S lied about having part-time job

Parents Forum
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<p>Wow. mechEma, I’m so sorry you’re in this jam. Your son’s in a jam, too, but he’s done this to himself, and I have a whole lot less sympathy for his predicament.</p>

<p>Tickets? That’s easy: [Tickets</a> at StubHub! Where Fans Buy and Sell Tickets](<a href=“http://www.stubhub.com/]Tickets”>http://www.stubhub.com/).</p>

<p>The rest? Oy, that’s difficult. I agree that this is a teachable moment, and that you really have to try to make the most of this opportunity to teach the hell out of him before he starts college. But how?</p>

<p>The key thing here, I think, is to emphasize that he’s shown himself to be untrustworthy, so for the time being he gets no trust, and consequently a lot less privacy. I’d try some or all of the following things:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Whenever he is allowed to leave the house, he has to account for his whereabouts all summer by calling you from a landline. And if you call him, he’d better answer.</p></li>
<li><p>He gets to use the car only when it benefits his parents or somebody else in the house.</p></li>
<li><p>You get access to his email, his cell phone, his Facebook, his online banking, etc., whenever you want it, until further notice. He must tell you passwords; he may not change them. He will hate this. Some parents will not agree with me. But I think that beyond the bare minimum, privacy is for people who can be trusted.</p></li>
<li><p>For any “business” email that he sends or receives (this could mean work; or college registrations, financial aid, dorm assignments, meal plans; banking), he must forward you any incoming message, and copy you on any outgoing message. (In the interest of letting him save face, I’d allow him to use BCC, rather than CC.) All business email, even if it’s something “you don’t need to know about.” He’s lost your confidence for now, so you do not trust him to decide what you do and don’t need to know.</p></li>
<li><p>Assuming he was planning to use my money for college, I’d tell him it was at the moment an open question whether he’d actually be going to college in the fall, or perhaps deferring his enrollment and working for a year. (I do not know whether I’d actually mean this–which I suppose means that it is technically an open question–but I’d certainly want him to think it.)</p></li>
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<p>I agree with some posters above me that this is a very difficult summer for teens looking for work. But the problem here is not that he didn’t find work. The problem is that he deliberately deceived his parents at great length. That is completely intolerable–particularly if he’s counting on parental financing for his higher education.</p>

<p>I would take a fairly hard line. I wouldn’t want to be soft now and regret it three years later.</p>

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<p>I agree with whoever said make him responsible for some bills. That’ll handle the lesson on the importance of working. Like that poster, our d1 will be responsible for her own books and spending money.</p>

<p>The lying? Teens lie. Make the punishment fit the crime ( no concert and he pays for the tickets, grounding for a short time ). Then let it go. I don’t think this foretells of failure in college or anything more serious.</p>

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<p>Blueigana, I hear what you saying but it also seems to me that OP minimizes difficulty of finding work. Heck, my kid had to work to find volunteer slot. Kid may be afraid to tell parent the truth if he/she thinks parent is unrealistic.</p>

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<p>^ Maybe kayf… Lying is a HUGE hot button of mine and one I have zero tolerance for. I’m sure I’m doing my own projecting here.</p>

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<p>Sikorsky–your ideas are absurd and so over the top they are laughable. And scary.</p>

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<p>Really? I thought the length of my post was absurd, over the top, and laughable. The ideas are really just ways of restricting privileges because he’s lost parental trust. Which I think he has. </p>

<p>I wouldn’t know how many of them I’d actually institute for my own kid, or for how long, until I’d had a long time to think about it calmly.</p>

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<p>Natural consequences will kick in sooner or later with this one. When kid gets to college and realizes that he has no spending money (or not as much as he’d like) he will get a job. Happens everytime.</p>

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<p>Have you talked to him yet? Try to keep it calm. Let him know you are hurt and disappointed. Ask him to please find a job and do the courtesy of letting you know where he is while he is living you. I would sell the tickets via Ebay or Stub Hub if you can’t find someone by word of mouth, and he is just going to have to earn his spending money this summer. Explain to him that you aren’t interested in supporting someone who lies to you. </p>

<p>Try to then let it go, though eying him more carefully. This is an important summer as he is going away to school, so don’t let this incident be the memorable event. It hurts when your kids are deceptive, don’t share your values and don’t live the way you’ve raised them, but they are in transition still and may get there yet. What he did is very common among teens and young adults. He’ll be living his own life soon, and it may well not be the way you like. Not much one can do about that, but you can insist on house rules while he is with you and you are supporting him.</p>

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<p>Well, I’m famous for being the most lenient mother on the block and I would sell those tickets so fast your head would spin. If he can’t get a job, he can tell you (apparently your other kids haven’t had problems with that.) A part-time job the summer before college is…a natural part of self-respect and confidence. </p>

<p>And then of course I would start worrying about the underlying problems…why does he feel he has to lie? But meanwhile, those are not his tickets. (Maybe you’d enjoy the concert?)</p>

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<p>I vote with Sikorsky.</p>

