S had sex with his GF in our house :(

Parent Cafe
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<p>My MIL felt the same as yorkyfan. When she found out H was having sex with his girlfriend (not me) in college, or practically living together, she decided to not let him return back to college. “Old enough to have sex, then old enough to pay for one’s own education.” My H begged his parents to let him go back. When it didn’t work, he actually went down on his knees because he knew he needed his college degree to be independent of his parents. He finished college in 3 years and didn’t see his mother for a long time. He broke up with his GF while still in school. H and his mother are cordial now, but never warm. I think the humiliation of having to beg could never be erased from my H’s mind.</p>

<p>OP - It is great your son’s GF is willing to talk to you. It shows a lot of maturity on her part, and it also means she cares for your son a lot. I would be very careful about lecturing her or humiliate her. If you go too far, I wouldn’t be surprised if your son would stand up to you in order to protect her. You don’t want to put your son in the position of chosing between his family or his girlfriend.</p>

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<p>I know that when I get really upset I have to tell the other person to give me “a week or two” to calm down before I discuss anything with them. Usually I calm down before that but it takes the pressure off of me trying to fix things immediately when I can’t think straight because of anger</p>

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<p>Before you talk to either, the OP needs to be clear what this talk, the anger, the concerns, the current punishment is going to be about.
Is it that the student chose to [essentially]lie, and deceive the parents to bring in a guest when specifically told not do do so? (which is unfortunately part of what defines a teen-lying to parents)
Is it that boy and girl had sex in the home?
Is it that boy and girl had sex?</p>

<p>You need to be clear before you pass on your concerns.</p>

<p>Different than some here, I do not assume girl’s parents would approve of the 2 having sex in her home because she isn’t religious. People can still have moral guidelines whether or not they regularly attend an organized church that tells them the rules. Those guidelines may or may not permit teen sex. I would make no assumptions on that based on her church attendance.</p>

<p>You have every right to make rules for your house, as a self-supporting adult in the house you provide. You have every right to encourage your S to believe(religion and principles) as you do. But you cannot force him to believe as you do.
I recommend you make it clear to him that (if/when) he is 18, your legal obligations end. No more. Everything on from there is a gift based on your willingness and ability to give the gift. If he continues to lie and decieve you in your home, you may be less willing to continue to give him gifts.
As an adult you should know it is likely he will experiment with many things in college. You may not like it, you may try to persuade him otherwise, but know you may or may not be successful. But you have every right to control who and what guests come in your home, just as he will have that right when he is a self-supporting adult in his home.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all your input.</p>

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<p>I have read mostly all of the posts and quite frankly, I am somewhat confused as to what the real problem is.
I do not feel it is your place to speak with your son"s girlfriend. Even if they want to. This may be a result of your anger and bestowed guilt you have given your son. I understand he broke the house rules, but what are you going to do when he goes off to college.<br>
We all want our children to wait til marriage or when they are older and more emotionally mature, BUT it is not realistic.
This just proves to me time and time again that even in the most conservative and religous households where sex is either a no-no or bad til marriage, DOESN’T WORK.
Doesn’t mean we are bad parents, just means that we give them the tools to make good decisions and hope they turn out good and decent people. But we have to accept them to be the adults that they turn into and let go. We really don’t have a choice about it, so digging your heels in the sand, withholding love and bestowing guilt is wrong on all levels.</p>

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<p>It seems to me that most of you think my son should be given all his freedom while he is living in our home before he is off to college. I diasagreee. he had a job this summer but i can tell you this is was not enough to be able to buy his food, pay the car insurance etc. this is a matter of respect to his parents, that he not have sex in our home. i cannot control what happens elsewhere.</p>

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<p>Lol, bbgg. I agree with you. What happens in college stays in college. What happens in my house is my call.</p>

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<p>As far as my S thinking things thru before he made the decision to come to our home. I doubt it.</p>

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<p>Is it the sex or the rules?
If it is the rules then you should not be talking to GF, only your son.
My daughter is 18 and no they should not have all the freedom in the world while living with us. But I respect her as a young adult, trying to make her way in the world. I am there to guide her and help as a parent. We also have rules in our house.</p>

<p>But I am realistic as to the way of the world and what temptations there are.
I have been learning gradually to accept her as the young adult she is.
That is also my job as a parent.</p>

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<p>so it still seems unbeliveable to me that none of you would not have punished him for having sex in your home. Seems like you guys are afraid. i am not afaid to be the kind of role model i think will help my kid be a better person in his realationships , his job and even at college.</p>

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<p>scottZ1980 I think is a indeed a very complicated issue and that is why i asked for help. I wanted to carefully evaluate my course of action based on the expereice of the other parents and kids out there.</p>

