Scared of being forced to leave my university because of my parents' requirements

College Life
1

Hey,
So as most of you probably know, I go to UNC Wilmington as an OOS sophomore from New Jersey. I adore my school more than any place in the world and have thoroughly enjoyed my time here. I am currently involved on campus as a founding member of the Student Seahawk Club (student athletics donor/supporters’ club) this past semester, as well as a part of College Democrats and the Black Student Union. I also have a lot of cool things planned for the next year or so, such as joining a fraternity (this upcoming semester) and studying abroad (most likely spring of next year).

However, it may all fall through because of some stupidly strict rule in my household: get a 3.5 or be forced to transfer to Rutgers, my home state’s flagship. I currently have a 3.15 after my third semester of college, and the highest cumulative GPA I can earn after this year is a 3.4. The thing that really frustrates me is that I’m doing better in college than I ever did in high school (above a 3.0 in every single semester so far), but my dad pretty much scoffed at the mention of that fact at the end of my first semester last fall. If I had a 2.5 and was struggling to get into the Cameron School of Business at my school, then this thread wouldn’t exist. However, I’m going to have absolutely no trouble getting admitted into the B-school and feel I have done generally well, even if I do genuinely want a higher GPA for my own self.

The idea of being forced to leave UNCW, which is a very comfortable nine hours away from home, to attend Rutgers which is only a half-hour away for my last two years is nothing short of nauseating to me. It’s a good school for sure, but there are many problems with potentially going there. For starters, it’s WAY too big; my current school is just half the undergrad population of my state flagship. Secondly, the sports at Rutgers aren’t as good, and therefore school spirit isn’t as high. Yes, Rutgers are in the Big 10, but the most accurate description I can give as to why they’re in that conference is that it’s a complete waste of a spot. Rutgers athletics are nothing short of a joke, especially their football team (losing 78-0 at home is pathetic and humiliating, to put it lightly). I’m not kidding when I say that my school’s imaginary football team could probably beat their real football team. And even though their basketball team has a winning record, they are definitely helped by having the weakest non-conference schedule in all of D1. No question that our basketball team (which almost beat Duke in March Madness last year) would beat theirs as well. Thirdly, FAR too many of my HS schoolmates attend Rutgers for my liking. Yes, 30,000 undergrads go there, so I would only see a lot of those people if I wanted to. However, the fact remains that I had a truly wretched time in high school, and I have no interest in being schoolmates with any of those people ever again, even if I didn’t necessarily dislike them. Plus, a lot of my ex-schoolmates transferred into Rutgers after spending their first year OOS, which just turns me off even more. Lastly, Rutgers just isn’t UNCW. It’s no better academically (especially in terms of the B-school), it’s a lot more suffocating, there’s no beach ten minutes away, no laid-back campus atmosphere to speak of, etc. It even BARELY costs less to attend Rutgers in-state than it does to be at UNCW out-of-state. The only advantage I could possibly see to being at Rutgers over UNCW is that it’s far closer to NYC; though given where I currently go to school, I obviously think the proximity factor is at least a little overrated. I also plan on settling in North Carolina post-graduation, so any transfer would obviously ruin those plans as well.

If we couldn’t afford my school anymore, then it’s one thing. But I’d rather drop out of college altogether than be forced to leave the school I love, especially if it’s to go to a school that I really would not enjoy attending. Seriously. If I really were to go to Rutgers, I would immediately lose all my gregariousness. I would retire from social media due to FOMO, particularly seeing as I’ve pretty much built my contacts around my UNCW friends for most of the last two years. I would much rather just lock myself up in my room and not talk to anyone at all than have to face my HS classmates all over again. Really. I would become totally mute and antisocial.

I’m just putting this out there now as opposed to potentially having to scramble my thoughts later in case it REALLY has to happen. I haven’t talked to my parents about my exact grades from this past semester as of yet, but I did constantly update them about how tough it was for me, which is something I never really did before. I guess I’ll just wait until they ask. The good news is that my spring semester schedule is looking a bit easier in comparison, especially now that I’ve taken the last B-school prereqs that I needed to take.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for the long post.

