<p>zooermom thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry that your dad did not attend your wedding.</p>
<p>I will not damage the relationship. I will be careful. That is why we made the punishment about the rule breaking and not the sex.</p>
<p>“Of couse i am diasponted that he did not choose to wait but that is beside the point now. I am most upset becuase he broke the house rules. The part that makes me mad is when people blame me for my son disobeying the rules. that makes little sense.”</p>
<p>I think that you have a right to be disappointed about his breaking the house rules: Your house, your rules when it comes to behaviors allowed in your house. If he chooses to live there or visit there, he needs to abide by them just as other adults would be expected to follow your house rules. I think you’re entitled to impose any house rule that meets your moral standards and expectations, and I think you’re entitled to impose a penalty for breaking the house rule about not having people over when parents weren’t at home.</p>
<p>I don’t think, however, that you have the right to read his text messages. Doesn’t matter who’s paying for the phone, by the time an offspring is leaving for college, they should have the right to privacy unless there’s a concern about something life-threatening such as concern about your child’s being suicidal. </p>
<p>I also think that it’s understandable that since your values are no sex before marriage, your disappointed in learning he’s having sex (even though the majority of people in this country at age 18 are having sex). At the same time, however, I think it’s important to realize that your son is getting ready for college, and will be choosing his own spiritual and ethical paths, and those may deviate from what you have hoped he would follow.</p>
<p>Still, I hope you’ll continue to love him despite any differences.</p>
<p>Oldfort,
In my post, I am fairly sure I did not advocate denying a college education because of sex.</p>
<p>But anyway, here is my story:
My SIL became aware her son was developing a serious relationship with his GF and in the middle of his senior year she sat him down for a heart-to-heart. Sex in the house with GF was unacceptable. She had two younger children to watch over and it was a basic intrusion into the privacy of their home.</p>
<p>Furthermore, if he wanted sex with his GF after high school, she expected him to do the adult thing; that is, he and his GF should get jobs and rent a place and live together. As a single parent, my SIL felt that it was unreasonable for her to subsidize their relationship. She told my nephew that she hoped the two of them would get married if they cared for each other but she understood if they did not.</p>
<p>And that’s exactly what my nephew did. He and his GF got jobs and moved into this teeny weeny apartment, rather than go to college. And later that summer, they married. (Ten years later, they are still married.) Furthermore, both kids decided to put themselves through college without their parents’ help. Today, these kids are the most sensible responsible adults I know. They are extremely proud of themselves for their accomplishments.</p>
<p>
Whoa! (And woe!) Something that posted on Facebook is posted with the expectation that the world will read it. A text message is sent with the expectation of privacy between the sender, the reader, and Dick Cheney if he feels the need. </p>
<p>Parenting certainly consists of setting limits, beginning with the road to understanding of “No!” at about six months old. But parenting also consists of consciously setting children on a road to independence and self-reliance and at a point when you’re about to send them off to college, the non-financial part of that process should be pretty well done. As part of that process, parents respecting their children as individuals is a reciprocal part of children respecting their parents as individuals; respect includes granting of privacy.</p>
<p>I can’t say that there are never any exceptions but it would have to be on a very high order of expectant harm, such as someone committing suicide, child molestation, or physical abuse.</p>
<p>Their behavior is well within the normal range for kids of this age. You have made your feelings known. Now get over it end the “punishment”. And stop snooping. He’s not 12.</p>
<p>The punishment will end when the time is up for it to end. We are the parents here.</p>
<p>Goodbye all and thanks!</p>
<p>bbgg, I have read a lot of this thread in the beginning and skipped to the end to see your last comment, so I may not understand context at this point, but I wanted to chime in with my non-religious, but similar, perspective.</p>
