Sadness - don't understand...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m sooooo bewildered. Tomorrow night my daughter will walk across some stage, twice actually. She’ll graduate with a B.S., and a B.A. Debt free, with job offers AND grad school acceptances in hand. Every door is open. Every opportunity is hers for the taking. Best of all, she’s happy, healthy, and has wonderful friends, and incredible connections. </p>

<p>I have worked 20 years for this moment. Starting way back at kindergarten, I worked three jobs, horrible hours, seven days a week, to pay tuition at the best possible school I could find, and even did without a car and a telephone and a few very difficult times even enough food in those early years. Worked all through her high school years - not only paying the tuition but all of the other millions of things that go into the support of a child. </p>

<p>Through it all, I took nothing for myself. Not even a sick day, or a vacation day. All these years to make sure to reach this point, never allowing anything to compromise this critically important, can’t miss goal. It was imperative to reach this moment, and we have, or, rather, she has. </p>

<p>It’s over. We won. I should be ecstatically happy, bouncing off the walls with shear joy. But instead, for some reason, I am feel so deeply sad. I don’t understand that. I NEVER get sad. And there is absolutely no logical reason for it. I need to get past this - I want to enjoy this, not be sad.</p>

<p>What’s wrong with me??? More importantly, how to shake this illogical reaction…</p>

2

<p>Feelings aren’t logical. Otherwise we’d be more attuned to Mr. Spock than Dr. Phil or whoever. </p>

<p>But “ends of chapters,” often mistaken for “ends of books,” often provoke feelings of sadness, the experience of a kind of “micro death,” especially if the goal has been so central in defining one’s existence.</p>

<p>That said, aw…there there, LTS. (TheMom has said that too often I try to either fix things or explain things instead of just saying, “aw, there there” and accuses me of being male. A good thing, sez me.) You may find that you’re smiling and crying at the same time…it’s okay. </p>

<p>You may need a few weeks or even months for new definitions of your life to take root and begin to bloom. It’s a process, not an on-off switch.</p>

3

<p>maybe because its over- the struggle to get there was all consuming- now what? she is leaving to pursue her own goals. You will eventually feel proud of her and yourself for giving her this gift. Now spend some time deciding what YOU want out of life and make it happen for yourself. You need to redefine new goals and pursue them with the same vigor. It may take time, but allow yourself to let her go, be happy for her and your success, and find out what else in life makes you happy. Congratulations for a parenting job well done.</p>

4

<p>logic doesn’t have a lot to do with feelings-
You are experiencing great change and loss-
youve worked yourself right out of a job!
Take some time to wallow in your feelings- ending with perhaps a ceremony acknowledging this new stage of both your lives.
I find that writing a journal to let all those thoughts out helps- then pack it away to be looked at in a few years not next week.
<a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12778684/site/newsweek/[/url]”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12778684/site/newsweek/&lt;/a&gt;
perhaps it will help to know you aren’t the only one!</p>

5

<p>LTS–Congratulations for such spectacular success raising such a wonderful, successful daughter, with so much sacrfice on your part. You must be just bursting with pride.</p>

<p>AT the same time, I think you summed up the answer to your puzzlement in two words: “It’s over.” </p>

<p>As you say, this has been the focus of your life for 20 years. I think we all can identify with that. Life for you and your D will continue to have great things going on, but it feels now like it will be different, and that’s a little scary, and can make us a little sad.</p>

<p>We love to see our offspring soar, but at the same time, they’re soaring away from us. The relationships change,but they can still be wonderful. It’s been 3 years since my D graduated–she’s working a job she loves, in a wonderful relationship, and yet we still get to be good friends–knowing her as an adult has been tremendously rewarding to me.</p>

<p>Because I have another, not yet launched, my first graduation was somewhat mitigated–Kid 2 hadn’t even started college at the time. For you, her being first and last must make it feel much more sudden.</p>

<p>So, know that one stage is over, but there are lots of good new paths in life to start for you, for yourself. (forgive me if I sound a little Hallmark card-ish).</p>

<p>I have no doubt you and your D will continue to forge two happy, fullfilling lives, while continuing to enjoy the great relationship you share.</p>

<p>Hats off to both of you!</p>

6

<p>You are sad because your “job”, the one you dedicated the better part of your life for, is over. </p>

<p>The sadness is somewhat chemical, your brain chemistries are to blame. You don’t want to feel sad. But you do. </p>

<p>IT IS SO NORMAL.</p>

<p>What is hard is that you can’t just shake it. It will take some time and adjustment. You do need to find something else to focus your mind on. The brain need a new goal, a tough “we can do this but it will be hard goal.” Or now an “I” can do this… That will recharge your seratonin and norepinephrine and dopamine stores. You need to work hard for a new goal. Maybe for yourself–like a trip around the word! </p>