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<p>I don’t know what you are reading. YesI would have punished my daughter for breaking a house rule, but my question remains, is it the sex or the broken rule?</p>

<p>I certainly would not talk to her BF if this was my situation. It is not my place. The issue is between her and me.</p>

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<p>I am in the middle on this one, too. I am not really so shocked about your reading the text messages – I can imagine doing that if I was really concerned. I also don’t think 18-year-olds are true “adults” – that seems to mean all rights but no responsibilities to me. But no, I would not have “punished” anyone. They did not do anything illegal or wrong or hurtful to anyone else (they were 18, fully consensual, with proper protection.) But I would have used this as an opportunity to have a serious, teachable talk with kid about choices, what sex really means, etc.</p>

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<p>The problem is he brought this girl over to our home and had sex with her when it was very clear to him that he was not allowed to do this.</p>

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<p>“Seems like you guys are afraid. i am not afaid to be the kind of role model i think will help my kid be a better person in his realationships , his job and even at college.”</p>

<p>There’s a huge difference between being afraid to punish something you think is a big deal and not thinking something is a big deal in the first place. A lot of parents don’t follow your moral code and therefore don’t think it’s wrong for their almost-at-college children to have sex. That’s not being afraid. That’s disagreeing with you.</p>

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<p>My husband and I got caught in the same situation 27 years ago. As you might have guessed, we did get married and have his parents’ grandchildren. His father refused to come to our wedding because of this. He never got over it. Which was his problem, although I will admit our judgment at the time was not so great. I know you’re feeling upset, bbgg, but don’t do or say anything that can’t be taken back later.</p>

<p>My personal thought is that this is a good time to discuss the boundaries you have set for him now that he’s going away to college, and include in all the expectations you have for him going forward. It’s not too much to ask that your home and boundaries be respected. But as I said, don’t damage your relationship over anything because there isn’t really anything, short of a criminal act, that would be worth that.</p>

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<p>I dont intend to talk with the Gf that is her mothers responsibility. My son wanted me to but i was worried that this was an attempt by him to get me to patch things up. I have to have time to make the right decisons.</p>

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<p>Punish an 18 year old? No. Explain how disappointed you are with his actions, yes.</p>

<p>Choose your battles carefully. What is expectation after talking with your son? What will you say to him? How will you say it? Are you judging him? Do you want him to think that you are always judging him? Project several outcomes of the discussion.</p>

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<p>bbgg, I hope you get some peace.</p>

<p>I would punish my kid for breaking the rule about gf at home. I think that when the kid has his own home, phone, car, etc., for which he pays, then it’s a violation of privacy to snoop in those areas. Prior to that, parents have a right to monitor what the kid is saying.</p>

<p>As for teen sex - we have 2 grown men in the extended family who impregnated women who said they were on the pill. Sex before a mutual commitment to raise any offspring together is wrong IMO, and mom has a right to emphasize this message, particularly when the kids are so young and it is she who would probably have to provide much support for the grandkid.</p>

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<p>As the mom of five girls, I would not want any of them feeling at all obligated to speak to a significant other’s pastor, just because the mother is upset that they are in a sexual relationship. And, certainly, none of them would feel that way! That is terribly intrusive and inappropriate, in my opinion. If the upset parent, or even her son, should feel the need to do so, that’s fine, but it should be an individual decision.</p>

<p>I feel the same way about one of my Ds feeling obligated to discuss these private issues with the boyfriend’s mother. It really is none of the mom’s business what the girlfriend is doing with her son. This issue is one between the young man and his parents. Period. </p>

<p>It is unrealistic to expect that 18 year olds who are in a long-term, committed relationship will not be sexually active. They are adults, whether we think of them in that way or not. They’re going off to college (by the way, shouldn’t they already have left for college by now??) and are responsible for their own behavior.</p>

<p>In all my years of parenting, and in all my professional years of counselling youth and families, I have never once, not once, seen a young man or woman abstain from sex because their parents said it was wrong to have sex before marriage. It’s unrealistic to expect it. Your son’s behavior is normal. Sex is a natural human desire and kids are going to have sex whether we think it’s a good idea or not. It’s been happening for centuries and isn’t going to change just because it’s now OUR children who are doing it!</p>

<p>The best we can do is to educate them about safe sex, emphasize to them the importance of using protection, which means a condom every time, regardless if the girl is on the pill or not, and also discussing with them the emotional ramifications of being in a sexual relationship.</p>

<p>I would caution the boy’s parents from coming down too hard on him. You do not want to damage this relationship over something, which eventually will look pretty trivial. It sounds like he is a good and responsible young man. Don’t mess that up by trying to fight a war on this issue, because you will not win.</p>

<p>Lastly, I think it’s wrong to be reading a son or daughter’s text messages. That is an invasion of privacy that should not happen.</p>