Seeking advice for job relocation during empty nest years

Parent Cafe
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<p>I was going to post this in the empty nest thread but here goes. </p>

<p>I was recently approached for an opportunity that would involve relocating to Florida. DH and I had a long discussion and given the job market in Florida, it does not make sense for him to leave his current job and go with me to be unemployed. He also was recently approached for an interesting job he would enjoy, but it would be here in our home state. He is keeping his fingers crossed that he will get this.</p>

<p>Given our youngest will be going away to college the next four years and oldest D is doing her masters abroad, we thought this would be our chance to make a little more money for retirement and do something a little more interesting in our careers before retiring. We are in our early 50’s and married almost 30 years. We, mostly me, passed on a lot of opportunities while the girls were young because we wanted to have a good balance of family time. I don’t regret this. However, now I see myself with a lot of free time. </p>

<p>DH suggested staying at our current home so our daughters will have a place to come home to during the holidays and breaks. I could get an apartment in Florida and they could visit there as well. Of course, I would do monthly and holiday visits back home. We are lucky our mortgage is quite modest since we purchased before the upturn in the mid 2000s. My new position would offer a substantial salary increase and a promotion and I will only do it if the finances work out. I give myself 5 years to be away and hopefully return to another position or consider early retirement from this job and look for something that I would enjoy doing as well but probably at a part time level. </p>

<p>We ran the idea by our daughters and they are upset. They don’t like the idea of mom being away from the home and even suggested that we are getting a divorce and not telling them. Older D might return home after her masters if she cannot get work abroad. I would like to be there for her if she does but then if she finds a job abroad, she would stay there without a second thought. Younger D wants to come home during breaks and have a mom just like older D did. This of course, puts a large guilt trip on me.</p>

<p>I am sure that when our mothers learn about this, we will have a second round of disapprovals. I do feel bad about not being here for my mother, who is in her early 70’s. She lives an hour away. As it is although, we talk every day on the phone we only see each other every couple of months. She is set in her ways and does not like to leave her apartment and come stay with me. The stairs in my home have become harder for her to handle so the sleeping arrangements I can offer downstairs, are not as comfortable. My brother also lives nearby and we take turns seeing her. This is another guilt trip but I could offer her to come stay with me in Florida whenever she likes. Her sister lives nearby. </p>

<p>I am coming here to get unbiased advice. Has anyone done this during the empty nest years? Has it worked out or has it been a disaster. I know everyone’s situation is different but it would be good to hear what I can look forward to. Also, just an opinion or advice in general. </p>

<p>With regards to work. I do enjoy what I do but I know that at my age, opportunities do not come often in this job market. As it is it makes me nervous that I would be the oldest person in that Florida office. </p>

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<p>We have friends…one stayed in the north for job reasons. The other took a great job in Florida. They take long weekends twice a month and travel to see each other. It works for them.</p>

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<p>I have several friends who have successfully done this. One lives in CA while his W lives in HI. Their kids were able to go to CA Us as CA residents. It has been tough for the family but they have made it work. Another couple live in different cities in NM and drive 2-4 hours each way on each weekend to be together. They have discovered the joy of books on tape. </p>

<p>If this works for you and your H, I think it’s good to explore further and see if you can make the finances work. It definitely sounds like it has some interesting and tantalizing possibilities. Your kids don’t yet have the maturity to see that there are many ways for a healthy marriage to work, and this would be an opportunity to show by doing. </p>

<p>If this is important enough for you and H, it can work well. Your kids will likely be more supportive when they realize both you and H think it’s a great opportunity and still love each other. </p>

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<p>Sounds like a good approach would be a 6 month trial period - take the job - rent an apartment in FL and see hiw it goes. There is nothing irreversible here. You can test drive how it works for your family-if you like the job - financially - in terms of visiting - and so forth. Evaluate after 6 months - tweak as needed. If you are not happy - then you resign and move back home.</p>

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<p>Thank you for the replies. It is good to know other people are doing this and it is working out.<br>
I wish I could do a trial but it was made clear that they want someone who will commit long term. If I were to walk away after 6 months, I would lose my credibility internally and then have to look elsewhere. That is not something I want to do at this point.</p>

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<p>Of course they want someone to commit long term! But even if they were hiring locally, there is no guarantee that that person would still be with them after six months. </p>

<p>Your daughters are freaking out because a change is coming. Give them a bit of time to get over themselves, and if they aren’t whiners by nature, they will come around. Then prepare yourself to have college daughter and friends turn up at your Florida apartment for every spring break for the next four years.</p>

