^^I interpreted the thread title to be “setting MY OWN expectations for my DIL/SIL”
Shortly after my second child was born – when life was in a state of considerable chaos – my father, who lived an hour and a half away from me at the time, dropped in one day on his way home from a business appointment near me.
He stayed only long enough to criticize the messy state of my house, and then he complained about my poor housekeeping to other family members.
It took a long time to forgive him.
The relationship if definitely different. My son & DIL live very close by. They randomly stop by at any time. We would never walk into their house uninvited. On the other hand, I would certainly go to my parent’s house without calling first but they would stop do the same to us.
Best advice to get along with adult children? Treat them with respect as you would a friend.
I don’t mind (and I even like) surprise visits from my parents as long as my house is somewhat presentable and we don’t have anything pressing going on. (And, even with the latter, they could help, so it depends on the situation.) My H’s mom would be a different story; I have to mentally prepare for that, and I don’t enjoy her company nearly as much as we all enjoy my parents’.
Even though we are quite close to my parents, they always ring our doorbell; they have never just walked in unless we aren’t home and we know about it. H’s mom just walks in every time, and every time, it is jarring. It feels intrusive and entitled to me. I have tried to convey my feelings about this with a shocked expression, but she hasn’t gotten the hint. (I’m too non-confrontational to actually say anything.)
I like D1’s BF very much. I always enjoy my visit with him, and we always have lively conversation about his work and what he is up to. But I would usually communicate with him via D1 - if I need help around my apartment, I would ask D1 to see if her BF had time, or if I want to invite them out to dinner I would talk to D1 first. If I have any issue with him (rarely) I would also tell D1 first and let her deal with it. BF has a habit of talking too much at times or use profanity sometimes, so I have told D1 to keep it under control, especially when we are out with my family or friends.
On the other hand, the BF’s mom texts D1 when she doesn’t hear from her son, or she would discuss with D1 on the logistics when they want to visit D1 & their son. BF’s parents are very nice to D1, and D1 seem to be fine with their interaction.
I don’t show up unexpected or call too early/late. D1 doesn’t tell me whenever they get into a fight or complain about the BF to me. The one time she told me about a major fight few years ago, I actually tried to have her look at it from his point of view, so ever since then he knew I liked him.
When we were young we watched our friends with local families rush from house to house to house trying to please all the “parents” and end up at our house late at night exhausted. It was even worse for friends who had divorced parents and would end up making 4 stops on holidays. I swore I would never place any expectations on our kids when they were adults. I’ve got two that live far away and even though they are still young they have “made” their own holiday traditions and don’t come home for holidays because they hate the “plane” thing during the holidays. I’m happy that they adapted and made their own traditions. I miss them, but I’m happy for them.
@oldfort, do you think the difference in the patterns of interaction with you and with the BF’s mom reflect the traditional idea that women are the keepers of the social schedules for their household?
In my family, my parents also never communicated directly with their son or daughter in-laws. If they had something to say, they would tell their kids and it would be up to us to tell our SO. It is something I am accustom to. If I had a son, I would talk to my son instead of to his SO. D1 is a bit surprised how much her BF’s mom communicates with her.
Re: “the difference in the patterns of interaction.”
I did feel the the patterns of interaction are different in our case. Supposedly we would not have a language barrier between us and DS’s GF, but her parents (and some of her siblings) would have such a difficulty with DS.
The fact is that she has arranged that DS met all of her side of family in person but DS has not arranged that we met her. And we actually live closer to her (still quite far away though) than her parents to DS.
So the patterns of interactions are indeed different! There could be some truth in this saying: a daughter may bring someone (SIL) to her family but a son may join the other family. LOL.
(We think we will be fine with this if DS’s inlaws would not be “difficult” ones. The family DS grew up with is just “too small”.)
Hopefully this would not imply that we will be the “difficult” inlaws (as discussed on another thread) if/when they do become a couple.
