Seeking advices from Mom who has teen D

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My DD is well regarded by the people outside of the family. I could say this because she has received several nominations for community service awards. All the teachers in her HS love her and speak very warmly about her being respectful and polite.</p>

<p>It is rather different in our house. She has a thing with her Mom and refuses to carry any conversation with her. It is getting worse and DD is saying she will not come back home once she is in college. DD will talk to me and dicsuss college things with me to certain degree. </p>

<p>Is this a normal behavior of a teenage D with their Mom?</p>

2

<p>Oh my, yes.</p>

3

<p><em>cringing at my own adolescent behavior</em></p>

<p>Unfortunately, yes. Not uncommon.</p>

4

<p>Why is my daughter living in your house?</p>

<p>Seriously, though, thankfully they know how to conduct themselves appropriately, but they act out all the adolescent angst at home where it’s safe. My pet theory is that it’s only a problem if they can’t handle themselves in public.</p>

5

<p>It can be. My 20 year-old went through this in high school. I changed my reactions to her and our relationship changed for the better. Girls who identify closely with their moms often need to break away completely, and feel confidence in their adulthood, in order to become their own person. </p>

<p>Mom needs to allow D’s independence and praise and respect her for it. The time of criticism and judgement really needs to be put away. Of course, the expectations of behavior don’t have to change completely. Breaking of important rules can still result in punishment (e.g. breaking curfew can take away privileges), but mom really has to show respect to D during this time. </p>

<p>My D made a complete turn-around once we let her be her own adult and we showed that we are proud of her. When someone used to say she was just like her mom, she would cringe; now she smiles. We always tell her she’s the “new improved version.”</p>

<p>One other part of this: during my D’s rough time, she was not allowed to be rude to me. We had an agreement- we both had to show respect.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

6

<p>Yes, this is normal behavior.</p>

<p>The most important thing to remember is that this is a phase. This will pass. It may take a while, but eventually most kids grow out of it. </p>

<p>However – if your wife assumes that this behavior is permanent, and doesn’t recognize the change when it happens, and doesn’t change her own reactions when your daughter does grow out if it, then there might be problems. This happened to me, and my husband. Our relationships with our parents soured when we were in high school or college, our parents assumed it was a permanent situation, and (making a long story short), the relationship was never able to be resurrected. </p>

<p>I remind myself of this frequently. “This, too, shall pass.”</p>

7

<p>Dad II, it can be hard work to maintain a good relationship with a teenage daughter. I think I have been extremely fortunate to get a daughter as good natured as mine, but blow-ups, melt downs, unreasonable resentments, refusal to consider parents’ viewpoints, etc. are not infrequent. I don’t have any fear that it is a permanent situation, however, because those moods are short-lived.</p>

<p>I feel a bit compelled, however, to add a word of warning. We have good friends who have been heart-broken for years about their daughter’s refusal to get along with her mother, starting at about age 12. They always expected that the situation would resolve itself, but it has not. Now a college sophomore, she has made good on her threat not to come home. My friends speak with wonder that daughter agreed to come visit them for one week over winter break, and that the visit went “OK”. </p>

<p>So, I guess I would suggest that your wife try to find out what is at the root of the problem and address it, before the situation becomes permanent.</p>

<p>Another thought: if the problem has just arisen since the beginning of the college search/application process, perhaps it will pass once the stress of the college search is over.</p>

8

<p>“Is this a normal behavior of a teenage D with their Mom?”</p>

<p>This is not uncommon behavior. But it’s also rude, and causes stress, anger and unpleasantness for all concerned.
Would it be possible for you and your wife to set some ground rules? Such as: people in the family have to respond civilly to each other, have to interact with basic consideration and manners. So, if your wife asks daughter: “How was your day”, D has to respond at least politely; If your daughter asks mom: “Could you drive me to the mall”, Mom has to respond politely (“Sure” or “Sorry, can’t schedule it in today, maybe tomorrow” or “If you can cook dinner/fold the laundry/rake the leaves (whatever), it will free up enough of my time so I can take you”. But the Mom’s response should not be prefaced by moralizing, or lesson-giving. And the quid-pro-quo offered should NOT be about things that are already ‘owned’ by your daughter, for which she is (or should be) responsible already. So NOT, “I’ll take you to the mall if you do 3 SAT practice tests first.” She’s not 5 anymore.) The polite/civil approach will work best if your wife can get herself to stifle any critical comments about clothes, personal appearance, perceived character flaws and academic performance. Believe me, by now your daughter knows what your wife’s standards are and whether she does or does not live up to them. In fact, most likely your daughter has already internalized those standards. Would your wife be willing to abide by these rules as well? It’s a different parenting style than I think she has in mind, but perhaps she has to compromise a bit here.</p>

<p>So, in short, it is a normal behavior of a teen and their Mom, but it is not pleasant or healthy and (probably) can be improved. Your wife is probably worried about ensuring maximum success for your daughter, and thinks she can help fix whatever flaws she perceives…in reality, by the time your daughter is a high school junior, that ship has pretty much sailed. And judging by her reputation at school, she probably doesn’t need much ‘fixing’ anyway. Perhaps one of your contributions to resolving the tension could be telling your wife all the reasons why she shouldn’t worry, and pointing out to her that your daughter is a great kid and is doing well.</p>

<p>So, in short, it is possible to insist on a respectful attitude from daughter IF your wife is willing to back off a bit (or a lot) from criticizing/micromanaging. Where is the love, you might ask? Probably there all along, and giving your daughter a little distance now will probably help her feel it, and be able to act on it, which in the end is what you and your wife want. Right?</p>

