<p>As the parent of children who are now adults, I look back and cannot imagine having sent them away to boarding school. Convince me that, for some children (not all, of course), the benefits of a boarding school outweigh the negatives, such as being away from their family.</p>
<p>Thanks.</p>
<p>For some children, being away from their family is a positive.</p>
<p>^I agree. I’ve always been independent, and even at home I don’t like other people looking over my shoulder all the time.</p>
<p>And anyway, it’s not like my parents will vanish by the time I get back or anything… There’s plenty of time later.</p>
<p>More course offerings, more diversity, more arts, etc. than local semi-rural school
Surrounded by other kids who also are dedicated students - It’s okay to be smart? What a concept!
Your child can pursue their interests without spending an hour or more being schlepped around in a car wasting time that could be spent more productively
Teachers who help foster a love of learning (yes they exist in public school but are often not the norm)
Being able to learn in an atmosphere where classes are small - no where to hide, socratic method, teachers not overwhelmed with teaching WAY to many kids
Learning to think, discuss, not rote memorization, lecture type learning</p>
<p>I guess it depends on what local options you have - for some it is limited.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have already made up your mind. With this in mind, I will try to shed some light on it.
<p>I count among my friends and acquaintances many boarding school graduates. Almost all count the experience as the best time of their lives. When I go to parties of boarding school graduates, I will usually meet old classmates with whom they went to boarding school decades ago (for whatever reason, this is especially true of Deerfield graduates). For many, the close and lifetime friendships are even stronger than college ties. </p>
<p>I have an only child. When he was young, people would ask me if he would go to boarding school. It’s not that uncommon where I live. I thought they were crazy to even ask me as I was not about to give up my only. As time went by, it became to apparent to me that it would be a good environment for him. When he became interested, I supported it. Last year was his first year at boarding school, and he told me that it was the happiest year of his life. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s for everyone, nor for every family. However, for many it is a wonderful opportunity that helps shape a young life in a positive way.</p>
<p>creative1: “It’s ok to be smart…what a concept.” Question: Can one be “smart” without going to a boarding school? Also, what ever happened to parents as role models? How can a parent be a role model when the child isn’t even around his/her parents the majority of time?</p>
<p>How does a boarding school child develop his/her parenting skills… by using the headmaster or counselor at his/her boarding school as the role model of what a parent should be? No thanks!</p>
<p>Also, doesn’t a child miss having his parents around when he needs a shoulder to cry on, or a hug (not over the phone) when he accomplishes something great? How about being there to give the child a kiss goodnight and to tell them that you love them? And not by phone or e-mail!</p>
<p>There’s no substitute for having the parent actually there. Yes, a headmaster or counselor is interested in your child, but not in a “parental” sort of way. </p>
<p>Learning is a lifelong process, it doesn’t stop at the age of 22, 45, or 75. Especially with today’s technology (online courses, Internet, etc.).
Is learning so important that we take a child away from his/her parents and siblings to send him/her to a place where he/she can become an “expert” in something like art, music, writing, etc.? Children who are not sent to boarding school are accomplishing the same things, academically and professionally, as non-boarding school kids.</p>
<p>A child has only one family, while educational opportunities will abound throughout a child’s life. Give the child an opportunity to be among his parents and siblings for a full 18 years. What’s the rush? </p>
<p>Let our children be human beings, not human DOINGS. It seems like some parents are way too focused on molding their children into becoming an expert in some area.</p>
<p>Also, I’d have to bet that the majority of parents who send their children to boarding schools are boarding school products themselves.</p>
<p>I agree with Old But Wise 100%, and I am on the faculty of one of these top boarding schools. So, as a parent and a faculty member I see both sides.
My son will be going off to college soon enough.
Thank you Old But Wise for voicing my opinion.</p>
<p>This is a fascinating discussion.
