Yes, in fact, it’s Rule #1. And #2 and #3 and #4. Leave them alone. If they need you, they’ll ask. If they want your advice, they’ll ask. If they want to get together, they’ll ask. Err on the side of a hands-off policy and biting your tongue. It’s oh so hard, but in the end you’ll have more and better communication than if you make yourself too much a presence in their lives.
These are hopes, certainly. But expectations? What if your child chooses a partner who doesn’t meet those expectations? Do you cut off your child? Do you criticize the partner to your child? Do you try to break them up? What kind of relationship do you think you’re going to have with your child in the future, if you do any of those things?
Having an adult child means learning to let go. If you don’t, you lose your child.
@MCAT2, please, please, please find things that interest you and give your S more space and breathing room. IF and when he decides to have you meet anyone he is dating, you will have interests of your own to discuss with your S and his friend. Our kids are NOT supposed to fill voids in our lives–we need to figure out things for ourselves. If you don’t know what else to do, think of where you and your spouse might like to live if you decide to move away from where you currently live and when you retire.
Most young people like a lot of space and privacy and will connect when they choose. The more we try to pry, the further they want to push away from us and our lives. For your own health and happiness, it’s really important to find your own interests. Your spouse may have some activites you jointly enjoy or not. It’s good to have some of your own interests–if you don’t, start exploring things that MAY be of interest to you. There are often courses you can take in your community to learn more about different things that you haven’t previously had time for, often at no or low cost–give them a try.
I spent T-day at a friends house, United by our sons. Other parents of son’s in same class there. We’ve known each other so long, we are pure with each other.
So one woman shared her concerns with her son’s wife. This is a young man who was NMF and went to an Academy. He is not only bright but a terrific athlete. She shared that her DIL lied about raising children in their faith, as she doesn’t want children at all. And she has excuses for not finding a job in 3 years nor learning to cook.
Lots of other shared stories. And I received a loving text from my son.
Bottom line, we all learn to hold,our tongue except among our dearest friends.
So there are many “hopes”/expectations for her DIL. Let’s enumerate these:
Do not lie.
Raise children in their faith.
Want children.
find and hold a job.
learn to cook.
Plenty of strings attached before this poor lazy could be her dream DIL.
Maybe she is just more “honest” about her “hopes” for DIL than other inlaws are, considering the fact that many CCers complain bitterly about their inlaws on another thread. LOL.
A variation of the above list may be more acceptable:
Occasional white lies in order to get away from the annoying inlaws are acceptable.
Religion or faith is DIL’s personal choice and inlaws have no rights to say anything about this.
It is not inlaws who bear the children so they do not have any right there either.
Having a job or not could affect the financial picture of the family of your son and your DIL, not yours. So shut up.
The kitchen is theirs and you do not eat what they cook on the regular basis. So it is not your concern.
This modified list is more acceptable in the eyes of a modern day DIL.
mcat, I think you’re missing the point. You can think anything you want about a potential/actual DIL. You can have a mental list as long as your arm of your own standards for her character and behavior. What you can’t do is share ANY of that with your son.
What I really try to come up with is to have a mental list that is also perfectly acceptable to both S and DIL. Maybe I am pursuing something that is almost impossible. But the point is to try to learn to avoid some potential mistakes from some inlaws (or SIL/DIL) who have had real-life experiences.
Since this perfect list does not exist IMHO (or is not doable for 99% of people who are inlaws), you need to learn some wisdom like what you just posted here:
“What you can’t do is share ANY of that with your son.”
There are some people in the world who are not particularly good at “always keeping their thought to themselves.” I am unfortunately one of such people. So I thought it may be even better to have a thought this is “right” even when I accidentally disclose it to the offspring or his spouse. But I am aware this might not be easier than just “keeping it (i.e., the list) to myself.” (Or just having an extremely short list, an example of which is what PG posted: “they make my daughter/son happy and that they are good, decent people. The end.” Or, LasMa’s Rule #1: “Leave them alone.” Or, HImom’s similar wisdom: “give your S more space and breathing room.” No expectation in some cases could be the best expectation.
Agree. Your son should have expectations, but those are his business, not yours. And whether or not she lives up to his expectations is their business, not yours.
Instead of a list, how about just looking for the good things and appreciating them? That way if you do accidentally spill the beans about what you think of her, something good will come tumbling out.
A good thing: She seems to be able to make him happy as far as I can tell. What is more important than this? Also, he seems to be supportive of her career development: When she’s very busy, he would shop from the Whole Food and cook for her as we heard. Oh…another that I have noticed: As far as I happen to be aware from thousands of miles away: They seem to have very few arguments (let alone fights.) – Actually heard of one small argument in the past year and a half. But it could be because he would not let us know about it.
