<p>I wrote a “thank you” to everyone on the Parents board who, in the midst of the thread whose title began “Subtext…” expressed care and concern about my elderly widowed mother who fell, had surgery, had a bad time on the painkillers, and is now in temporary rehab.</p>
<p>There, I wrote: “Well, some of us are really feeling the pressure of being the “sandwich” generation. I am facing sending the last child out of the nest and perhaps having then to bring in my elderly mother…Don’t get me wrong - I love her dearly and would do anything for her. But I am just being honest: this is really, really hard. My wife and I have spent the last almost 30 years with children in the house (wide range of ages - youngest is 17, oldest is 29) and we both thought we had a whole new world of travel, rediscovering ourselves and each others, etc. in front of us…”</p>
<p>My first concern, of course, is my mother’s care and comfort. But I am the only sibling who can really do anything (long story, I’ll skip it). So in the midst of college thoughts, work, etc., and I am now facing medical decisions of all sorts; dealing with hospital billing offices; fielding dozens of phone calls a day (relatives, doctors, Medicare, private insurance, hospital social workers) with no end in sight. She’d been independent up til the fall, but she really can’t go back to her own place. So I assume she’s coming here…which means getting at least some in-home aid…</p>
<p>Whew…for a laugh I read the California Dreaming thread on applying to Parties…and I begin to imagine receiving college-like glossy brochures from nursing homes, going on nursing home visits, wondering merit aid for elderly care, etc! Gotta laugh; what else can you do?</p>
<p>My widowed m-i-l is in her 80s but still lives on her own. Her health has been declining, so we will probably be facing the decision you need to make soon.</p>
<p>Years ago, an acquaintance of mine built a whole addition to his house so that it could accommodate his mother; it was wheelchair-friendly throughout and only one floor. Eventually, however, his mother had to go into an assisted living community; fortunately, it was quite close, so the family could drop by almost every day. </p>
<p>I hope that you can find some way of caring for your mother and still enjoy the empty nest.</p>
<p>My parents are in their mid-nineties and still living on their own. After my son finds a college this spring and we check out the expenses; I will be moving back to the US to try and help them out. They are patiently waiting. One thing at a time, I say.</p>
<p>Does anyone have any experience with knee replacement surgery? My mother has been talking about having it, but I am concerned about recovery time. She lives alone, about an hour and a half from me, so I need to get an idea of how much care she will need.</p>
<p>And my father lives several states away - heaven help me if his health requires assistance.</p>
<p>Fireflyscout, my mother’s 87 and lives a 3 hour plane ride away…There’s been talk about knee replacement surgery on and off for 5 years…she’d put it off, and her GP said, “don’t wait too long because then its too late…do it while you’re still able to somewhat get around”…well, that’s exactly what happenned. She missed the window and is now too frail to undergo that type of surgery and rehab…(which I hear is pretty intense)…They say going into a rehab place after the surgery is the best way to get through it…good luck with this…I"m on my way to NJ Friday to have a pow-wow with siblings regarding my mother…round the clock practical nurse in home isn’t practical anymore and none of us live nearby…as my husband would say, “it is what it is”…not easy, that’s for sure!..ps…from what I understand the “good” orthopedic md’s have very long waitlists for knee replacements so try to at least get on the list…</p>
<p>All of us lucky enough to have surviving parents are likely to have some version of this problem eventually. It’s a tough one, but there are excellent resources out there to prolong senior independence, and I encourage everyone in this situation to investigate them thoroughly.</p>
<p>I work with independent seniors every day, and occasionally our office assists them in bridging from independent living to some form of assisted care. My first question to the concerned child would be, “Does your parent want to reside with you?” VERY often they don’t, and are willing to make compromises and financial sacrifices to keep that from happening. Nedad, it’s possible that some level of in-home care in your mother’s home, or moving to an enriched/assisted living environment, would meet your mom’s needs as well as living in your home might. In our community, there are organizations specifically dedicated to prolonging senior independence that provide an array of in-home services and assist in residential placement when that is the best option. I would contact your local senior center, county department on aging, and/or Catholic Charities/Jewish Family Services, etc., and see what choices are out there for your mom. Having a frail elderly parent move into your home IS sometimes the best solution, but all of us have seen situations in which no one, particularly the senior, is happy with that arrangement.</p>
<p>On the knee replacement surgery - it’s fairly common among our crowd, and the outcomes are generally excellent. Everyone I know of does a stint in rehab, usually 2-4 weeks; however, our population consists of active, independent seniors. Interestingly (and this is only an anecdotal observation), the men seem to have a shorter recovery time than the women, sometimes by a matter of weeks.</p>
<p>One good thing my parents did is sell the big house when they were still active and able to pack it up and move (late seventies). They bought a condo in a retirement community with lots of amenities including a daily golf cart drive to the gym that they can still do on their own. They still ride the stationary bikes and my dad lifts weights. They gave up driving around 5 years ago, age 90. They are surrounded by folks who keep an eye out for each other. Right now the thought of moving into an even greater assisted living set-up is unthinkable where they have cooked meals etc. THey said they should have moved again around 90. They do have dinners brought in most of the time and they prepare breakfast and lunch. My mom has always loved to cook so she might spend all day preparing a special meal. What else does she have to do? So far, so good.</p>
<p>I hear you
Overseas; your parents are an inspiration!
