Seeking Companions for the Vigil

Parent Cafe
1741

<p>:: reloads the Automatic Mimosa Dispenser ::</p>

<p>:: stacks muffins ::</p>

<p>:: checks supply of eggs, bacon, potatoes, and doughnuts ::</p>

<p>:: yeah, yeah, the fresh fruit and yogurt and cottage cheese and oatmeal and cereal bar gets attention, too! ::</p>

<p>Good morning, all!</p>

<p>kitkat, what kind of relationship does your ex have with your S? How can that relationship possibly be helped with this “no help” stance?! Amazes me, that. I’m sorry you’re going through that.</p>

<p>I sent my exH a long email yesterday. (I’m sure you all are shocked, just shocked, that I wrote anything long… :smiley: ) It had a “short” component (“you might want to look here for information on college finances, including financial aid” followed by a URL), and then a long message, below my signoff, about things collegiate, including the changes in college admissions, philosophy of financing, strategies, possibilities for any merit money and colleges that provide it to certain groups, FAFSA, PROFILE, move some of your cash into a retirement vehicle (if he plans to be part of the college financing thing), don’t put money in S’s name, the first “base year,” and so on.</p>

<p>I’m betting he won’t read the long component. I’ve told him flat out that I worry about their relationship should exH not support the college endeavor.</p>

<p>Okay now, I’m off to drink coffee; much needed this AM.</p>

<p>As always! :)</p>

1742

<p>KitKat - You should call so you can hear for yourself what those jokers have to say. It’s ridiculous that you’ve spent all your time investigating the options and they give and answer to someone else and NOT you!!</p>

1743

<p>kitkat - So very sorry to hear about the not-too-considerate FA folks (I’m being generous here). I’m sorry, too, that your exH is a non-contributing parent monetarily but seems to have his own views on which college your S should attend. I am with acme; you are actually handling this so graciously, it’s admirable. Me? Watch out exH (no exH here, though) and I’ll be hanging out by owlice’s automatic mimosa dispenser, stuffing my face with muffins, et al.</p>

1744

<p>mountains, the spare Automatic Mimosa Dispenser can be turned into an Automatic Goo Dispenser. And aimed. Accurately.</p>

<p>Soooooo, kitkat, where might one find your exH? :D</p>

1745

<p>Yeah – where can we find him??? Hell hath no fury like a CC Mom who’s CC Friend has been messed with. I’m getting the itching powder out – Owlice, are ya with me?? ;)</p>

1746

<p>kit-kat and owlice: I’ve been following your sagas, and I don’t know what else to say that hasn’t been said. I must add that I, too, admire the maturity and equanimity with which you seem to face these formidable and unjust challenges. The best I can do is send you each a very big hug to go along with your morning muffins and mimosas :slight_smile: and let you know I am pulling for you!</p>

1747

<p>Hi all!<br>
Kitkat I hope your S adjusts to his second choice and loves it there. A boy from our town will be attending there in the fall–very bright kid, into musical theatre. Good luck!</p>

<p>I thought divorced parents were still on the hook financially if S or D attends college, or does that vary by state?</p>

1748

<p>Oh, and I forgot to say, Dear, Dear D has decided to attend Smith!!! Oberlin feels too far away, Bowdoin is not strong enough in music, ditto Bates & Colby. We could visibly see her mood lifting as she made her decision. She went to the piano and began playing to beat the band!! Whew!!! The tension has been intense for so long, I won’t know what to do with myself with it lifting!</p>

1749

<p>wedgedrive – my daughter will see yours there! I raise my coffee mug to two of the newest Smithies!</p>

1750

<p>Wedgedrive,
Congrats! Now your D knows who to ask for as a lab partner!! :slight_smile:
Kitkat,
Seems like your S will know now that it’s your exH, not you, who kept him out of that school. Not necessarily good for their relationship, but you fulfilled YOUR promise to your S to do everything you possibly could. I’m sure your S will pick up on your wonderful attitude and go to have a terrific four years.</p>

1751

<p>

Why, you’ll be posting more on CC of course! Congrats to your D on choosing Smith. It seems to be a very popular choice, and for good reason. (wasn’t a good fit for my S, though)</p>

<p>Kitkat, I hope everything settles out and that your S can have some certainty about his destination for this fall. I’m sure he’ll do well, whereever he lands, but I know you want to have it finalized.</p>

<p>Jym626 - The renovations we saw Main undergoing were in the summer of 2006. I don’t know what they were doing, but there was a big display along the construction barrier recounting the history of the building, if I recall correctly. In any case, I’m sure they are long since finished.</p>

1752

<p>wedgedrive, the divorced parent paying for college is, I think, state specific. In NH, I know a law was passed that you CAN’T force a divorced parent to pay. The case that created it was that the mom wanted the child to go to ExpensivePrivateSchool and dad said he’d pay for StateU. Mom took Dad to court to get him to pay ExpensivePrivateSchool tuition, and Dad won, using the rationale that if he and mom were still married, the courts couldn’t force them to pay, so how could the courts force him to pay now? </p>

<p>Frankly, I can see both sides of the issue, and unfortunately I have to come down on the side of not making the parent pay. My husband and I both have children from a prior marriage, and we both have ex-spuoses, so while I’d LOVE to be able to <em>make</em> my ex pay for college, I’d hate to have the courts tell my current husband what he (and therefore I) would have to pay.</p>