<p>You may have a personality that needs to have a long term goal. Refocus. WOrk hard for a trip, a second home, a way to retire in style.</p>

<p>Redo your living room, the whole house. You need a really big task to take on.</p>

7

<p>This is another aspect of the empty nest syndrome that so many of us go through at different stages during our children’s lives (going to college, moving out, getting married), especially when we have put a lot of energy into parenting, or made emotional and physical sacrifices for our kids. And especially given the nuclear family system in our society where the parenting is not shared so extensively as it is in extended families. </p>

<p>In a sense our job as a parent (as it has been defined up until now) IS over, but just as you learned when your d went off to college, you can create a new “definition” of your role as parent at these times of change. You clearly have a great relationship with your d, and that relationship will never change. Once you get through the initial -and very normal - feelings of emotional loss for a mother/daughter relationship that seems to no longer exist, you WILL once again rediscover that it never went away, it has just evolved to something new which can be just as rewarding. Yes, it may mean less physical or day-to-day involvement in your d’s life and you so you do need to fill your own life with additional activities that will continue to provide you with the physical and emotional rewards you need in your own life. Try to enjoy this new phase in both your lives for what it can become, rather than regret what it no longer is…</p>

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<p>Latetoschool, Your feelings are natural, and I feel for you. The others have explained the source of your sadness better than I could. I agree with them that it is time for you to establish a new goal. Unless I am mistaken, you have posted eloquently about your longing for a college education. If not now, when?</p>

<p>Expect to shed some tears tomorrow, but take pride in the magnificent job you’ve done. You and your daughter will move on to a new phase in your relationship. Maybe it’s time for her to give you some emotional support as you work toward your next goal?</p>

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<p>Well, there is your next big, long term goal. Your brain needs a goal just like this.</p>

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<p>Well, shucks, I’d missed that. Sure thing, LTS: if you’ve always wanted a college education for yourself, now’s the time. </p>

<p>I don’t ordinarily hold with the advice columns in the newspapers but one “Dear Abby” is memorable. It went something like:</p>

<p>Dear Abby: I never got my college degree and now it’s possible that I could start going back to school part time but it would take six years and by that time I’d be 40. What do you think? Dubious.</p>

<p>Dear Dubious: How old will you be in six years if you don’t go back to college? Abby.</p>

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<p>LTS…take a moment for yourself. Fill the tub, light some candles,put on some music and have a good long cry. Let all those tears of past worries and sacrifices flow out of you until there is not a tear left to fall. You did it. You have not only raised a wonderful daughter you have also created a wonderful garden in which your relationship has grown and evolved by your tending it every day for the last 20 years. You did it. Against all odds, you did it. Congratulations.</p>

<p>Your daughter will always need you. Always. And as she grows older she will realize how very lucky and fortunate she was and is to have such a great mom. And she will raise her children as she was raised. And she will need you again and again as she deals with the transitions in her lifetime. And you will be her model of how hard work and sacrifice can get her through, no matter how difficult the task at hand seems. Congratulations.</p>

<p>now if only we could bottle that:)</p>

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<p>You are not alone - “When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.”</p>

<p>Congratulations on a job well done! Take a deep breath and consider the next world that you would like to conquer.</p>

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<p>A chapter may be over but there are always sequels. Will your D go to grad school and if so, what will those experiences for he be like? Will your D enter the working world and how will that be for her? Will there be marriage for her in a few years and perhaps grandkids coming along? All of these are the sequels that you can take some part in even if it’s sometimes somewhat vicariously. You’re probably just in a lull between the end of the first book and the start of the next one.</p>

<p>You have a lot to be proud of and I believe will continue to in the next sequel.</p>

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<p>latetoschool- you were supposed to add your name to the “College grad 2007” thread that I started, and proudly brag of your final launching!
It’s ok to be sad - it’s a bittersweet feeling for me, too. But seriously, do you really think you’re done? Ha! I sincerely doubt that!<br>
There will be more. More moves and apartments to furnish, boyfriends to meet, perhaps a wedding to plan. Down the road, possible grandkids. Nope, you’re not finished with this kid yet - not by a long shot.</p>

<p>Feel better now? :slight_smile: good.
Now, get thyself over to the “College Grad '07” thread and
join in the congratualtions! (Parent’s forum)</p>

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<p>Wow, I appreciate all the wisdom on this thread. My baby is graduating HS, not college, but I can so relate! She’s going far away. If one more person asks me what I’m going to do with myself, I’m going to scream. I don’t know! I’ll think of something! I’m not there yet! Meanwhile, I’m feeling a bit adrift.</p>