My 80 something mom is still in her own home and I am the only one of the kids going over there to help. Every week multiple errands and bags of groceries, but I don’t mind. This is my greatest fear- she is cooking. I want her to spend less time in the kitchen and use a microwave after she does her day’s cooking in the early am. She argues with me.I 'm arfraid she may pass out whild cooking.She no way would consider a nursing home. And after seeing how all your medical rights are surrendered there and seeing that the medical profession often hurts old folks with endless tests, loud staff, pokings, and just won’t let a dying person be- no way for me too. Well, good luck to you.</p>
<p>Our family has the same situation but with another generation thrown in the mix. My grandmother is 86 and resides in an assisted living facility within blocks of my folks in FL. She originally moved in with them and lived with them for ten years. This is while my parents were still working. After they retired they moved her to an assisted facility (she is on the independent side, she has her meals provided but she does everything else herself). She did NOT want to go at all. My gmom never learned to drive so she was dependent on my folks for all her transportation after my grandfather passed away 14 years ago. And my mom is an only child, so she felt the responsibility was her’s solely.</p>
<p>Now that I have 2 children in college and 3 in high school, we have been able to help out as they have gotten older. While my gmom lived with my folks I would spend the summers with her (we lived in another state) and took my kiddos with me (they were younger and thought it was an adventure!). That way my folks were able to travel and get some time to themselves. But 3 years ago when mine were all busy with summer stuff is when we couldn’t go anymore and she didn’t want to make the trip to us, my folks moved her to an assisted living facility. They are in their early 60’s and wanted to enjoy their retirement by traveling and leaving their local area for weeks at a time.</p>
<p>Grandma still isn’t happy, we drive down to see her often but it isn’t the same as spending whole summers with her. My mom deals with a lot of guilt but she said her sanity won out. She said she didn’t want to be chained to the house or a routine, her and my dad after both having extremely stressful careers wanted to have fun. They travel at least every other month, if not every and go wherever the wind takes them. They drove up here this week to just say hi to my kids and returned after a few days to take off for who knows where???</p>
<p>My mom does all the healthcare/insurance paperwork and has shown me how to do it, just in case I need to know.</p>
<p>I guess the point of my post is, I can’t imagine doing the high school/college thing with my kids AND doing the elderly care issue AT THE SAME TIME. I am only an ancillary participant in my gmom’s care and it was stressful to me. My best wishes and admiration goes out to those who are having to experience both simultaneously!!!</p>
<p>On knee sugery: I saw something on the news a few weeks ago about a new procedure which is claimed to drastically reduce pain and minimize recuperation time. They interviewed some of the patients that had undergone it and they said that they were literally on their feet several hours after the procedure. It all has to do with where they make the incision. The new procedure avoids tendons and ligaments.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, there may be a catch - not a medical one but a legal one. The doctor who devised the procedure is getting a patent on it so it may take some time for the legalities and royalties to be worked out. As I recall he was in the NYC area, perhaps in NJ. Those thinking about knee sugery for themselves or loved ones may want to explore this before going ahead.</p>
<p>Jane Brody at the New York Times wrote two good articles on her experiences with getting her knees replaced (and subsequent pain management) over the last few weeks. I don’t remember the dates but they were recent and they were on Tuesdays, because that’s when her columns appear. Unfortunately, with the Times’ policy of charging for articles, you may have to go to the library or actually pay to read them.</p>
<p>One of the only advantages of having had very old parents (my mother was 40 when I was born, my father 48) (who were smokers) has been that I’m not sandwiched. My father died when I was 23 (lung cancer) and my mother died (emphysema) almost three years ago. She managed to avoid any dependency (wildly important to her) by living in an assisted living community in Florida (for twelve years). She ended up being so angry with the management over the niggling little charges for everything that she started an “underground” newsletter denouncing management. I’d advise anyone looking at such places to ask questions about whether or not fees can change after entry, and under what circumstances. (For example, they added a extra charge (without warning) for the Alzheimer’s facility: $150 extra/month for incontinent patients. They also added a requirement that 14 meals (instead of 10) each week be eaten in their restaurant. These fees may seem trivial, but to those on fixed incomes, they can be devastating. And they started charging for the bus to the store!)</p>
<p>kat, I’m sorry your grandma isn’t happy where she’s at. Residences vary a lot in feel as well as in more definable qualities. My grandmother moved, at age 90, into the enriched living residence where she is today, at almost 93. The only thing she doesn’t like is the food (a noon dinner is provided each day, and residents do their own food preparation at other times). I have learned (and re-learned and re-learned) that food is a major issue for seniors, and it’s impossible to please all of them, even when most folks would agree that a particular meal is quite good. </p>
