<p>(((hugs)))) I am very sad too.</p>
<p>When my son left for college, I put on a brave face. I kept telling myself how great it would be to have some extra time to myself, but I knew it was a lie. After helping him unpack and getting him settled on campus, I spent the drive home crying non-stop. For days I would sit in his room and look at his childhood items. I must have looked a mess to everyone, but I seriously missed him. After a few weeks, I gradually found that I enjoyed having less laundry and didn’t have to cook every night. My husband and I enjoyed more time together and I took up running. We kept in touch every week through Skype, so it didn’t feel like I was missing much. You’ll be surprised how quickly breaks arrive and she’ll be able to come home for a few days to catch up. The time really does fly and you’ll create a new relationship with her. It’s tough at first, but eventually you will both appreciate your new lives.</p>
<p>That’s such a hard feeling 
I’m sorry. </p>
<p>My mom went through a really hard time when I first went away. My older brother had moved out the year before and my dad works a lot, so it was usually just her and I. I’m fortunately close enough to home so I can go back if I want, and even though I come see my parents on most weekends, it’s not the same. </p>
<p>My mom really started getting into her work and on learning how to sew better. She also read a lot of books and took on little challenges. Every day she would try something new, and during the week, she would try and sew something together for me so that she could brag about it when I came home. 
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<p>From what I know about her process, just keep yourself busy and know that as much as parents miss their kids, we miss you guys too.</p>
<p>I’m having a hard time with the idea that one’s child can be their best friend. Best friends are who we turn to when we’re stuck on an issue with our spouse or SO, our jobs, or, yes, our KIDS. I can’'t imagine putting the burden on the young people we’re supposed to be GUIDING to guide US. But I’ve heard it can be common with single parents, so maybe that’s what’s going on here.</p>
<p>That said, of course I missed my S when he left for the military-I didn’t sleep or eat right for a year-and I cried-a lot-when my D left for college. But they don’t cease all contact. In fact, I got closer to both of my kids AFTER they left because they had so much of their new, adult lives to share with me in their calls and visits.</p>
<p>They are grown now and our relationships are different because they are on their own. We CAN do “friend” type things together, though of course they still ask for advice. As adults, though, they aren’t bound to take it. As minors under my roof, I had every right to set boundaries. That’s hard to do when you consider your kid your equal. </p>
<p>Even before our kids leave we should have some life outside of their orbit-hobbies, actual adult friends, perhaps travels that don’t include them. That makes the downtime easier to bear. When my youngest leaves for college that will be my last, and I know it will be REALLY different for me and H-but that’s the great thing-he and I and our friends and family will be together to explore the next chapter in our lives, and what with Skype and Facetime and unlimited cell calls and texts, I will probably be in touch with D as often as if she lived at home since she’s already involved in so many activities there are days I only see her in the car as we drive to one of them.</p>
<p>I’m reminded of the popular poster in the 70’s-“If you love something set it free.” I can’t think of anything more stifling to our kids than not raising them to be ready to fly away.</p>
<p>My oldest is now a junior and chose a college just twenty minutes away. We told her that she needed to live within the college life for the first two years and the first year, she left her car at home. I wanted her to have the experiences that freshmen learn and to establish friendships as I had in college. Her first two years in the dorm, besides moving in and out, I visited her dorm room less than five times. Most times were to pick her up or to deliver something critical. When she was looking at rentals for her senior year, I referred to her house as home and she indignantly told me she was home. She has enjoyed her choice to stay close to home, but I think she comes home more often because we let her free to start. Okay, I do admit to making a double batch of chocolate chip cookies to lure her home one weekend in the winter of her sophomore year. But, it’s been so fun to see her grow.</p>
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<p>Actually, I believe there’s something to that. I was single-parented by my mom, and she had a really hard time when I went away to college (of course, by then, she’d had two much much younger children from a second marriage and was losing her prime babysitter ;)) Our relationship seemed a little more akin to a “friendship” than normal, and strangely enough, decades later this is very much still true on one level.</p>
<p>Not that I’d meant to continue the cycle, but my son ended up being “single-parented” after a fashion by me for many of his developmental years until I remarried when he was in 7th grade. While in some things I was perhaps stricter and a disciplinarian, in other ways, we were kind of kindred spirits. We had similar hobbies, affinities, creative talents etc. We even to a small degree would play/write music together and riff on story ideas, etc. </p>
<p>I was also blessed in that his friends were very comfortable hanging out at our home and spending time with us. </p>
<p>So when my son went away to college, I wasn’t just missing HIM and all the creative energy he brought to the house, I was also missing his friends and their hijinx, and many of the parents I’d been involved with during different school activities (ptsa, legislative committee, jazz band, etc.) He was a wonderful source of entertainment ;)</p>
<p>I think in our case, it was developmentally critical that he ‘break’ a little farther and harder. As he matured during his teens, for example, I sometimes felt that he “worried” about me (and needlessly, I might add.) This is a trait that tends to be a bit “over-developed” in a single-parented boy, particularly if he’s been single parented between the ages of 5 - 8, or so the research shows.</p>
<p>At any rate, here are a few things I did to help cope, some of which are tongue-in-cheek but truly all are things that helped in this transition ;)</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Bought a shiny red electric guitar to make my own music. Within 6 months, however, said absent kid had “borrowed” it and I haven’t seen it since.</p></li>
