DD/SIL returned from delayed honeymoon and just Skyped us last night that DD is pregnant. Big news for us to absorb. We had hoped they would wait 3 years, and advised them of such - but they had their own ideas. First of our two to be married. We just ‘recovered’ from the very nice wedding in July. SIL is younger of two, and his brother is married with one child – his parents were encouraging seeing a grandchild right away from this wedding (his dad mentioned it in a toast at wedding rehearsal dinner). Knew we had some to little chance of talking DD/SIL on being a couple for a while and waiting for a while before becoming parents…
88 YO grandparents (H’s parents, who live many states away) are not in good health - can’t afford assisted living but do not want skilled care/nursing home. My parents are deceased.
Our retirement is 4 years away.
We have 8 months to get use to the idea of being grandparents. And of course dealing from afar with declining health of the grandparents/soon to be great-grandparents.
I think you don’t need to spend too much of your time worrying about this. It’s hard to control, of course, but your top priority is to care for yourself, your husband, to deal with your own issues. They chose to have a quick pregnancy, that’s their road to follow, not your responsibility. You can be a cheerleader and loving grandparent without taking on their financial or childcare issues. This will hopefully be a joy, not an added stress to your life. Their choice, their responsibility.
Agree 100% with you @busdriver11 - am prompting the couple to make some ‘adult’ decisions - getting their term life insurance, getting their wedding gift thank you notes out…they also need to line up having wills. They have 8 months to get things in order.
Can’t control situation with H’s sick/elderly parents either. Hope to have some resource suggestions with our visit, and all the offspring probably will need to help chip in $$ for in-home care.
When we had our children I don’t remember actually needing help from the grandparents. In your case apparently there are grandparents on both sides in the case that some help is useful to the new parents. Don’t worry about this. Your DD and SIL should be fine.
Your H’s parents are likely to be thrilled to be able to have a great-grandchild while they are still around. Definitely send them photos!
I know DD won’t ‘expect’ help from us 100 miles away, but this next generation sometimes has goofy ideas @DadTwoGirls - for example my nephew, on announcing the pg to my sister, asked her in the same conversation “so when are you going to retire (from her school librarian job) to help us with the baby?” Nephew and his W now have 3 children, ages 2, 4, 6. Sister had to gently spell out what help they would/could give. Sister just retired at end of 2017 school year. They live an hour away; they do occasionally one day baby sitting; upcoming they will have the grandkids for a weekend so the parents can attend a wedding w/o kids.
SIL is very close to his family, and as excited/encouraging as they are about having DD/their son have a baby right away, I imagine they will do a lot with them.
My job includes weekends.
We lived away from both sets of parents. My parents actually pushed us hard to buy a new 4 door car. We wanted to save up to buy paying cash. We ended up making a bad financial move and borrowed money from our 401(k) to buy the car and get my parents quiet. Had to pay ourselves back the principle and the interest rate (8.5%) that 401k had set.
I’m not sure what your concerns are for you daughter/SIL and the pregnancy. Do you think they are unable to make reasonably responsible decisions? They may have expectations about how you will be involved in the child’s life but you also have a say in this. I had a discussion with my kids about how involved I would be with my granddaughter. It made things much easier for everyone since we had hammered things out well in advance. It was a pleasant conversation, and not a difficult one.
My H is 10 years older than his youngest brother, and the youngest brother was still in HS when I became pregnant with twins. MIL and FIL visited a couple of times a year and were very helpful while they were visiting and very thrilled with the grandbabies. That was all. MIL wasn’t working but FIL hadn’t retired yet.
I would have loved to have grandparents nearby for more regular visits and babysitting but they were all very far. 100 miles is too far for you do see your DD and her baby on a regular basis. Speak with them as @bookreader said and enjoy the baby when it arrives.
Congratulations on your first grandchild!
I think as people nowadays are expected to work later and later, this is going to become the new norm.
My H was divorced and had 3 kids before we met. Our son was an uncle when he was 3 years old!
We have 6 grandkids and our son just left for college.
We lost both of my husband’s parents, but mine are still doing well, thankfully.
We fully intend on working until we’re 70.
There is bound to be overlap in most people’s lives I think.
I think OP just wanted a breather from change. There’s been lots of activity and now the parents are ill. There’s nothing wrong with just wanting the status quo for ourselves once in awhile, she just venting, and I understand where’s she’s coming from. OP…just take a deep breath. You’ll have time in the next few months to catch your breath. I agree that waiting a few years would have been nice, but don’t tell them that anymore, if you already had. And congrats!
Congrats! You have a while to adjust to these new changes in your life. I’m expecting first grandchild in less than 2 months. S and DIL live 3000 miles away, so the amount of help they’ll receive from their parents is limited. I also have a 95 yo mother who’s in a local nursing home, so I understand the feeling of being squeezed. There is no ideal time for life changes to happen. Your D and SIL are adults - they should be able to handle this, even if you don’t think they’re quite ready.
That’s a lot to deal with, OP. I agree with the poster above that there is no ideal time for life changes.
My wish for you is that your husband’s parents want to and are able to meet their great-grandchild. My former in-laws are both 91 and have one great-grandchild who they will probably never meet. At this point, all the grandchildren are probably something between uninterested in and afraid of their grandfather; their grandmother is deep into Alzheimer’s disease, so not easy to visit with.
