<p>mom2CK, what i meant is that in the past we’ve always asked them to be doing something. this S has two older brothers, both college aged and both are not at home this summer so of course i don’t make them do anything because that’s not my jurisdiction anymore. even so S2 is volunteering w/ Habitat for Humanity this summer and S1 is taking summer classes and serving as an orientation counselor for incoming freshmen to his uni. in the past when they lived at home they just did normal volunteering, jobs, one was a summer school tutor once and ect. </p>
<p>And on that second point we’ve tried to let him know that’s how we feel. H and I are very busy people who don’t like to just be sitting around and we just want the same kind of attitude in our kids.</p>
<p>This seems to me like a potential source of trouble. Maybe the trouble is just in the wording of this sentiment here, or maybe it’s deeper.</p>
<p>Nobody could stop you from “wanting the same kind of attitude” in your kids, but I think you’re kidding yourself if you can determine what kind of “attitude” your kids will actually have. As long as you’re footing the bill for them, it’s your prerogative, I think, to lay down the law, within reason, about behavior, but it’s probably hopeless to try imposing any kind of law about temperament.</p>
<p>In the same way, nobody could possibly stop you from feeling disappointed if your kids don’t grow up to seek the same kind of always-on-the-go life that you and your husband seem to have, but you shouldn’t act on your feelings by setting up expectations about how they are supposed to feel or what they’re supposed to want.</p>
<p>For the record, this is advice that I have an easy time expressing and a hard time following.</p>
<p>*this S has two older brothers, both college aged and both are not at home this summer so of course i don’t make them do anything because that’s not my jurisdiction anymore. even so S2 is volunteering w/ Habitat for Humanity this summer and S1 is taking summer classes and serving as an orientation counselor for incoming freshmen to his uni. in the past when they lived at home they just did normal volunteering, jobs, one was a summer school tutor once and ect. *</p>
<p>OK…good…so the examples that have been set by the older bros demonstrate that any meaningful activity has been acceptable. So, younger son knew that he really didn’t have to have a paying job…he just had to have some kind of meaningful activity…but he chose NO ACTIVITY…and lying to get you to pay for tix.</p>
<p>So…how is he getting spending money for the summer? I find it odd that a student wants to goof off all summer with GF and friends without any cash in his pocket.</p>
<p>I wanted my parents to be rich and famous. They really let me down. He is not your Mini Me. He is rapidly becoming his own person and that may or may not fit with your masterplan.</p>
<p>I do not have a “master plan” and am not trying to make him my “mini me.” is there REALLY something wrong with not wanting your kids to think it’s okay to sit around the house being lazy and doing nothing. I don’t ask them to be always constantly on the go because everyone needs time to relax especially during summer, but i also think that if they weren’t committed to doing something on a regular basis well then they would just sit around which doesn’t help anyone.</p>
<p>if him becoming “his own person” includes him lying and being impulsive i have failed as a parent.</p>
<p>I agree with all that, mechEma. You can show your kids by your example the kind of people you want them to be, and the kind of industriousness you want them to have. You can express it to them in words. You can be disappointed if they don’t have the kind of temperament you want them to have. But I really think you can’t do a great deal to determine how they’ll think or feel.</p>
<p>I’m totally with you on the subject of this son’s behavior. He was clearly in the wrong. He actively deceived you and his father for days on end, and it was, as others have noted, a really dumb lie, to boot. But I think you’re going to be a lot better off if you approach this as a matter of behavior and actions, and not as a matter of personal temperament. And, really, an important part of living a responsible adult life is having the discipline to do stuff even when you don’t want to do it.</p>
<p>As for your last sentence, I’d say this: if his becoming “his own person” includes his lying around and being impulsive, he’ll be failing as a person, but it may or may not have anything to do with your parenting. You could do everything right and still raise kids who turn out rotten; you could do everything wrong and still raise kids who turn out great. All you can do as a parent, I think, is to do the best you can as often as you can, and then trust that somehow your best efforts improve the odds that you kids will grow into good adults.</p>