Due to cognitive dissonance, people are going to want to believe that whatever decision they are making is the best one. Every child and family is different. There are different educational opportunities in different locations. Nobody should need to convince anyone of anything.</p>
<p>Old But Wise – Why do you care? If your kids are off being adults by now, what’s your stake in understanding ‘why boarding school?’</p>
<p>My answer, anyway, is that boarding school is the right thing for my child at this stage in her life. And that’s all anybody needs to know, isn’t it.</p>
<p>szcbassoon - clarify your thoughts for us. Being on the “inside”, what makes you reach the opinion you have?
edit- szcbassoon - you say you are faculty at bs - just read your prior posts and you talk about your child being waitlisted and dropping fa request to improve his chances off the wailist - doesn’t sound like someone negative re: BS - what gives???</p>
<p>Old but wise - I did not go to bs and my only will be heading off this fall. Did I have a problem with this - you bet. Will I cry my eyes out in September - YES. But, when I saw the look on his face when he finished his revisit and had attended classes all day, I had to let him go. </p>
<p>Being somewhere where it is not only ok, but actually cool, to be smart will be such a relief for many kids who are currently laughed at for working hard. The chance to go above and beyond anything offered at a local school is compelling. The chance to be among peers who care as much as you do about school and learning is something most “smart” kids never get to experience. The chance to try something new and explore options in academics, sports and EC’s can’t be matched locally. </p>
<p>I have spent 14 years instilling great values and morals in my child as well as developing a great relationship with him. It is my job as a parent to raise the best child I can and then let him go. I am confident in the job I did and in my child. Does this mean I am abandoning him? Not at all. Are electronic hugs as good as real ones? Not at all. But I think that most of the parents on this board would be on a plane or in a car in a heartbeat if their child needs them.</p>
<p>I also think there is a big difference between parents who “send” their child to BS and those who support their child’s decision to go and make the most of an opportunity that is presented to him/her.</p>
<p>When I feel down about seeing my child off in the fall I have to remind myself that if I had had this same opportunity when I was 14 I would have taken it in a heartbeat. I am proud that he has the courage to do this.</p>
<p>I am not all negative about boarding schools, my son applied as a Day student, as I live 5 min. away. Seems like the best of both worlds to me.
Thanks for asking.</p>
<p>old but wise - can a child be “smart” in public school? Of course, but it is also frustrating to a child when a good 2/3 of the class is unprepared for class on practically a daily basis. Cecil said it well above. Again, it depends on your local options. </p>
<p>And of course parents can be role models. I’d argue that the best candidates for BS are from families where the parents have been role models and imparted their wisdom and built up the self-esteem of their kids long before they go off to BS. I’d also argue that as parents we have taught our kids a good 90% of what we need to teach them prior to the age of 13/14. The rest is fine tuning. If you haven’t imparted your child with a strong sense of self-worth or self-assuredness by that age - good luck! </p>
<p>Will we be there down the road! Of course! (and some of us our fortunate to have our BS child not far away.) Sending your kids away to BS doesn’t mean relinguishing parental influence or responsibility.</p>
<p>Yes, szcbassoon - you are lucky to have that as an option!</p>
<p>I went to a boarding school and swore I would never send my kids to one. Then in her sophomore year my younger child got an invitation in to apply for our State Science and Math school. I was shocked when she said she was interested. Well she applied and was accepted. I told her I never wanted to send my kids to boarding school and she said she was sending herself 
. I was so depressed!! It was a stressful 2 years as the school is very tough but she just graduated. It is so nice to have her at home!(till the fall anyway). She is definitely better prepared for college than she would have been but I still feel she has missed out on a big part of regular HS as the school is completely academics focused and had no sports, no band (both things she was heavily involved in) or other ECs - in fact not even time to read for pleasure (funnily enough her reading score on the ACT dropped which I think is because she went from reading several books a week to maybe reading one a month on the weekends she was home - if that as she was always exhausted and slept mostly) and was very restrictive - she had a lot less independance than she would have had at home. </p>
<p>So I guess I am in the group where my kid chose this path and I did not feel it right to stand in her way. Though if I could go back in time I would probably put that letter in the trash before she ever saw it!</p>
