<p>First of all hope this is in the right place. </p>
<p>S is a smart kid headed off to college iin August. School ended about 2 weeks ago and he claimed to have gotten a part-time job at our local Sears. H and I have asked all our kids to have jobs or be doing something during the summer. I’m not as insistant on it as H is but I still think it’s important to not be a homebody. </p>
<p>S said after his paycheck got out he wanted to go to a concert, which he had to BEG us to go to because we don’t approve of the band but we decided after some deliboration to let him go since it’s summer before his first year in college. Actually we bought them because they were going to sell out early and he promised to pay us back out of his pay. So anyway we approved of him working to pay his way to this concert. </p>
<p>Well turns out that during the time he was “working” he was actually going to his GFs house and other friends. We found this out becggause H happened to go to Sears, got worried when he didn’t see him and called around to find out where he was. GFs mom said yeah he’s been coming here every day, why do you ask. We dont know how he thought he would get away with this it’s so short-sighted and he knows we go to Sears often. </p>
<p>Well H and I are just fighting mad and don’t know what to do. We confiscated the tix which surprise surprise their are two one for him one for GF. We are thinking of ripping them up or shredding but dont want to waste money if they can be resold. Anyone dealt with this. I think Ive read somewhere else on CC about this same kind of thing happening. Any advice appreciated.</p>
<p>If it were my kid… I’d sell the tickets to someone else (Craigslist or go down and sell them the night of the concert) and keep the money. And my kid would be walking everywhere for the summer, lose the cell phone I pay for, AND have some extra large jobs around the house (since they aren’t employed, and lied about it). My basement and garage need thorough cleaning, and there are a couple of significant landscaping jobs waiting here…</p>
<p>Oh, and if he doesn’t have any financial responsibility at school in the fall, he ought to. My kids wouldn’t skip working/getting some kind of job because they have to pay for their spending money and books at college. So if they don’t work, it isn’t just a summer spent on the couch, it is less money for things they want and need in the fall.</p>
<p>I think there are a lot of things going on here. I would say, if the concert is local, you should start accepting that he will be making his decision re concerts in two months. JMHO.</p>
<p>The lying would really annoy me, but I would try to figure out first, what happened. Out of curiosity, do you know how he got the money for the tickets? Do you know if he could have gotten a part time job? My D has been able in the past to get summer work, but it didnt come through (partially because of some schedule issues), and she had to email/call/interview just to get a volunteer position (part of the difficulty also being she doesn’t have a car this summer, so needs to walk or use public transportation). </p>
Like I said we paid, we went online and put in our credit card info. And then he agreed to reemburse us once he got the money. In retrospect it was a silly decision.</p>
<p>Edit: also OMG, everything I have written is so full of typos. I am not going to win typist of the year any time soon.</p>
<p>In all honesty I would not have been that mad if he just explained that hed rather do something else (something productive) besides having a job, but We just don’t understand why he had to lie. In retrospect we were stupid too for not suspecting anything earlier.</p>
<p>Oops, sorry I missed how he paid. I was only asking if jobs are available, because it is tough for many kids to get jobs this summer. I agree, I would tell him to march his b*tt over to Sears, get the job, and I would be selling the tix.</p>
<p>I agree with the poster above me that you should sell the tickets and keep the money. Let him know that you’re selling the tickets as well. </p>
<p>As far as the actual lying goes, I’ve done it before (not proud of it, but it was also when I was in eighth grade). The reason I did it (my situation was regarding going to swim team practice in the afternoon) was because I didn’t really want to go to practice but my parents expected me to and I didn’t want to make them mad. </p>
<p>Of course the real question will be if your son was looking for work and couldn’t find any (the job market for part-time summer jobs is very tough these days), or if he had no interest in doing so and just wanted to spend time with friends and his GF without making you mad.</p>
<p>I don’t think it was silly to buy the tickets and expect him to pay you back - that’s just logistics.</p>
<p>What really would concern me is that he has been lying to you and fooling himself. I would be really worried about him being one of those students who tells you school is fine, all the while skipping classes and flunking out. I guess I’d be inclined to put the details of the punishment off for a while and just sit down with him and say, “wow, what the heck is going on here?” I mean really - pretending to go to work and sneaking off to spend the day somewhere else? Somewhere along the line he’s developed the ability to lie and live in denial and rationalize it all in his own head. I’d be worried about his ability to succeed at college when he won’t have teachers taking attendance. I’d be less mad and more worried to be honest. If this were one of my kids I’d probably be looking for some counseling to take him to. A little lie is one thing, but living a false life day in day out is more alarming in my opinion. Best of luck to you and to him. This might actually be a good thing - better to have this story about working at Sears unravel on him to kind of slap him in the face that he needs to get his act together than to pull this at school and have a year’s worth of horrible transcripts following him around his whole life!</p>
<p>While this could be a function of youthful ignorance and a wish to relax after a stressful senior year, as a mom, I would see this as a big red flag. It is not supposed to be comfortable to “play” the people you rely on for love and support.
It takes personal effort to have good opportunities and make the most of them. Is he ready to go to college and work hard? Is this a pattern? Living away from home is all about personal responsibility. Will he be comfortable letting you pay for classes he is not attending?
