<p>“But gosh, the schools promote themselves relentlessly to these kids–many of them have been on visits, even overnight visits, and they are bombarded with literature–all saying how wonderful the school is, and how much they want you to apply. I think some of them must really feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them when they don’t get the results they are hoping for.”</p>
<p>Do you really think so? Maybe I just haven’t seen it, but it seems to me that the real pressure is from mom / dad / what will they say at cocktail parties / my dreams ever since I leaned over your crib have been dashed, rather than from the schools themselves. I’ve not seen any school demonstrate any real attitude in any of their materials, visits, overnights, etc. beyond, “We’re a pretty cool place, we love it here, and we hope you will consider us - you’ll love us too.”</p>
<p>I think for some kids who are not as CC-savvy as ours, all that promotion may create a false impression as to how hard it is to get in. After all, if the school is sending tons of letters and e-mails, they must want me!</p>
<p>And I think it’s not really fair to paint kids like this (and their parents) as just wanting bragging rights. I know several kids who, in my opinion, really would have been better off at the reach schools on their lists than their match/safety schools. They had good reasons for wanting to go to those schools. I was disappointed for them when they didn’t get in, and they’re not even my kids.</p>
<p>“And then I read this stuff? About people pouting that their kids didn’t get into HYPSM and had to “settle” for a mere top 20? About holding grudges and thinking that their kids were “owed” and comparing their results like a bunch of nosy nellies to all the other kids in the school / town? Man, some people need to grow up, and get some perspective. Unbelievable. People are strange, that’s for sure”</p>
<p>They aren’t the ones disgusted by what some anonymous strangers are posting on a message board. Your best advice, given often, is not to worry what other people think and to live your own life. Let me reiterate that its good advice.</p>
<p>I didn’t think this line of discussion was about the appropriateness of kids wanting to go to top schools - there is nothing at all wrong with that in my mind, and is really how we would like all kids to think. What is debatable is the appropriateness of parents setting the sights on HYPS for their kids, both parents and kids expecting to be admitted, because in their minds they have done “everything right,” as though there is even such a thing, and being outraged or shocked because they were not admitted and then acting like somebody died.</p>
<p>BBD, It sounds like you had some distressing news yesterday. Sorry to hear that, but it’s not an adequate excuse for coming here and doing what you did yesterday. I’d appreciate it if you would take responsibility for your actions. Thanks.</p>
<p>"BBD, you shouldn’t take swings at people’s kids just for grins, especially ones about whom you likely know absolutely nothing. "</p>
<p>I didnt take a swing at ANYONEs kid. My swing was aimed at the folks who insist that no one should ever feel bad about not getting into somewhere they wanted to, and have zero sympathy. </p>
<p>Yeah, the wisdom to know the difference. But remember Macbeth - “Avenge it like a man!” “But FIRST I must FEEL it like a man!” </p>
<p>When my DD is unhappy, I sometimes have to remind myself to just listen, and sometimes to just say “Yeah, that sucks” BEFORE I go on about how to make the best of it. </p>
<p>The impression I get here is that if you are disappointed in admission to certain schools, than you had damned well better move on right away, because if you dont, you are an evil snob or something. Thats just unfair, I think.</p>
<p>I also know lots of people have no interest in the Ivies, cause of distance or whatever. And some folks dont care about prestige (the Ivy my DD applied to had LOTS going for it, prestige aside).</p>
<p>"BBD, It sounds like you had some distressing news yesterday. Sorry to hear that, but it’s not an adequate excuse for coming here and doing what you did yesterday. I’d appreciate it if you would take responsibility for your actions. Thanks. "</p>
<p>What exactly did i DO? Please quote what I said that was hurtful.</p>
<p>When my son was applying to colleges, I really hoped he’d get into my alma mater, because I really loved it and knew he’d love it, too. He had a good list including reaches, matches, and safeties, and during the process I did my best to talk up the matches and safeties. When he was accepted at my alma mater, I was delighted. I’d be a liar if I claimed that it wouldn’t have mattered to me if he’d been rejected. I would have been sad and disappointed. I would have tried my best to hide that from him, and to talk up the school that did accept him. Would I have been angry? Maybe–you never like it when somebody rejects your kid. Intellectually, I know that he wasn’t “entitled” to admission, and that the school rejects most legacies, etc. But I would have been unhappy.</p>
<p>I agree that one has to “move on.” But would you post that same advice on a thread where a person was recounting the death of their cat, even if you don’t value cats?</p>
