<p>My MIL sent us a letter at one point telling me that she hoped DH would beat me until I couldn’t have children. (!) This was the culmination of several nasty grams she had sent. We cut off contact for a couple of years and only resumed after we found out that Child Protective Services had gotten involved with the family (DH’s brother was 11 at the time) and we considered trying to get custody of him.</p>
<p>She had been physically and emotionally abusive towards DH when he was growing up, so I had my antennae up for trouble. </p>
<p>Needless to say that once we had kids, they were NEVER left alone with that set of grandparents. By that time, MIL’s physical ailments overpowered her mental illness and she was never inappropriate towards her grandsons.</p>
<p>^^She did – repeated MH hospitalizations and lots of meds (including resulting addiction issues) for many years before I met DH. She was housebound pretty much the entire time I knew her. </p>
<p>I get to live with the residue from that. My illnesses have been very tough on DH. It’s like reliving his worst nightmares.</p>
I work with seniors, and I would say no. Most of the stories here seem to be about MILs with a long history of verbal and emotional abuse. If the hurtful behavior is new, I’d wonder if it was related to meds, brain changes, or other disease. I have seen some seniors with dementia whose personalities undergo a negative change. This thread has made me think about one of them. Whenever she comes to our center, she tells the same long, unfounded story about one of our other members - how mean and insulting she is. In actuality, the other senior is the sweetest, least confrontational person imaginable. It’s truly all in the first senior’s mind. When I first met her 10 years ago, she’d never have said such ugly things.</p>
<p>I wonder what some of the toxic MILs mentioned here are thinking. Even if they personally dislike a daughter-in-law or son-in-law, don’t they recognize the need for their own child to be happy in their marriage?</p>
<p>Should have stopped earlier, girls are just problems anyway; Periodically, would always forcecast that I’d have problems with her because girls are so mean to their mothers.</p>
<p>I have tried my best to forget her comments, to me, to my kids about me, and her generally negative world view. With age, she’s only become more angry and more willing to lash out at someone in anger. It is not only about HER but it is about HER views, which must be broadcast anywhere and everywhere.</p>
<p>I think that Very Happy is correct. They don’t care whether their child is happy or not. Maybe they are jealous of a good relationship. My MIL and FIL fought like cats and dogs when they were in better health. </p>
<p>Some of these stories reminded me of things about one of my grandmothers (yes Dad’s mother). Even though I was very little, it always seemed that she liked her daughter’s children more. At least I had another grandmother.</p>
<p>When I read some of these stories that started out, “my first MIL”, I had to say a prayer of thanks that at least I had had only one MIL. </p>
<p>TP, ellebud, and everyone, one of my favorite sayings - don’t let the b@$t@rd$ get you down!</p>
<p>In all her kookiness, my MIL had a couple of good sayings. One was you can’t make someone love you or lend you money. Oh,how I know that.</p>
<p>My MIL always sees the negative in everything, even if she has to manufacture it. If we tell her we’re taking a trip somewhere, she could never say something normal like, Oh how nice, have a good time. Instead it’s: Why do you always go to other countries? Why don’t you keep your money in the US? Why don’t you go somewhere in driving distance? When you fly, you’re making gas more expensive for everyone else. Why are you going to France and not Italy? Don’t you want to see Italy? Don’t you feel deprived because you’ve never been to Italy? And of course, What if I have an emergency while you’re away?</p>
<p>We bought a vacation house. It’s on a body of water but not on the ocean. Her first words were (in tragic tone): “Oh, it’s not on the real water?”</p>
<p>But at least she likes me now. She threw a months-long tantrum before DH and I married. Mostly because I’m not Jewish (nevermind that her ex-husband, DH’s father, was not Jewish). She told DH that it was a slap in the face to his dead grandmother, and that he should think about how awful it was going to be when his children were wearing crucifixes and rosaries around their necks (I’m not Catholic). She enlisted his cousins to take him to dinner to try to talk him out of the marriage, telling him he was “doomed to a life of despair” if he married me.</p>
<p>He had a small inheritance from his grandmother, which under the terms of the will was controlled by his mother until he was 30 (grandmother was a control freak too). When he turned 30, she initially refused to hand it over to him until he would “guarantee” that I would never get my hands on it, and that if he used any part of it to buy a house, the house would not be in my name. (We had two kids at that point.) Oh I could go on and on . . . .</p>
<p>I learned one thing from my in laws: How not to be an in law. And my children are at the time when they are picking out mates. I don’t have a problem with any of them…and if I did…I would keep my mouth shut.</p>
<p>Interestingly–my mother in law told me years ago…</p>
<p>When there is trouble between the mother in law and the daughter in law…it is the mother in laws problem and she needs to back off/fix it…"</p>
<p>However-- though that hasn’t always been her practice…she does try.
