We have 30 year term policies, and that is what the kids are planning to buy.
H and I are much healthier than our parents were, and of course now there are better drugs and treatments. Dementia is the one part of aging that still doesn’t have much to prevent/treat.
H and I benefited from our time married before kids. However DD/SIL are jumping into this with glad hearts. I know they talked about having a child right away for months before their wedding. I think this also will bring him even closer to his brother/SIL and their child (who is son-in-laws’ God-dau) - even though they are separated by several states.
Second or third getting term insurance through age 60. For some reason??? we got term insurance that expired when we were 48!!! Yikes! It must have been a 20 year policy. Had to go get another policy at 48 which was super expensive! Live and learn…
My mother, grandmother and both of my sisters became grandmothers in their 40s (2 at 44, one at 47, one at 48). I would be shocked if I’m a grandmother before 60.
We were married at 22 but waited seven years before kids (including time in infertility treatment). Other contemporaries married at 28-39 and had kids immediately.
If your D and SIL were talking about before the marriage about having kids early on, they are far more prepared than if it were a “surprise.” They’ll figure it out, just as we all did (with or without parental help).
The term life insurance my H had expired when he was 57. To renew that policy, it would have been almost 8000 a year (more than ten times what it had been.) That’s a big nope! We decided to wing it–kids are grown and we do have work policies.
One advantage to a longer term policy is if one has kids who won’t launch on schedule and will continue to need financial help.
My mother used to say, wait for marriage, experience life first, wait for kids, same reason. A young friend of mine pointed out there are couples who marry/have kids early and are fiiine. And those who wait and aren’t.
SOS, I think your D will work all this out. Congrats. And tell her to keep her certifications up, if she takes a break.
@SOSConcern, your daughter and her husband had a religious wedding ceremony, right?
Is theirs a religion that prohibits birth control? If it is, I think it’s important to be especially careful not to show disapproval of an early pregnancy because that would mean disapproving of them following the rules of their religion.
@Marian When they decide to have kids and what their religious belief’s are is their private matter. They are grownup adults now. OP only mentioned being worried about managing her inlaws and children’s expectations of help they maybe asked to provide in the future. OP has already stated she is supportive of their wish to become parents.
I had a baby 10 months after I got married. I was 24 when I got married and planned to wait 3-5 years. Oh well! I don’t think I was a burden on anyone and it certainly didn’t stress my mother out - neither one of us considered my marriage to be any of her business, really. She was just thrilled to have a grandchild (my older siblings didn’t have kids at that point).
I too would be less then thrilled if one of mine ended up adding a baby to the mix. Better to get used to each other before adding a third person to the mix. For the OP it is too late to comment that wish. What is done is done.
Jc
I will admit, here only, to feeling less than enthusiastic when DD decided to start her family. I wished she would wait a bit longer so she and her siblings would have kids about the same ages and the others were not ready when she was. Plus we have had some really rough years, yes, mainly with sick elders and I would have really enjoyed a bit more selfish time to be all about DH & I before falling in love with grandkids, which, of course, I did! I had kids young and in my mind, I thought I ought to be able to have some freedom in my 50s that I did not have in my 20s.
That being said, it’s great and we fully embraced the experience, I babysit, we see them often, it’s wonderful.
Being totally honest, it also would have been wonderful in a few years & I think I would have been even better at it, as the dying seniors truly sucked the physical and emotional energy from DH & I.
I do admit, I would be aggravated if this happened with my kids. We spent so money and effort, getting them the best education and training possible, to set them up for success in life. We gave them the tools and information, and if they decided to ignore it and give it all up to become a young parent, I would be distressed. Why did you let us spend so much money on your education if this was your plan all along? When you do this before you are established in your career, it puts all the pressure on the other person to provide for the family. I have seen the struggle my sister has gone through with this, the work and resentment…how hard it was to have children early, how much she wishes she would have waited, the destruction of any hope of a career. And she is a very smart woman, but age discrimination crushes you when you are competing with people 20-30 years younger.
But if it’s done, it’s done. All you can do is appreciate the grandchild, and if you feel resentful, don’t help out with finances. My sister treasures the wonderful adult daughters she has now, they are her best friends. So I don’t know if she would have changed it.
S and DIL had their pg first then their marriage.
It was tough on everyone. Five years later they are happy, kid just started kindergarten and DIL is in her third year of medical school at age 25.
I was not ready to be a grandparent even though my age was certainly old enough.
It is all good now and what I did get besides the grandson is a DIL who is amazing and we get along beautifully.
I was not receptive in the beginning so I consider myself fortunate that things have gone so well.
Still,I think back to when S told us about the pregnancy and he was spending his time playing video games…
and super immature. So he grew up and! He makes good money off of his video game career.
You never know!!!
A lot of the credit goes to her parents who absorbed them into their lives (4 hours away).
They are much younger than we are and have a huge extended family who took all in stride.
There are some physical advantages to having your kids young - less likely to be complications with pregnancy or birth, less likely to have birth defects, more energy coping with baby/small child. And I’m sure we all know women who put career first with the intention of starting a family later and ended up finding it was too late to have a baby at all, or who only did so after going through the expense and emotional turmoil of IVF.
Another silver lining for your family: the future GGparents will get to see at least one baby from the next generation.
Is D definitely planning to be a SAHM, or is she going to put baby in daycare and continue her career?
You make some excellent points, @busdriver11, but we don’t know whether they apply to the OP’s family.
We know that @SOSConcern’s daughter got married a few months ago. What we don’t know is how old she and her husband are.
They may not be unusually young prospective parents at all.
My own daughter just got married – at 28, to a man who’s almost 31. They were an established couple for five years before their wedding. If they start a family soon, I see no problem with it. It’s not the length of their marriage that matters; it’s their age, the stability of the relationship, and their finances. They’re plenty old enough, they’ve been together for a long time already, and they’re in a good place in terms of finances. Perhaps SOSConcern’s daughter and her husband are in a similar situation.
I think you need to step back a bit. Advising about waiting to have children, writing wedding thank you notes and term life insurance? Are they teenagers?
Following b/c H and I are at a similar stage in life as the OP. Turned 60 this year, plan to work 4-5 more years and elderly mothers. S is still in school, but D is 26 and was married 2 years ago. Not planning to have kids for another 4-5 years but who knows? Things happen. However if D and SIL had a child now there would be no way H and I could provide much help. In addition, I would love to be retired when a grandchild does appear so that I had the time to do so.
As I say, just my preference. So I do get it.
There are some advantages in having kids when you are younger and it doesn’t necessarily mean derailing a career. It makes it more difficult but a lot of women do it.
I’m ready for grandchildren. Bring them on! Kids aren’t ready but I look with envy at siblings and friends who have grandkids already and are young enough themselves to really enjoy them and be active with them. Blessing for all generations.
OP’s daughter is a nurse. One of the great things about that career is it is flexible in its scheduling. I know several career nurses who have successfully juggled family life and career as they’ve been able to ebb and flow in nursing commitments depending on their stage in life.
When my husband and I called our parents to tell them we were pregnant, my mother announced that she wasn’t ready! Oh well, too bad. The good news was that she was ready after all and is a fantastic grandmother! You might be more ready than you think!!!
Kids aren’t ready but I look with envy at siblings and friends who have grandkids already and are young enough themselves to really enjoy them and be active with them. Blessing for all generations.