<p>Novelisto: Why do I care? I spent 30 years as a college counselor in a high school (now retired). I have a great interest in the well-being of our adolescents. Have seen way too many adolescents fall victim to eating disorders, depression, low self-esteem, anxiety attacks and even suicidal tendencies because of parental pressure and expectations for high achievement. Seems like too much of a focus is on “achievement,” while too little focus is on letting “kids be kids.” I’ve seen too many instances where the parents were focusing more on their own needs rather than the needs of their children. They might have raised a nervous, anxious, anorexic or unhappy child, but it was ok because their child ultimately got into an Ivy League school. They could have the Yale sticker on their car window and talk about it at the office or cocktail party, while their child paid the price.</p>
<p>Of course, this is not reflective of all situations…there are many very happy Ivy Leaguers. At the same time, there are many high achievers who have paid the price in the name of achieving what our society defines as “success.”</p>
<p>Why do I care? Because I have seen way too many parents not give 100% in their parental role. In my humble opinion, a parent’s role has more to do with being there in the presence of their child, and letting the child grow up with their siblings, than to insure that they get a top-notch education.</p>
<p>My children graduated from a modest public school, yet they went on to graduate from the most highly-regarded colleges in the country. Of all the education they received, I have no question that the most important learning occurred each evening when our entire family sat around the dinner table, with the television off, and we talked about the day’s events. It was a time for all of us - parents, children and siblings - to “bond,” and strengthen our family ties. There’s no way that our family would be as “tight knit” as it is today, had we sent our children away to boarding school. It would have been impossible for our family to be the way it is today, should even one of our children be missing from that dinner table.</p>
<p>Another great learning experience they had was going to a modest public high school with all kinds of kids: black, white, rich, poor, genius, learning disabled, jock, nerd, etc. They could have never experienced this in boarding schools, which are not representative of our society as a whole, a society in which our children have to exist.</p>
<p>Again, what’s the rush? Spend quality time with your children. Let them spend quality time with you and their siblings. You get a very limited time as a family unit (typically 18 years), why rush it in the name of a "quality education.'?</p>
<p>quoting old but wise
</p>
<p>I’m going to take this discussion down a different path.</p>
<p>It would seem that old but wise would argue that the time spent in the family unit is the most important impact on an adolescent’s life. I would agree to that argument in early childhood, but what I think old but wise misses is that adolescence is all about doing more on ones own. And typically teenagers whether home-schooled, public schooled, or boarding schooled spend progressively more and more time AWAY from those parental influences as they test the waters of making their own decisions.</p>
<p>Boarding school, IMHO, presents a great opportunity for the adolecent (who is ready for such challenges - not all are) to explore a more challenging environment physically, socially, and morally. They have to take on more responsibilty for more of their decisions without their parents direct involvement in the minutae of their lives.</p>
<p>Will there be mistakes made? Yes, and perhaps more than in the home-schooled or public schooled environment. However, a good boarding school will help a student learn from these experiences. </p>
<p>In the large public high school arena, I would argue there is not the support staff to teach the good decision making. Old but wise may argue that is where parents come into the picture, but THAT is not part of growing up. Growing up is learning to get the suport from OTHERS that you may need. The great thing about boarding schools is that they understand that kids need this kind of guidance and select their staff based upon their ability to provide this type of support. It is an expected part of the job. I cannot say the same about public school employees (let the thrashing begin - and BTW I come from a family of public school teachers). It is not in their union contract to answer the doorbell at 3AM.</p>
<p>While keeping his children at home may have been what was best for old but wise’s children (don’t have any information), I know that my daughter was ready for the challenge last fall and has in the opinion of everyone who has seen her this summer says she has grown up tremendously during the past year. She manages almost all of her day-to-day affairs on her own. She talked to us almost every day she was gone away to school, but the relationship has become far more mature.</p>
<p>What I think this whole debate comes down to is “when is my child ready to do this?” Is it 9th grade when moving into a boarding school, freshman year of college when they move into a dorm, when they complete their education at a commuter college, or on their wedding day.</p>
<p>Quite frankly, having the independent living skills developed during boarding school with a supportive staff around sure beats having to sort all this stuff out in a university dorm while all the other kids are partying, or living in an apartment with a 9-to-5 and no built in community support.</p>
<p>And I think old but wise asks is it worth the price? As they say on the MasterCard commercials, it is priceless to watch you child take wing - even at a distance.</p>
