Very good points.
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But she has actual family nearby, when my parents were alive I saw them pretty much daily or at least had phone contact. Not everyone needs neighbors to keep tabs on parents. I’m sure she had help like cleaners, pool care, landscaping, etc. My parents rarely used their formal dining room, living room/parlor, 4 extra bedrooms… Heck my IL’s had a small mobile home and only used one side with kitchen/family room/bedroom/bathroom and never used the dining room/guest bathroom/living room.
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My friend’s MIL is 103. Can only live ‘independently’ because her son lives next door, she has help come into the home 5 days per week, a grandson and family come by to set out meals 2 or 3 times a week (mostly to give son a break).
Could she live independently if son wasn’t handling all her bills, getting her food and medicine, bringing in the mail and milk delivery, arranging medical care (they often use Dispatch Health which sends nurses and others to her home)? NO. But she’s 103 and that’s what she wants. She doesn’t leave her house (no working in the yard, no shoveling or lawn care). She can’t even get packages off the porch. But mentally sharp.
Last night I was at the CU basketball game and there was Peggy, an 101 year old fan. She and her twin sister (who died several years ago) went to all the basketball and football games for almost 80 years, dressed (identically) in their CU sweatshirts. Coach Prime has adopted her and she’s a star and often in the parades, on his TV show. That’s a life I’d be willing to live to 101 for. Not for staying in my home for 6 years hoping a grandchild would stop by to give me a muffin.
When son and my friend want to travel, it is a Marshall plan of people to come and do all the stuff they do every day, and they have to have someone stay at their house because MIL doesn’t ‘want to be alone.’ She wants to live in her house, but not be alone.
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Believe me, I know situations like this as well. The illusion of independence, propped up by a veritable army of almost invisible scaffolding.
But since I mostly failed at getting my own elderly parents into “better” situations ahead of the curve (always behind, always just anticipating the next crisis) I’ve learned not to judge someone else’s arrangement. The only thing I’m a hard-%^&* about is getting the keys to the car. That is a bright line IMHO. If an elderly person wants to subsist on crackers and peanut butter until the dutiful family member shows up with dinner, that’s a decision. That same elderly person decides to drive to Bingo one night- after their doctor explained they have no peripheral vision, their reaction time is delayed, and their night-vision is impaired- NO. Hard no. Family steps in. I know people who are shrugging, “She only drives in the neighborhood” as if mowing down a bunch of kids waiting for the school bus is an “only”.
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Luckily, Mimi hasn’t driven since the 1950s. When husband was alive, he drove and that was a nightmare in itself, but he was ‘only’ 92.
She really hasn’t left the house except to go to the ER or a doctor’s appointment in years, since covid. She did go to a restaurant with a private dining room for her 100th birthday. And maybe twice for holidays to friend’s house next door. That takes 3 grandsons (one is a fireman) to lift her (100 pounds, if that) to get her there.
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Ugh, we had my dad’s doctor tell him no more driving after he almost drove through a parade (he had Alzheimer’s and it was actually my mom who was the last to agree, since she was then stuck with him in the house a lot). My FIL was driving until 92, couldn’t turn his head left. It was a step family situation, MIL’s daughter was the only one near by, and it would’ve meant more work for her (and as an IL myself I didn’t get much say, although I did vent to H and his biological sisters, who live a flight away). “Fortunately” he fell asleep at the wheel, ran into a picket fence and totaled his car. He said he wanted to buy a new one, we all said absolutely not.
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My good friend’s mom is in her 90s living by herself. My friend spends most of her time traveling and sailing with her husband around the world. Her solution is to hire 24-7 care for her mom. She talks with her mom everyday.
Some of my mom’s friends have fallen at night and couldn’t get up by themselves. One was found on the floor by her caretaker.
My mom lives half a block from me. We all speak with her everyday and she has iwatch with tracker on.