<p>Many seniors feel isolated and lonely when living with their children, esp. if they’re dependent on them for transportation. Most seniors want to be with peers for at least part of each day, and it’s a strain for employed people to get a parent back and forth to social activities, which often conflict with work schedules. Senior residences provide lots of opportunities for social contact (in some cases, more than a senior may want).</p>
<p>nedad - We are right there with you. MIL is 86 and cannot live alone any more, but doesn’t accept that. My own parents died young, which is its own trauma, but watching DH, her oldest, negotiate this process with 3 sibs… </p>
<p>The laugh you were having about receiving glossy brochures is somewhat true. I did some of the initial scouting and we do, in fact, receive newsletters etc. from some of the places.</p>
<p>One consideration our family is taking re moving in with child vs. assisted living/continuing care community: MIL definitely wants to move in with her D and does not want any kind of “home” as she calls them, but she is operating on a stereotype in her mind which bears no relationship to what some of these communities are like. MIL has always been v social and a “joiner” and in the months she has been living with D, she has lapsed into being a loner. D works, MIL can’t/shouldn’t drive, so her days are spent with TV, crossword puzzles, some needlework but very much alone except when one of us visits or creates an “outing” for her. H is spending the first part of March flying out to AZ where his mom currently is to squire her around to a few places. We all think that, if she can get over her preconception that she would be “put out to pasture,” she would thrive even better in a quality facility than with family. There she would have many peers to form a social group; tons of activities of the type she has always liked, etc.</p>
<p>Each case is so different, of course, but just a thought.</p>
<p>Frazzled1-
It isn’t so much that she isn’t ahppy where she’s at, its that she is there at all. My mom and I researched and visited numerous facilities BEFORE my folks bought their new home in FL, so has to buy something close to where my gmom would be at. And she is at a very nice place, with lots of activities and social opportunities. She has all her own bedroom and sitting room furniture and a very nice kitchette area and a huge bathroom. She eats all 3 meals in their dining room, all food is covered in the cost of the monthly fee. She orders off the menu and they fix her tea just the way she likes it.</p>
<p>She just misses having my children which when we lived closer saw her almost daily. (we moved from Vegas about 1.5 years ago, my family moved to NC and my folks and gmom moved to FL). Since I have 5 who would take turns spending days and evenings with her she has missed them tremendously. One would spend all day Saturday and then another Sunday with her, and I would visit weekly and have another kiddo in tow after school who would remain with her throughout dinner and then stay and finish homework afterwords. Not many days went by without someone being with her. My folks had their freedom to travel and gmom still had family everyday, and she could still “help” them with homework, school problems and be there to listen and not be a “parent”.</p>
<p>We came to NC for the colleges/universities and my folks didn’t due to weather (too cold) and closer proximity for them to beaches, and friends. Now that 2 are in college (1 junior, 1 freshman) they didn’t have the time to spend nor did they remain in state. DD#2 is a high school senior and she too will be leaving the area. I moved here so they COULD go to school in NC (in-state) and only 1 plans on staying. GREAT. I COULD have gone to FL and the result would have been the same!!! I swear I am gonna have fit if another one doesn’t at least APPLY to a NC school. Neither the college freshman nor the high school senior EVEN applied to a NC school.</p>
<p>I know my gmom is unhappy because she misses the kids and all their activities, she loved going to football games and swim meets and all their award ceremonies. I think she could be anywhere and treated like royalty and she would be unhappy.</p>
<p>And yes, to echo an above poster, after touring and researching many facilities they can vary significantly. My mom would have me go, unannounced, to check things out and watch and be basically nosey. I like where gmom is at, but I don’t have to live there either.</p>
<p>I have told the kids though, if they all end up NOT in NC (and I will know in 3 yrs. since youngest is a freshman) then I will move by gmom. And if the younger ones start rumbling about leaving, then I might go sooner!!</p>
<p>my husbands parents still live in their home that they raised the kids in. I haven’t seen them for years, my husband sees them once or twice a year, but I assume that they are healthy and they have regular contact with their daughters.</p>
<p>My mother sold the family home about 7 years ago and bought a condo in the suburb where my sister lives, obstensibly so they could “help” her, but she does more helping on her end as she regulary picks the younger ones up from school every wednesday ( they have early dismissal) and the kids are dropped off at her condo quite a bit once the pool is open
( My dad has been deceased for 30 years- he had one 1/2 sister who recently retired to the area, from Pathankot, but other than that no other relatives)
My biggest problem with my mom isn’t her care, but worrying about her because she is so impulsive.
