<p>Just got an invite from late brother’s widow to their oldest son’s 16th birthday party.</p>
<p>We haven’t been invited to the kids’ parties for at least the last three years, so this comes as a big surprise.</p>
<p>I know she has a new, serious boyfriend, and I can tell from the evite that he will be attending.</p>
<p>I really don’t like going to their parties, as everyone drinks, and it is a totally different crowd than we grew up with. </p>
<p>I’m torn whether I should go for the boys’ sake, though, to let him know we are still there for him. Since he’s turning 16, he may realize that we were invited and chose not to attend.</p>
<p>The invite also indicates there will be a special surprise. I’m guessing it’s either an engagement announcement or a new car for the boy, both of which will be upsetting for us. </p>
<p>Would love some insight on this, advice. </p>
<p>I just feel weird about showing up at a party after not being in his life for the last three years, but worry that he would hold a grudge if we did not come after finally being invited.</p>
<p>I think you should go. I have a friend who was widowed when her daughters were 12 and 14. Her eldest daughter just got married, no one from her late husband’s family attended.
She was hurt, her daughter was very hurt.</p>
<p>Montegut, Sorry for the loss of your brother. I would go. You say you have not been in your nephew’s life for the last 3 years. Has his mother kept you from seeing him?</p>
<p>If things have been weird and now they are reaching out, I would go and give it a chance, maybe things are stranger than ever and you keep your distance in the future, but there is also the chance that things could improve from here.</p>
<p>I would go for the boy’s sake. The 16th birthday is a milestone, and it would be food for him for sone f his dad’s family to be there for him.</p>
<p>When my S turned 16 I went to a party my ex had for him, which was mostly that side of the family. I brought my D’s from my current marriage, and his D from his last marriage was there as well. It was weird but good.</p>
<p>I say definitely go. My father died when I was young and we ended up getting cut off from his side of the family, not necessarily intentionally. We always regretted losing contact with our cousins, aunts/uncles. It was up to my siblings and myself to reach out when we became adults. We were very much welcomed and we’re glad we did but we regret having lost so many years in between.</p>
<p>I agree with others that you should go, to give the relationship with your nephew a chance, if for no other reason. I certainly understand your not wanting to be with a heavy-drinking crowd, though.</p>
<p>I’m wondering why you would be upset by an engagement, or by an extravagant birthday gift. It sounds like there is some history here.</p>
<p>Just to add… as a kid, I never really knew or understood about the background drama between my surviving mother and my father’s family. Have to say, my siblings all expressed regret that we didn’t have a closer relationship with our father’s side of the family. We don’t know (or want to) all the behind the scenes drama but it wasn’t until we were “adults” that we really acknowledged what we had missed. Had our mom’s issues kept us from our father’s side of the family? Did our father’s family shun us? Were there other things we didn’t know? I’m not sure and it doesn’t really matter. What I can say is that as a child (like your 16 yr old nephew) we were innocent and clueless. It’s up to you do the right thing for your nephew - regardless of what “surprise” there might be. I can’t help but think (with the experience and knowledge of my childhood) that if one of my siblings died, they would want me to stay in their child’s life.</p>
<p>I really don’t think it will matter one bit if you go or not. I really don’t think a 16 year old kid really cares if their aunt or uncle attends their party.</p>
<p>"I’m guessing it’s either an engagement announcement "</p>
<p>An engagement announcement for who? The kid??</p>
<p>I disagree. Teenagers who lose a parent suddenly see the importance of family in a very different way. And don’t think they aren’t worried about who will be there for them should something suddenly happen to mom.</p>
<p>I totally agree that you should go. He’s still your nephew and you should keep that relationship. Even if you’re not enthused about staying in touch with your ex SIL. Although I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want that either. She has to move on with her life. Unless there’s more here that you have not explained,.</p>
<p>Would it be a big inconvinence for you to go? At 16, he will know you were invited and declined. I knew these things at age 4. Whether you care or not is different. He might resent it forever or not care at all since he might have friends there . Might barely notice an aunt he hasn’t seen in years isn’t there. Might also not care if you come since he doesn’t know you very well (correct?).Maybe you can go, give him a card/gift and leave all in less than an hour.</p>
If you haven’t been in touch for 3+ years then why should this be of any concern to you? As others have posted, there is probably more behind the scene that we are not aware of. But under normal circumstance, I don’t know how and why you could have chosen to be out of your nephew’s life for so long. </p>
<p>Yes, you should go to the party if it means grin and bear it. Teenagers are generally very sensitive and insecure, your nephew will know if you showed up even if he doesn’t acknowledge it at the party. I think someone just offered an olive branch, I would take it for the kids’ sake.</p>
<p>I’m going to chime in with the majority. I also lost my father young, and had little connection between us and his family. It was a loss. Even if you have (unstated) reservations about your nephew or his mother, you may feel different in the future, and regardless, a sane and stable adult relationship may make a difference in who he becomes.</p>
<p>I have a close family, but when my D was in her early teens we did not invite family to her birthday parties. We did invite everyone for her 16th as it is a milestone. I also agree with the others who say this boy may need a connection with you.</p>