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<p>If kids are not home, why couldn’t you visit each other every other weekend so you could be with each other from Fri to Mon morning? I know a lot of couples who only see each other on weekends. Would your new job allow you to work one day a week from home? What about your husband’s new job? A lot of people work from home now. Sometimes a little bit of distance is good. :)</p>

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<p>happymomof1, I am thinking the same thing. Once they figure out they have choices, they might stop complaining.</p>

<p>I am sure we could visit each other twice a month. However, I might be me doing the trekking because of the dogs at home. I have yet to find a reliable/affordable pet sitter so we usually have to kennel them and it gets expensive and cumbersome because of the pick up hours and distance. The dogs don’t seem to mind though. </p>

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<p>I currently have three different friends that have all made these distance arrangements work. All three of them have done this while the kids were/are still in high school or even younger. My feeling is go for it!! One of the three friends just rents a room in a home and it’s a fabulous arrangement for all parties. The empty nest years are a fabulous time to do something like this for yourself! If it were me, I wouldn’t hesitate.</p>

<p>I have a similar but different situation where my H and I are contemplating a move out of state and my youngest would still be in college! If it works out like planned, he will only have his senior year to go…but believe me I’m wrought with guilt too. Somehow it’ll work and the kids will bounce back. Good luck!</p>

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<p>I have a friend who travels for her job and did so for years while her daughters were at home. She would be gone for several weeks at a time. She and her DH are fine…kids were fine. You are talking about doing this when the girls will be out of the house and it’s relatively short-term (as we know 5 years goes fast). I agree with keeping the house! </p>

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<p>We also know couples who have made this kind of arrangement work. Two of these couples have left school-aged children home with one parent—your dogs will be more manageable for your husband! My guess is that your girls will get used to the idea. A close friend of mine negotiated air fares for their college-age kids to travel over breaks, etc. It might be worth a try with your company so your Ds could get to know your area on the company’s dime. </p>

<p>{Travel in and out of FLA is easy. Will you be on a SW Airlines route? If so, get their credit card. Their miles accumulate quickly.}</p>

<p>It seems only fair for you to get some time to pursue your career interests…Children don’t always get the sacrifices we make for them. I understand it was your choice and your pleasure, but they need you less (in a different way) now so you should be able to do this without ‘mom guilt’ weighing you down! Five years will go quickly!</p>

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<p>DH & I were based on different locations, about 4-5 hours apart, for about 5 years. It worked, I did fine with it, DH found it more stressful. Just personality. Yes, people do think you are getting a divorce. I had a friend doing something similar who did go on to get a divorce. I did find absence made the heart grow fonder, but you have to be prepared to really work at it& make the relationship a true priority.</p>

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<p>Thank you for all the input, advice and suggestions. It actually makes me feel a little better.</p>

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<p>Change is hard. Our daughters would probably react the same way. Heck, I would probably react the same if my parents had suggested this to me at their age. It’s different. It’s not the norm.</p>

<p>Keep talking to them. They need time to assimilate the information. </p>

<p>I commend you for thinking outside of the box. You need to keep your sights on retirement, as you are. That’s something the younger generation can’t identify with yet. But with more discussion, you can help them.</p>

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<p>Where I work (as gov contractor) there are many geographic bachelors (both men and women) who took jobs that were available in order to keep a standard of living. Their homes are in general a few hundred miles to a couple thousand miles away, and they would go home every few weeks or months depending on the situation. </p>

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<p>NoVADad 99 Interesting term: geographic bachelors… </p>

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<p>We’ve done this. Daily calls help. Travel can get old, but it can work.</p>

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<p>NoVA , term not to be confused with geographic cure.</p>

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<p>I have a friend whose husband took a job a 6 hour plane ride away. It was very stressful for them, and there was a lot of ill feeling.</p>

<p>After a year she took the hit career-wise and moved to join her husband. They were not happy with a long distance relationship.</p>

<p>So it depends on whether you think you can be happy seeing your spouse for a few days a month. I’m not sure I would be.</p>

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<p>notrichenough. I agree it is not for everyone and we won’t really know until we try it. That said, I do travel often for work and usually gone for at least a week at a time. DH is usually busy with his work after dinner and on Saturday’s completing reports for clients and such. I think we are already mostly doing our own thing but it is nice to have a companion easily accessible and agree travel can get old.</p>