<p>I’ve had a friend for about 10 years–we met when our kids shared a hobby, and we became friends in the way you do when you’re facilitating your children’s activities. We spent time together outside of the activity and generally got along well. I knew she was a lot more conservative than I was, but we shared views on what was appropriate for our children and sort of agreed to disagree on the political stuff.</p>
<p>At least, I thought we did. And then, during the last presidential election, she told me that she couldn’t keep silent anymore and had to tell me her fears if President Obama were re-elected. And then he was. And she started stock-piling food and water and bought a gun “to be ready for the coming unrest,” as she described it.</p>
<p>Well, our kids went to college and our lives got busy and we haven’t really talked over the past year or so. Our kids have kept in touch, though, and see each other a lot. And now that old friend has called and is trying to re-connect with me. And I really don’t want to. I’ve read political stuff she and her husband have posted on Facebook, and it’s so mean and fear-mongering. I just don’t even know how I’d have a conversation with her anymore. I feel bad, because her child has been a great friend to mine, and has spent a lot of time in my home. And my child has spent a lot of time in her home. </p>
<p>My child says just don’t talk politics–but I feel so uncomfortable now that I know how this woman thinks. And it horrifies me to know her view of the world and that she is carrying a gun around with her!</p>
<p>Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Someone in another thread described CC folks as her “imaginary friends” and I totally understand that! The posters here are generally so thoughtful that I’d really like to hear what you think. Thanks.</p>
<p>I have pretty much blocked or unfriended people who make those kinds of FB posts. I am polite when I see them, but don’t spend time with them. Hard to know what to say when she calls, though… I would probably be a wimp and just always be “busy”.</p>
<p>I have friends that think very differently than I do and I am tired of it. :)</p>
<p>For me, life is too short to hang around people you don’t enjoy. If you aren’t getting enough positives out of a relationship, then you just politely drift away.</p>
<p>Perhaps you can just do things with the woman and your kid and hers. That would at least be a compromise and otherwise you can be “busy” with any number of other things.</p>
<p>I have loved ones who are VERY liberal (National Public Radio) while others are VERY conservative (Rush Limbaugh)–polar opposites, as well as folks everywhere in between. I still am able to enjoy them for their generous and kind natures, even if I am unable to understand the raving folks they listen to on the radio. I am very careful about topics of discussion and we rarely discuss anything vaguely related to politics because it seems better for all concerned that way.</p>
<p>Actually, H & I differ about a lot of things, including politics, the military, and guns. We still get along very well and have mutual respect.</p>
<p>Polite drifting is fine, or participating in things where there is little or no time for chatting (noisy movie, bowling, etc.)</p>
<p>I know a lot of friendships, including some of mine, that have been lost because of politics. One ex-friend said that she felt that our differences were more than just politics – that my opinions were moral failings on my part and that she felt that I needed to be enlightened. I disagreed. We don’t see each other anymore.</p>
<p>It sounds like your friend’s emotional reaction to the election would put her in that category. I don’t think that either of you would enjoy spending time together.</p>
<p>Well, I have to disagree with the notion that you should only hang around with people whose political views are aligned with yours. This country has gotten increasingly polarized as a result of that attitude and Washington has become utterly paralyzed and ineffective because our elected representatives are utterly unable to compromise in order to effectively govern.</p>
<p>That said, this woman sounds as if she’s gone to some scary extremes in her views. Do you know that she actually carries a gun with her? That to me is quite different from merely owning one which is kept securely at home. I don’t see any reason to have a confrontation and spell out why you don’t want to hang out with her; it’s reasonable to just be busy most of the time when she calls and let things fade naturally. That’s not wimpy IMO.</p>
<p>I’ve really come to hate FB because people seem to feel so free to post the kinds of things this woman does. I have some distant relatives who do it and it’s extremely annoying and makes me think less of them than I would otherwise. However, I have to say that I find the folks who post things from the other end of the spectrum equally annoying and asinine. People who put their politics on social media are never as smart as they think they are and would be better off if they stopped being so smug about their positions.</p>
<p>I know it’s awkward, but you shouldn’t feel like you have to be buddies with someone you don’t want to spend time with just because you used to. Just let it die a natural death. Good luck.</p>
<p>I have some friends in the opposite political camp from me, as revealed by their highly offensive FB postings. I decided years ago I would not post anything political on FB, because I know how their posts make me feel about them (that they are bigoted and ignorant and intolerant). I still see these friends, and have decided that so long as they treat me properly, I am not going to destroy our friendship over their political rantings. </p>
<p>One thing to keep in mind is that something like 60% of Americans own guns, and close to 50% of Americans voted for the presidential candidate you didn’t vote for, so most likely those statistics are reflected in a cross-section of all of your acquaintances. That is more than half your friends you’d need to discard if you decide you cannot look past those perceived shortcomings.</p>
<p>By all means let things fade and if your kiddo really wants the FOUR of you to get together from time to time, that would be fine, at least with me.</p>
<p>I also find that social media really allows people to show sides of themselves that many of us would prefer not to know and allows for “bully pulpits.” It is scary to hear what some folks spew and I much prefer not to know, especially when name-calling and fear-mongering is involved. ICK!</p>
<p>I have friends all across the political spectrum on FB and IRL. Only common theme is we agree with the following when it comes to politics, religion, or any other topic:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>We agree to disagree respectfully.</p></li>
<li><p>Any conversations on such topics needs to be entered with respect and civility.</p></li>
<li><p>We agree to avoid responding to political responses we don’t agree with unless we agree we won’t complain about being debated vociferously. If I’m up for a good debate, I join in…if not, I abstain from joining in. </p></li>