<p>"What is debatable is the appropriateness of parents setting the sights on HYPS for their kids, both parents and kids expecting to be admitted, because in their minds they have done “everything right,” as though there is even such a thing, and being outraged or shocked because they were not admitted and then acting like somebody died. </p>
<p>And hunt said what if its not outraged, but disappointed, saddened, etc, etc. That AFAICT (can’t read ALL the posts) did not elicit a change in tone.</p>
I don’t think responding to message board posts is indicative of some sort of obsessive concern over what others think. I suspect you don’t either, since that is what you are doing here.</p>
<p>Reading other’s thoughts, thinking about them, and responding to them is the entire point of an internet forum. In general, it is just entertainment.</p>
<p>It is not the “somewhere” that raises hackles. It is HYPSM et al., because regardless of your credentials, your chances of admission are very small. If BBD’s D had set her sights on Good University that admits 50% of its applicants and she had the stats for it plus more, I would not begrudge her disappointment if she was not admitted, because her expectations were reasonable.</p>
<p>"Reading other’s thoughts, thinking about them, and responding to them is the entire point of an internet forum. In general, it is just entertainment. "</p>
<p>when the entertainment disgusts me, I leave the theater.</p>
<p>In an effort to be a blessed peacemaker, I will suggest that these kinds of discussions tend to escalate and perhaps push people to the extremes more than even they might prefer–so we end up with a debate between entitled snobs whining because their robotic kid didn’t get into Harvard, vs. callous people with no empathy for the normal feelings of disappointed teenagers.</p>
<p>Could we agree that it’s OK for rejected kids to be disappointed, as long as they get over it within a reasonable time?</p>
<p>Hunt,
Just my opinion, but also based on experience, I think one’s feelings about their kid’s admission to their parents’ alma mater is much more complex than to other colleges.</p>
<p>I probably wouldn’t. But depending on how long after the fact the person was in mourning I might think it advisable.</p>
<p>I think some people may expect an internet board to be the safest place to vent feelings they wouldn’t in front of their kid, other family members, or friends. I personally didn’t find the various posters on this thread to be inappropriately disappointed. That’s why I’d be more inclined to cut them some slack. Even if they might come across as entitled. I don’t judge a teeny sense of entitlement for one’s offspring to be a mortal sin. However, other posters may not be so inclined - I guess that’s the risk you take.</p>
<p>OTOH, when posters backhandedly accusing this student or that student of “stealing” their spot, or accusing admissions officers of all sorts of horribly biased behavior, that I don’t like. I don’t think anyone has done that on this thread. </p>
<p>Of course, I still think I was ripped off 35 years ago. That’s the true definition of unhealthy.</p>
<p>I don’t recall reading any posts like that on this thread, but maybe I missed something. Please refrain from exaggerating other people’s positions. I believe you’re smart enough to be able to make your points without needing to resort to that. I think it’s a bad habit. </p>
<p>If you truly can’t tell what you wrote that I found inappropriate (as well as inaccurate), then I guess you’re not as smart a guy as I thought you were.</p>
<p>“It is HYPSM et al., because regardless of your credentials, your chances of admission are very small. If BBD’s D had set her sights on Good University that admits 50% of its applicants and she had the stats for it plus more, I would not begrudge her disappointment if she was not admitted, because her expectations were reasonable”</p>
<p>It was an Ivy just below HYPMS. And it was a special joint program that is unique in the country (if you are curious, PM me) The joint program made evaluating her chances even more uncertain than usual (some folks said going that way helped, others not). We ALWAYS considered it a reach. Whether reach or not, she would have fit in there intellectually. Changes she has made to her life in the course of the last 18 months have made certain fit aspects of it MUCH more salient than they were. </p>
<p>At RPI she has yet to find one other shomer shabbos kid, AFAIK. This is a dilemma for her (its real difficult to keep shabbos alone). Her best friend at Yale just posted how the shabbos experience there was her best since Israel. (She didnt apply to Brandeis, because it didnt have the fields she wanted) DW thinks she should apply as a transfer to an Ivy. Ive reminded her thats a long shot. </p>
<p>Im not on a rampage about Ivy admissions policies, about URMs, athletes or whatever (though that does not mean those policies should be above criticism). But I think when someone is disappointed, the appropriate response is sympathy. I mean unless they are disappointed they didnt make to a high rank in a drug gang, or the North Korean military, or something like that.</p>