To the OP, the teacups should definitely not be presented to the ex. Others here have said what I think - sends wrong message, might open wound, not supportive of son etc. I really don’t think it is appropriate to continue an actual friendship with a child’s ex unless it is an ex spouse and there are kids involved for whose sake friendly relations are beneficial. Yes perhaps in some special cases a person could be friends with a son’s ex gf, but mostly I see it as interfering with your own kid’s social life. Better not to mention the person unless the kid brings it up.
I feel sorry for anyone who loses a relationship that was important to him or her, and on that OP you have my best wishes for feeling better soon. I agree with what other’s have said about keeping at arms length from our kid’s relationships unless they become formalized. I know many people give gifts at holidays to children’s gf or bf, but once the relationship is done, step back.
Sorry you are feeling blue. Time to focus on something else.
Funny, my kids are younger, soph and HS senior. I am going through trying to detach myself from the college selection process, falling in love with schools that my HS senior may not be in love with ! Guess this is my wake up call to distance myself a bit, before I get to thinking about a potential daughter in law in the future.
@oldfort, Wonder where does our kid’s tendency of feeling guilty (when does something slightly wrong) come from? As far as I can remember, we have never had a need to right his wrong since his birth. (Hmm…Is this why it seems he rarely gets into a fight or argument with his current girlfriend? We only heard exactly once that she was unhappy about one thing at one time – not enough attention during a break.)
Sometimes I have a slight worry that his future wife may think he is a little bit too close to his mom. I guess most women, in the role of the wife or girlfriend, would not like that. Fortunately though, my wife seems to be very good at backing off, especially after college (maybe it is due to the distance. When he is home, she may get into her “mom” mode very quickly.)
My S lives with his gf. He told me after they decided, I had no part or was even asked for advice. I wish he would get his act together and get engaged. But I’m not getting involved.
My D was asked by her boyfriend to move in with him or to have him move in with her. She decided that she wanted to live alone. It was such a good decision but I wasn’t involved.
The kids have their own jobs and own money. They no longer are dependent on us and not giving advice on relationships is part of me letting them be grownup and not interjecting my values and opinions. It’s not easy.
S and gf are in their late 20s. He just met her in Aug. and they seem to be a good match. There was some teasing about engagement during the holidays, but too soon for S. I have a very close relationship with S who lives several time zones away. I have never met his gf. A few weeks ago he asked me some advice— I thought S was misinterpreting something gf said, and gave him my “female perspective.” The next time I talked to him he said I had been totally/completely wrong. I told him not to share anything about their relationship with me–just tell me when they are engaged, or if they break up!
“They no longer are dependent on us and not giving advice on relationships is part of me letting them be grownup and not interjecting my values and opinions.”
Earlier this year I made the mistake of commenting on something regarding DS & his GF when he didn’t ask for advice. He is 21. He told me “Mom, I think it’s weird to have you giving me advise about my relationship when I didn’t ask for it. Please don’t.” Yep learned my lesson there.
I give my son’s G/f gifts for major holiday. I never get a thank you. This year, I gave a gift certificate to Williams/Sonoma, no response. We are talking BIG bucks. My son said they would shop together, and she was really interested in cooking stuff for new apartment. I suspect she doesn’t want to feel an obligation. I take it in stride. My son adores her, and that is enough for me.
My D1’s BF’s parents give her pretty elaborate gifts and take her on vacations. I don’t give her BF gifts at this point – but I figure they (the couple) live in the same town as the BF’s family, and they spend a lot of time together (holidays with BF’s extended family, the parents regularly take them out to dinner, they stay over at the family’s house together sometimes). – so it makes some sense that his parents give her presents. I might see the BF once a year. Once they are engaged, I guess I will start buying him stuff. @bookworm, not even a phone call thank you or an email? That is kind of rude…
Yep, I agree. My son spends lots of time with her family, and they are not the thank you types. I stopped sending a gifts to all family members. Now, just to her. I’m afraid to say, but my son is also negligent with thank-yous, especially since he hasn’t lived under my roof for years. My son and his girlfriend share similar wonderful traits, as well as the negatives. So very similar.
@bookworm - you wouldn’t think of saying something to your son?
Few years ago, D1 said to me, “BF(name) will be buying you a gift for xmas.” I took it as a big hint that I should also buy him something. If there is something the BF (probably a fiance soon) is doing something that’s bugging me, I would tell D1.
D1’s BF called me by my first name a few times in the beginning. I told D1 that it didn’t work for me, so she let the BF know. He came up with a different name for me, not Mrs. Oldfort because it is too formal for him, and I am fine with it. Over this xmas, he met my sister for the first time and he called her by her first name. She promptly pulled him aside, “My friends call me by my first name. My kid’s friends call me Mrs. X. You are almost family now, so why don’t you call me Aunt Firstname.”
^Yep, I did the same thing this past Thanksgiving with my 22 year old S. His reaction was very similar, polite but firm. Okay, I get it - And as it turned out, good practice for when my 20 year old D came home from college for Christmas, eager to tell us all about her boyfriend whom she has been seeing since August. I listened, smiled and nodded, smiled and nodded and only made comments to my walking partner (“The girl who couldn’t do her own laundry at home now helps her boyfriend with his, WTH ???”) It was really hard not to comment but I did it…
"Sometimes I have a slight worry that his future wife may think he is a little bit too close to his mom. I guess most women, in the role of the wife or girlfriend, would not like that. "
Why are you worried about this? If she has a problem with their closeness, she will express it to him and the they’ll work it out. Or they won’t.
I’ve been introduced to 3 of S’s GFs, and have been cordial and friendly to all of them. I’m not trying to be their BFF, and I don’t want to act like I am recruiting a future DIL, but I want them to feel welcomed.
The last one clearly was serious about S and he seemed pretty serious about her. She and I would have happily entered into the DIL/MIL relationship, and we both knew it although nothing was said. Alas, it was not to be.
S said, “You’ve liked all of my GFs and you will like the next one.” Sigh.
I don’t get the idea of deliberately holding someone at arm’s length. It seems to me that that could be hurtful to the SO, and come across as if they were found wanting in some way. Maybe it depends eactly what one means by it.
Consolation, I will try to explain at least what I mean by arms length. We can be friendly, and inclusive and genuinely like our kid’s companions, but they do not become our friends. Socialization is with the child not outside of that. Warm and welcoming but not pals. That gives the child room to explore the relationship without complicating factors. Yes, if an engagement occurs, things should change and become closer in a good way, If the kids move in together short of engagement, then the relationship would be somewhat undefined for the parents as well, and it would be harder. Just my opinion.
Bless you that you genuinely want to be friends with your son’s SO. Just hold onto your horses for the one who becomes the lifetime partner.
I remember that before I met my H, in some type of fantasy I imagined a MIL that I could play tennis with, go out to lunch with, shop with - a friend. My MIL had no interest in these things or most other things that interest me, except my H and D. That had to be enough. If I saw her two or three times without my family in all the years I knew her it was alot. I never met my inlaws until I was engaged, but I was not young like our kids are now.
"D1’s BF called me by my first name a few times in the beginning. I told D1 that it didn’t work for me, so she let the BF know. "
DS has told me that he and his GF have talked about getting married down the line. When they stayed here recently she started calling DH and I, mom and dad. DH and I were surprised but didn’t say anything. I have an awful relationship with my MIL so if the GF wants to call me mom I am going to take that as a good sign.
Hopefully she will find her match eventually.