<p>I think there are two strategies that make a big difference-making sure that teens get enough sleep and encouraging them to volunteer to help others. My opinion is that some teen behavior is explained by their lack of adequate sleep. I also think it’s hard to stay self-centered when you are serving others, especially the truly needy.</p>
<p>“My opinion is that some teen behavior is explained by their lack of adequate sleep” - Yes!</p>
<p>Give me strength. My son has been silent and self absorbed all week. He usually gets this way when he is disappointed in test performance. It is best to feed him, leave him alone, but still expect him to do his regular chores. I say hello and goodbye with a smile on my face and try to respect his space. It isn’t easy.</p>
<p>My older D went through a haughty phase Soph/Junior year, where while not OPENLY disrepectful (I wouldn’t stand for that) she was not really pleasant and sweet and sunny as she always had been. This occurred at the same time that I was teaching her to drive, and we spent a lot of time in the car. She would answer me if I directly brought up a subject, but generally wouldn’t chit chat. I attributed that partly to her needing to concentrate. One day we drove to pick up a younger sibling and had to wait for 10-15 minutes. I brought up several topics of conversation only to hit dead ends and a bit of attitude.</p>
<p>Are you mad at me or what? I finally asked. What’s going on?
The cloud lifted for a second. Mom, she said. It’s not about you. It’s just me. Really.
I could see she meant it, and that she wasn’t really trying to be mean to me. She was doing the best she could I think, and developmentally needed to separate from our close mom/child relationship a bit.</p>
<p>She had a lot of sorting out to do as it turned out. I think she had to go through that phase to figure some things out that were central to her life plans. And she needed to do it on her own. She came out of the phase, and we are very close. (but not too close–ie, I don’t call her professors or intervene in her private life, etc)</p>
<p>I agree though with those who insist on maintaining a level of courtesy.</p>
<p>“My opinion is that some teen behavior is explained by their lack of adequate sleep” - Yes!</p>
<p>As a parent of two teens as well as a high school teacher, I need to expand this to say that MY lack of adequate sleep on any given day makes a HUGE difference in how I react to my teens both at home and at school.
Also, (and I forget this more often at home than at work) the best advice I received in my new teacher training was that teens are emotional beings and that the worst way to react is by responding in an emotional manner. This serves to escalate the issue rather than diffuse it. Remaining calm (which doesn’t necessarily equate to agreeing or even humoring the behavior) can usually lead to a better outcome. If a teen (like their adult counterparts) feels like they are at least being heard it can take the heat out of their anger.</p>
<p>amroy67, good advice.</p>
<p>My son has now graduated from college, but in his senior year of high school, his teacher/coach e-mailed me that my kid had been disrespectful; had come to a before school practice that was usually happening but the teacher was too busy and my kid just expected to own this guy’s time. I was pretty upset, because this was a favorite teacher and someone I’d come to know well after years of road trips, etc. I thought he must have misinterpreted what my son said, but when he got home and we talked, I realized he actually did think he owned this teacher’s time. Unbelievable! But then he won the state championship for the team, so his slate was wiped clean.</p>
<p>Hi, I completely understand you at this point. Even though I’m not a parent I think I’ve seen enough of self-centered teens for a lifetime, thank you very much, and to be honest I have the same opinion as you on this issue. But don’t despair; it is a phase, as everyone becomes conscious of reality (that the world does not revolve around them) at some point, just sometimes at different times. Perhaps you could do something to help her realize that she’s not the center of the world; like if she doesn’t have a job yet, allow her to get a job and realize that things can get difficult sometimes (like the earning of money), and that real life is no crystal stair. At any rate, I wish the best for you and your daughter. :)</p>
<p>Part of a parent’s responsibility in raising children is to teach them that there are two types of teenagers: those who have parents that pay their monthly cell phone bill and those who pay their own cell phone bill.</p>
<p>There is hope. My oldest (19 this month) seems to have returned to human. It is a pleasure to talk to him. </p>
<p>Today is ACT day. S (16) asked me last night if I was going to wake him up and I said “No. You need to wake yourself up but I will be up to make sure you are set for the test.” That was the entire conversation. He went to bed. I went to bed.</p>
<p>Fast forward to this morning. He wakes up and I ask him if he wants some eggs before his test. He spits out “Why are you being so nice today when you were so mean about waking me up?” I am still scratching my head on that one.</p>
<p>Sleep contributes great amounts of self centerdness! GREAT Amounts…</p>
<p>Saying self centered teen is like saying “sweet sugar.” The two words practically mean the same thing! LOL</p>
<p>And of course, she still needs you. Just because this is a normal phase does not mean that you should just let it go. Parent her, tell her what she is doing wrong and why and whatever else.</p>