<p>quoting old but wise again
</p>
<p>You make a very bad generalization about the composition of boarding schools. My (caucasian) daughter is re-upping for next year with her Korean roommate, often hangs with the African American girls and one of her closest friends has multiple learning disabilities. These are things that didn’t happen at our suburban public school.</p>
<p>You might consider spending some time in your retirement working at a boarding school instead of making assumptions about them.</p>
<p>Wonderfully said, goaliedad - as usual. Ditto.</p>
<p>I was a day student at a boarding school and it didn’t occur to me that boarding school would make sense for my son until about 1 year ago at this time.</p>
<p>There are pros and cons.</p>
<p>Among the items I’d list as a pro for boarding: my teenage son will be living away from home and away from some of the tensions that go along with that.</p>
<p>Among the items I’d list as a con, against boarding: my teenage son will be living away from home and away from some of the tensions that go along with that.</p>
<p>That apparent paradox brings me to the two suppositions that run through this thread that I take issue with.</p>
<p>First, I disagree with the notion that there’s a universal answer with boarding school being the best choice or not for all kids. One size doesn’t fit all. I’m not playing ball with old but wise because I can’t make the case that boarding school makes sense for everyone. {EDIT: Or even as to most. Or merely 25,000 kids nationally. I can only say that it can make sense in at least one case, namely the one where I know more than anyone else.}</p>
<p>Second, I take issue with the idea that there’s a clearcut answer even as to specific kids. As several here have indicated, there are many factors that must be weighed. There are risks that are taken. Is 3 weeks at summer camp too much time away from family? Some may say “yes” but most would say “no.” As we increase the timeframe, more and more parents will say that they’ve reached the point where, in balance, the decision is too costly. All any parent is “saying” by giving their child this opportunity is that – on the margin – it’s the best decision for their child. {EDIT: In that one case that I can speak to expertly, it’s simply a matter of being the better choice, not a good v. evil choice.}</p>
<p>As for the arguments that kids suffer eating disorders, etc., that’s just one of those things that parents have to weigh to the best of their abilities. And balance against the toeholds for psychological and criminal problems that exist for the live-at-home students.</p>
<p>Similarly, extraordinary pressure to achieve is hardly unique to boarding school. I’ve seen it in plenty of places that have no boarding students. This is a function of the parenting, not the decision to board. Again, depending on the family and the student, it’s quite conceivable that, in balance, a boarding school environment could actually reduce the pressure that the child might be under if s/he were to live at home.</p>
<p>In my case, we decided that, given the right school, boarding makes sense. I cannot possibly make a blanket recommendation to anyone that the decision makes sense, either as to the school itself or the decision to board. I can only defend it as to my own child, taking into account about a billion little factors and dozens of big factors which, on the whole, makes our decision the best one for our child. I could be wrong. I make lots of decisions as a parent where I take that risk. I just try to muddle on. And I’m confident that this is right while being humble enough to know it’s not necessarily true even in the one case where I am truly the most expert person here.</p>
<p>Given all that, I’m not going to make a declaration that boarding is the right choice for anyone else – let alone make a generalized claim – and, I’m just as doubtful that someone can appear here and make the case that staying at home makes the most sense for my son. Wouldn’t that be just as presumptuous as I’m declining to be?</p>
<p>Old but Wise - Still not sure why you are asking this question here, since you are not interested in BS for your own children, and you clearly have a very strong opinion based on “30 years” of personal experience. Moreover, I can’t help but feel that your implication that parents who send their kids to BS are “focusing on their own needs” and want to be able to brag about their kid’s school at “office and cocktail parties” is a pretty narrowminded dig at those who disagree with your view of the world. In fact, even your choice of a screen name gives me little confidence that you are inclined to second guess any of your current opinions.</p>
<p>Finally, given your stated view that you have “no question” that your own children’s most important learning occured when they were at home during dinner, I don’t know what anyone could say to “convince” you that boarding school is a superior choice for some children - even those that come from happy loving families.</p>
<p>In short, I think it is a waste of our collective time to respond to your questions. Perhaps your time would be better spent going to a website sponsored by group supporting a women’s right to choose and posting the following entry “Abortion isn’t Murder - Convince Me”.</p>
<p>Don’t mean to be unduly harsh, I just have serious doubts about your sincerity and believe you are just “■■■■■■■■” for an argument.</p>