<p>Oxymoron–responsible 17 year old male. Can they act that way at times–yes. Will they always–not likely. I’m sure most of us could make a long list of dumb not responsible things we did between 16 and 25 or so. When I was 16 and could not drive yet I would pay my buddy a tank of gas to take me over to GFs house when she said her parents would be gone for a few hours. If it were not 5 miles and I had the time I’d have walked. I have no idea where I told my parents I was going. Surely not the truth.</p>
<p>Not going to be a secret agent… I love this!! 
He’d need to seriously beef up his skills, that’s for sure!</p>
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Just curious, if you bought the tickets online for him how did you not know there were two?</p>
<p>I give my credit card to my kids to purchase items on the internet that i agree to buy for them. I never actually do the transaction. Mabe this is the same for OP.</p>
<p>Well, the son basically stated he lied so his parents would not yell at him. What he didn’t do was apologize and take responsibility. Then he threw in all the diversions. Classic.</p>
<p>It’s a big deal. I would tell him he has damaged your trust. I would sell the tickets on stub hub. I would not buy him anything else all summer. Not a dime. Thats it. No other punishment is needed. He will be forced to get a job if he wants to have any fun this summer. I assume he has no money since he couldnt buy the tx. So no gas money means no transportation. He can rely on others for that.</p>
<p>I would also tell him sometime this summer that he has to sign the waiver at college so you can see his grades and money situation this next year. </p>
<p>Good luck. Many kids this age lie. Don’t hold it over his head by talking about it any more. Just close the bank of mom and dad.</p>
<p>Now graduation gifts can throw this plan right out the window.</p>
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</p>
<p>Absolutely.</p>
<p>Well, I would address the accusation that your DH and you want him out of sight. He can be in your sight a lot these summer evenings and weekends. Be supernice and sweet. Do help him find a job though. It’s tough going for some kids to do this. They have no idea how to go about it and after a few rejections, give up. I’m shocked at the number of college kids I know who were such great, confident, capable young people who fell into that mode. My one son is so shy that he was paralyzed about job hunting and was just plain lucky that he got some job offers through his brothers’ leavings. On his own, he would have had a tough time. Many kids around here do not have jobs this summer. The NYT today had bleak statistics regarding summer jobs.</p>
<p>Well, let me just say sorry for all the problems with your S. And, that I can completely identify!</p>
<p>My S did not lie about getting a job, but we went through a phase where we were dealing with the effects of his lies. We have pretty much determined that he doesn’t tell the truth to us about most things. His attitude is that we don’t need to know everything.</p>
<p>Today we just found out that he received a citation for riding our public transportation without paying. He had conveniently forgotten to mention this until we got the notice in the mail to appear in court or pay $150!</p>
<p>He claims that his lying is only because we are too strict, and he just wants his ‘independence’. We shall see once he goes off to college and doesn’t have to answer to us any longer. </p>
<p>Taking away his cell phone, etc, is exactly what we would do and have done. Just know you aren’t alone!</p>
<p>Well, the son basically stated he lied so his parents would not yell at him. What he didn’t do was apologize and take responsibility. Then he threw in all the diversions. Classic.</p>
<p>very good point…where is the remorse? Where is the apology? Where is the “I’ll never do this again.”???</p>
<p>It’s a big deal. I would tell him he has damaged your trust. I would sell the tickets on stub hub. I would not buy him anything else all summer. Not a dime. Thats it. No other punishment is needed. He will be forced to get a job if he wants to have any fun this summer. I assume he has no money since he couldnt buy the tx. So no gas money means no transportation. He can rely on others for that.</p>
<p>This brings up an interesting point. Without a job…what were his plans for spending money for the summer? I can’t imagine many kids wanting to “goof off” all summer with friends WITHOUT ANY MONEY to pay for gas…or fast food with friends…or dates with the GF…or movies, etc. </p>
<p>What has your son been doing for money these past few weeks?</p>
<p>=====================</p>
<p>He can have his “independence” when he is independent from your wallet…your cell phone plan…your car insurance…etc. Who is supposed to pay for that $150 citation? I hope it’s Mr. Independent.</p>