<li><p>Really took a liking to being able to wander around the house nude, to the point where now it’s a bit of a PITA when he’s home for a visit ;)</p></li>
<li><p>Expropriated some of his dresser drawers and closet space, which I had always evilly coveted.</p></li>
<li><p>Started “college mom parties” with a handful of my favorite moms from his school. We still attempt to meet every month or so for dinner, drinks, hot-tubbing, and chatting about our kiddos. Every so often, we include the men.</p></li>
<li><p>Continued volunteering for son’s magnet program for a few years…gracefully only really bowed out last year (son is a college senior now…enough is enough 
Still, am doing career day presentations and will help the GC when she gets a kid who needs to know about music schools, etc.</p></li>
<li><p>Spend time on college confidential attempting to share useful information/advice to prospective college kids, which can at times really be gratifying. I don’t think kids get enough help/guidance in their schools, and some have parents who aren’t necessarily attuned to the nuances of the process.</p></li>
<li><p>Despite all these other activities, still got bored and bought a new house (foreclosure), which required extensive renovation, which occupied me to no end managing subcontractors, doing some work DIY, rehabbing a swamp (swimming pool) and maintaining my day job.</p></li>
<li><p>Became a landlord and renovated old house, which entertained me every single spare hour of the day for about 4 months.</p></li>
<li><p>Bought a kayak and began slowly to overcome fear of kayaking alone. (Used to canoe a lot with son when he was little, and my h won’t go near same…) Just this year have found a new kayak friend for spring!</p></li>
<li><p>At different points, have made an effort to go see his friends here in town when they perform, or occasionally hire them in to do some work, or donate old furniture to them etc. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>There are a million other ways to entertain yourself, of course. Those were just the things that seemed to balance out the different “things” his presence gave…
I’ve also increased my own creative pursuits at his eggin’ on…he keeps saying I had to finish a book before he graduates.</p>
<p>I did finish a book, but didn’t like the POV so am rewriting it with a different POV. I may not make the deadline ;)</p>
<p>mtMom0209, as you can see from all these posts you are clearly not alone. I feel the SAME as you. I am scared and worried. Until now its been the excitement and the stress of college visits/applications, etc. Now its beginning to feel very real. I know my D will make friends and excel in school. I worry because she suffers from anxiety at times but it has gotten so much better recently. I secretly hope she chooses the school two hours away and not five hours away, but I don’t say a word. I remind myself that this is her time and not mine. As I read all the helpful information above I have a giant lump in my throat! I really like the idea of Facetime. I guess its time I break down and finally buy that iPhone :)</p>
<p>And definitely look at that Empty Nest thread. You will get a lot of comfort and great ideas from people who have dealt with the same grief as you are enduring.</p>
<p>I went through all this when D left 3 years ago. Now son is leaving this fall. I told S the other day I am getting into the crying zone - he just rolled his eyes…</p>
<p>I’ve found that volunteering at the local humane society has been very therapeutic. Something about having a scared, shy and stressed 70+ dog crawl onto your lap and cuddle is very healing. Also, we have a few failure to launch examples in the extended family. This helps with perspective.</p>
<p>D and I text daily. Usually nothing of major importance. I suspect S will be less forthcoming and that will be difficult.</p>
<p>Hang in there…</p>
<p>I have 2 Ds, the eldest and I have always been very close. I have a home office and when she came home from high school, she would come up to my office, I’d shut down for an hour and we’d talk about her day. When she left for college 3 years ago to attend her dream school in NYC it was hard, but I knew I’d still have my younger D around for 3 more years. Eldest daughter and I still text pretty much every day (I let her initiate) and I feel very fortunate still to be a huge part of her life. She lives in an apartment off campus and rarely comes home but I know it’s because she is so busy trying to get her career launched and has so much to do. When she did come home for extended periods of time (like her first summer and 2 winter breaks) I could see she was bored to tears. It’s not easy going from the hustle and bustle of NYC to a small town. She needs to be where she is for her career, and thankfully, loves the city, so I support her as much as I can.</p>
<p>Youngest D and I are close, but this past year brought us even closer. She’s been sick for over a year with frequent hospitalizations, numerous specialist visits and just me being her rock when she didn’t know how she was going to keep going on. Her leaving in 5 mos is breaking my heart, of course I love my daughter, but I truly LIKE her. We can talk for hours, laughing, goofing off, being serious or just hanging out without saying anything; even at 17 she’s incredibly interesting. It’s been her choice to apply to schools out of state and I support her. This is her life to lead and I can’t stand in her way. She’s voiced her apprehension at leaving me, but I have to be strong for her (I only break down when she’s not around). As others have said, I put on the brave face and tell her that it will be hard at first being so far away, but I’ll only be a phone call, text message or skype away if she needs me. She will make friends that will be her pseudo-family and she will have the time of her life. </p>
<p>What will I do after she’s left? Well, to fill the nurture hole, we got a new puppy last July. He’s a huge bundle of energy and I love taking him for walks and runs. I’m back at the gym and plan on taking some classes, too. My husband I have been heavily involved in our music association for the past 8 years so that is another gap needed to be filled. Spontaneous travel sounds very appealing and there’s always friends and family.</p>
<p>It’s going to be very hard when she leaves no matter what I fill my time with, but I raised her to be strong and independent. She has grand plans for her life, they both do, and it would be selfish of me to stand in their way. </p>
<p>You’ll make it through, we all will, it’s just a matter of time.</p>
<p>This made sense to me, even well before I had children. Always helps when I get sad about my kids not being with me any longer.</p>
<p>“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.</p>
<p>You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For thir souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.”
