<p>we only have 1 child, our golden girl who is our life.All my family are deceased and my husband’s live in France and his Mum has terminal cancer. So I read all your comments and understand that no matter how far they go…they are still no longer with you, but… I’m not sure I would be so concerned if mine was just in another state. Mine is leaving Sydney and going to the USA… Not across the country or to another state. And we have no other children. When she goes its a long way away and we will be parents alone. But what an amazing opportunity and we are so excited for her and that has to come first over any feelings of sadness/ loss/ potential loneliness ! She has just been awarded a Robertson scholarship…
So, sad American Mums…it could be worse! Looks like a few US road trips will be on our itineraries…</p>
<p>^^^^Wow, a Robertson scholar. What an honor. My D attended UNC and had several friends who were Mooreheads and Robertsons. Is your child going to UNC or Duke? Well, regardless, they will be attending both! At least you will have the knowledge that these kids are quite well looked after. I think she will have an amazing experience, and I’m sure you are so proud!</p>
<p>Change. Loss. Disappointment. We choose our response, right? </p>
<p>Tell me how to react when I see a shelf crammed with pinewood derby cars and sports trophies and medals? Where is the boy that goes with those? </p>
<p>How do I drown out the silence of a house that first was filled with sounds of Thomas the Train and Hot Wheels cars, then Indie music, video games and Rock Band? </p>
<p>How do I shake off the memory of the crush of his last hug, the one he gave me before he walked toward his new dorm? We stood and watched until he was out of view. And, oh, how I cried. </p>
<p>Some evenings I stare at the TV, distracted by shows about drilling for gold, mothers telling daughters they look ugly in their wedding dresses and housewives who are neither home, nor married. I feel oddly comforted by people whose uncles are named “Poodle,” who get pumpkins stuck on their heads and whose children think their mother’s double chin is bee-u-tee-mous. </p>
<p>I’ve stopped expecting to see my son’s car in the driveway each evening when I get home. I’ve given up hoping for many phone calls from him and expecting quick responses to my infrequent texts. When we do talk, I sometimes believe him when he says he can’t talk because he needs to study. </p>
<p>New dog. Busier job. A husband who worries about me and tries his hardest not to argue with our freshman when he does come home. Change continues.</p>
<p>No magic wand.</p>
<p>DPooch. I have a son too. It does get better. Hang in there.</p>
<p>Dear Nrdsb4…we are sooo proud. In fact we can’t quite believe it! This is an amazing opportunity for a girl from Sydney.Her first preference is Duke but as you know they do attend both campuses. Probably UNC is more social and fun and a bigger campus but Duke’s reputation is hard to beat. It might be a little intimidating. We will go over to see a bit of the US, settle her in and then get prepared for the 4 years of our girl away…</p>
<p>Coming to this discussion late, and I haven’t read all the pages, but it sure seems like missing your college babies is universal.
I cried all that summer as move in day approached. I cried on the way there, driving through two states. I cried as as got her room set up (we have lovely photos of the both of us, faces red, swollen and wet), and we all cried when it was time to leave her there. I cried all the way home. And when I got home. </p>
<p>But she’s a sophomore now, and I cry much less. We both still tear up when she goes back to school after a visit, but the day to day is much easier now.</p>
<p>Cry all you want to. At some point, it will get easier.