2

Has the 3.5 rule always been in place? If so, you knew the expectation . My advice
would be focus more on academics and less on sports to get your GPA as close to
3.5 and maybe your parents will reconsider . Your statement about not being able to “settle in NC” if you move back to NJ is inaccurate . People relocate everyday. I understand being frustrated but being overly dramatic and threatening to lock yourself in your room does not demonstrate maturity on your part and may come back to hurt you in the long run. Your other option is to become independent from your parents and pay your own way.

3

@carolinamom2boys Well, like I said, it hasn’t been really brought up as of yet. It’s also more of my dad’s requirement than a mutual idea.

I worked my butt off, but Calculus did hurt me this semester. I didn’t do TERRIBLY in that class, or even bad. I didn’t lack any effort at all. I always went to the prof’s office hours, asked for help in the math lab, studied with others, etc. I did well in all my other classes, but was unfortunately unable to get more than a C+ in Calc. VERY tough class.

I’m obviously not going to literally lock myself in my room if it happens (I don’t think), but I will have less of an inclination to talk to people.

4

If your family is paying for your education , it doesn’t have to be a mutual idea . If you don’t agree with your father’s rules , then your only other option is to find a way to pay for your education without their assistance . If your father hasn’t mentioned returning home , this reaction is very premature .Whether or not you engage with others if you should have to move back to NJ is your choice. I wouldn’t put that out there with your family IMO it will not help your argument not to return home as it could be interpreted as immaturity.

5

So that was a good venting, but if you really want to stay you are going to have to move beyond this and work on arguments that parents will accept. Which is not most of the ones that you have listed.

First, remember that UNCW is about $13K more / year than Rutgers for you, so for your parents will end up spending $26,000 (over the 2 years you could be at Rutgers) more to send you farther away. Even if you are completely sure that the money is not a financial hardship, be careful to be mindful that it is their money that you are asking them to spend, when there is (at least from an academic perspective) a perfectly good, less expensive option.

Second, a couple questions: was the 3.5 GPA rule in place from the beginning, or was it put in when they were unhappy with your marks? How have your marks gone- has your GPA gone up or down over the terms? have your individual grades gone up or down? I’m guessing you have some disappointing grades- what’s that story?

Next, build your case: can you demonstrate an upward trend in your grades? are your disappointing grades outliers? are your parents familiar with college GPAs? get some data. Lay out your plans for the next couple of years, including things such as classes, internships/jobs, etc. It might be helpful to have some specific metrics to offer. If you can show some amount of financial responsibility that would be good as well. You want to demonstrate that you aren’t just throwing a strop b/c of things like not getting along with people and sports teams. The best argument for your current school is the growth and maturity you can show your parents that you have achieved in your time there.

Good luck!

ps, one more thing: be prepared to have this conversation over several sessions, and to work hard to keep the conversation cool, calm and focused on the case you have built.

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@carolinamom2boys yeah, I know this reaction is very premature. The thread itself is intentionally premature.

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@collegemom3717 sorry, didn’t see your comment before replying to the previous one.

I don’t remember UNCW being $13k more per year. If you’re going off the website, that’s not 100% accurate; it fluctuates based on the individual. My FA counselor said that our max was $31k for this year. That would make Rutgers only $5k less per year.

Secondly, the 3.5 was in place from the beginning by my dad. I got a 3.33 my first semester, virtually straight B’s my second semester, and then a 3.1 this most recently concluded fall. Last fall I got one A, one A-, two B+'s, and then a C+ (still kick myself for not doing better in that one class that I just blew off). Last spring, it was two B+'s, two B’s, and a B-. This fall, it was an A-, a B+, two B’s and a C+ (Calculus, but I did show consistent effort throughout the semester. Just a VERY difficult class, the most difficult I’ve taken in my life actually. Still, am genuinely disappointed with the grade and two others where I anticipated a better ending as well). I was about to mention to my dad over Thanksgiving break how the overly high expectations are actually detrimental to me, but I wanted to wait until the grades were officially in. I was confident of pulling out a B in Calc despite struggling for a good part of the semester. The goal is to eventually get into a top MBA program, but I apparently had an agreement with my parents to come back up north to do just that. Part of me would definitely prefer Kenan-Flagler for UNC Chapel Hill in case the Ivies don’t work out.