I am praying I do my best when my kids marry and remember my place with our married-ins e tc</p>
<p>My FIL told the boys that he had everything taken care of for them when he died, they wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Not surprisingly, the self centered ■■■■■■■ meant that he had written his obituary, which he made sure to include all his wonderful achievements.</p>
<p>Surprisingly, he didn’t have everything set up for the boys. He had not prepaid for his funeral, he left very little life insurance, and he didn’t even have his files organized so my H could file his taxes after he died. However, he had all his writings and thoughts for stories and poetry all neatly organized, as if he expects us to publish them posthumously.</p>
<p>What upsets me the most is that had he predeceased my MIL, she would have been left with nothing, only her social security, which wouldn’t have been enough to cover her monthly bills. </p>
<p>While my father may not have been a rich man, he did make sure that he kept up his life insurance so that my mother would not be destitute upon his death. This so and so took his nice pension and social security check and poured it into the casinos, leaving the boys with no choice but to sell the family home just to pay his outstanding bills.</p>
<p>I was lucky with my MIL, from the first moment we met. The most aggravating thing she ever said was, “I don’t want to be a bother.” But, she meant it. (And, she was easy to read and easy to please.) I used to plan biz flights so I could swing by her city and spend time with her. </p>
<p>On the other hand, there’s my mom. Luckily, DH inherited his mother’s tolerance, has been a great buffer and kept me glued together many times. My mom, at one of her lowest points, when we were struggling with getting pregnant: are you sure? Children really aren’t worth it. </p>
<p>I don’t want to explain now what she was going through (she mended many fences, is still quirky and I’m still wary, but it’s mostly fine.) </p>
<p>But, I do want to say to MiamiDAP that the sort of hurts posters are talking about run deep- this isn’t an occasional crack about whether or not someone looks good in a certain color or relatives don’t like the vegetables. It can be an insidious, perpetual wearing down that sometimes is abuse. And, because it’s family, there isn’t a “one way” to deal with it. I’m sorry for all who have to go through it. Best wishes for your health and well being.</p>
<p>My MIL is not as bad as some described on this thread. However, she is pretty rude, wasn’t happy that H chose a short Italian Catholic instead of a tall blond WASP (like her). She regularly throws out rude and mean zingers, immediately followed by “When you’re 80, you’ll understand” as if that excuses her rudeness. The problem is, she has used that phrase, with the age changing, since I first met her 30 years ago.</p>
<p>My mother once said this to me: “MD Dad must love you; otherwise, there are lots of things he would not put up with.” DH asked, " Like what?" He is a peach.</p>
<p>I got my husband to go to a therapist with me (I had to leave home for two days and threaten not to come back unless he came with me). Turns out my MIL is a textbook narcissistic personality. My husband is the “golden child”, and his brother is the scapegoat. Now, as the weakest and most vulnerable member of the family (the one with cancer), I am the scapegoat for her wrath. She is actually angry at HIM for not loving her enough. The therapist told him the next time she insults me, he has to defend me. Also, he has to reframe the whole dispute to what it is really about- her anger at HIM for not paying her enough attention. He has to call her and say, “Mom, can we talk about who you are really angry at?” Oy vey! I could have kissed the therapist! Now I am on Amazon ordering books about narcissistic mothers. There are dozens, BTW.</p>
<p>Wait! Even better! I ordered “Disarming the narcissist: Surviving and Thriving With the Self-Absorbed” with the Amazon gift card she gave me for my birthday! (She’s a narcissistic complusive giver!- I am learning so much).
Tptshorty, armchair shrink!</p>