Just remember, this was the goal, to raise a child who can take care of themselves. You did a good job, now it’s time to let go a bit. It’s so hard, I know. Time heals.</p>
<p>My daughter is only a junior and she is my baby, so I will be mourning her loss when she goes away in 18 months. I understand completely how you feel. She is my best friend, I haven’t worked outside the home in years and don’t have a large network of friends, so I will be very lonely unless I find something productive to do with my time. Also my husband and I are estranged.</p>
<p>excellent post.</p>
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<p>Like someone upthread, I also do have a hard time imagining being “best friends” with a child that young as it seems to me that at that age, a teen really needs mom to be MOM and not friend. I also think it can actually be a burden on a teen to know that she is mom’s best friend-it’s a responsibility of sorts-as she will feel guilty to move on and start her adult life. That said, even though I don’t understand the notion, I don’t judge it because I haven’t walked in those shoes, so couldn’t even begin to know for certain what the long term implications actually are. I would just say try to be aware of the possibility that your relationship is feeding a need in you that just might be more responsibility than such a young person should bear…then again, you might very well be great at balancing the mom job and personal closeness. I know some do it very well.</p>
<p>As to friendships, I don’t actually believe one needs a “large network of friends” in order to be happy and independent. But close friends are important. Anyone who has a small but close network of true friends knows what an incredible blessing they can be. I would look at your child’s last 18 months as not only the time to prepare her for leaving the nest, but also to prepare yourself. Look for opportunities to meet other women-clubs, church, gym, adult education classes, gardening group, book club, running club, support group, etc., etc. Anything which brings you into contact with others at regular intervals is a fertile feeding ground for making friends. Getting a job (part time seems to be the ideal for me) or volunteering somewhere where you are pushed out of yourself and into the world helping others is a great way to feed your soul. You can begin to see the world from other perspectives rather than being “me centered,” which I think comes very naturally to us and needs to be countered.</p>
<p>A good thing about your situation is that you are not letting life rush you so much that you are not cognizant of the blessing your child is or that you are not taking time to value this last phase of her life as a child. When D1 was a senior, DH was diagnosed with cancer and we spent the better part of that year focusing on him and his disease. Before I knew it, D1 was gone, having to cede that last year to her father’s needs. Neither she nor we had the luxury of letting that last year revolve around her, and to cherish that time mentally. You can at least prepare yourself and her for this change, all the while savoring each day. So you are a lucky mom!</p>
<p>Nothing wrong with getting that lump in your throat at the thought of her leaving. It’s our job. :)</p>
<p>@ COMEDIAN—Make sure you stop at TEXAS is a wonderful place to visit 
@ LINYMOM----“When my kids were 7 and 4, I told them that I loved this age; please stay like this. Said the same thing at 8 and 5. But they grow up and things change. It’s part of life and being upset about it doesn’t get anyone anywhere. We can’t help but be partly sad about it, as the parents, and it is challenging to work through it. Love all the input on this thread; there’s a lot of good advice”…
I totally said the same to my kids
I have two boys -18 & 13- My youngest one was born in USA, we came from Mexico 15 years ago, no family or siblings near us. The four of us are like a TEAM we love to watch movies, listen to music and read books, my H and I love to go and see our kids to perform in either theater or music plays My S is going to NYU, he told me when he was 4yrs "When I grow up am moving to NY ", when he was in 7th grade he told us “I am going to NYU”. Last year he announced us “I am just applying to NYU”. He got in. WE ARE VERY PROUD OF HIM AND VERY HAPPY. But I have to admit that my heart will be parted in two pieces and he will take half with him, my two boys are the most wonderful part of my life.<br>
Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories, I joined the group a few months ago and it was a wise decision. You had help me a lot with all your advice </p>
<p>Mtmom, I know what you are going through because my only child started college last fall. Two main things:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You need to have things you love to do for yourself. We put our kids first for 18 years but now you get more time to prioritize things you love to do. For me it is art work. For you it might be kick boxing or starting a book club or running for office in local politics. You must have something that you loved to do before you becam a Mom that you can now return to or have more time to pursue.</p></li>