Talking about spilling the beans (i.e., saying something I should not have said to begin with): At one time, over the phone call, I asked my son: Do you know that you and your g/f were raised in a very different SES family background? I regretted immediately after I had said this. Hopefully he would not share this with his g/f. But my son grew up with me so he knew well too many my “weakness” in this area so it could be a hopeless case. This is why I said I am not good at keeping my thoughts to myself.
Mcat, we all know you have nothing but love in your heart and use the Cafe to vent your worries. Since you own that you can speak too freely, this may explain your sons reluctance to bring you close to the g/f and her family.
that inspired me to start this thread. There appears to be many CCers who happen to have “difficult” inlaws who are hopelessly bad. I definitely do not want to become one of these inlaws. So I think it may be useful for the experienced inlaws to share some of their wisdoms about how to “behave like an acceptable (do not have to be great) inlaw.”
As regard to the SES mismatch, in the first 5 years or so when my wife and I were together, we actually had some different expectations about the use of money. I was the one who was more eager (maybe too extreme about it) to save money but she was not so extreme about it. It took us many years to reconcile on this front. The same could happen to our son. But I am fully aware this kind of thing really can not be taught: Each couple need to sort out these among themselves.
But if our son conveyed what I said to his g/f, it would not come out too well. She might think I accuse her as a princess. It is not her fault that she could go to a better school while my son in comparison had to settle mostly at a more mediocre public school while growing up. But the truth was that at the beginning, DS himself had some concern about this potential mismatch. But it is up to them to work it out and it is not my business. (If they do get together in the end, we will prepare to write a check that is still within our means. I actually told DS about this at one time. The tentative number I quoted to him is actually larger than what my wife thinks it should be - she thought I should have promissed only a half of that. But, on the other hand, my wife kept paying down his student loan debt while we still could in the past few years, but I was not as “active” as her on this “paying down his post-college student loan” front. It is hard to tell who is more “generous”. It just uses the money in a different way.
“Talking about spilling the beans (i.e., saying something I should not have said to begin with): At one time, over the phone call, I asked my son: Do you know that you and your g/f were raised in a very different SES family background? I regretted immediately after I had said this. Hopefully he would not share this with his g/f”
This is like saying to someone, “do you know you’re fat?” Of course your son already knew that he grew up in a different SES than the girlfriend. What is the point of pointing this out? She knows, too.
It is for your son to select the person who makes him happy. You are not marrying this person, so as long as they are good / decent people, that’s all you need to care about. This isn’t the old country. YOU are not marrying her, and she is not marrying you.
Am kinda thinking if one is already composing a list of expectations for a dau in law/son in law that they don’t even have yet, and the couple is just dating and not even engaged, that sorta says something about
what kind of in law they might be. Really- relax!!! Don’t plan this out way ahead of time. Chill!!!
That said, after reading the other inlaw thread, I told my new dau in law yesterday (they are here visiting) that I did not want to be a that kind of in-law that they had to “tolerate” and couldn’t stand visiting, and that if I ever did anything seriously annoying or block-headed I wanted her to be sure to tell me so that I could stop it or correct it. I do not want to be “that” kind of inlaw–ever.
MCAT, this is at least the third or fourth thread you have started on this forum about your son’s significant other.
In my opinion, you need to start focusing on something different. Don’t make a mental list, don’t try to figure out what to say.
If you don’t have such a list at all, maybe you won’t say something you will later regret. Just mind your own business.
There is no need for YOU to have such a list…at all. This is your son’s relationship, and if it becomes a permanent one, you want to welcome this person into your family whether they fulfil your wish list…or not.
I know I should get my mind out of this. (I admire my wife in this aspect of the “post-parenting skills”: She is more successful in getting her mind really out of this. But she would still be happy all day if DS gives us a call on that day.) But it is sometimes more difficult for me to just turn it off like we can turn off the faucet, especially during Thanksgiving time when he is thousands of miles away (and no phone call.) He did call us several days earlier.
I think whoever (conmama?) posted (in an earlier post) that we are now periphery of their lives has the wisdom of life. Also Marian’s post elaborated this point further:
"This may even happen before they marry. One of mine is in a serious relationship but is not married yet. The other is single but lives on the opposite side of the country. My husband and I are on the periphery of both of their lives.
It’s what we raised them for – to become independent adults. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t miss the close relationships that we used to have when they were younger."
There have been many insightful posts here. Thanks.
We do miss the relationships we had with them when they were under our roof, and our responsibility. It’s one of the hardest tasks of parenting to know when that time has ended, but you already know how to do it:
That’s it. That’s what you have to do. Stop assessing this girl. Enjoy what’s good about her – and I’m sure there is a great deal that’s good about her – and then just drop it from your mind.