<p>I agree that a certain amount of self-centeredness is completely normal for a teen. They are going through a lot of changes - emotionally and psychologically. The world (for them at least) revolves around them and their issues. Parents, in their minds, are just here to 1) prevent them from doing everything they want to do and 2) paying for everything. I tried to avoid the worst of it by a) letting them make as many of their own decisions as possible and b) making them pay for most of their activities and purchases. </p>
<p>But, every teen is going to have “moments” - some moments just last longer than others. Hugs to everyone going through those moments.</p>
<p>A couple of things helped here with my 16yo - she is at her worst when she is tired. This winter she’s in no outside activities and a couple days a week she comes home, has a snack and naps for an hour or so after school. She has so much homework, such an extremely active social life she just gets overwhelmed.</p>
<p>She also seemed to think she knew everything while she had her permit. When she got her license suddenly she got the responsibility of it all, she was a little nervous driving and suddenly the I know everything has flown out the window.</p>
<p>I don’t get emotionally involved when she gets “like that”. She generally will go off to herself when she is, but other times she is as needy of my attention as she was when she was a toddler. So I am open when she needs extra mom love.</p>
<p>And finally - when she acts entitled or snotty or obnoxious - I either call her on it right away like I did when she tried to whine as a toddler - I can’t hear you when you talk in that tone to me. Or I do the I feel … when you…</p>
<p>And lastly, sometimes you need to just keep your mouth shut, don’t engage right then and let them work it out.</p>
<p>After reading this thread, I think I figured out a perfect bday present for my mom.</p>
<p>An apology for all my teen angst I put her through in high school.</p>
<p>Things will eventually be fine.</p>
<p>My kid made drastic improvements in the four months since he went off to college, which have been noticed by a lot of people.</p>
<p>My oldest was insufferable from 16-20, then magically became nice again at age 21. He is 23 now, and just the most enjoyable person. My 19 year old daughter went through her most trying years earlier. She still has moments, and is extremely self-centered at times, but is emerging from it. My 17 year old is mostly insufferable. He used to be the sweetest person! </p>
<p>I work in a high school with students all day long. Even with my favorite students, I see sometimes how they revert to acting obnoxious or slightly rude when their parents come in. One thing I do take heart in: the kids who act up at home are usually the nicest ones to their friends, teachers and other adults. The ones who have to act perfect all the time at home are usually the ones making their teachers tear their hair out. As my oldest once said to me, when I queried him about why he reserved his worst behavior for us when his teachers and his friends’ parents consistently said how nice he was - “It’s a big effort to act that way all the time. I have to let it out somewhere!”</p>
<p>Consider it a compliment to good parenting and a necessary phase of breaking away that she feels comfortable enough to let you see her bad side. That said, I always still call my son out on extremely rude or thoughtless behavior, and make him take the garbage out. As one poster said previously, try to do it without engaging your emotions or anger. You are still modeling and teaching for them, and they are still learning. Yes, she will emerge from it. You will survive. And someday, as it happened with my oldest, she may flabbergast you by calling you up and asking for your advice or feedback. My son does that all the time now. I feel honored.</p>
<p>Agree with several of the posts. Kids go through many stages which are “normal.” However, it is our job to correct behavior, which though “age appropriate” is not okay. Many toddlers refuse to share…they have to be corrected…some go through a biting stage…again, must be addressed.</p>
<p>My kids did not get a pass either with selfish behavior. It was usually best addressed at a later, calmer time, but it was addressed. And at no time was disrespectful speech or behavior ever tolerated in our home.</p>
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<p>Also very true of D2. I would never engage when she was that exhausted. I would say “You are extremely tired, and you know how you get when you are this exhausted. We’ll deal with this later after you have had some rest.”</p>
<p>Ah, it’s so easy to roll your eyes at your parents when you know that in your mere 15-18 years on this earth that you know absolutely EVERYTHING…until you live long enough to realize that not only do you not, but that your parents may not have been as stupid as you originally thought.</p>
<p>I really wish people wouldn’t stereotype teenagers like this. I never went through a self centered “phase”…</p>
<p>It’s your parenting, I am sorry to tell you. Get tougher and make sure your child knows they won’t get away with it.</p>
<p>Source? I am a 17 year old running a non profit where I educate parents of middle school aged children about the pressures of high school, as well as host seminars for 6th and 7th graders about the danger of peer pressure, substance abuse, and high school in general.</p>