<li><p>You are never far from your loved ones these days with texting, email, facebook, cell phones, etc. You can “chat” often with your child. It’s not like when we went to college and the long distance bills had be taken into consideration! If you and your daughter are that close, I’m sure you’ll be emailing & texting back and forth all the time. But do take the time to also strengthen your adult friendships and give your child space to make new friends as well. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>You’ll be fine - I am!</p>
<p>I have been reading this with sorrow and comfort. Emeraldkity, I am so sorry. I know your feeling that your daughter must be so troubled and alone. Hoping for the best for you, her and your family.</p>
<p>I have been supervising the care of my 90-year-old dad and 92-year-old stepmother who live an hour away from me. It is a very lonely pursuit and always a relief to get home to my often snotty, totally normal 17-year-old high school junior. I don’t do a great job for the elders but I do the best I can manage and I hope that it’s good enough. For as long as this remains my responsibility, it will be difficult but much more so without the presence of my daughter. It’s always been just her and me, I adopted her when she was almost 2 and I was almost 50.</p>
<p>Fortunately I have increased my group of friends via a group of people who found one another on a blog about architecture in Brooklyn, NY and somehow became friends. Mostly childless adults, an amazing variety of individuals, rarely a dull moment with them. And I have other friends that I’ve met as neighbors and fellow-travelers through the NYC public school system and the China-adoption community. I push myself to meet up with at least a couple of them every week for breakfast and lunch. I hope enough of them will be here for me when I’m on my own a year from August.</p>
<p>Dear mtmom0209 and everyone who has contributed to this thread, thank you so much. I sit hear smiling and crying and hoping that next year at this time I will be replying to a similar post saying its not as bad as I expected. Im a mom of an only-child daughter. When she was born everyone said, Oh a girl! Just wait until shes a teenager! and I knew what they were talking about because I myself was moody and sullen as a teenager. Not the case at all with my daughter. She has been so easy to raise and we really are best friends. Ive worked full time since she was an infant but these days I work from home 3-4 days/week. The highlight of my day is when she comes home from school and we sit on her bed and talk about her day, even if it is just to hear her complain about school (serious senioritis has set in). And now that the weather is getting nice in the Chicago area, we have been taking long walks together. My heart aches thinking about how much I will miss our daily bedroom chats and long walks.</p>
<p>Hmm, there are support groups for other difficult life events dealing with divorce, illness and death. Shouldnt there be support groups for new empty-nesters? Whos up for starting a new empty-nester support group with me in the Chicago area? :)</p>
<p>Hi There, My daughter moved away last August. We only have one child, we are very close. the first few days, weeks, months were so hard. It has gotten easier. One day at a time… it gets easier. she came home for Thanksgiving, it was such a big deal. then Christmas break, then spring… we are going to see her in 2 weeks. It does get easier. I was going through depression, I wanted to quit my job. Oh you have no idea… but I am so glad to see my daughter is happy 1100 miles away. she has become such a great young adult. It will be ok…</p>
<p>It does get easier—but you have to remember, did you think she would be living in your house her whole life? This is what you wanted for her, and what she wants, too, to go to college. </p>
<p>There is always a bit of a sting at life-changing times, but this is a good & happy life change. Think of the people whose life change is that their child has cancer, not to guilt you or anything… ; - ) This prepares you for the day she walks down the aisle–now you <em>know</em> that she is not going to have daily bedroom chats with you when she is married (assuming that is where her path takes her)!</p>
<p>And, as everyone has said, there is Skype, texting, etc – when I was a college freshman, there was one phone in a booth at the end of the hall, and our parents would call us on Sunday afternoons because the LD rate was cheaper then. And you could not talk long, becaause the other kids were waiting to get their calls!</p>
<p>There is nothing stopping you & her from having a daily chat using skype, when she is at school! Just don’t be surprised if, as time goes by, she is finding less & less time for it! But that is a good sign…</p>
