In our real life, we have decided not to refer to the “previous one” at all, even between us (parents). We will never mention her again when we were with DS also.
I do not know why in the online/virtual life, I would still refer to her occasionally. Maybe it is parent’s instinct that if someone has ever emotionally hurt your loved one, no matter how slight it may be, it will be in your memory for a long time.
Nope. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Huh? I do not understand. But it does not matter because it is not directly related to the “breakup” topic. If we want to be rigorous about it, let us agree that any paragraph with the “breakup” word in it will be considered as a hijack of a thread for this thread from now on. And no personal anecdotal reference – this is how corbrat often got into the nerve of some others (but not on mine) as far as I can tell. This is because he often prefers to cite his personal experience – some finds it interesting (living through his life experience) but some does not.
Anyway, regarding the breakup, do you think it actually happens suddenly without any sign of the imminent breakup? That is, it happens out of the blue? Or, you could likely see some red flags well before the breakup? Of course, there are a wide variety of breakups and there is no particular “pattern” on it. But in your S/D’s case, did you see it coming before it happens? Or is it a total surprise to you?
I give up. Am crying uncle.
^^LOL, jym
FWIW, DD broke up with her bf of over 2 years just before Christmas the night after they came to our house for dinner and we exchanged presents with him. It was over 24 hours later and it came as a total shock to DH and I (although I’ll admit that I’m very happy the relationship is over). We never saw it coming but while I liked him well enough, I never thought he was right for her and am glad she came to the same conclusion although it made Christmas/New Years a bit more intense than usual until all the loose ends were tied up.
Personally, I really prefer to keep both my kids’ significant others at arms-length emotionally until such time that there’s a formal engagement. I will be nice to them and include them in some dinners and other family activities but have no interest in bringing them on any family vacations or getting involved with their families unless I’m sure they are keepers. I know that lots of other families treat their children’s bf/gfs as members of their own family and that’s fine with me if they want to do that but I just don’t want to develop an emotional relationship with them when there’s any possibility that it may end abruptly. I’ve had friends who’ve grieved the loss of these young people in their own lives and I guess I just don’t want to take these romances more seriously than the two people who are in them. It makes it much easier in the long run, IMO.
It really came as a total shock.
Thanks for sharing. And I totally agree that it is wise to keep kid’s SO at arms-length emotionally until such time that there’s formal engagement.
LOL, jym. He doesn’t think that highly of her parents so that’s rubbed off on me, I’m afraid. I feel a little like they’re ingratiating themselves to him because they know how much their dd wants this to work.
@Youdon’Tsay,
Forgive me for my being slow here. In your post 106, when you posted:
“He doesn’t think that highly of her parents…”
Do you refer to my case or some other case? If you did refer to my case, I know nothing about her parents so I could not say whether I think highly of their parents or not. Sure, her parents do not speak English but in my book, it won’t influence my judgment on persons who do not feel like learning English since they will never want to come to the US to live except for a short vacation – I heard they surely came back and forth frequently and she visited her parents VERY often too (my parents also never wanted to come here except for a short vacation, before they passed away.)
I think both DS and his GF as of Today likely try hard to make their relationship to work. That is the reason why she has tried to introduce DS to everyone in her immediate family some time ago. DS has tried the same. This is because family is important for both of them. They would likely have some hurdle to overcome but they seem to be optimistic about it despite of the potential challenge. At least it seems to be the case today.
Could you clarify please? Thanks!
YDS is responding to my comment in post # 97.Her post is not to you, mcat.
I agree with this. Fortunately, my son always kept the girlfriends from meeting us other than occasional dinners. But what do you do if your adult child lives with the BF or GF. Or if the BF/GF are at a distance from their family?
My daughter is living with her BF in another country (on a 1 year work visa which ends in April). She spent the holidays with his family and otherwise sees them a lot. But, she has made it clear she is leaving with her visa expires. It seems somewhat cruel to him and his family who have included her in their daily lives. I recently went to visit but made sure I only spent a couple of days in their city so as not to get attached (unfortunately, I met the brother, sister-in-law, nieces and nephews while there). Yes, I like him quite a bit, but I know the chances of a long term commitment are slim.
My nephew’s live-in girlfriends have been included in family get-togethers for years. In fact, many couples just aren’t getting married anymore.
I should have followed the " arm’s length " rule for our youngest. It’s hard when you see them so happy and how much someone seems to adore them , only to see them get hurt at a later time. Our oldest is what I would describe as very affectionate . She was with a few of her previous bf , it’s just her nature. Youngest was a bit too , which came to a surprise to us. Nothing that made you want to dump a bucket of cold water on them , but noticeable attentiveness. She tends to be a bit reserved normally. Seeing her with someone that made her so happy made it all that much more difficult to deal with her being heart broken
I figure that if former GF eventually gets to the point where she doesn’t want to see my posts she can simply unfollow me. It is in her hands.
Actually she did live with the BF, which made the breakup much more difficult and complicated. I always hated that they had signed a lease together but have totally refrained from any “I told you so” stuff. I think she’s learned the hard way to never put herself in that position again, so IMO the whole mess was a valuable education and I’m very pleased with the outcome.
My D1 has been dating the same guy since freshman year of college (7 years now) and they live together. Thst is a long time to keep someone at arm’s length. They live near his family and she is very close with them – it would be extremely hard on his parents if they broke up I think. I’m not as close to him, but that is mostly a distance thing. But it seems pretty clear they are headed for marriage eventually.
^^^ Seven years is a long time to keep someone at arm’s length and I’m glad I haven’t been in that situation. It may be generational but I always have a hard time understanding why a couple who have been together for a really long time, finished schooling, and are close to each other’s families don’t just go ahead and get engaged.
Again, I don’t want to take their relationship more seriously than they themselves do. If they won’t formally commit to one another, I just don’t want to count on the relationship being permanent.
Some people have seen my earlier posts about living together…I have told my kids not to move in with anyone unless they plan on getting married. I would hate to see them being stuck in a relationship because they couldn’t move out right away.
mcat, jym is correct. I was not referring to you or your post.
I sort of wonder sometimes if they are waiting until we are done paying for her younger sister’s college – she knows her dad and I want to help with their wedding, but also that we are still paying tuition. 
I think they will get married when they are ready to have kids. Both are fairly cautious people – but they are getting a joint pet next month (a small pet, not a cat or dog) together – baby steps! I have no problem with the way things are. They are clearly devoted to each other, and are both very kind and thoughtful people. They work together on decisions about careers, grad school, etc. Both have good jobs, and friends outside their relationship as well as joint friends. They are a very functional couple – a wedding would be a bonus, but things are fine right now.
oldfort- it’s nice your kids take your advice, unfortunately, mine are not so compliant 
My sister-in-law has been living with her SO for 32 years - they never had kids and never got married. It seems to work for them…
My FIL has only recently stopped asking them when they were “getting hitched.”