I like the idea of setting out a specific plan and talking over several sessions. My parents know how much I’ve grown and matured over the past 1.5 years; my mom in particular always points out that I’m doing well and I’m happy and I’m safe. But I feel like being forced to come back prematurely would not only halt, but also undermine that progress completely. Respectfully, I just don’t think they have a realistic expectation of just how hard American college is (they’re both immigrants).

8

Do the business school transfers to Rutgers always graduate in 4 years? Perhaps the 100% certainly you hopefully have that you can graduate in 4 years at your current university may be a point to bring up. Regarding your agreement that you will come back to the NJ area to get an MBA - well, you will be working for several years before getting an MBA and you won’t have to get your parents’ permission when you are 25. Some employers pay for part time MBA study and so your employment location will help determine where you enroll.

9

Seconding using the 4 year graduation point, and not using the “I would be miserable” point, which they could take negative.

You know your family best, but I think your best strategy is to play up your maturity gains, your success compared to high school (and your consistency), and perhaps even try to meet in the middle financially. Would you be willing to repay your parents the difference between the schools a few years after graduation? It sounds like that could be well worth it and would be small enough to be manageable on your end.

I really feel for strict parents and hope you are able to stay at UNCW. Luckily it looks like they are willing to listen and discuss at some level, even if they are strict. Really try to approach that carefully, and use it as a way to show how you’ve grown up. That is a very convincing argument for parents, particularly when coupled with taking responsibility. Don’t make excuses for your grades, no matter how valid. Say that you understand it is not a 3.5, but your improvements from high school show your work is paying off, and that you will continue to improve. Then show them your plans from here on out.

Don’t focus on the sports stuff, but do mention your involvements on campus as a whole. Show them you have healthy roots planted that would suffer from the transfer.

Good luck!

10

@CheddarcheeseMN @PengsPhils you know, that was the most pertinent concern that I failed to mention. I currently have 48 credits (including 4 from a CC summer class) and will have 64 at the end of this upcoming semester, so I am on track to graduate on time from UNCW. However, I’m pretty sure I’d have to take at least an extra semester in the event of a transfer to Rutgers. I especially like Pengs’ other ideas of trying to meet my parents halfway financially and referencing my growth since going away to school and my on-campus involvement, as well as the friendships I’ve made that would be very difficult to leave behind.

Whoops, should have clarified that I meant the Northeast in general as opposed to New Jersey specifically.

11

I’m curious, OP - why did your father initially impose this 3.5 rule? Were your parents reluctant to let you go down to NC in the first place? Are they the kind that really wanted to keep you close to home? A 3.5 seems like a really high GPA to require; I know that currently it’s in fashion for high schools to inflate grades beyond the point of meaninglessness, so students can have a 3.8 in HS and be in the bottom half of their class these days. But in college, a 3.15 is a good GPA - it’s a solid B average. I graduated college with a 3.4 and got a PhD from an Ivy on fellowship.

The issue here, though, is that since we don’t know your parents we don’t know what arguments might work with them. Some parents might be swayed by the fact that you seem to be genuinely enjoying yourself at UNCW and the thought of leaving stresses you out. Your first two reasons (worse sports and HS classmates you won’t see) are kind of weak from an adult perspective, but none of that matters since what’s really important is that you’re simply happy and settled at UNCW.

Saying that you’d rather drop out of college than leave UNCW, and that you’ll become “totally mute and antisocial,” is a bit dramatic. Try not to be dramatic - because it makes you look less mature and credible. You have to gird yourself up and school your emotions so that you can have a sensible conversation with your parents should the issue come up.