<p>In addition, I would invite the GF’s mom over for coffee and get her take on the situation with the GF and their gang of friends. If this were some pal of Happykid’s who was supposed to be working/looking for work, I’d bust his/her a** myself. At the very least, that pal would be spending his/her “work” time painting sets for the summer theater productions with Happykid.</p>

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<p>Another person who’s closer to your son’s age than yours, but what struck me in the first post was that you weren’t going to let a college age kid go to a concert because you didn’t approve of the band. You did say it was okay, but the fact that it was a question raised a few flags for me. I do know parents who are like that and their kids are the one’s who are more likely to flat out lie to their parents about what they’re doing. A lot of them are either afraid to tell the truth, or so fed up with the ‘no’s’ that they don’t bother anymore.
I’m not saying that this is your son. I’m saying this is what I know from people my own age (well from a year or two ago now). What he did was definitely wrong. Most people I know will tell their parents lies of omission, not flat out lies. The exception is usually if the kid has been drinking and can’t drive home yet. Then people will tell their parents flat out lies because they are afraid of their parents knowing the truth. Maybe he couldn’t find a job and felt like a failure (even subconsciously) or maybe he was afraid of the consequences of telling you that he didn’t want to work this summer. Maybe he saw it as a way around asking to go see his friends all the time if that’s something he still needs permission for.
I’m not saying what he did was okay. Definitely sell the tickets. Stubhub will work if you go slightly below the other people selling. Another punishment for lying is up to you, but a lot of the suggested punishments are harsh. Your son felt he couldn’t tell you the truth for whatever reason before, making it feel like you’re controlling him more and more will only lead to lies later on.</p>

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<p>Actually, resourceful people can STILL get jobs in this economy, IF they want to and are willing to be flexible. He could offer to help paint a house, mow lawns, babysit, walk dogs, run errand/shop for folks with no time or needing help with these things. My S has never had a problem getting jobs when he wanted them, but he had to plan & apply early not just decide he wanted a job the next day. D on the other hand has not been much of a planner & had a harder time landing jobs (tho they love her once they hire her).</p>

<p>I would definitely sell the tickets, keep the money & have S make up any difference if I didn’t make the full price I paid. I would also cut back on all the extras I provide–no car for sure. I am not sure what I’d do about the GF & her parents. Telling them your child was lying to you might make them want to break the association with your kid & that could cause new and more problems–would think that through, as well as any other consequences. Would be sure I could live with the consequences that are imposed for the lies and let child know how disappointed I was & WHY.</p>

<p>I disagree about kids lying–I honestly don’t think my kids lie to me and try never to put them in a position where they feel compelled to lie. We have a good relationship and I respect their privacy & we all respect one another too much to jeopardize our relationship with a lot of lies and half-truths. I don’t inquire much about areas they don’t want to share and they are free to provide as much or little info about those areas as they want.</p>

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<p>This is key I think. He owes you for the tickets because he promised to pay you back. Whether you sell them or not is up to you. Frankly, I’d pay for them and make my kids pay for them since that was the promise…he promised to pay you back, he just didn’t get a job so I’d hold up my end and expect them to hold up their end somehow. He can mow lawns, find a babysitting job, or go find someone that will let him paint…he can find enough odd jobs to pay for tickets before summer’s over (or if you stipulated he’d have to pay you back when the credit card bill comes due then he better start getting the rear in gear). If he doesn’t papy you back on time, I’d charge him interest :-)</p>

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<p>And then of course I would start worrying about the underlying problems…why does he feel he has to lie?</p>

<p>I think he lied because it quickly got his parents off his back. IF he had said that he was “still looking” then everyday his parents would be asking, “where did you apply today?” His one lie ended all conversations.</p>

<p>I don’t think he feared that he would have a hard time finding a job…or that his parents would be unrealistic…I think he just didn’t want to look for a job…or have the time commitments of a job.</p>

<p>I do not agree with the young person who posted that this is his last summer and last time to see his GF and he didn’t want to spend his whole summer working. I really doubt that Sears or any other summer job would require that he work everyday …all day. More likely, he would have to work about 15-20 hours per week…that still leaves PLENTY of time to goof off and see the GF.</p>

<p>Just curious…was the GF’s mom home the whole time while he was there? Or was this an opportunity to spend “alone time” with the GF. I’m guessing that even if the mom is a SAHM, there would be times that she’d be out shopping and running errands.</p>

<p>Also…some kids do have a fear about applying for jobs (at least at the beginning). In such a case, it can help if you know of a job that will likely accept him…</p>

<p>Did he charge his AND the GF’s tix to your account???</p>

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<p>I have more questions than answers:
OP, have you expressed disapproval of his girlfriend or friends?
What are the “consequences” of telling the truth when he disagrees with you?
Does he often have the “opportunity” to lie? (In other words, you suspect but you do not know for sure if he has done something that you disapprove of, so you ask him)
Is he manipulative in other ways?
Is he drinking and/or doing drugs?
Have you been less than truthful to him, to your spouse, or to friends, and has he found out about this?
I’m not saying yes or no to any of these; I am just asking.
I believe that kids really do want our approval, and lying is sometimes a manifestation of that. I think that you can strongly show your disapproval of this in any number of ways, but you also need to show your approval when he tells the truth.</p>

