My nephew and niece-in-law started on their family immediately because she had already lost one ovary and was on the verge of losing another. They just had their second child. They will both turn 25 this fall (have known each other since middle school and started dating when they were 16). Niece-in-law’s mom passed away at 37 due to a blood clot, and nephew lost an infant brother. Nephew’s best friend (and best man) passed away the morning of nephew’s wedding. They are both acutely aware of the frailty of life.
She teaches HS and nephew also works FT. The older munchkin was in family day care and just started preschool; the younger one is in the same family day care.
Other friends of ours (I made her wedding gown) were married January 3rd (they were 23), had their first born September 6th. She had lost both parents within two weeks of each other and building a family was really important.
I was born 9 months and 29 days after my parents were married. My mom turned 21 shortly before I was born.
My sons ask us lots of questions about insurance, benefits, wills, etc., and we are happy to share what we know. (We picked it up ourselves – no help from parents). But giving my adult sons specific directions? Not so much, unless it affects personal safety or imminent financial/emotional harm. Even then, I tread carefully. The best lessons are often learned through our mistakes.
It is sad and frustrating that people these days are living longer but not necessarily better (or even as good as) lives as did their own parents. My parents weren’t sandwiched; by the time the first grandchild (my older daughter) was born, their own parents had been dead for many years. Two of my grandparents lived until their mid-80s but both lived by themselves until their deaths. Expecting our children’s generation to wait to take major steps in life because their grandparents are still alive and in need just doesn’t seem fair to me.
My parents are in late 80s, early 90s and H’s folks died when our kids were very young. We don’t expect our kids to wait or schedule their lives around us or my folks. That seems too difficult.
One of my sisters is busy helping care for grandkids AND helping with my folks plus has some construction ongoing in her home. She’s finding the juggling stressful. She is still happily balancing as best she can.
I do agree with this. You may think it is the right time, and before you know it, life smacks you in the face. With our first son, it was perfect timing (we thought), financially secure, lots of time off, and then Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. We had to leave our baby with a babysitter when my husband deployed and I was constantly sent on long trips. No mercy for parents of young babies when there is a war. Second child, life was comfortable, secure, and then the economy tanked and we were both laid off with no money saved and no job in sight. The unexpected always seems to happen to us.
However, though there may be no right time, I think there can be a bad time, when you set yourself up for failure. If a marriage is rocky, this isn’t going to help. If finances are ugly, this can make it worse. Having children is hard, painful, full of sacrifice. If both people aren’t in it for the long haul, it’s not the right time. I think some think this will fix their problems, their marriages, and the stress just makes it worse.
When we had our babies, it was right after we were married, MIL was having dialysis. She was so happy to get to see and carry the babies. She died just after our younger D turned 1. We had lean finances but we’re happy anyway. FIL and my folks were able to enjoy our kids longer, as was SisIL.
You just do your best and adapt to whatever life throws your way.
H and I looked at how our parents handled life and we did our thing many states away for the most part.
Somehow both mother and MIL crossed boundaries with wanting grandchildren (MIL) or the new 4 door car (mother). MIL asked for grandchildren on our wedding day, and every week in phone calls until we wrote her a letter to her (her son wrote, we both signed) 6 months later. 15 years after the wedding was when DD1 was born, the pregnancy/announcement a total surprise to both sets of grandparents. They absolutely thought so much time had passed we just were not having children.
Exciting times for the newly weds. We will be very excited when SIL lands the career job. We do believe SIL will rise to the tasks ahead. Totally confident with DD, but she needs a supportive H.
35 YO nephew just married to 34 YO. I imagine they will look to starting a family soon.
As far as the couple getting a will they can, at this stage, use an online tool such as Legal Zoom for a simple
will. They are legal in most states. Easy and cheap. The most important issue is that they name a guardian.
With SIL in Army Reserves, he has everything done - he made sure over his Reserves weekend. DD will get a simple will done in our state before the baby is born.
DD called this morning - her H is really motivated on getting into good physical shape - he has a physical assessment in Oct for some special training (6 months) - and if he is chosen, he will have pay as 2nd Lieutenant and housing pay for the period (him on base, his housing pay is for family at other location). They are paying down his student loans and living on a lean budget. So the coming baby has really energized him/them. So good to hear great news. I know she will be able to have her paid medical leave with having the baby. Right now she says her VA hospital is having staffing issues, so she was fortunate to have been able to take a 2 week honeymoon.
So good news on the youngsters. We will see how things develop with the 88 YO grandparents and their health issues.
If DD works for VA I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they have life insurance policies already and/or available via work. I work in state government and we have a specific automatic amount everyone gets and then very low cost supplemental ins. It may not run high enough (eg $100-150k) but it gets you started and is cheap.
I am sure DD has some insurance with the VA - and maybe able to buy additional insurance. SIL was checking to see if premiums remained the same on Army reserve additional term insurance. Many times with term insurance purchased at a private company, the premiums go dramatically up if you leave. They got some decent private insurance quotes with term insurance. Just following through.
DD2 is meeting up with DD1 to see the photographer’s wedding photos - she is pushing DD1 along to ‘wrap things up’ on the wedding. DD2 is quite a bit more organized and more like me on getting these things done.
SIL had to write some thank you notes for some of his activities, and believe me, DD will get it done easier/faster and allow him to do some household chores as a trade off. H had to do dishes growing up, and he can do the dirtiest of chores because I do all the dishes.
Oh my…I guess a lot of marriages start with babies but it is a lot to bite off for sure. I used to be jealous of my friends who had grandma-sitters. My mother made it clear they were not “sitters”…we survived. I have no idea how I will feel but I imagine I have time to digest. Chances are I will be approaching 70 when that bridge needs to be crossed.
It wouldn’t be life insurance. It would be DISABILITY insurance. If he’s not in the military now, he should buy it now as quickly as he can. She should too. Do NOT rely on disability insurance linked to a job. You can get it for really reasonable prices if you have a long waiting period before you can collect. When you are young–even if you’re not in the military–becoming disabled is much more of a threat to your future than death. If you become disabled, you not only are not contributing to family income, you’re draining it.
I’m older and have 2 grandbabies. My “counterpart” is a bit more than a decade younger than I am. She’s a LOT further away than I am but is more help than I am. I’m older than the OP, and I can’t handle 2 kids under 3 by myself. I just can’t. She can. OP may be in good health at 61, but you can’t tell how she’ll feel at 65. I’m not in bad health–just minor problems–but one child at a time is enough.
One of my siblings had a child almost exactly a decade before I had a child. My parents were MUCH better grandparents to that child than to mine. One was born when they were 60; the other when they were 70. No comparison–none. My dad died when my D was 3; she has barely any memory of him. My sibling’s kid knew his grandfather until he was 13 and they were extremely close.
OP’s D may be able to tack together working periods. My D had a job with the federal government, then worked in private practice for a few years, and then went to work for the feds again. Her earlier employment counts towards seniority and retirement. It may not have to be continuous employment.
But…and this is a BIG IF…don’t count on all these retirement rules staying the same for the next 20 years. I know that federal retirement rules for my kid have changed. Before, you could claim the pension after 20 years. Now you have to wait until you are 55. I don’t know how the VA works—I’m just saying the generous pensions that federal jobs have had in the past may change; you can no longer assume that the rules on the day you start work will be the same when you retire–ESPECIALLY in a government job.
My sis has been watching her baby grandkids. She says she can’t handle two under 3. She is fine with the one who is 4 and the little sister but not the infant and the 18 month one together. I am not sure how I’d handle two babies under 3 but no idea when I will be able to find out.