<p>Ahem.</p>

<p>Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you, LTS, on a job well done. Take a moment to bask. You deserve it.</p>

<p>And TheDad - that is one of my favorite Dear Abby columns. I think the writer was considering med school, If I remember correctly. The answer was brilliant.</p>

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<p>ohmygosh it just occurred to me, prety soon we’re gonna need a College GRAND-parents forum!!! :)</p>

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<p>LTS, you’ve been given tremendously good advice by the oracles of CC (such wisdom is one of the reasons I keep coming here :)). Few people can match the level of commitment and sacrifice you demonstrated in giving your child every advantage to succeed as wonderfully as she has, but some of us come close ;). </p>

<p>When I read your post, I couldn’t help but think about the parents of the students killed at Virginia Tech.<br>
I can’t imagine the devastation these parents must be feeling. After having made their child’s success and happiness the driving focus of their lives—to have them stolen away so suddenly, so senselessly, so brutally…Now there’s a reason for unspeakable sadness. Yours is a reason to celebrate with bells on ( I know you know this, as you’ve already admitted your dismay at your sadness). Really, I do understand—at least I think I do (my D graduates this time next year, and I’ve already begun to give myself a stern talking-to). If looking forward to the many future celebrations and milestones you’ll be sharing with your D doesn’t cheer you up, think of the VT parents who worked so hard, only to end up with nothing at all.</p>

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<p>My dear friend~</p>

<p>To you I offer the {{{{{gentlest of hugs}}}}}}}, the most heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS!!!, and the utmost respect and admiration! You DID it, and honey, you did it in STYLE!</p>

<p>Anyone who has worked tirelessly for <em>any</em> kind of goal can tell you that there is nearly ALWAYS a “let down” of sorts when that long-awaited goal is met. I remember this especially well as a young athlete. After awhile, I quit wondering about the WHY of it, accepted it, and worked through my feelings. And that is, I expect, exactly what you will do as well.</p>

<p>To say that you have overcome great odds in this remarkable accomplishment–raising a beautiful daughter and providing for her every need plus a top-notch education–is the most vast of understatements. Few on this forum, including myself, could have accomplished anything this noteworthy. You…and your daughter…are really quite amazing people.</p>

<p>I tend to be one who has trouble with transitions, and even more specifically, with the contemplation of those transitions. It is something that many people experience. It is NOT uncommon to feel conflicting emotions…poignance with the elation, trepidation with the joy. Human beings are extremely complex individuals who, when all is said and done, cannot be reduced to numbers or letters or a certain chemical composition. To ignore the emotion around all aspects of the college experience, from applying to graduation, is to give it terribly short shrift.</p>

<p>Since you are not someone who typically feels sad, I suspect that these emotions will soon give way to the overwhelming senses of pride, accomplishment, and pure joy. Both you and your precious daughter have achieved so incredibly much–and with the odds stacked against you.</p>

<p>I have so much admiration for you and such thrill for both your D and you at this, one of the most momentous events of your lives. REVEL IN IT, sweetie. YOU <em>SO</em> DESERVE THIS…and much, much more in your future!</p>

<p>Again, CONGRATS on having a COLLEGE GRAD!!!</p>

<p>With much love and admiration, ~berurah</p>

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<p>Your sad because (at least from what you have written) your entire life (or the past 24 years or so of it) has revolved around your child. </p>

<p>It’s time for your life to revolve around you. That might mean taking some classes, getting a new job, starting a business, joining some clubs, volunteering, whatever, but the first step is to take some time to find out what you are interested in doing next. This might take awhile and it also might seem a little scary at first, but really - it’s exciting - you have the whole rest of your life in front of you; go for it.</p>

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<p>LTS: Note all the above fantastic support from your fellow CCers.</p>

<p>Then, lemme repeat (with a little editing) a post I gave another CCer a little while back who was facing a similar situation with high school graduation:</p>

<p>My prescription: sit down in a comfortable chair or sofa, accompanied by your D (on the same or another piece of furniture), with each of you having a beverage of choice (I like aged slivovitz or port, myself, but your favorite - same or different for both of you - should be used) [a fireplace could also be nice], look lovingly and satisfiedly at each other, raise your glasses and say (with tribute to Berurah): </p>

<p>“CHEERS!!!. WE MADE IT!!!”</p>

<p>then sit back and ruminate about what you will be doing next. But don’t take TOO much time at it because, before you expect it, will come the first phone call that starts with “Mom - I need to ask you about something” and you’re back in business as a parent.</p>