<p>Frankly…this is one of the problems of kids thinking that they’re adults at 18…they want the freedom, but not the responsibility to pay for themselves or college.</p>
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And didn’t know you paid for two tickets?</p>
<p>Don’t have much time here but just to answer this question that’s been brought up, yes, we did know we paid for two tickets. My surprise surprise comment was sarcastic, I was suggesting what a surprise it <strong>wasn’t</strong> that the same girl S has been “shacking up with” for the past two weeks is also the girl he was going to go the concert with.</p>
<p>Sorry for being a little amused by the thread topic.</p>
<p>My solution: the OP and her husband should go to the concert and tape themselves on whooping it up on their digital camera. Channel Woodstock. Be sure you make out. </p>
<p>Bonus points if this is a concert with very few middle-aged parents.</p>
<p>Your experience sounds so frustrating! And not sure if this will help but it did bring back memories. A boyfriend of mine back in the day actually dropped out of school during the year and didn’t tell his parents. They had been sending him money etc. and he managed to live on it. Needless to say, when they found out they went ballistic. It was horrible. They were rightfully angry, upset, worried and felt betrayed. </p>
<p>Well fwiw, flash ahead not that far from that bad time: he goes back to school, then shortly thereafter graduates from college, gets fantastic job, makes a huge fortune in an IPO, big success in his field, has a wonderful family and well, that was a small bad blip in time and it all turned out fine. </p>
<p>Not that you shouldn’t be frustrated and shouldn’t deal with the situation- but I just wanted to share that so you have at least one story that might make it not seem quite so bad.</p>
<p>Idea #2: Let him go to the concert, but make him bring you with instead of his GF.
Matching, identifying T-shirts (“That’s my son —>” “<----That’s my Mom”) would make the experience complete.</p>
<p>collegealum314, I like your idea! Funny!</p>
<p>Also, I do agree it is serious and I’d be mad/there should be some consequences. Dire ones? I dunno. But consequences. Starting w/ selling the tickets of course.</p>
<p>But if this isn’t a habit, (the lying) then it was probably just a dumb teenage thing that he did on an impulse. Even smart kids don’t always look all the way to the end scenario. It blew up in his face, and he probably (somewhere along the line) realized it would. I’m sure he EXPECTS some consequences, not that he wants them…</p>
<p>My college roommate lied to her parents for a full year–she moved out of our apartment and in w/ her boyfriend. The parents never did find out as far as I know. When they were coming to visit she’d show up and act like she was there all the time. I covered for her when they phoned. I see now that it was deceitful, but–then it just seemed like the thing to do. You know, true love and all. Plus, then I got the whole place to myself, for half-cost, and I actually liked that. </p>
<p>Now as a parent, I would be boiling mad about being lied to like that! Funny how your perspective shifts!</p>
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<p>LOL! thanks for bringing that much-needed smile to my face.</p>
<p>love Collegealum314’s idea. Really, MechEma, it does hurt when your child does this sort of thing, but remember that from the beginning of time young men have been lying and sneaking out to see young women and vice versa. When the heart and hormones start pumping, not enough juice gets to the brain, I’m afraid. </p>
<p>Not saying, he should not be held accountable for his lies, but bear in mind that this is an expected sort of thing. Part of our job description to deal with it. No directions on how.</p>
<p>*A boyfriend of mine back in the day actually dropped out of school during the year and didn’t tell his parents. They had been sending him money etc. and he managed to live on it. Needless to say, when they found out they went ballistic. It was horrible. They were rightfully angry, upset, worried and felt betrayed. *</p>
<p>I think this sort of thing happens more than we think. When I went to my high school reunion, one of my old friends told me the same story - except that this kid actually also had misspent the tuition money. I just couldn’t understand why parents would be giving tuition money to the kid…and not directly to the school. (same with the Mark Hacking case.)</p>
<p>remember that from the beginning of time young men have been lying and sneaking out to see young women and vice versa.</p>
<p>I don’t’ think this is about love and all. I think he would have done this even with no girl in his life…he just didn’t want to work this summer. Period…end of story.</p>
<p>Also…some kids get it into their heads that their parents earn enough that they shouldn’t have to work…is that also going on?</p>
