<p>Avoid any discussion of their past, present, or future relationship. Other than that, treat her as you’d treat any other friend of your son. Friendly and warm and interested in her.</p>
<p>I would skip all the fancy arrangements for paying. Just say with a smile, “My treat. Next time, it’s your treat.”</p>
<p>Did your son suggest meeting at the restaurant or you? If he suggested he should be the one paying on the other hand if you suggested it then you should pay.</p>
<p>If she likes him, she will like you. I do not think you could embarrass him enough to break up the relationship. If you could, then they were not meant for each other. There is no room in my home for snobby rude people. And the only kind of person who would dump a boyfriend she loved is the snobby kind.</p>
<p>OP here. Only got to spend about 90 minutes with them. They came to the house first for a quick walk through. Then we went to the diner (I had given my son a care package bag with the $$ for the meal so it that was seamless). We ended up talking politics and very light banter. No big personal issues or questions came up. I didn’t want this to be an interrogation. I got pictures of them and she took pictures of me and my son. After our diner meal we headed over to the Dutch Country Market that sells handrolled soft pretzels that my son loves. Then to Rita’s water ice. I guess he’s trying to get all his local favorites in 1 fell swoop.</p>
<p>Now they are off and about. I hope things go well for them. My son has never had a serious girlfriend, therefore he hasn’t lived thru a breakup. I think they look great together and I wish them well. </p>
<p>One day at a time. thanks for all the advice and encouragement.</p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>my sons majors in college were politics and history so he’s very in tune about world issues.</p>
<p>I didn’t ask her who she voted for. We were talking about the middle east and all the turmoil.</p>
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<p>I disagree that “if she likes him, she will like you.” (Well, not the OP specifically, who I am sure is a lovely person, but in general). It’s very possible for a girlfriend not to like her boyfriend’s parents, or for them to embarrass him (and one another) in front of the girlfriend. I think some families have a kind of “hazing” - let’s put the bf / gf through his or her paces and see if he / she can handle us as we are – and I don’t think it’s very nice. </p>
<p>I am wondering why the OP felt she needed advice on how to stay composed? Why wouldn’t it be anything other than a pleasant breakfast or lunch? What “composed” is there? It’s not as though they were announcing they were running away to Australia or having a baby or anything that might engender emotion. </p>
<p>Come on, as adults we should all be able to have a pleasant breakfast / lunch with a “non-controversial” boyfriend or girlfriend. It feels a little “I’m afraid I’m going to be a drama queen” to me, which says “I’m already a drama queen.” I mean, you KNOW that it’s not good to discuss religion or politics or sex or intent-to-have-my-son’s-babies things like that in a first-meet casual conversation - so why even ask?</p>
<p>^ I can understand that someone who is excited about undergoing this experience for the first time with an adult child would be interested in suggestions and support from others who have “been there, done that.” It helps vent the nervous energy. No harm in asking IMO.</p>
<p>Glad it went well – please keep us posted!</p>
<p>well, I only get to see my son face to face once or twice a year.<br>
I’ve never met any of his college friends. Or high school for that matter. He always went to their house but rarely brought people home. </p>
<p>He told me about a couple of his friends from his high school days that were getting married.</p>
<p>So for me, it was a rare opportunity to meet a friend of his, male or female</p>
<p>we both work. He has a life. He has the mentoring program on saturdays during the school year. He has gone to friends houses for holidays. He has no family except for me. Last year at xmas he went to spend time with his roommate in Arkansas and then they spent time in Austin, TX.</p>
<p>During his college years, his campus dorms were open and he worked most of the time.</p>
<p>I don’t think he owes me his undivided attention when he has other things to do and people to see. I hate NYC. I will go for a day, but not much more.</p>
<p>In the past year 2 years, he’s been on 5 work trips (from San Francisco to Barcelona to Chicago), xmas with the roommate, sky diving and a Tough Mudder competition, and the Bonnarroo music festival. He has a life. This is fine with me.</p>
<p>Glad it went well. Can’t even imagine what it would have been like to never have met either of my son’s high school or college friends. That was a great treat to see them with their friends .</p>
<p>So happy for you, Sue. Sounds like a lovely visit!</p>
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<p>Did he have a reason for that? Did he perceive you as the kind who would make a bigger fuss than he was comfortable with?</p>
<p>I may not see him, but we talk about once a week and I follow him on twitter to see what he’s reading, thinking, or if he posts a pic (got one last week with him and coworkers posing with the good humor person who was visiting the offices to see ice cream). I did meet some hs friends, but his socializing and activities were not done in my house (which was my son’s choice. Other kids had more stuff - video games - a driver’s license).</p>
<p>We exchange email, texts, send each other articles we’ve read.</p>
<p>I never met his college friends because he didn’t come home much during those 4 years.