<p>All their lives my kids have never been allowed to have friends of the opposite sex in their bedrooms and since they were old enough to be left alone at home they have not been allowed to have friends of the opposite sex in the house. As far as I know they have never broken these rules. DS has a long-term girlfriend (going on two years!) whose mom I communicate with if I’m leaving town and DS’s staying home alone. So your house rules are not unlike mine.</p>
<p>You do need to accept that the genie is out of the bottle and won’t be going back in (seems like you have) and, as a parent, damage control is your only constructive recourse. As for punishment, IMO, this is a philosophical issue. I believe in natural consequences, but think that sometimes parentally imposed consequences are natural and those consequences work best as a deterrent when the “punishment fits the crime”. </p>
<p>Taking away the car and phone and banning the GF from your home are not fitting to me and they are not constructive–they will be seen as mean-spirited and they will cause him to be with her more ('cuz he can’t text or call her or easily come and go) and afford them more unsupervised time together ('cuz you’re not there when they’re not in your home). </p>
<p>A loss of parental trust, however, is a natural consequence since he blatantly disregarded a rule you had long trusted him to comply with. Asking him when he goes anywhere with her that’s not in public if there will be adult supervision; and monitoring the amount of time allotted for that trip to the movies; and insisting that he answer his phone immediately when you call; having him call when the movie’s over, and ask permission to stay out another half hour to go to DQ; and things of that sort in order for him to keep his freedoms do seem appropriate to “the crime” to me. (And also more effective ways to limit the amount of time they have to take part in the behavior you are trying to discourage.)</p>
<p>So much good advice here. Mine would be that you should treat the GF and talk to S about her AS IF they will end up marrying one day and she will end up being the mother of your grandchildren. You have nothing to lose by taking this approach and everything to gain. If they end up going their separate ways, your son will always appreciate your treatment of her. If they end up together, SHE will always appreciate it. </p>
<p>The key issue here seems to me their lack of respect for your house rules and the consequent betrayal of trust. The sex changes the emotional response, but would it be any different than if he had smoked or drunk in your absence? That disrespect deserves consequences of some sort. Certainly an apology from them since they asked for permission for her to be in the house when you were absent and you explicitly said no. You might even ask them what they are willing to do to atone for this and how they plan to restore your trust.</p>
<p>I think it’s also perfectly acceptable for you to let S know that you do not approve of his having sex and will not condone it, but you realize he is old enough to make those choices for himself and that you hope he will continue to do so responsibly. As you are respecting his decisions you don’t agree with, you expect him to respect your house rules. </p>
<p>I’m not sure I would have any discussion of sex with the GF present, although apparently she is willing to talk to you. I think the real transgression here is going against explicitly stated house rules. And apparently GF was aware of those just as much as your S was. You obviously can’t trust them, so you need to find a way to monitor what goes on in the house so it doesn’t happen again until they have restored your trust. I agree that it will probably continue to happen elsewhere. </p>
<p>I think taking away the keys/car was a bit of an overreaction. You, after all, did read his text messages, which was inappropriate. Would you have known about this if you hadn’t? It would even be admirable if you could admit that you reacted emotionally, first to the sex issue and then to the betrayal of trust. Make it clear that any consequences are for that betrayal of trust. </p>
<p>I’m not sure involving the pastor is a good thing at this point. It seems that both S and GF are willing to talk to you. Once you are clear on your thoughts, you can talk to them. It doesn’t seem to me to be a big enough issue at this point to involve any third (or fourth) party. </p>
<p>When S2 and I were shopping for school things last year and were buying deodorant and shampoo, I asked him if he didn’t think we should pick up a box of condoms, too, just in case. He looked at me scornfully and said, “Mom, there are dispensers all over campus!”</p>
<p>BBGG:</p>
<p>I’ve read every post in this thread. I’m sure you are still monitoring it so I’ll add my $0.02.</p>
<p>You say you have not damaged your relationship with your son. I’d say there is a very good chance you have. The invasion of his privacy by looking at his text messages is unforgivable. He is a legal adult. The message that has been sent is “I can’t trust my parents, sex is bad, they don’t respect me, etc”.</p>