For older people afraid of giving up their cars, maybe gift them Uber cards or arrange a taxi service on call. My neighbors were blind with 2 little kids and they had a specific taxi driver they loved (sort of at the beginning of Uber days). They’d schedule things way in advance. They also used public transportation and walked a lot (grocery store was walkable to our homes)
My sister wanted my parents to attend her son’s graduation in Boulder but they didn’t want to drive and her car was full, so she paid for an Uber for my parents. My father loved it, he didn’t realize it was so easy, etc etc. We tried to get him to give up his car as he basically took it to the restaurant where he ate lunch almost every day, stopped at a place to buy his lottery tickets (although he could have walked to one from the restaurant). He was thinking about it but died shortly after that.
I think it would be possible to arrange their weeks with rides (to store, to bridge games, to hair salon) and that would help the relatives who live locally from all the responsibility of rides. Locals could still do some of it, but having a driver they trust might also work.
I found this quote from Meghan Kelly
“That’s a thing about these morning shows and, having been at the Today show for a year, they really want you to put your personal life on the air. They press hard for you to reveal very personal details about your family, your kids, marriage, mom, all of that. There’s zero doubt in my mind that Savannah felt that too.”
This really stood out for me. Morning tv seems very different than other news or entertainment shows in that it’s personal. You know their kids, spouses, parents. They are all shown on tv and they have segments on family members. Which is fine if that person is a public figure i.e. Jenna Bush Hager whose family is very well known. But I’ve seen her husband on the show, she frequently talks about and shows her kids.
I wonder if the conversation we should be having is less about a parent living alone and more about how being in the public eye affects the safety of your family going forward.
In this very public, 24 hour news, social media world, maybe this changes how people show family, especially those who aren’t in control of that. Meaning children
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Her colleagues in the business are maybe pondering this very issue now.
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Remember when nobody knew what Khrushchev’s wife looked like? How do we get back to THAT style of politician? It’s insane to me when political candidates, elected officials, etc. beg for privacy for their families and then trot them out for photo op’s at the first occasion. Did I need to see Vance’s kids in India? Do I want to see pictures of Karoline Leavitt’s toddler and husband? The cost of secret service protection keeps going up but how about leaving your spouse and kids out of the official photos? We’re not talking Paparazzi…. these are official photos taken by White House photographers (on YOUR payroll).
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I think there is a difference between asking for privacy and posting a pic of your family on vacation, or going to church or at your swearing in.
But I think we may be getting off course for the thread.
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Folks, there is a whole thread on parents caring for parents, so please take discussions about elder care there.
Let’s stay on topic with this thread.
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Nothing new, but law enforcement seems to be spending a lot of time at the sister’s property.
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The original ‘theory’s” out there which the sheriff debunked named the brother in law. It’s not plausible to me at this point, if there is inside involvement, that there would be follow through bcuz they’ll be nabbed. At the same time, if you let mom go, she can/will identify you.
There’s something much we don’t know and I watch too many cop shows but it’s been over a week.
The Donald also made false promises, which I’m sure didn’t help the family’s psyche, already bad.
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Most likely, the abductor knew the victim. There has been no proof of life offered. Unfortunately, if the victim knows/knew her abductor, it is unlikely that the victim would be freed even if the ransom demands were met because the abductor would be immediately known by the authorities.
The last person known to have seen the victim will almost certainly be under suspicion of involvement with the crime.
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The Lindbergh’s baby was kidnapped (and murdered) in 1932. Long before morning show hosts talked about their families. It’s easy to find out details of family members even if they didn’t.
My question is: What were the results of the BIL’s polygraph exam ?
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News Nation (24 hour cable news station) just reported “police activity at the home of the brother-in-law and sister’s home”.
There is a 5PM Pacific Time deadline for payment of the $6 million ransom. Without proof of life, this should not happen. Might be better to just increase the reward substantially from $50,000 for information leading to apprehension & arrest.
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Patel released pictures of a suspect. Hope this pans out.
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