I recommended my younger sister wait at least a year; she and her DH waited approximately four months. I see the baby as the easier situation, since the parents will handle most of the change and you get to plan a visit to assist with the newborn. Surely no one expects your to leave your job before you are ready.
Elderly parents in poor health is a huge issue and planning can only go so far. We hired a wonderful home health aide to assist with MIL during the day, since DH and I are working and not near retirement. The majority of the cost was covered by insurance. Unfortunately, our senior citizen’s heath has deteriorated quickly to ICU and all the tough decisions there.
You need to worry first about your financial matters and prepare for your retirement. I am sure you had plans for your future after retirement. You just helped with wedding expenditures and now you have your elderly in laws that need help. You may want to consider being open with your daughter. They decided on their own to get married young and have a child immediately so they need to be taking on this responsibility as adults. I can understand being young and newlywed. It is very exciting and on top of that expecting a baby but along with that comes a lot of adult decisions and responsibilities that they need to be prepared for.
You’ve already purchased a car against your 401K. Your first priority should be your wellbeing and your financial future. Don’t put yourself in jeopardy trying to help your inlaws and children. It’s great you are working today but we don’t know what the future holds
Congratulations on your daughters wedding and her pregnancy. Life moves forward fast. It is always one thing after another to deal with. Try not to get overwhelmed.
Could be completely off base but it sounds like you are sandwiched between 2 generations expecting things from you. That can create anxiety (and work!). With your daughter, do you have concerns that - if you don’t help as much - the other side will swoop in and be the main GPs on the scene?
Now is a good time to talk with your husband about boundaries and what it means to you both. Nobody else needs to worry about it or know your thoughts. There is nothing wrong with talking and thinking this through with a neutral party (each other, or a counselor). That could save grief with family whom you love. You do have a right to your own life too. How you achieve that is up to you and H.
Wishing you the best and congrats!!! Truly it is wonderful news.
My husband and I married fairly young and waited five years before having a baby. It was the first grandchild and my MIL was uncomfortable with the whole idea. She wasn’t ready. There are reasons why you wanted your daughter and SIL to hold off for a couple of years but this is happening. One thing I will always remember (and have never quite forgiven) is my MIL’s lack of enthusiasm when we told her we were expecting. It tainted my view of her for a long, long time. I don’t want that for you so please try to love the idea for their sake. If you can’t quite get there, fake it.
Also, I am sending you cyber hugs regarding your declining in-laws. It is stressful and draining. I went through this with my mom a few years ago and more recently with my childless uncle. One thing you can do long distance is check what senior services are available at the state and county level. My mother was impossible but my uncle was very receptive to having people check on him - something offered at the county level where he lived. There were also organizations that delivered meals. If your in-laws belong to a church there can be committees that organize people to help with driving to doctor appointments, yard work and just keeping an eye on their senior members. I found the hard part was getting them to accept help. They can see it as a loss of control rather than something that allows them to stay in their home for as long as possible.
All advice to DD/SIL stopped before they married, other than reminding them about the term life insurance - which they know is a good idea, it just wasn’t a priority yet. It is now. Haven’t mentioned about their wills, but a simple will for both of them is very inexpensive (H and I had it done when we were expecting our first).
Smiling and nodding.
Now just thinking about boy or girl…
I am looking into resources at the two places MIL/FIL are. H needs to take the helm with discussing with his siblings when we are there next week, and any phone conversations. Since I am in the health care industry (as is his one brother) we can help others understand a bit more.
I guess I shouldn’t be concerned being a grandma at 61. Not a spring chicken. H and I are just calm about things.
Having our two children was one of our top achievements, so we are supportive of their wish to be parents now. They will figure things out.
One thing about term insurance - H and I got affordable policies when we were young. I wish we had chosen plans that ended in our early 60s rather than our early 50s. It seemed fine at the time, the kids would be “launched” and the loss of income by one parent wouldn’t be catastrophic, etc., but it would be nice to have that extra cushion in case one of us died at this age. It’s SO much easier and cheaper to get insurance when you’re young!
I remember my mother being very upset at the news she was going to become a grandmother at 42. She had eloped during WWII and had her first at 20. The new parents were recent college grads with good jobs, but my mother was certain they’d expect a lot financial help and baby care; they did not. When we had our first 15 years later, I made sure to manage expectations. Even though we lived nearby, we saw little of my parents.
Dh has life insurance through work (as I did when employed), plus we had our own small policies. We dropped my insurance once our kids were launched and dropped his extra coverage when he turned 55. When we were young we found great policies through professional associations; AICPA was one. Maybe there are similar group policies available for your DD/SIL.
There’s no good time to deal with aging parents’ needs and I wish you luck. We had about a 20 year span of coping with Alzheimer’s, other forms of dementia, various health concerns and the need for nursing care, then the death of all four parents. I hope we spare our own kids much of that.
I recommended my younger sister wait at least a year; she and her DH waited approximately four months. I see the baby as the easier situation, since the parents will handle most of the change and you get to plan a visit to assist with the newborn. Surely no one expects your to leave your job before you are ready.