<li><p>Initiating disrespect<em>, incivility</em>, and/or far out conspiracy theories or accusations means others are given full license to fiercely debate, critique, and satirize/poke fun at the one initiating…and he/she has only him/herself to blame if he/she complains about some of the admittedly harsh responses.</p></li>
</ol>
<ul>
<li>Against individual FB friends. Political parties and governments are considered completely fair game by all of us.</li>
</ul>
<p>If someone in my social group were mean and fear mongering, they’d be marginalized by the group. That said, I have a lot of friends on both sides of the political spectrum. We don’t always refrain from political discussions.Sometimes we share our concerns, and sometimes we argue, but that’s ok because we respect each other’s intelligence.</p>
<p>What you’re describing is extremism. It sounds like this friend’s ideology isn’t rooted in reality and borders on paranoia. For that reason I’d have a hard time being friends, not just because she’s not crazy about my candidate.<br>
Your son is in college and you have no real reason to continue a relationship just because your son and hers have one. I would tell my son that you and this person have little in common anymore and you don’t plan to renew the friendship. Screen your calls and be unavailable. I wouldn’t feel bad about it at all. It’s her behavior that has caused the friendship to go sour, not yours.</p>
<p>I also have friends on both sides and have no problem with any of them. Both sides of religion too. But when they get to the extreme you have described, I would just ease out of the friendship. There are not enough hours in the day to be able to enjoy the nice people I know. Why bother with someone who is clearly not rational?</p>
<p>By the way, I like the fact that people post their extreme opinions on FB. Makes me realize what they are really like because they most likely wouldn’t say those mean, ignorant and hateful things in real life. On both sides of the spectrum. Now I can better tell whether they are worth spending time with and who I have to avoid those topics with if I do have to spend time with them.</p>
<p>Before Facebook, I couldn’t have told you how most of my loved ones and friends voted or even what their political leanings were.</p>
<p>I was happily able to lead my life without knowing that. Oh, I’m sure there were times when politics came up in conversation, but it was easy to let it go because it wasn’t in my face, and I could choose to let it go and not engage.</p>
<p>Facebook allows people to put their thoughts in writing, and the news feed puts everything in your face. It is intrusive in that respect. I have learned to block some of my more extreme “friends’” posts from showing up on my news feed. I occasionally look at THEIR walls when I’m in the right mood, because I think it is valuable to read crazy stuff written by actual people (not trolls). I consider it to be part of my continuing education. And I need to be aware that there are real people out there who think like that.</p>
<p>I have Facebook friends who are able to put forward a completely different point of view from my own, and do so with respect and a good spirit. I have learned some things from these friends, and seen a different side of the issues as a result. I am always thankful for that.</p>
<p>I guess I could remain friends in real life with the OP’s friend if she was able to not share her extreme views when we were together. If the crazynis bleeding through in real life, then I’d very passively let the friendship die. Always be vaguely busy, don’t make plans to get together, but stay polite.</p>
<p>I have friends with opposing political/religious views, and I have drifted away from friends with opposing political/religious views. The deciding factor for me is if that friend allows their views to permeate our relationship or not.</p>
<p>OP-
I would first and foremost ask yourself- do you enjoy her company? Do you like being with/doing things with her? If not, then its ok to politely drift away. If you aren’t sure, especially since its been a while since you’ve seen her, then consider collecting a little bit of current data by perhaps meeting her for coffee or lunch or something time-limited, and see how you feel then.</p>
<p>DH and I go out with one couple who are nice friends but the husband is very vociferous in his political beliefs which are strong and differ from ours. We have politely asked that we not discuss politics when we are out, and for the mostpart he honors that. If he slips, his wife usually says his name in a stern voice and he stops :)</p>
<p>^I have to do that with my brother. He wants to start a debate on specific issues, and I have said the conversation’s over if you’r going to insist on discussing X or Y. He’s getting better about it.</p>
<p>I had a similar situation. A mom friend who I enjoyed a friendly relationship with for years. When our kids reached high school but went to different schools, my ds started dating a girl of a different race. Her reaction was to send me a note saying “oh no” she had seen a picture of ds and gf through FB and asked how I was “holding up.”</p>
<p>I completely thought she meant how was I handling my ds starting to have a serious girlfriend. We even had a little conversation about it before it suddenly occurred to me that we were talking about completely differentk things, when she said “sorry I have no problem with black and white kids being friends, but dating, no - it is just a bad idea.” Something about it being selfish to make mixed-race kids who don’t know “where they belong” and I think there was some Obama talk in there.</p>
<p>I have to say I just kind of left it on a high note - but I checked off that FB option where I don’t have to look at anything she says, and hid my page feed from her … and it’s been four years now. </p>
<p>I tend to think I dropped the friendship half because of the political views but half because she was WAY out of bounds coming in to comment about my son’s dating life.</p>
<p>If you want to keep a tenuous connection you can label them “Acquaintances” on facebook. They’ll never show up in your newsfeed, but you can go looking for them if you want to. I had to do that with a high school classmate. I need to be friends with her because I’m class secretary and in charge of our class Facebook page.</p>
<p>You can also put them on “restricted” on your facebook page. They will not see any of your posts but, like mathmom said, you can find them. I had to do that with a few folks who were being a little too vociferous on my page and commenting on my posts in what felt a little too creepy (old male from college, for example). I dont have the heart to totally unfriend him, and it will be apparent to him. I just put him on restricted so he doesn’t see any of my posts any more.</p>
<p>Out of respect for the kids’ friendship I would do a quick coffee or lunch (as somebody else suggested) and keep the discussion to talking about your children etc. Or else do a short outing with the kids. You don’t have to consider her a friend to spend a short amount of time with her once in a blue moon since the kids enjoy each other’s company.</p>