<p>My only question is why do you read your son’s text messages?
Its an invasion of privacy in my opinion. -.-</p>
<p>Late to this party and I’m somewhat conflicted. However, a good rule to bear in mind is: Never ask a question where you may not want to hear one of the possible answers. (And Murphy’s Law says that’s the answer you’re most likely to get.)</p>
<p>OP, I’m pretty sure that I am not completely on the same page as you but the disregard for an agreed upon rule would upset me greatly, much more than an S or D having sex before marriage.</p>
<p>One other thought that I’ll mince around and try to say gently: as a once-upon-a-time guinea pig half of a couple for Marriage Encounter, I can tell you that sexual activity is no contraindication of religious faith. Different beliefs and choices, sure…but that’s not the same thing. We actually once had to come out and say, “We’re not going to report you to the bishop.”</p>
<p>Fwiw, I’d also be much more upset about an S or D having sex in a relationship that I didn’t like on other grounds. Basically, if they treat each other with respect, are kind to each other, laugh together, and have complementary personalities and intellects, I’m just going to keep fingers crossed that the birth control works and otherwise remind myself that like it or not, they are adults and on some level it’s none of my business unless I’m invited in…which is where the use of house without permission comes in.</p>
<p>Final note: even that’s relative, he said, recalling some substitutes when a home wasn’t readily available. There are worse things. People won’t not have sex just because neither person’s home isn’t available, you know.</p>
<p>I just came across this thread and I’ve read all of it before posting.<br>
To the OP
I do support you in your belief that this is not just about a son having sex. The issues of respect for your rules is also important. You said no to him being home alone with the gf and he clearly disobeyed you. That must carry a consequence or it won’t matter what you want him to do because there will be no negative consequence if he doesn’t do it.</p>
<p>Many here are saying that he is an adult. Well, adults pay their own way. So if he’s such an adult, then he should be paying for his cell phone and his car key privileges. (Maybe he is already, I don’t know. But I think I’m getting my meaning across. Adults pay while kids ‘borrow’ what Mom and Dad have.)</p>
<p>The poster who said that having a baby is a blessing - You are correct. It is a blessed event. But, are these two ready for that blessed event right now? Probably not and that’s what needs to guide their thinking. Making love is not a loving act if the couple is not ready to follow through with the possible consequences. </p>
<p>To the OP, I pray that you will have the wisdom you need to handle this situation in the best way possible.</p>
<p>“You said no to him being home alone with the gf and he clearly disobeyed you. That must carry a consequence or it won’t matter what you want him to do because there will be no negative consequence if he doesn’t do it.”</p>
<p>I would think, especially by this age, a loved one is doing things or not doing things because of internalized values, mutual respect, and conscience, not because of external rewards, punishments, fear and threats. </p>
<p>One isn’t training a dog here. At best, this approach will just accomplish the appearance of ‘compliance’ with no substantive change in anything meaningful. And at the expense of your longterm adult relationship.</p>
<p>Tread carefully. Be sure to stay focused on what the issue is. Sex or a violation of rules.</p>
<p>Just on a side note, he did something that he did not want you to find out, and you did. Remeber 20+ years ago BK (Before Kids) and think really carefully if pehaps you were once on the other side of the fence. We forget sometimes.</p>
<p>BTW…you want to include in your conversation the consequences of casual sex. They are going in the opposite direction fo school. At least now he is having a physical relationship that involves committment.</p>
<p>I could not sleep! In respose to the question about the cell phone, and I am the parent afterall, so i looked at the text based on my female intuation that something was up. I have a pretty good sense when something is wrong. </p>
<p>the violation of the rules is the issue at hand. I am not happy about the sex part of it but i have littlle control over that and that is quite apparent.</p>
<p>BTW I gave my son a big home when he came home from an Angles ball game that he attended with my husband.</p>
<p>I think the rule violation you should be primarily concerned with is your looking at an 18 year old’s s text messages without his knowledge or permission. (I certainly hope you’ve asked his forgiveness for that.) What your intuition was telling you is irrelevant. You violated his privacy, and I’m sure he’ll keep his secrets from you much more carefully from now on. If you wanted to know whether your son had done something he promised not to do, you should have asked him instead of snooping. Since both of you behaved badly, you should just call it even and move on.</p>
<p>Thank you bookreader for your prayers we could sure use them!</p>
<p>The adult does consider the consequences. </p>
<p>My son is not paying his way for his cellphone, car etc. </p>
<p>Young people today have many influences from Tv, movies, music, etc. I have taken many things into consideration when i doled out the punishisment.</p>
<p>Has anyone had experience with something they did or did not do that may have helped in this sitation.</p>
<p>This is crazy! You mean to say you have never looked at your kids facebook, text messages etc. You have your nose burried in the sand!</p>
<p>Unless I had serious concerns that my child was involved in something dangerous, I wouldn’t be looking at the text messages of an offspring who’s old enough to be heading to college. I’m FB friends with my 21-year-old son, so I do read his FB that way. I think that a student who’s heading to college has a right to privacy that isn’t true of younger students.</p>
<p>what are you most mad about. he is an adult. do you realistically expect him to abstain from sexual relations until he is married? When did you get married? Many people get married in their late 20s these days. Do you expect your adult son to abstain from sex until he is 21, 25, 28, 32? Or would you rather he got married early?</p>
<p>What do you want your son to do now? Promise to never have sex again until he gets married? Seems that horse has left the barn.</p>
<p>And to blame tv or whatever for young people having sex is denying the sexual nature of human beings. Many people got married at 16, or 18 or 21. And they were having sex after a ceremony. With people marrying so much later, sex is going to happen between unmarried people. Do you think you could have waited to have sex until you were married if you got married at say, 27?</p>
<p>I got married at age 30. My husband and I had the self control to wait. </p>