<p>Alternately, you could look into family therapy. I am not a therapist, and don’t play one on TV, but I have had to take a close look at my own expectations/worries/parenting style (I’m an immigrant too) in order to figure out how to keep communications open with some of my kids, who can sometimes really get my goat, even though they are regarded as polite, responsible and successful by other adults who know them.</p>

<p>(I may be totally misunderstanding yr wife/daughter dynamic, in which case just ignore…)</p>

9

<p>memake, thanks.</p>

<p>BTW, are you staying in a Holiday inn?</p>

<p>My DW tends to nagging a little more than I do in a very loving amnner. “Why do you put on more cloth, it is cold outside” she would suggest to DD. </p>

<p>I had a big arguement with DD when she decided to do a stage crew job rather then working on her SAT II preparation. After that, I come to the conclusion that as long as what DD is doing is legal and does not hurt any one, I am going to let her do everything her way. When she is in college miles away, I woudl have not control any way.</p>

10

<p>It is a very difficult situation but it sounds pretty normal to me. My kids were also very well liked by their teachers and other adults, but gave me a hard time at times :wink: I always comforted myself by saying that it would be much worse if they were angels at home, and I was getting reports from teachers and other adults about them being rude trouble-makers outside of the home!</p>

11

<p>A book which might help (it sure helped me during those times), and the title sums it up pretty well: “Get Out of My Life, but First Can You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?”</p>

<p>It explains a lot!</p>

12

<p>The title of that book is really funny!!!</p>

13

<p>I was talking about this issue with a friend. I had complimented her on her son and how fantastic he was with younger children. She replied that he was a challenge at home and it was great “that he traveled well”. As mentioned above I also think it’s the behavior outside the house that is much more indicative of where my kids are.</p>

14

<p>No, I’m not staying in a Holiday Inn. Why???</p>

15

<p>hmmmm…this is when DAD needs to step in and say that Ds behavior in the FAMILY is not acceptable…it doesn’t matter if D isn’t rude to the Dad…she is rude to the both of you by being rude to one</p>

<p>I have a policy- you don’t have to sit and chat with me, but you better not be rude and childish and bratty</p>

<p>Mom needs to see what she is doing as well</p>

<p>But to me, seperating oneself from parents doesn’t need to include rude snooty behavior</p>

16

<p>memake, DadII is referring to those ads where people become experts after staying at a Holiday Inn. It was a compliment!</p>

17

<p>I am not sure what is the dynamic at your house- but at my house the mom ( me) is the one in charge of health care/chores/homework/ pretty much the major stuff.
This presents more opportunity for conflict
While dad is the one who has free time to take her snowboarding, fishing etc.
Of course if it was up to me, I would take her snowboarding, but I would see if she had homework first.
If she did, then no snow.
However- dad will just ask as he is halfway down to the mountain " BTW, are you done with your homework?.. Sure… Great! "
:wink:
If it is more common for mom to be the disciplinarian, or if you have a softer style, that may be where the animosity towards her mom comes from.</p>

<p>Ive also noticed that with my younger daughter- I have a lot of personality similarities. Retreat when stressed- non communicative-need a lot of alone time.
However- this seems to make it more difficult to get on the same bandwidth- I want her to be " a new improved version of me" :rolleyes:</p>

<p>What you can do and what will help your daughter- is listen- don’t patronize her- but keep in mind that she will probably eventually go back to more acceptable behavior in a few months ( or a year or two)-
let her complain about her mom- but don’t take sides ( or side with your wife)- also let your daughter know that you realize that senior year is hard- and she may just be taking things out on the person she feels safest with.</p>

<p>Also support your wife- this is pretty hard on her.
I know it is hard on me to see my own daughter be so frustrated and angry.
She even took the doorknob off her door yesterday so I couldn’t open it and interupt her.</p>

18

<p>One of my hs daughters doesn’t talk to me at all; the other one talks to me when she wants money for stuff, which is several times a day.</p>

19

<p>Oh, thanks for the Holiday Inn explanation/compliment!</p>

<p>DadII, it sounds like your wife will also in time come to understand that backing off from questioning every decision is wisest. Just talk to her about it (privately) – also, ask her what she hopes to accomplish with the critical comments – even something innocent like “Why don’t you put on a warmer outfit” – at this point probably sounds like straight-out criticism to your daughter. I mean, is there an answer to that question that your wife would accept, short of your daughter turning around and changing her clothes? No, I thought not. Then, don’t bother asking UNLESS (1)you have the power and intention of enforcing a clothing change (by the way, I don’t think this is a good idea when the issue is temperature-appropriateness) or (2) yr daughter won’t take this as criticism but will take it as a reminder from someone less absent-minded, who is looking out for her interest, that she will be happier with a warmer sweater. </p>

<p>Your daughter and wife hopefully will come to communicate in that less-loaded way with time (where asking “Why don’t you do x/y/z” doesn’t just mean and sound like “DO x/y/z!” ) Don’t forget the other part of the great bargain, your daughter doesn’t get to be rude to your wife. And refusing to engage in standard conversation with your mother is rude and disrespectful.</p>

20

<p>

Agree 100%.
This is not “normal” in my house! D is not perfect, by any means, but she would never refuse to have conversations with me. Yes, teens can be moody & hormonal at times, but lack of basic respect like this just wouldn’t be tolerated. Step in and tell her how you expect her mother to be treated. Certainly you can diplomatically speak to your wife (in private) about not pushing hot buttons, too. And perhaps you could view your own behavior toward your wife – are you treating her with respect at all times? Backing your wife up on decisions, or at least telling D when there is a clash, “Your mom & I will talk the situation over?” Sometimes without realizing it, we are giving the wrong message to our kids.</p>