She spends more than she needs IMO ( she lives on about $45,000- we live on not much more and we are 4 people!) bought a condo that put her into debt because she sold her expansive 5 bedroom house on a whim for nothing and then bought a condo that she had to take a big loan on. She quit her job when her mother died about 12 years ago( she was 55) andhas been living off her parents accumulated savings ever since. ( which was quite a bit)
She has a new boyfriend ( whom I haven’t met) and she is talking about selling her condo and moving in with him.
I am much more worried about if we will able to retire in anything besides a cardboard box frankly than I do about her finances. She has never taken any advice from me, and relies on my brother to recommend investments and handle her taxes.
She recently had knee surgery and while I don’t see a big change in her abilty to get a around, she did get a little dog that she now has to take for walks so I think that is a good thing :)</p>
<p>nedad…a good book on the joys and sacrifices of caring for an elderly parent is No More Words, by Reeve Lindbergh (about caring for her mom, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, in her last years). I thought, having had the experience of a severely, severely disabled mom for many years (due to a stroke at the relatively young age of 74), that it would be too painful to read–but it wasn’t. It was a really inspiring and comforting book. I recommend it (and it is an easy read). </p>
<p>My dad is also still living on his own, several hours away from us. He is so cool–still working and busy and sharp-witted, despite even a broken hip this time last year. I do anticipate that there may come a time when he needs to be with us, and I am grateful that we have a “guest suite” (son-away-at-college’s room, occupied only a couple of months out of the year by him) all fixed up in case there is a need for emergency stay.</p>
<p>I agree with Overseas that often parents do not want to live with their children. Put yourself in your parent’s place and think what it would feel like to live in your child’s home. Some people would like it, some would hate the feeling of dependence and regression. I don’t know if my dad will ever think of living with us, but if so, I know I would do the best I could to accommodate him. But he would probably resist the idea of “being put out to pasture” (his words on the subject so far!)</p>
<p>Jmmom, that is so interesting - my Mom is just the opposite, NOT a joiner, never was, never will be. She is 73, and in fairly good health, although one of her dearest friends died at Christmas, and that has been hard. She is adamant about an assisted living facility if that is necessary no way she wants to come to us, but I have the opposite worry - she is so private, and quiet, they will drive her nuts!</p>
<p>I read an article in the December issue of Money Magazine that was quite sobering about one family’s experience being a member of the Sandwich Generation. </p>
<p>The husband’s parents had carefully saved $$ throughout their lives and amassed (for them) a significant amount ($200K +). But assisted living for mom would cost $80K per year!</p>
<p>cangel - here we are at opposite ends of the “worry” spectrum re parents(lonely joiner vs. privacy-invaded-loner) and yet we completely understand where each other is coming from. I love this Board!</p>
<p>ellemenope - yes, the $$ issues are a whole nother side of it. DH is Executor/Trustee and there appears to be ample $$ for MIL. BUT, there appear to be dramatic cost differences in asstd living in the two areas we are considering. Maine, where 2 of her kids are, appears to be twice the cost of Arizona, where one D is; this is what we think, H will be getting better info as he visits Az next week. </p>
<p>Then, in our case, we have MIL “promising” one child the house (which she can’t actually do as DH is Trustee)… and other sibs reacting badly to that… and the house is part of the assets which may need to be drawn on as years go by… and DH as oldest/Trustee having to weigh and balance all these factors while trying to ensure that MIL’s assets live as long as she does if at all possible.</p>