If the issue does come up, could you chat with your parents and come to new terms and a probationary period? Not knowing your parents, here are some potential arguments:

  1. You could point out that nationally, the average college GPA is a 3.1. So you’re performing about average - not poorly. Maybe you could argue that given the national average is a 3.1 it might be more realistic to expect you to keep a 3.0 or higher, which is the general standard requirement for a lot of graduate programs, for example.

  2. If you fell below standards for good standing at most colleges, they would grant you a probationary period to give you a chance to raise to their standards. So maybe your father/parents would be willing to do the same. However, you would still have to renegotiate the terms of your agreement since it is currently impossible for you to earn a 3.5 (and would be tough for you to earn a 3.4 if that’s the highest you could achieve - that would assume straight As).

12

@juillet ah, you remember from one of my threads two years ago when I was comparing my final choices! My parents were really reluctant to allow me to go 500 miles away, and considering that I’d never been away from them for any extended period of time, understandably so. They wanted to keep me close to home because they wanted to be able to pop in on a moment’s notice. And I was like, “um, no thanks!”

My dad initially imposed this 3.5 rule because he REALLY wants me to attend an Ivy League MBA program. This is an unfortunate drawback of immigrant parents; too often they conflate the American Dream with getting an Ivy degree. They’ve had these expectations of me since I learned to read at the age of 2 (before I could even talk). Both my parents believe I can do it. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s awesome they want me to reach for the stars. But having it be the be-all, end-all is a point of frustration. They’ve also said they wouldn’t mind the likes of NYU Stern for my MBA, but I’d personally rather UNC Kenan-Flagler.

You got the nail on the head with the rest of your comment. While my preference to drop out over leaving UNCW for Rutgers does sound a little drastic (esp because my current school is just as good), it is how I genuinely feel. However, the main focus is the enjoyment I’ve had at UNCW, and how leaving would undo all the success I’ve had so far in college. Not to mention that a transfer to Rutgers would likely have me stay in college at least an extra semester, which would do more to harm my elite MBA chances than anything else. I really like your potential argument ideas.

Thanks for your help!

13

How would a transfer result in an extra semester ? Are your classes not transferable? How do you plan to maintain a B average for the next 2 1/2 years. Your GPA has dropped from 3.3 to 3.15. Classes traditionally get harder not easier typically making maintaining a GPA more difficult . Your GPA has dropped since you have increased involvement in social organizations and clubs. These are all points that your parents have in favor of transfer closer to home. If you truly want to stay at UNCW, you need to be able to answer these questions logically , maturely and unemotionally should they arise.

14

@carolinamom2boys yes, my classes are transferable. The thing is, I don’t know if Rutgers has any hidden BS that I’d have to take. And I’m certainly not planning on applying to transfer, so I wouldn’t find out.

Yes, classes get harder, but I’m done with my business prereqs now. This semester will be only gen-ed classes. I use RMP religiously when registering for classes, and all my professors this semester will be pretty good according to those reviews, so I’m hoping for good things to come from that.

15

@LBad96 I hope you stay at UNC-W, if only because you have been such a great ambassador for that school on CC!
I’d argue that GPA goes up, not down, as students settle in to college and also are increasingly able to take clases they like, in their major. That you are involved in social organizations and clubs is a GOOD thing. Being connected to a school means you are more likely to finish. That may be your best argument with your family, that you love your school and want a degree from UNC-W. (The Rutgers football team is not a good argument). Ultimately, if your folks are paying you may have a tough choice: Rutgers (with them paying) or go where you want and you borrow and pay. It sounds to me the real issue is not tuition dollars but that you are 9 hours from home and loving it, and maybe your family is not loving that independence.

16

@PetulaClark thanks, I appreciate it! I happen to think that my CC activity would sharply decrease in the event of a UNCW departure lol. I agree with you and I thought the previous comment was more than a little cynical. I also agree with you that the Rutgers sports isn’t as much a legitimate argument as it is more of a little thing that would tip the scales. I’d rather pay my own way and borrow more, if need be, at the school of my choice than have my parents pay for me, but send me to a school I don’t like just for the sake of being close to home.