<p>barrons: that’s a bit harsh. It’s a parent’s job to try to instill the values in their child that they think will help them become sucessful adults. And frankly, industry is a good value for kids to have. If I had kids, I wouldn’t want them to just laze around the house for months and months. They should have free time, certainly (it is their vacation after all) but they should also try to keep busy with something other than self indulgence. A few weeks of self indulgence is fine, but several months of it is just silly. </p>
<p>When I was home from college for long periods of time, I got a job and also (since my job didn’t take up all of my free time) helped my parents around the house with chores. It was expected and it wasn’t that hard. My parents work hard to provide me with the funds to go to college, when I’m home they provide me with meals and free housing and take me shopping. The least I can do is help them with some of the stuff they need done. It’s not so difficult to empty the dishwasher, water the plants, run errands, etc. You still have plenty of time to hang out with your friends and laze around.</p>
<p>“All you can do as a parent, I think, is to do the best you can as often as you can, and then trust that somehow your best efforts improve the odds that you kids will grow into good adults.” - Amen.</p>
<p>The list of vastly successful people or just normal everyday middleclass people who drifted a bit when they were 17-18 would fill volumes. You have 40-50 years of nose to the grindstone to “look forward” to. I suggest renting “The Graduate”.</p>
<p>*is there REALLY something wrong with not wanting your kids to think it’s okay to sit around the house being lazy and doing nothing. *</p>
<p>Absolutely not. As a matter of fact, I think many experts would say that when kids have nothing to do, they are more likely to get into trouble.</p>
<p>Can you answer my earlier question…what is your son doing about “pocket money” this summer? I think it’s odd that someone wants the freedom to hand out with friends and GF over summer…but have no source for money. Is he mooching off you, friends, and the GF?</p>
<p>Sorry to leave that unexplained, S has a bit of money from having a school year allowance. He does work hard during the year so we do not think it’s out of the ordinary really to reward him a bit. However he is low on allowance money because he recently bought a very expensive guitar and he wanted to keep a reserve of money to use for spending money this summer and for fall which is why he “got a job” to pay me back for tix instead of using the allowance money.</p>
<p>S has a bit of money from having a school year allowance. He does work hard during the year so we do not think it’s out of the ordinary really to reward him a bit. However he is low on allowance money because he recently bought a very expensive guitar and he wanted to keep a reserve of money to use for spending money this summer and for fall which is why he “got a job” to pay me back for tix instead of using the allowance money.</p>
<p>Ahh…so now that he’s spent a good bit of money and his “reserves” are running low, what does he expect to use as “pocket money” when he goes to college? Does he expect that his “school year allowance” will resume? If so, I can see why he wasn’t motivated to get a job…he wasn’t “hungry” enough. </p>
<p>I see nothing wrong with him having had a school year allowance in high school, but there is something that puzzles me…how could he accumulate so much (enough to buy a pricey guitar) while also doing the normal “student stuff that costs money” and while having had numerous GFs. Is it possible that you were giving him too much?</p>
<p>The guitar was not that expensive now that I look back at it, it was something like 140 dollars. He is not a pro guitar player so it is just a starter guitar. So saying it was “very expensive” was inaccurate but it was indeed “very expensive” for him considering he had to spend a large portion of hia money.</p>
<p>So, now that his reserves are low (so low that he didn’t want to use his reserves for the tix), how is he going to pay for stuff…gas, fast food, movies, etc…for the rest of summer? </p>
<p>Do you pay for all of his gas for entertainment purposes? If so, that may be something to shutdown. </p>
<p>My older son is very bad about “thinking ahead” about money. If he has $300 in his checking acct, and something comes up that will cost a good bit, he has trouble stopping and thinking…hmmmm…what in the future am I going to need that money for? And…when his school year job was ending…he didn’t think…“hmm…I’m not going to be getting any paychecks after May 6th…maybe I need to save some money for later.” Luckily, he did get a 5-week paid gig this summer, but he’s having trouble not spending a good bit of what he’s earning. His younger bro is the exact opposite! </p>
<p>H and I are trying to help him learn how to budget and to think ahead…it is so hard!</p>
His younger bro is the exact opposite! </p>