Since some parents may have been inlaws to their S/D’s spouse or will be ones, I wonder whether you have any wisdom about how to not be a bad inlaw.
I have not been very “successful” in keeping a close relationship with my son (although we do not have much conflicts either.) Therefore, I think I had better pay attention to this because I really do not want to drive both of them away from us.
The only thing I can think of is: to give them a lot of safe space, i.e., free range instead of trying to keep “bothering” them. Will this help?
I think not giving advice unless asked is an important one…and hard for many of us. I know it will be for me. I have been practicing this on DS’s girlfriend. When she rattles on about all sorts of things I have opionions about, or engage in conversation as if she were a friend, I try to keep my comments as benign as I can. I always remember they will be repeated and/or taken/twisted the wrong way.
You don’t need to worry about this. You have NO idea whether this girl is “the one” or not. Right now, she is just your son’s girlfriend. Which means you are pleasant and cordial and that’s about it. What she does isn’t really your business, how she relates with her own family isn’t really your business.
This is true for both married and unmarried relationships- do not criticize the gf/bf or the spouse. No one will thank you. Your child chose this person and your job as Pizzagirl said, is to be pleasant and cordial. Period.
My new SIL is such a nice guy he makes it easy for me. One thing I told D and SIL is that I am making no holiday demands or requirements. They have chosen to spend this Thanksgiving with us, but I will not be hurt or offended if/when they choose to make other holiday plans.
I think the best answer I can give is to think about how you treat them, and would you treat a friend like that? Or allow them to treat you like some family members do? One of the biggest ideas out there that I hate is if it is family, that somehow that excuses how they treat other members of the familly, how often do we hear, about a problematic family member “we have to put up with them, they are family”, that is a crock of bull dung, to say the leasts. I found it valuable to put family stuff in the context of friends or people I simply know, and it helps me figure out what boundaries are. If a friend constantly criticized the way I did things, or how I was raising my son, or how fat or skinny I was, they wouldn’t remain a friend for long, yet we put up with this from in laws or family.
On the other hand, don’t worry yourself sick about this, either. At times, you may be the evil in law, blow ups happen, but as long as you are willing to make up or apologize if in the wrong, it won’t be fatal. The old expression about treating others as you would want to be treated comes to mind, if it irritates you, it likely will irritate an in law, too, but don’t assume on the other hand what makes you happy will make them happy. I think the biggest thing you can do is treat a DIL or SIL with respect and give them the courtesy you would to a valued guest in your home (as a minimum), speaking from experience the worst treatment is being treated like you aren’t there, or are like a piece of luggage the spouse brought with them on their visit.
To be a good father and in-law, I think it is important to have a full life apart from them. Develop other hobbies and interests, get out and explore the world around you.
By doing that, you not only get the intrinsic benefits of the activities themselves but you also become a better father / (potential) father-in-law for the following reasons:
(1) you will be less likely to be anxiously obsessed with your son and his girlfriend/ wife. Even if you think you are hiding it, that kind of obsession can be felt by the objects of obsession and tends to act as a repellent.
(2) you will become a more interesting person to them if your main interest is not their internal lives. Plus you will simply have more to talk about when they visit.
(3) you will be less likely to be a source of nagging guilt to them.
(4) you will naturally become less manipulative when your main preoccupation is not them. Right now, you are likely mining the conversations you have with your son for little nuggets of information to fuel your preoccupation, which may feel manipulative. It will feel even more manipulative to the girlfriend.
(5) it will help you to gain a better perspective on the world which will help you to see your son as the grown man that he is.
(6) it will be a source of enrichment to you as your son continues to develop his own life and family apart from you.
Anyway, I don’t know you and it may be that you already have a wide and diverse set of interests and that you are already out exploring the world. I’m just answering the question – in my view, that’s the best way to naturally develop healthy boundaries between a parent and an adult offspring, which is the best way to become a good in-law.
As a DIL who doesn’t get along with the in laws, the only thing I ask is that you don’t criticise your CIL (child in law). Unless there is abuse going on, please just understand that your child chose that person and s/he loves them. That should be enough.
Wow, I loved @notelling 's advice. Very insightful, and I find it to be true even just navigating the relationship with my recently “launched” adult son (not in a relationship).
Yes @romanigypsyeyes - I am passionate about this idea but haven’t had to face it from the parent side yet. That may test my resolve.
I don’t think it’s my place to set any expectations. I just want to keep things friendly enough so that the other person won’t actively interfere with my ability to maintain a relationship with my child – and to develop one with any grandchildren who may come along.
One of my kids (post-college) is in a serious relationship. They’ve been dating for more than three years and living together for a year and a half. They are making long-term plans (which may involve moving to a different city next summer). Clearly, this is a relationship with staying power. I think they will probably get married within the next few years.
This person is more important to my child than I am. I make a point of remembering that.
I like my child’s significant other very much. But even if I didn’t, I would make a point of remembering the key role that this person plays in my child’s life.
Good point, Marian. When they marry, we are now the periphery of thei lives. They love us, but the spousal relationship will become stronger. Parents love their children more than the other way around. It really is something to keep in mind.
Hunt also has a good point. Benign conversation can seem like the Spanish inquisition. My SIL loves academics and when DS is around her she is just trying to make conversation by talking about his major and what he will do with it. It’s a topic she loves, he’s in college and she’s just trying to connect with him. He hates it immensely and feels she is judging him.
Not sure if this is true, but we certainly are more invested in them than they are in us.
This may even happen before they marry. One of mine is in a serious relationship but is not married yet. The other is single but lives on the opposite side of the country. My husband and I are on the periphery of both of their lives.
It’s what we raised them for – to become independent adults. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t miss the close relationships that we used to have when they were younger.
I took some advice from a wise person on this topic and about the relationship I have with my children–22 and 25 now and with D’s long term BF–likely to be the SIL one day.
I explained to each of them individually that I have never been the parent of a 20 something or the mother of the long-term GF. I respect that they are adults now, and don’t need or want me to “helicopter” anymore and that our relationship is up to the two of us. I asked them want they want and need from me. I asked how they would like our relationship to “look.” It will change over the years, but it’s a good starting point.
Responses varied, and we are still working on getting there, but if one doesn’t ask one won’t know.
BTW–Marian–I could have easily written your response as it describes our situation with the children and what I’ve always believed about raising them.
Random observation that’s somewhat related to this thread:
A generation ago, one way in which people got to know their daughters- or sons-in-law was by making small talk with them when they happened to answer the phone.
Then along came cell phones, and suddenly this didn’t happen anymore.
"This is not my business." Repeat as needed, as an internal meditation mantra or monologue, from now until the day you die. "As needed" refers to any time you might even think about voicing an opinion about their lives. Even when they ask for your opinion.
Never, ever walk into their house without knocking. And always call ahead. No pop-ins. Ever.
Totally agree that our attentions should not be on them as much as when they were very young. We need to be aware that they have their own lives and we are more or less on the periphery side now.
Re: “no pop-ins”.
One of my previous coworkers was very pissed off when his parent (not inlaw) gave him only 1 day of advanced notice before he visited him (and stayed with him for some time.) He said his parents should have given him more time to get ready.
He said he would prepare a lot of alcohol drinks and makes him drunk most of time while he’s there so that he does not have to “deal with him.” Oh…,boy. Not sure whether his parent knows his son feels that way. (Guess what: Later on, this parent introduced a girl to him and she became his wife. It is hard to tell the dynamic of a family when you are an outsider. The purpose of that visit was actually to discuss the possibility of introducing that girl who later became his wife, to him!)