His college campus was open year round (although you had to pay for the summer weeks). He worked. He had to work. It was easier for him to stay in NY. </p>
<p>there was a time in our relationship when he was in high school that we didn’t talk as much and we lived in the same house. </p>
<p>When I say I raised him by myself, I really mean myself ONLY. He never spent any time with his grandparents after the age of 10 except to see them if we went there for dinner. My parents never took him anywhere. My brother lives in Manhattan and my son would visit him 2-3 times a year from the ages of 3 to when he was in hs. There is NO extended family beyond that. </p>
<p>My son went away to camp since he was 7, he was in boy scouts, Civil air patrol.<br>
I did every thing I could to expand his horizons beyond the family unit. </p>
<p>Our relationship may not work for every parent/child, but I’m fine with it. really</p>
<p>^ Happy for you and for your son. Seems fine all around. Better IMO to see each other less frequently but joyfully (and without obligation) when you do.</p>
<p>I admire you for being able to raise an obviously successful young man by yourself, as well as appreciating that he has his own life. Many single parents find it difficult to give their children the breathing space that you did. Bravo.<br>
Enjoy your visit! It sounds like your son is excited to have you meet this young woman. :)</p>
<p>a couple of years ago, CnnMoney website was looking for people to tell their story about
“Jumping off the salary ledge and other pay cut tales” Aug 2011
my story was submitted and published online. I have a link, but won’t post it because it has my full name (I have no problem with that, not sure what mods would say)
Here is the text:</p>
<p>A single mother’s road to economic recovery
Flashback to 1989. I had worked for over eight years in four different jobs as a computer programmer. I was not a college graduate. I left work on October 16 and gave birth to my son the next morning. I knew all along I was going to be a single parent and was prepared to take on the challenge.
Two weeks later, when I went into my office to get my vacation pay and sign up for my eight weeks of disability pay, I was told I did not have a job to return to after my maternity leave (To this day, I don’t know why I lost my job).
On the first working day of 1990, I was in the unemployment line with my 10-week old son. I got 26 weeks of unemployment benefits and paid my health insurance costs through COBRA.
When I left that job, I was earning $32,000 a year. Luckily, I had about $15,000 in savings and no debt. I went on welfare, food stamps, and Medicaid after my unemployment benefits ran out.
In the fall of 1990, I enrolled in a training program to become an office assistant. In March 1991, I went to take the federal civil service test and get on “the list.” I ended up taking a job in June 1991 as a clerk for the Department of Defense, earning a grand salary of around $13,500 a year. My take-home pay was $400 for two weeks of work.
Somehow, I paid the bills. I was able to stay on Medicaid for a year and got assistance with my childcare expenses.
After working for the Department of Defense for about eight months, I applied for a job as a budget assistant within my agency. I got the job and my salary gradually increased over the years. It took me eight years to get back to the salary I earned before I was laid off.
I have been with the government, in the same department for 20 years now and I’m making about $74,000 a year. I get down on my knees and thank God every day for the blessing of this job. It allowed me to send my son to college (he graduated from New York University in May and is employed full time). He knows my story and understands that I have not had it easy.
I bought my first house in January 2002. I have never been in debt despite making little money for many years. My son didn’t have a new toy or new clothes until he was in grade school. I paid cash for my last used car. I clip coupons and shop sales.</p>
<p>Congrats on your grit and hard work. Seems like life is improving for you through your hard work. Glad you and your S have such a great relationship! We only see S a few times/year too. He lives 5000 miles away. May not see D as often now that she’s starting a career 2500 miles away. </p>
<p>I hope one day to meet someone either of them dates. ;-)</p>
<p>sue, you’re fantastic! Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope a lot of people find inspiration in your determination to remain debt free while raising an apparently wonderful child.</p>
<p>DO NOT PAY FOR YOUR SON IN FRONT OF HIS GIRLFRIEND that would be emasculating. BTW, you have it backwards. She’s there to impress you.</p>
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<p>Huh?? (10 char)</p>