<p>First, I know that when your child is hurting - mom hurts even more. So you have my sympathies. </p>
<p>Second, I would bet that there are a lot of kids who will be going to the prom not with ‘dates’ but as part of a large group. At least that’s very common in my children’s high school: a group of kids with or without dates goes to the prom together, goes to a restaurant before the prom together, and then to an after-prom party at someone’s home. Ask around - have your daughter explore this idea or ask parents you know whose kids will be going to the same prom. </p>
<p>Oh, and dances are grinding exhibitions everywhere. Few kids actually DANCE at these things, the prom is more about the dress, the restaurant, the limo and the fanfare. </p>
<p>S2 refused to go to the prom this year. He said he didn’t want to spend the money (At that point I even offered to pay). </p>
<p>I had one mom call me and ask me if my S would take her D to prom. That was a very uncomfortable conversation. He did however, go and hang out with a whole group of friends on prom night and they had a blast.</p>
<p>When my daughter was very upset about a break-up and expressed concern that she would never find another guy as special as her ex, I told her in a voice energized with confidence that she was a wonderful, loveable girl and there were great things ahead for her. I think she was so stuck in the moment that she could not believe that things could get better. Of course I did not have a crystal ball, but I think my optimism lifted her up.</p>
<p>my 8th grade daughter, very bright, pretty has not been asked out as many of her friends have. The answer is very simple…since she is very smart, the boys are intimidated. many of her classmates go gaga over some boys and my daughter just says…“they are so dumb”…and she is right.(the boys that is) Her maturity level as a 13 year old will serve her well in the future …hopefully.</p>
<p>I know how hurt you must feel, you wish you could just absorb your kids pain for them.</p>
<p>I was stunned when my D told me how many girls were not attending her prom this year because of not having a date, some of them very pretty and popular. D’s high school, like most colleges these days, has a disproportionate share of females which makes it tough. In addition, there are a lot of senior boys not attending because they were too shy to ask someone. It is a difficult situation.</p>
<p>It sounds like she would like to participate in all of the senior year activities and prom is an important part of the end of year fun. Some schools may have other dances that are fine to attend in groups, but proms tend to be “date only” at some schools. </p>
<p>If she’s a little shy, perhaps she can tell a more outgoing girlfriend that she would like to be asked to prom. The girlfriend can then pass the word to an outgoing boy who can talk to his more reticent friends. This assures that no one is embarrassed: the girl is still asked by a boy, and the boy won’t have to worry about being turned down.</p>
<p>This type of prom date fixing up is very common at my daughter’s school. At last week’s prom, I think almost every student had a date and yet there were really only a handful of actual “couples” in the class. It’s a small school, which makes it easier, but the kids try to work together to make sure that everyone who wants to attend has a date.</p>
<p>As the mother of boys - it is very common for the girl to take the lead. When they were without an official girlfriend, my sons prom dates have happened because a) girl tells son’s friend that if he asks, she will say yes b)friend plays matchmaker with a group of boy/girl friends and c) I receive a phone call from a mom saying that her daughter will say yes if my son asks.</p>
<p>I just want to throw out my advice for you…</p>
<p>Don’t suggest anything for her, that’s just awkward and she probably won’t want to listen to you.</p>
<p>Don’t while prom is going on or around that time try to compliment her, or console her (if she’s feeling upset) or anything like that. She’ll feel worse. </p>
<p>Don’t tell her you made a post on an internet forum about her. If you share a computer, erase the history. That would be even more awkward.</p>
<p>Going to prom and being on a date are two entirely different things. At our school, many kids go stag, but with a group of friends. As far as the bumping and grinding dancing, they also tend to dance in groups, so someone may bump and grind her, but not necessarily her date!</p>
<p>I do have to ask though. You mention that it breaks your heart. No where do you really say that she wants to go to prom. Do you know that she really wants to? I know it sounds strange, but not every kid wants to go. I was disappointed when D2 did not go senior year, but it had been such a chaotic final semester with so many other things going on… she just didn’t want to add the pressure of shopping, etc. to her list of tasks to do. She did go as a sophomore (her date was a senior) and junior, but really wasn’t that into it as a senior. At that point, she was sooooo ready to be done with senior year. D1 finally asked a guy her senior year, when no one asked her.</p>
<p>As a former 17 yr old boy, I can guarantee that this is true.</p>