<p>My daughter & I text all the time; yesterday my phone made the Tardis sound (the ring tone she put on it) & there were photos coming in from the dressing room of Delia’s in the mall near her school–she was trying on dresses & skirts. The weather has gotten warmer there & she has decided all those graphic tees are too immature… it was like being there in the dressing room, saying which flattered her more & all that. Texting really does take the sting out of the separation! Best part—she paid for her purchases with earnings from her campus job!</p>
<p>And I send her pics too–of her cat, of things blooming now, anything I think she will like to see. </p>
<p>My “baby” is a soph now & I have to say, at first it was a bit too quiet around here. But you now have the chance to read all those books you have been putting off, and get that old chair stripped & refinished, or the garden replanned & dug up & nice bulbs & stuff put in. </p>
<p>You can learn how to knit or crochet or anything else you never did because you were toobusy with child raising & work. Now you have some time to do this kind of thing. I crochet & it is really fun to have something to do with my hands while watching TV. And make gifts at the same time, or one of a kind garments for myself. </p>
<p>You can do for others—can you drive Meals on Wheels in your town? There are a lot of elderly people who would be awfully happy to have you visit them for a bit when you drop off the meals. How about helping at lunch time in the local soup kitchen? You meet some very interesting people when you do things like that. And you are very, very needed. </p>
<p>If you are married, you also get to watch TV shows with your husband that you could not because you were being laughed at, or because someone else wanted to watch NCIS. </p>
<p>And to go somewhere with your husband on weekends (for us, museums), and all those other things that have been left “for later” that you did not have time to do when all those college visits, sports games, Scouts, etc etc had to be taken care of. </p>
<p>And for anyone who does not have a husband----well, go to all those things with a friend! I have 2 divorced women friends and I go with them to things my husband is not that fond of (dance performances!). I wish I could have hit the Philly Flower Show with my lady friends this year but it coincided with spring break when DD was home. Maybe next year…</p>
<p>The other thing I have noticed is all of a sudden the older “kids” in the family (the nieces and nephews who are in their 30s) have begun to have babies and now I have been crocheting gifts like a maniac. Nothing quite like a grandaunt or grandma-made blanket!</p>
<p>You also get to eat leftovers without hearing complaints; sometimes we just make ourselves sandwiches (especially at tax time!). </p>
<p>Don’t be scared—it is part of life and you & she are <em>both</em> entering a different part of your lives. You will find that you really do enjoy the fact that you now have two kinds of time—time when she is home and you focus on her, and time when she is not and you can do anything you want. You will like it more than you realize!!!</p>
<p>My best wishes to you & hang in there!</p>
<p>I struggled too with this. I’m a single parent and was as prepared as I could be for my son going away. And it does go by fast, the time they are gone, just as fast as their childhoods seemed to. </p>
<p>But then I came home from dropping him to my ex serving me for custody of my D and it all fell apart.
Here is what I learned, be kind to yourself. For me at least, people kept saying you need to get out, sell your house etc…and really I just needed to be in it to adjust fully. It has been a very hard year, but I try to remember this is after 18 very good years. Distraction is good and makes the time go though. I feel for you and know its hard.</p>
<p>Sorry elle232, hope all goes your way with the custody battle.</p>
<p>thank you, I don’t even know what to call it, custody battle seems so odd. Both kids lived with me, since my daughter was 3. I am just stunned, and do get that its about freedom and no supervision and cars and parties, but just how I have been treated is what is hard. It will be okay, its just hard to watch a kid spiral after being an even good kid and student her whole life, and she is spiraling on all levels, and not be able to help. I worry too that she will live to regret how she treated me, in the way we all cringe at things we said, but this is so HUGE, and it has been quite cruel.
I guess the good news is it distracted me from missing the older one so much!</p>
<p>Sending you positive thoughts, elle.</p>
<p>Embrace the fact you have raised a daughter who is smart, strong and capable. Don’t let her know how much you dread her leaving for college. Really, with skype, texting, Facebook. it is easy to keep in touch. You love her and loving her means allowing her to grow, no matter the difficulty. I’ve also found time to reclaim my former life, working out, date nights with my husband, re-connecting with my friends w/o children. It takes a while, but finding yourself after being a 24/7 parent can be as rewarding as watching your beautiful daughter learn about herself and the world.</p>