<p>what about this idea? let him go to the concert but have massive amounts of work at home to do before time- lawn, scrub floors, clean garage, paint rooms etc- ball is in his court- basically working off the debt and penalty- is he can recruit his girlfriend - fine</p>
<p>MechEma: I’m glad you got a kick out of the idea of you and hubby going to the concert and record the whole thing! I think a little lightness is ok here. I read all of the posts and am surprised nobody has talked about the “soil the nest” summer before going to college. I also sense he is your first off to college and this whole shift to the independent adult thing is something you are aware of, but not quite sure what the new rules are now. He just graduated, and I can tell you they are sooo full of themselves at this time. They are 18, and think that means they are independent agents (loved the secret agent comment too ) They do lie and lie by omission. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. And, they think all of their friends have their parents under control, except them, and they are embarrassed that they are still answering to you.Of course this is not true, but they don’t get that until they are older I think this is all normal, however, not acceptable. </p>
<p>He has betrayed you and and your trust in him. He has also lost your respect. I would sell the tickets (because you really don’t like the band, but if you did, going to the concert would be something you would all laugh about later in life, especially once HE is a parent.) I would sit down and tell him how you feel. Tell him no theatrics allowed because he has lost his right to do that, this is a much bigger issue to you. Betrayal, broken trust, lost respect- he will feel that.</p>
<p>I would also take your car back all summer, cut the phone for a week (they don’t even know their friends phone # anymore because they program them in- so cutting the phone kills them) I would not ground him, because he is going off to college and that IMO is still treating him like a child. You won’t be grounding him in 6 months so think of new ways effect a change in his behavior. </p>
<p>Then I would let it go. My son really betrayed me during his senior year, and it cut deep. I took his car away and canceled his insurance. This was the last month of senior year. It was hard, but I wanted him to know that yes, he was now 18 and an adult, but I was now in the position that I didn’t HAVE to do anything for him. Nothing. I wanted him to feel the shift in the relationship goes both ways. It worked BTW. He went off to college and has been super responsible. As he matured at college, I could see it dawning on him how much he betrayed our relationship. He has worked very hard to build the trust between us, but I must admit, it is slow for me. Once trust is lost, it IS hard to restore it. I think this was the first time I had really felt what happens when you no longer trust someone your really love.</p>
<p>For this reason, I want to caution you about letting this get bigger than it really is. They lie, not OK, but they do. So go easy on yourself and try not to get too upset, because he is going to leave in a few short months and your relationship won’t be the same ever again. And, you are the one who is going to feel this loss and shift, not him. He is going to go head long into his life and won’t be thinking about you again for a few more years. Just put your feelings out there, let him see you have a backbone and won’t put up with his actions and than just be disappointed in him. He will get it.</p>
<p>It is easy to get angry, (I’m glad you can hold your tongue in confrontations with him…good job Mom!) but, if you can secretly laugh at the funny posts here you will be better off. I was told during this time “You have taught him all of his lessons, he won’t hear you anymore at this point. From here on, the world will teach him his lessons and he will hear your voice then. You are done teaching him anything.”) That is the wisdom I want to share with you. </p>
<p>If he is your first out the door, there is very little chance you were going to escape an explosive situation like this. Take care of yourself and your feelings, so you come out of this without a permanent scar on your heart. {hugs to you}
P.S. It was your typo’s that signaled your distress to me, so don’t worry about them!</p>
<p>MechEma…</p>
<p>In your first post, you mention that you and your H wanted all your kids to have summer jobs or something to do this summer…no homebodies.</p>
<p>How old are your other kids…and what are they doing?</p>
<p>Your son’s comment about you wanting him out of the house sounds like a misunderstanding. many parents don’t want their kids at home over the summer doing nothing because it generates laziness, kids sleep in all day, stay up all night, the kitchen is a constant mess, messes everywhere, kids not doing any chores, etc. If that is where you were coming from, does he understand that?</p>