17

Just wondering if your parents went to college? It’s tough to keep grades high in college. It doesn’t seem to me like you are a slacker. I would beg your dad to give you another chance and make it clear how unahppy it will make you to leave a place you love so much. I have a kid in college now, and I have to say that now that she is there, I don’t really care about her grades. I mean, I would care if she was doing badly and partying more than studying, but as long as she gets 80s and 90s with an occasional 70 on somehing, I am okay with it. I think your dad means well, but is being a little draconian.

18

Haven’t you been invited/encouraged to add a minor that will help you in your career? Perhaps you could get your parents to understand how beneficial that would be for you. If your parents put you in the position of having to choose a less rigorous curriculum to preserve your GPA that could work against you in the job market because some employers ask for transcripts. Make sure they understand that.

19

@Lindagaf both my parents went to college, but in their homeland. Thank you for recognizing that I’m not a slacker and that it is tough to keep GPAs from fluctuating up and down. I know my dad means well; I just disagree with his method of negative reinforcement. It’s never worked well for me, ever. I don’t understand why he still uses it tbh. I read your gripping story from last year, i believe your kid is at Kenyon? Hope she’s doing well in her first year :slight_smile:

@austinmshauri you’re correct on that front; my French professor of the last two semesters has encouraged me to minor in French. I’m still deciding, but I’m leaning towards declaring an IB major with the French minor. I don’t think they would make me go with a less rigorous major for the sake of my GPA; in fact, my dad has asked me if I would consider majoring in accounting or finance for the sake of career earnings and such. But they do seem to think it would be beneficial for me to get an MBA straight out of undergrad…

20

@LBad96 - Yes, I did vaguely remember. A kid from NJ who falls in love with UNCW stands out :slight_smile:

Given additional information, here are some other arguments that might help:

  1. If your dad’s reason for you having to keep a 3.5 GPA is to go to a top MBA program…making you transfer to Rutgers really doesn’t make sense. You won’t magically have a 3.5 if you transfer to Rutgers. First of all, any graduate program is going to require your grades from all schools attended. So your 3.15 at UNCW will still exist. Secondly, college students tend to do better when they are happy and satisfied with where they are, and the adjustment period of transferring plus the unhappiness borne of being forced to go somewhere you don’t want to be will likely tank your grades. Or at least, that is the argument you could use.

  2. Tell your parents you totally understand their desire to pop in when needed to check in on you. You’re their child, they love you, and they only want what’s best for you - they want to keep you safe! (It’s important that you first note that you value their concerns and understand them.) However - college has got to be a time when you develop independence. Tell dad - Ivy League MBA programs value applicants who have learned to go their own way and built fierce ambition and independence on their own. UNCW is allowing you to do that at your own pace, at a distance from them so that you have to learn to develop skills to save yourself and take care of yourself without them.

  3. Dad may be surprised to know that the GPAs at top MBA programs aren’t as high as he might think. Most MBAs have class profiles with undergraduate GPAs, and I went and looked at all the Ivies and other top 25 MBA programs.

Harvard: 3.67
Yale: 3.65 (3.31-3.91 middle 80% range)
Dartmouth: 3.5
Columbia 3.5 (3.1-3.9)
Cornell: 3.39

Stanford: 3.73
Northwestern: 3.6
NYU: 3.51 (80% range 3.1-3.87; 100% range 2.51-4.0)
WashU Olin: 3.5
MIT: 3.5
UVa Darden: 3.5
Duke: Middle 80% 3.0-3.83
UNC: 3.4
Emory: 3.4
Vanderbilt: 3.4 (3.3-3.5)
Georgetown: 3.34 (middle 80% 2.88-3.79)
Carnegie Mellon: 3.3
Rice: 3.3

With the exception of just a handful, most of them have average GPAs in the 3.4-3.5 range. Meaning that the range of average accepted student probably goes from a 3.0 to a 4.0. Really, the more important aspects in your business school applications is going to be work experience - the kind you get, where you get it from, how far you progress up the latter. GMAT scores will also be important. But you could still get into a great MBA program with a 3.2-3.3 GPA, an excellent GMAT score and an excellent work history.