Hmm…in general, if you have a daughter, do you think you prefer that she is married with someone in a very large and very connected family (i.e., potentially a lot of family interactions after marriage, especially during Thanksgiving and/or Christmas), or with someone in a very small family (like, say, ours)?
It’s hard to say. Each in-law family usually has good parts or bad parts and you cannot foresee. It also depends on the SIL or DIL. A large family could be helpful when the SIL or DIL is needing help. But it could be a burden or a source of unhappiness too.
I may not have articulated it well. But my point is: No matter how we are not willing to admit it, most parents do have a certain minimum expectations for their SIL or DIL, e.g., being faithful and having no affairs, not alcoholic or physically or mentally abusive, being able to hold onto a job. Note that being particularly nice to inlaws is not listed here as a very crucial expectation here – he/she just has to be nice to your D/S so that when you are gone, you will feel comfortable that s/he will have a companion who will likely be good to her/him.
My expectation for my eventual future SIL/BIL is that they make my daughter/son happy and that they are good, decent people. The end.
It makes no sense to have any “expectation” or “preference” that they come from a small family or a large one. That’s like having a “preference” that they be right handed instead of left handed. It is what it is.
Mcat2…it is nice that you have these “expectations” for,your future DIL…and we all wish the best for out kids.
But what happens if your son chooses a SO who doesn’t meet YOUR expectations?
I’m quite sure that I am not my inlaws dream DIL. But you know what? It’s none of their business.
Ha…my wife would NEVER be my parents’ dream DIL. But we survived.
I think it is important for inlaws to NOT have “high” expectations because it is not their choice of life partner and they do not live with him/her, even though it is not easy to have zero expectation. This is because you will never be pleased if his/her SO treats your D or S very badly.
Mecat, at this point, that is my expectation. My son spends most holidays with g/f’s family. She has a twin sister and another sibling.she is very close to her twin. The parents are great. She rarely communicates with me, even though we’ve been together four times at vacations, mostly here.
I expect she’ll be distant until and if they get engaged. It is not my place to put pressure on my son, and getting close to his g/f could do that. That doesn’t mean I don’t send her gifts at Xmas/Hannukkah.,I refrain from asking son what he received. My job is to be his support.
Oh good grief. Hoping that your child marries a decent person who treats them well is the basics. That’s like saying I expect when I go to a restaurant the food will be decent and when I fly on an airplane that there’s a pilot at the helm to get me to the other end.
Out of the blue about a week ago my DS16 asked me if I was going to be the MIL from he. I told him " of course not unless he marries the DIL from he". All of this struck me extremely funny as he’s never ever been on a date in his life. Guess I won’t need to worry for a while, but I will revisit this thread in the future.
Re:“It is not my place to put pressure on my son, and getting close to his g/f could do that.”
The results from a research from NIH seems to say that getting close to DIL could more easily cause a trouble than getting close to SIL:
"Dr. Orbuch, with funding from the National Institutes of Health, is studying 373 same-race couples who were between the ages of 25 and 37 and in their first year of marriage when the study began in 1986. Dr. Orbuch asked the newlyweds each to rate, on a scale of one to four, how close they felt to their in-laws. She has followed them over time to collect data, including whether they remained married. The results will be published in a coming issue of the journal Family Relations.
In couples where the husband initially reported being close to his wife’s parents, the risk of divorce over the next 16 years was 20% lower than for the group overall. Yet when the wife reported being close to her in-laws, that seemed to have the opposite effect: The risk of divorce with these couples was 20% higher."
Weird. I felt close to my ILs and H felt close to my family. We’ve been married >29 years. My sibs are close to my family as well as their ILs; all are still married.
It’s not our place to have these expectations of a SIL or DIL
It’s our place to have taught our kids that they have the right to have minimum expectations of the person whom they marry. And those criteria may not agree with ours.
For example, if your child has a high income and your child’s partner is interested in being a stay-at-home parent, your child may not care in the slightest about whether his/her prospective spouse is any good at holding onto jobs.