― Kahlil Gibran</p>
<p>I was a single mother when my son, the second and last, left for college in 2008. Hole in my heart.</p>
<p>Falling in love and partnering up has made a huge difference. Still miss my kids, still adore them, but have found enormous new happiness.</p>
<p>It is tough. My kids (the older ones, anyway) were very difficult just before they left home, but I still missed them terribly. Yes, I wanted them to be independent, I raised them to be so, and boy, are they ever, but yeah. It does get better with time, it really does, but that first year is hard.</p>
<p>Alwaysinterested-YES, exactly! I used to have that poem on my wall-it’s exactly how I feel.</p>
<p>kmcmom13-I want to be you when I grow up, lol. I was a single mom for most of my two older kids’ middle years. But I think their leaving was made easier by the fact that they were often with their dad for long periods of time-summers, vacations, etc. The first of THOSE seemed much harder than their going away after HS!</p>
<p>My H and I joke about your #2-we tell the younger D that when SHE leaves, all bets are off-we’re running through the house naked every day! She is so scandalized, lol.</p>
<p>I’ve single-parented mine for twelve years and we are very close. She also has three very close friends here in her hometown, where there is a state university. She has said more than once that she is “scared” or “nervous” about leaving. </p>
<p>My sorrow about losing her is balanced by this worry: that she will stay here, go to the local (and pretty mediocre) university, room with her best friend, and miss out on that huge, life-expanding experience that is going away to college in a different region.</p>
<p>Everyone I talk to about it, everything I read says trust your kid’s choices. I realize the choice must be hers alone. Still I have both the sorrow and the worry.</p>
<p>I am SO looking forward to May 1st, when things will be decided!</p>
<p>My son went off to college last year, and far away too.</p>
<p>You must focus on the amazing experiences your kid will have at her new school.</p>
<p>Fortunately, with the internet, it is easy to stay in touch with her on an instant basis, but I wouldn’t do that.</p>
<p>Let her have her space.</p>
<p>Plus, there are always GRANDCHILDREN !!!</p>
<p>Hugs. I have no advice other than “this,too, shall pass”. Before you know it, she’ll be graduating college!</p>
<p>I’m actually a student but my mother is in the same position. All 3 of us are in college, with my brother studying overseas, thousands of miles away in Japan, my little sister(the youngest and last of us) transferring and leaving in the Fall, and I at UCLA(although only 40 miles away, but still). I can’t possibly know how you feel but my mother eventually got over it once we started disappearing one by one. I commend your selflessness for letting your daughter make her own decision about where she decides to attend college. I know some parents can be a bit selfish and choose where their kids go. I imagine it will be especially difficult if she is your only child. </p>
<p>One thing to consider. I have a friend who was the only child and had a very very close relationship with his mother(his father had passed when he was very young) so when he moved from southern California to San Jose in northern California, 8 hours away he had difficulty adjusting. As an only child he had issues getting along with his roommate and being so homesick affected his studies. He ended up getting into a big confrontation with his roommate, dropped out, moved back home and has decided(as far as I know) not to go back to school.</p>
<p>So what I am saying is that sometimes it’s good to let go and better sooner than later. Also with iChat and Skype it will almost be like she never left! You’ve also got summers and spring break to look forward to. Good luck to you!</p>
<p>Wow, kmcmom13, you really went to it! I am very impressed! Makes me feel like a serious slacker.</p>
<p>When my daughter left for college 1,900 miles away, I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. It was sad, lonely and worried for her safety 24/7.
FAST- FORWARD 5 years later: she had a great college experience, graduated, and got a fabulous job. She is still 1900 miles away, but we are very close, we talk just about everyday and I am SO very proud of her. Hang in there, it will be rough for a while but it will get better…much better.</p>