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<p>“Actually, resourceful people can STILL get jobs in this economy, IF they want to and are willing to be flexible.” - That depends a lot on the area and skills of the teen. Around here, there are plenty of unemployed adults/parents chasing the odd jobs. I think my son should have tried harder, but I also know that few of the regular employers are interested in training somebody that will leave in the middle of August. </p>

<p>In OP’s case, the issue really is the lies. I get that. I will say that teen lies often start as a small fib (not initially intended to be a Big Lie)… but then they grow into more lies/coverup due to recognition that parent hate lies. Teens don’t seem to understand the stupidity of digging themselves in deeper, especially when it is obvious that they will get caught.</p>

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<p>Oh wow, did not expect to get this many replies. </p>

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<p>I understand where your’e coming from, I really do. But my attitude is my-house-my-rules. He’s living at my house for now so it’s my rules. Plus the kid is only 17 still, younger than most of his classmates. if this kind of thing happened in college where he wanted to go to some concert well of course I would have no control over that. But like I said, for now, my house my rules and I think most parents will back me up on this point. </p>

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Yes. Now they weren’t THAT expensive, we’re not talking hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Still the money isn’t really the point. </p>

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<p>I don’t understand some of your questions particularly the last one. Have I been untrue to my spouse? No, um I haven’t? what are you getting at? I don’t disapprove of his current girlfriend, she seems nice enough but I only met her once (he goes through girlfriends like a revolving door so this is just the girl dujour). Some of his friends I honestly could stand it if he wouldn’t hang out with them but I don’t think they’re into drugs or anything like that. </p>

<p>And several of you have said that it could be hard for him to find a job in this economy. And I understand that. But really like I said originally I’m not absolutely demanding that he have a job, it’s just that’s basically what he “chose” to do in order to get ticket money. He could have done any number of other things like volunteering or tutoring or blah blah blah whatever else he could find. In the past he volunteered and we gave him some money because he worked hard at it. Honestly even if he had sat us down and said look, it’s my last summer before college and I want to be spend more time with my friends we might have come to some kind of agreement. </p>

<p>But lying is NEVER okay in my book. We are not the kind to yell and scream at our children so he shouldn’t be afraid to approach us with his opinion. ANd going off what someone earlier said it’s inappropriate to spend so much time at someone elses house.</p>

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<p>If that other person is of the opposite sex and likes you there is never enough time together at that age. No lying is not Ok nor is it unusual nor the end of the world. Everyone from our President on down lies pretty much every day. </p>

<p>[Men</a> lie six times a day and twice as much as women, study finds | Mail Online](<a href=“Men lie six times a day and twice as much as women, study finds | Daily Mail Online”>Men lie six times a day and twice as much as women, study finds | Daily Mail Online)</p>

<p>Did you ever offer to pay him $XXX to do something that needed doing around the house? Paint or landscaping work, etc. More than just taking out the trash. When I was that age and could not get a job (in my day most kids got the better jobs with their parents help) my parents paid me $500+ paint to paint the house. It was fun and good money at the time–enough to buy a beater MGB I drove for a year.</p>

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<p>You’re going to quote the Daily Mail…isn’t that the UK version of In Touch…just a step above The National Inquirer? Hard hitting investigative journalism. :rolleyes:</p>

<p>I’m not going to argue the point that people lie…but the source of the article deserves a laugh…c’mon! And just because people do it doesn’t mean it isn’t this parents job to address it how she sees fit.</p>

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<p>I am in no way minimizing the lying (which is a big problem), but I did want to point out something and ask a question.</p>

<p>Is it possible your son lied because he was embarrassed about being unable to get a job? Or didn’t want to disappoint you?</p>

<p>This is a very, very tough job market. I work (as a volunteer) with several young people (all teens) and none (yes, ZIP) of them have steady summer employment. One has a part-time, temporary, as-needed type gig through a city jobs program (that could only promise $60 for a few hours of work a dozen times this summer). The others, some of whom are expected to contribute to family expenses (and are extremely motivated to secure employment, trust me!), have been unable to nail anything down. These teens have applied to everything they can find (I’ve helped them) - jobs with city government, internships at the public library, day camp counselor positions, lifeguarding, waitressing/bussing jobs at restaurants, cook type positions with fast food joints, cashier positions, stocking positions, janitorial jobs, personal care assistant type jobs – you name it. One of my mentees told me that a local family restaurant told him he was one of 39 applicants for a bus boy position and that there were applicants with extensive experience ahead of him in line. A bookstore in our city advertised for a shelver and the job description required night and weekend hours plus a college degree<a href=“not%20joking!”>/u</a>. The teens have moved on to cold-calling places in person, resume in hand, asking to take any and absolutely any job they can offer.</p>

<p>Of course every area is different. Maybe your community is awash in teen-type employment, for hardworking, responsible teenagers who have yet to enter college or don’t yet have a college diploma. If that’s the case, I’ll gladly help sponsor an exchange program. . . . Share this info and I’ll send 'em your way!</p>