<p>What I am most mad about is the violation of rules. I am disapointed that he had sex and I will get over it.</p>
<p>Its not a matter of self control. Not everyone needs the blessing of a minister to have sex. It isn’t really self control if you abstain because of some external criteria, like marriage. I didnt wait until I was married, and I don’t know very many adults who did, and they are wonderful, amazing, healthy, good people. It seems that you are judging those that have sex outside of marriage as lacking moral character because they had sex before they signed some documents. </p>
<p>I really don’t think its about breaking the rules of having a girl over, I really sense its about the sexual intercourse before marriage, and along with that, a not following your faith. I think if you are honest with yourself, and what is the real reason you are this upset, not the breaking of the house rules, but the disregard of what you hoped you had taught your son about waiting until marriage, then you will have a better relationship and discusion with your son. </p>
<p>You were hoping he would save himself for that one special person, that he would jsut have sex with the mother of his children, just like you and your husband did.</p>
<p>Why was the rule in place that yuor son couldn ot have his GF over when you were not there? Was this a new rule? What were you afraid of? If he had the girl over and they were just making out, would you be this upset because he broke the rule of her coming over?</p>
<p>Of couse i am diasponted that he did not choose to wait but that is beside the point now. I am most upset becuase he broke the house rules. The part that makes me mad is when people blame me for my son disobeying the rules. that makes little sense.</p>
<p>I just wanted some input to help me know what expereinces others had in other similar situations instead i became the person who was attacked.</p>
<p>We don’t mean to attack. To me, and I am just reading your posts, it does seem more about the sex than the house rules. He is 18. He had a girl over. kids see right through us if we are angry about one thing, but punish for something else. I know my daughters can. I am just saying, I think your son will sense the anger is about the sex, and the house rules thing isn’t really the issue. </p>
<p>If you had walked in on him and the GF kissing on the sofa, would you have taken away the car and the phone?</p>
<p>Maybe its just that some posters think the house rule was a little strict. I certainly do, for an 18 year old about to leave for college. Not a judgement, but you did ask.</p>
<p>bbgg,</p>
<p>I am curious, If you would have found out that your son was having sex with his girlfriend outside of your home, would you have still found reason to punish him?</p>
<p>Also, by reading your original post without the follow-up posts, I would have also thought the problem was your son having sex. I don’t think anyone here would argue that you shouldn’t punish your son for breaking a house rule. But the issue seems to have many more layers than just something as simple as a house rule violation. From knowing others who have been in almost similar situations, I would advise caution as to how you approach and handle this situation going forward as it could produce some unintended consequences in your relationship with your son.</p>
<p>I give your family my prayers and hopes that things will turn out for the best.</p>
<p>After pages of this thread going nowhere, ScottZ1980 cuts to the chase!</p>
<p>bbgg,
If your son is old enough to have sex with gf, he is old enough to pay his car and cell-phone expenses. Don’t take those things away. Make him pay for it. You have every right to insist that he and his gf not have sex in your house. They can rent a hotel room. You have every right to have a discussion with both him and his gf. Hopefully the discussion can be a positive one about responsibility, love and sex. It is an opportunity for you to explain the benefits of waiting. They might not agree but they should at least listen to you. You, after all, are the parent and they are only 18.</p>
<p>If the girlfriend was my daughter, I would chew her out for being such a moron as to have sex with her boyfriend in the boyfriend’s house when it is obvious that he comes from a religiious family and therefore there would be friction between her boyfriend and his parents if they found out.</p>
<p>They should have had sex at her house instead. </p>
<p>She’s on the pill, and given her age, there’s a pretty good chance that her parents know about it. She’s not religious. I would bet that her parents wouldn’t particularly object to her having sex with her boyfriend at her house; it’s certainly safer than doing it in a parked car in a deserted place.</p>
<p>I think your disappointment comes from the fact that your son’s conduct is not in line with your religious principles. But your religious principles and his may not coincide. I’m pretty sure that your son gave the matter some thought before having sex with his girlfriend and decided to make his own choice. It’s a choice that is not outside the bounds of acceptability in our society, as the posts on this board make obvious. If you choose to make a huge issue of it, you could be creating a permanent rift between yourself and your adult son. Is it worth it?</p>
<p>People who do not yet trust their 18 year old children to make good decisions (or those based on the “morals” of the family, if this is the goal) really ought not send them off to college at all. They should continue to live at home until they marry, so that these adult children can be monitored at all time, and so as to ensure that there is absolutely no sexual activity, drinking or otherwise bad behavior that is out of your control.</p>
<p>Face it. A LOT of kids go to college and experiment with sex. Ignoring that fact doesn’t make it go away. If you have a child who doesn’t plan to have sex until marriage…terrific, but that child will be in the minority. </p>
<p>This is why I don’t understand the tight restrictions people keep on their children until the day they leave home for college. No wonder some of those kids go crazy and do dumb things with all that new-found freedom! </p>
<p>I have no advice really for the OP, since I don’t read my children’s text messages or Facebook, and I would never sit down for this weird conversation with the gf there, or force her to go to my pastor. I think you have to realize that when you send your son off, if you haven’t already, he will make all of his own decisions, and some of those decisions you may disagree with. If you are afraid of those consequences, you can always tell him that he has to live at home and commute to a closer college. 18 year olds make a lot of mistakes, but the law allows them to vote, marry, join the army…</p>
<p>You can’t control what he does away from home, since there isn’t any way to put the genie back in the bottle. However, that doesn’t mean you have to allow sex in your own home either. House rules and all.</p>