There are so many unknowns in life. If I and my siblings had had children younger, my dad could have spent more years with his grandchildren. If my late brother-in-law had waited, he would have had fewer years with his children before his death at age 60. If I had waited to get married (which I freely admit I should have), I wouldn’t have my dear daughters, who are the best thing in my life.
Oh, I’m not sure at all about the OP’s family,@Marian, I am referring to if it was my families situation. I have no idea about her D’s specific situation.
When the baby is born, DD will be 24 and SIL will be 28. Both have their UG education done. SIL’s career is in transition. DD is a FT nurse with a VA Hospital - and I asked her before marriage to promise to remain working FT for the 20 years to gain retirement plan and all the good pay/benefits. She is making a very good income, and has very good benefits (including generous time off immediately like the military). SIL is either going to re-enter military FT (he was an Army officer, and is now active reserves) or enter civil service. He is doing a nearly FT job for right now, entry level banking. The positions with civil service that he is pursuing have a long selection period, interviews, polygraph, etc. DD has two years for tenure with the VA. She can gain tenure with relocating from one hospital to another, but it is more solid to have the tenure first before moving. They have a large/very nice 1 BR apt with one year lease, and IMHO that apt is very good for them until they need to relocate for SIL.
So SIL’s transitional job situation would certainly have had me wait if I was in DD’s shoes. But they are so keen with establishing their nuclear family. DD has helped with young children through HS and college (her paid job at college was with a church nursery).
I do think SIL will pitch in with home/baby.
They are ones who like experiences and are not so keen on material things - standards are good for moderation.
DD has no student debt. SIL has student debt - that is their business, but it is not a high amount (less than $20K).
Always glad to hear of couples that may do things a bit out of order but work it out like son/DIL of @oregon101 - daughter of neighbor fell in love HS/early college to a fella; she also wanted to study medicine and had an unplanned pregnancy. They got married, had the baby, and with lots of family support she did get through UG and into med school. Cousin’s son and his co-inhabiting GF in Switzerland, over a Christmas holiday, when she was clearly pg, announced their upcoming Jan marriage. I believe the baby was born weeks after the wedding. They were already in their later 30’s, but the baby was going to be more life transforming for her/her career. Once they had this child, they were pg again right away, so now have two young DDs and she is a SAHM.
I wish my parents and H’s parents knew about life ins/term life ins. to advise us. All the advice was before marriage - and the insurance and the wills are absolutely necessary, adult/parent responsibilities.
My parents overstepped boundary when they pressured H and I to purchase a 4 door vehicle before we were ready (we wanted to save up to pay cash) - our baby and we certainly could have handled it just fine with our two door vehicles and we could have bought the car 6 months later…
Now my hope is they hold to just having the one child for a while to have life settle down a bit more.
I wouldn’t worry about the grandchild - SIL’s parents were hoping for a quick child, they will provide whatever help is necessary (and help might not be necessary). We lived 8 hours away from both sets of grandparents when our first 2 were born, so didn’t have them around. When we needed help, we had local friends - and we helped then in turn.
Now, for H’s parents. They want to stay in their home, and avoid nursing care. That will be great if you and the siblings are willing to take turns living with them. If not, you might seriously need to reconsider your options, depending on their health status, and their ability to care for themselves. If they need around the clock care, that can get very expensive - and no, it’s not likely to be covered by insurance unless they have the same type of long-term care insurance that would cover a nursing home. The lowest level of care is likely to cost $300 per day (around $12 an hour x 24 hours), multiply that by 30 days and you’re looking at $9,000 a month! That makes the cost of an assisted living facility look much more appealing, because the cost of supervision is shared among more people.
I would focus your energy on them.
Good point, @SOSConcern. There’s a difference between bringing up topics that young people may not be familiar with (like life insurance) and pressuring them to do a specific thing. I think all of us with grown children need to be reminded about that sometimes. Thank you.
BIL who lives near parents has found care to come into their home, from my understanding. However H didn’t ask his brother many relevant questions…
I believe MIL/FIL can do well with more help coming in for them. Once one of them passes, then decisions will be different. A crisis will be handled like it is now - BIL arranges for them to be in his home for a while. All their specialists and the higher level of hospital care is in his location - so when one had hip replacement surgery, the other lived with him. That kind of thing.