1753

<p>You betcha, university!!</p>

<p>je<em>ne</em>, actually, my exH is a good guy. He just doesn’t “get” some things, and yeah, has his own ideas that are (sometimes markedly) different from mine, but overall, he is a good guy. I really don’t know what he’ll do about college expenses. I think he might come up with some money, but because he hasn’t said boo about it, and knows nothing about the cost of college these days (so far as I can discern, anyway), I am not going to assume he’ll be there financially. I <em>can’t</em> assume that, because without numbers, his saying something, etc., I can’t plan. And I’ve got to plan, because I just don’t have the money to not plan, and I just cannot leave this up to someone, anyone, else.</p>

<p>ExH is there for teacher conferences, back to school nights, gets on the kid about homework, talks to the kid and really tries to understand him and help him. We share custody and talk almost daily, and we back each other up, a lot.</p>

<p>So, I have to say that I have it pretty easy; when we divorced, I was determined to have at least a good working relationship with my ex. It wasn’t always easy to get here, but S is better off this way; he doesn’t have to feel that he is in the middle, that we are fighting over him or through him, or that we can’t be in the same room together.</p>

<p>When I bake a cake to celebrate something – S’s grades or the end of school or whatever – I invite his dad to join us. Sometimes he does. I’ll also invite him to dinner occasionally, either at home or out with us. Or for ice cream… and so on. And when S was away at camp a couple of summers ago, I was glad that his dad and I went to see fireworks together (something we’d always enjoyed when we were dating/married), as S called and got to talk to both of his parents in the same phone call. :)</p>

<p>So if exH doesn’t help with college, I will regret that, and feel bad for S, and, occasionally, might be angry about it, but really, I can’t do much about it, so … make my plans accordingly, and though it might not truly be enough, it’ll be the best I can manage. S will be able to go to college. Might not be away, might be State U, but… he’ll be able to go.</p>

<p>Would be nice if he got his grades up, though, to increase his options!</p>

1754

<p>Congrats to your D, wedge, on Smith! Yay!!!</p>

1755

<p>Thanks everyone again - you all are so supportive!</p>

<p>Ok - I will spill the beans. Looks like he will be going to CMU. I think he is very happy about the decision and there are alot of very positive factors for him there. In many ways, it is an ideal fit (over-achiever school, good athletic program, and he is already in the program he wants academically). </p>

<p>Re ex hubby and the financial dynamics. It does vary by state. Our state says only responsible until 18. Ex hubby has chosen not to help pay anything after that. My kids are great kids - they understand that he IS their dad and they work hard at accepting him for what he is and trying hard not to accept him for what he is not. This was not new or unexpected, so that is a blessing. With my older child, it was much more of an unpleasant surprise.</p>

<p>Now here is the funny thing…he suggested to my son last night that he take a GAP semester or year. Not “settle” HUH??? HUH??? And reapply next year (the details as to where he should reapply are a bit fuzzy and quite frankly even as to WHY that would be a remotely appropriate suggestion). I then found out he suggested the same thing to #1 son when #1 did not get into ex hubby’s preferred school. Both kids absolutely scoffed at the idea. These are kids who had CHOICES - at least 5 offers in hand - and he wants them to SIT OUT???</p>

<p>Congrats to our Smithies!!!</p>

<p>I love this site!</p>

1756

<p>Regarding relationships with ex hubby - I do whatever I can to make it easier on the kids. My ex is in a different state - but on the very rare occasions that I see him, I make a point of being friendly and gracious. There is nothing to be gained by being otherwise, and all it does is make the kids uncomfortable.</p>

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<p>kitkat, congrats on CMU!!! Yay!!</p>

1758

<p>Smith? CMU? Wow! All these kids are going to great places! Congrats all!</p>

<p>A funny aside about Smith: D and two of her friends at Barnard had dads who all wanted them to go to Smith. Guess they thought they’d be safer there. They called it the Daddy school. That doesn’t mean that Moms didn’t love it. They do! I love Smith. D loved Barnard, but I must say, that for her, it was the better choice. I do think Smith’s endowment helps them to do more for their women, but then NYC and Columbia were there for D. Not too shabby!</p>

<p>But I digress.</p>

<p>Kitkat: You’re a classy lady.</p>

<p>Owlice: Congrats on a mensch ex-H and a dreamy H. You won the lottery, girl.</p>

<p>Ah, divorced fathers and money. Well, I have an H who doesn’t pay anything for college. Lost all the money in his business just before he’d have to. Sigh. I don’t think it’s an accident.</p>

<p>He does do laundry and dishes so I can go out and earn more money. What a guy.</p>

<p>Yeah, he is earning money, but just enough to pay back debts. A lot of debt.</p>

<p>Oh well, as Kitkat says, nothing to be gaining from behaving badly. (But can’t say I didn’t on occasion.) And as Owlice said, the bottom line is that they are both in schools they love. (FA made it schools I really couldn’t afford to pay on my own.)</p>

<p>Kitkat: I have grown into quite a Pollyanna about college placement. I really do believe that CMU and not the other school must be best for your son in ways not evident. I know it’s a great school. Ask mathmom. Her son loves it there. (Chose over Harvard.) (See that jnsq?)</p>

1759

<p>wedgedrive - Yes, Colby is NOT strong in music. Even the theater prof that took us around said so, and he hopes that changes.</p>

<p>kitkat - Congratulations on your S’ choice. </p>

<p>Those with exH’s - I have nothing but great admiration for all of you for doing the best you can with a difficult situation. I have very good friends who are still fighting it out after being divorced for 4 years, and unfortunately, do use the kids as their “weapons.” Their D has decided to attend a college in a faraway state to get away from it all.</p>

1760

<p>mountains, I have a friend who is still bitter about his divorce 20+ years after it happened! That strikes me as nuts, frankly. What a waste of energy and passion!</p>