If it were me, this would not be glossed over. Trust has been broken in a big way. I would not want my kid to minimize this. Accountability, regaining trust and looking at what it means to betray people close to you are life lessons. While you may not be as concerned as your husband about the necessity of a summer job, in this case, it seems critical. Good luck and here’s to him having a productive summer.</p>
<p>Big hugs to the OP. Yes indeed it’s the series of lies that would make me mad at this point…each and every stinking one of them. He had to lie every time he said he was going to work. He had to put his GF and her family in a bad position every time he went there (he should be apologizing to them too).</p>
<p>Is he the type of kid that would place a harsher penalty on himself if you ask what he thought was ‘just’? I have two that would, one that wouldn’t. Just a thought. </p>
<p>I think this would be the cause of some re-shuffeling for next year. Things he was taking for granted because you trust him may no longer be a given. In the meantime the cel, car, etc. would certainly be removed if not limited. I hate, hate, hate to be lied to. I’m surprised you are able to type coherently at all…you totally get a bye on that!! Take a breath and think about where you go from here. You don’t owe him an answer right now…nothing wrong with a holding pattern IMHO. I do agree with ebay or Craigslist for the tickets.</p>
<p>Obviously this is a teachable moment. Lying is not an attribute to be rewarded, and their are repercussions for choices made by your son.
IN a couple of months, he won’t have his parents around to “save” him. Given that reality, how do you think he will best remember not to “choose” this in the future. Is it taking the tickets away? Is it requiring him to pay for the tickets and then donate them to someone else/charity? Is it charging him three times the amount of the tickets and then allowing him to attend? Maybe give him all of these as options, and ask which one he feels will teach him the lesson best.
For myself, lying causes me to loose trust-one of the most valuable attributes in friendship, and business.
As I said-a teachable moment. G’Luck!
~APOL-a Mum</p>
<p>I can’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you the truth? It’s really tough for kids to get jobs so I just can’t understand why he would tell you he got one when he didn’t. There’s a disconnect there that needs some exploring. If he did apply for jobs and just didn’t get hired you need to figure out why he’s not telling you a complete story Maybe he’s now afraid because he can’t pay you back. I’d be slightly more concerned if he didn’t apply for any jobs at all after you asked him to. We never paid the kids an allowance and when they started driving and their lives got more expensive we simply said “get a job” but if they hadn’t done so, by the time they were 17 we would have said they must get a job and we would have expected some effort on their part. You need to figure out which is is: defiance or simply an inability to secure work after trying.</p>
<p>Kids lie–a lot. Most studies indicate parents have little idea how much their kids lie. You just were able to find out as this was not very well thought out which to me says it was not some master plot. Just a lie of opportunity to get the parents off his back about getting a job–very hard in today’s economy. Some standard punishment like 2 weeks grounded and no concert seems adequate for the crime. Be glad he was just at GFs and had not joined some daytime burglary ring or other serious mischief.
When my parents bugged me about getting a summer job when I was his age I left town for a month and visited a friend 1000 miles away–and did get a summer job there but did not make enough to live so home I came. Its a tricky age right around 18. Nearly adult but not quite. Cut him some slack.</p>
<p>Yeah, I wonder if OP doesn’t understand how hard it is to get summer jobs. OP, have YOU called Sears yourself to see if they are hiring for the summer? I still think you may be assuming kid can get job.</p>
<p>The OP stated she would have rather the student said he wanted to do something else or told her the truth. I believe it’s clear the OP is pretty upset about the continual lies here…how about some slack for the OP?! We don’t know if the kid tried to get a job or not…don’t make assumptions one way or the other. What we do know is he lied…a lot. That is a choice he made, over and over.</p>
<p>Heh, I’m far from being a parent (I’m closer to your son’s age) but maybe my perspective can help a little.</p>
<p>At first this story shocked me and made me angry that a boy would take advantage of his parents like that, but then I realized that it was his summer before college…and if you think about it, it’s the last time he will even see his friends and his GF before heading over to school. He doesn’t want to spend all his time working; it’s not like he will be rescinded for not having a summer job. If you want him to work, have him do the chores around the house instead in order to “earn” those tickets. Or just sell them to somebody else, because he definitely should be punished for that lie. But I know that at my current age I’m young and making mistakes, especially when it comes to being with my boyfriend, and I know that if it was my last few months with him then I would want to make the most of them, too.</p>
<p>^I understand it’s hard to find a job, but the kid should still be looking. I’d definitely confiscate the tickets. If you can get your money back, he doesn’t necessarily have to pay you. Grounding seems like a reasonable punishment.</p>
<p>And yes, I’d be worried about what other lies your child will feel comfortable telling you in college. I think right now, I’d make it clear that you won’t be paying for going to school unless you see his grades and perhaps also set a minimum GPA and make it clear you are paying for 4 years of schooling and no more.</p>
<p>These are all valid points Aerobug. A responsible, respectful kid would talk to his parents about his feelings, not be deceitful and lie. That’s the problem. A compromise may have been reached for a part time job, volunteer work he enjoyed more, some other option where he could have seen his friends and done some things his parents wanted also. He lost that right when he lied repeatedly. It really does cause a problem.</p>
<p>Obviously the OP may feel differently, these are my opinions, but I understand what you’re saying.</p>
<p>When I was 18 (way back when), I quit my summer job halfway through the summer. Terrible boss, low pay, unpaid overtime, etc. I was afraid to tell my parents, so I lied for about 2 weeks, until I was in a fender bender at the same time I was “supposed” to be at work. Lesson learned.</p>
<p>As a parent now, I hate to be lied to. One of my kids lied last summer about applying for jobs. We just thought she was having bad luck in the economy. Turns out - she never applied for half the jobs she said she did. Grounded her - took away car for a couple weeks and told her that she still had to pay for college expenses. She ended up having to get a part-time job at school. This summer - she had a job lined up for the summer by March!! And an RA job for next school year. </p>
<p>To OP: Hang in there. They do grow up (although some more slowly than others!)</p>