All I can say is tread lightly if want to be involved with their family in more than just an occasional guest capacity. My mom was not ready to be a grandmother - well, we were not ready to have one either after sensing her disapproval. We managed our family without any help from relatives, and we managed just fine. Mom became a terrific grandma to my niece and nephew. I did not bury my professional skills, yet I did not become a CEO, so one can say I ruined my career, but I actually never had the ambition. Your kids are not a part of you - they are their own family unit and can and will make their own decisions.
Congrats on joining the grandparent club! We just became members!
IIRC, you worked long and hard to get your current job. I can’t imagine anyone would expect you to give it up, and no one can make you do what you don’t want to do. That said, grandbabies are a strong pull. But you can be a better grandparent by being a happy and financialy comfortable/stable one. Someday you may need them/their support. Best to keep those bridges wide open.
Many of us here, and probably you as well, juggled the sandwich role of caring for our own kids when they were younger, and our parents. So of course it’s understandable that you’d like a bit of a breather. You commented that you regret cow-towing to a pressure from your parents that was against what you wanted- you don’t want your kids to feel the same way about you. They made a choice (or an oops, who knows) to start their family. If I were you I’d celebrate with them, embrace the growing family, and keep your full time job!.
As an aside- you never know what might happen. My DIL had complications with the birth of our first grandchild the other day, and is still in the hospital. I broke a bone a week before coming out to be here for the birth, and am anything but helpful (IMO-- at least trying not to be a nuisance). So, stuff happens. Enjoy what you have while you can! And Congrts!!
@jym626 , I second your sentiments. Also, and more important, I hope your daughter-in-law recovers quickly, and that you do, too.
"DD is a FT nurse with a VA Hospital - and I asked her before marriage to promise to remain working FT for the 20 years to gain retirement plan and all the good pay/benefits. "
I know you mean well but you can’t extract promises from your adult children for the next 20 years of their lives. Yes, the benefits of federal government jobs are nice but life has many twist and turns so things can not turn out the way we imagine. Besides she might decide that there are options that are more interesting and rewarding to her than her current path. Or she could be perfectly content where she is for the next several decades. But, I don’t think it’s fair to try to pin a 24 year old down to any one job or career.
Take my advice. Don’t give your DD and SIL any unsolicited advice. They’re in their mid to late 20s and are adults. Anything other than “What wonderful news! Congratulations!” to the news of their having a baby will come across as being a Negative Nancy or a Debby Downer.
Jobs, careers, life insurance, where they should live, childcare arrangements, schools, or whatever the current and future topics might be…keep your mouth shut. Don’t ever offer any advice unless your DD specifically asks your advice. And then don’t get offended or upset if they decide to do something different other than what you had recommended.
I’m sure that they both have good heads on their shoulders and they will figure out what is the best path for them in life.
Congrats to your DD and SIL on the pregnancy!
Uh oh, if we have to become CEOs to be successful, I fear most of us are abject failures!
I am glad that the OPs daughter had finished her training and is well employed. With her husband in transition, she may be the primary provider, and it’s so helpful to have solid skills.
We had the worst timing possible, as far as our oldest son. If only we had known what the near future would bring, we would have delayed. However, after all the stress and worry, he is as happy and fulfilled as we could ever hope for.
We were told by ob/gym to have our kids asap or we might be unable to. We were fine with starting our family immediately and I conceived the month we were given green light by the doc! He was surprised. :))
Caring for elders can suck up all your resources and damage relationships if you don’t set boundaries. Grandchildren are only young once - don’t miss it.
Well, bus, that was our story, too! Mom was very, very unsupportive… in the end, it worked out just fine. Babies do not always arrive at the perfect time. One of our friends planned and planned… timed everything perfectly, and then - boom! - life delivered a huge monkey wrench. So even the best of plans can go out of the window in a nanosecond.
A baby! How wonderful! Congratulations!
Oh no, @jym626, I just read that about your DIL! I hope she is better soon. It is good you are there to help, broken bones and all!
Oh yeah? I got my youngest to promise me he would love me endlessly and never be mean to me, and I’m holding him to it. I don’t care how old he was, he promised! :o3
@jym626 Sending best wishes to your DIL and grandbaby. (And you too!)
There is something I’m hearing from all sides as Mr R and I embark on the baby journey: “There is no such thing as the right time.” I’ve heard that from friends in their 20s to a family member in her 80s and everyone in between. I think I’m beginning to believe it.
Good luck, OP. I’d give just about anything for my grandparents to be here to see the birth of their great-grandchildren. Alas, they (mom’s parents) didn’t even get to see all 5 of their grandchildren be born. 