<p>I know that it doesn’t help, but I can assure you that somewhere there is a boy who is thinking “I sure wish that ucmomhopeful’s D would go to the prom with me, but she’d never say ‘yes’, so I won’t ask.”</p>
<p>If she is so inclined (and actually wants to go to the prom), she may have to do the asking. A friend of mine finally asked me. That friend would be referred to as Mrs. GSharpM7 today.</p>
<p>Based on my observations as a parent, I now understand in a way that would have been impossible when I was an 18-year-old boy that things like prom dates (and romance, and sex, and practically everything else in high school) happen because the girls make them happen. Sure, there are a couple of mature boys out there who can do something on their own, but they are outliers. The vast majority of boys at that age are useless, at least insofar as anything like “dating” is concerned, and have egos so fragile that looking too hard cracks them. Not every girl actually has to make the ask herself, but only a tiny fraction of girls gets asked without a lot of effort to set it up (which, as noted, often involves the assistance of friends).</p>
<p>Really, I sort of wish prom would go away. It is crusted about with all these silly, unrealistic expectations. My kids went to a bunch of proms over the years, and out of six or seven person-proms only one involved even a hint of mutual romantic attraction. What’s more, only a few of their friends ever went to a prom with anything resembling an actual or prospective boy/girlfriend. The norm is a little awkward and mostly Platonic, not Cinderella. I wish kids understood that. I wish it didn’t matter whether they understood it or not.</p>
<p>My daughter is the same. Top of her class, clubs, tennis team, etc. etc. She’s never had a date. She isn’t going to prom and she doesn’t care. A lot of her friends aren’t going. She doesn’t like to dance or wear fancy clothes. From what I hear not a lot of kids are going. Some consider it ‘lame’. For others it’s too expensive. </p>
<p>I get the impression that prom today isn’t the big deal that prom was back in the 70’s.</p>
<p>I think the best way to get to know folks/guys is being involved in time-intensive group activites - the musical, the choir. When my son was a junior, he got friendly with a senior girl on their choir trip. I said, “don’t be surprised if she asks you to prom.” She did, they went and they are still together two years later. I was so thrilled that the timing worked out the way it did because he was her first date.</p>
<p>I’m one of those girls. I was super smart (valedictorian) and my only prom experience was freshman year when I was fixed up with a friend of a friend. He wanted to go but was afraid to ask anyone out. So a female friend of his asked me and I said I would say yes, so we went. That year there were only 5 freshman girls who went to the prom. All of them but me ended up pregnant before the end of sophomore year. </p>
<p>I never had a date another date during hs and when sr year, I dared asked another guy to prom (just as a friend), he turned me down. </p>
<p>I loved getting to college where no one knew who I was. I could reinvent myself. I had a few dates in college, not even that many, and then went off to Europe after graduation where I met H. So it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. </p>
<p>S1 never went to any hs dance whatsoever nor had a date in hs. S2 had a gf starting in middle school. They went to homecoming together freshman yr and then broke up quite nastily. He never said anything but she posted some “I hate you” musings on FB. He is now in college and (I think) has a gf. At least, I found a piece of girl’s clothing (not underwear, thankfully) in the dirty laundry he brought home. I suppose it could be just a friend’s, but you never know.</p>
<p>OP: I feel for your D. I’m in a similar predicament. I’m graduating, never dated, never been asked to a single high school dance. My mom says boys are "intimidated’ by my intelligence…which might be true…but doesn’t take away the sting…</p>
<p>I had given up on getting a date by the time prom rolled around this year…Am I bummed? A little, but there are alot of worse things in life…</p>
<p>I just hope it gets better for both of us in college</p>
<p>I’d also like to add that the top three kids in my class-all girls(val, sal and myself) all have never dated. The val went to prom with a friend, but not any other dances. THe sal and I never went…</p>
<p>Things are different from when you were her age! She can ask someone or go in a group.</p>
<p>My son was a pretty nerdy 17 year old and didn’t have a date to the prom last year. He had pre-arranged to go with a girl who was part of a group of kids going. They were classes together, but only knew her as an acquaintance. But the funny (or lame) part was that night of the prom: He forgot to buy her a ticket! </p>
<p>He was scrambling around in hysterics. He didn’t know if she bought one, but he also didn’t know her last name to call her to check. He and I went through the HS directory one-name-by-one-name to figure out how to call her. Then it dawned on him. Go to FB! All was resolved and he had a great time. There were many pictures and I kept wondering if this date would be my future DIL, but nope. I was just relieved he went.</p>