<p>You have every right to be angry that a house rule was broken and that he lied. He broke the rule and there should be consequences (although I don’t agree with the ones you’ve chosen). But what you did by reading his text is equally as bad. </p>
<p>It sounds like you don’t want to let go. It is difficult. You will no longer know soon what your son is doing. You have to accept that. </p>
<p>We were strict with our son while he was in high school. No male or female friends were allowed at our house unless one parent was home. We also told our son that we would not approve of him having sex in high school. Not for religious reasons but for maturity and safety reasons. </p>
<p>He did not violate the house rule (which was in effect until the day he left for college), but he did have sex with a GF. We suspected as much and he admitted it when asked. We had a frank discussion with him about contraception (it was bring used), the emotional ramifications, etc. We did not punish him. We did not speak with the GF. </p>
<p>Fast forward a couple years. He and that GF have moved on. Son is a in a monogamous, committee relationship with a wonderful young woman he met at school. He has shared with me some details of their life together. Not intimate details, but I know they feel they are in love, they trust each other, and have great communication. Are they having sex? Yes. Do I wish they were not? Yes. But I would rather he have sex in a loving committed relationship that with random girls. </p>
<p>We do not have the same house rules now as it would be silly. When GF comes to visit they certainly can be alone. We respect their privacy and they respect our wished regarding sex in our house. </p>
<p>I urge you to consider apologizing to your som regarding looking at his texts. Regardless of your intentions it was an invasion of privacy and will erode your son’s trust and communication with you. </p>
<p>Best of luck. It is obvious you love your son and are trying to protect him and instill your values.</p>
<p>Finally some very good advise from these last two posts here.</p>
<p>The text message reading seems to be a sore point here and I do want to say that this is the very first time i have checked this. I thought it was appropriate here. i know some of you disagree and that is okay.</p>
<p>
that is a complete nonsense, and will only prove that whoever says this is ignorant of the law</p>
<p>
I think it is because this punishment is inappropriate for the offense. Your disappointment is punishment enough. Now you have to listen to him, and try to establish the rules you both can live with.</p>
<p>Taking the phone away is something you can do when they are 12.</p>
<p>
bbgg,</p>
<p>I think you are right that you have the right to set your own rules in your house. But I doubt that in this case it is all really mostly about “disobeying the rule”.</p>
<p>You said that he asked to bring the GF when you were not home, you said “no”, but he did it anyway, and they had sex. You are angry that he disobeyed you. Now, would you be just as angry if you found out that they came to your house and did their homework together? Would you take away his car keys and his phone for that? If your answer is “no”, then it’s not about disobeying the rules.</p>
<p>“I think it’s fine to ask your son and his girlfriend to respect your house rules and values by not having sex in your house.” </p>
<p>I agree with this. It’s still our house, and we would expect our sons to respect the standards of the household when they are here. They know how we feel about sex outside the boundaries of marriage, but ultimately, they will have to decide for themselves on this.</p>
<p>My bigger concern is to keep communication open. Life is just too short to not work out the disagreements with our kids.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This typo does a nice job of lightening up the thread :-).</p>
<p>Sorry about that! Auto-correct strikes again…</p>
<p>You know, I suspect many posters’ comments here are driven by their own late teen experiences. My kids read my posts sometimes, so I won’t get too specific, but I suspect some of us engaged in similar activities at that age – and recall it as a very good time. And to heck with what our parents thought - - parents find it about as icky to think their kids are having sex as we do to think about our parents doing the same.</p>
<p>Disobeying the rules and my instinct that there was something important that I needed to pay attention to is what got me involved in this issue. </p>
<p>I think intparent is entirley correct when saying that we driven by our past Experiences. i belive that is why i have very little understanding and compasion on this forum since my husband and i seem to be the only ones in the world you waited to have sex. We acted in a manner we thought was best to suit the circumstance some of which i am unable to post in this situation.</p>