<p>I think OP should also think about the connections her son has or doesn’t have with his extended family. She may think it doesn’t make a difference & that fine, but the next generation makes connections to each other by watching what the elder generation does.
Since he doesn’t have any siblings, cousins have to fill that role.</p>
<p>Speaking as a widow, I would urge you to go. I can imagine it would be difficult for you to see your SIL with a new man, even though you know how important and appropriate it is for her to move on with her life after a devastating loss. My late husband’s family, I’ve learned, are not crazy about me. They have done essentially nothing to stay in touch with my daughter, however, which is painful to her and to me. (She was not yet 3 years old when he died; she is 18 now.) They live in England, so the distance is an issue, but over the years we are the ones who have made an effort to keep a connection. If I were you, I would want to have a connection with my late brother’s child.</p>
<p>Sometimes things get weird and uncomfortable with family you haven’t seen lately or old friends. They invited you for a reason…maybe reaching out? Either you go and things will be OK and you will be a part of your nephew’s life or things will continue to be strained. At least you will have tried.</p>
<p>I would bet that your brother never intended for you to lose touch with his son. You knew your brother in a way no one else did. It is from you that your nephew could learn what his father was like at this age. You could share your brother with his son now that his son is getting older. Bite the bullet and go. Be gracious. At worst, you did the right thing. At best, you could have a good time and build a relationship with your nephew as he becomes a man. No child can ever have too many people to love him. If it goes well, maybe you could become a bigger part of your nephew’s life. Please give it a shot.</p>
<p>Speaking as the niece who has been deserted by most family, I urge you to go. It’s really for his sake. It sucks to feel abandoned by family (whether you actually are or not, it’s the feeling). It will mean a lot to him that you came. Maybe not right away, but in the long run, it will.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else. It’s about your nephew, not your SIL, her parenting philosophy, the drinking habits of her friends, or your comfort level. I assume that alcohol is not being served to minors. </p>
<p>Not sure why you would be surprised not to be invited to birthday parties over the last three years, unless it was very clear they have been inviting everyone but you. Most teenagers don’t have big birthday parties by that age, while they may celebrate the milestones. Have you made efforts to reach out to their children since their father passed away? If not, could they have been expecting more of an effort on your end?</p>
<p>I am curious as to why a new car for the boy (if that’s the surprise) would be upsetting for you. </p>
<p>As for a potential engagement, I can see how it might be difficult because it reminds me of your brother’s loss, but it’s clear you haven’t been close to your SIL so, honestly, I think you give up a little right to be miffed about the actions of people you’re not in contact with. What is the backstory with you and SIL?</p>
<p>I doubt that the engagement would be announced at a birthday party. I can understand that it might be painful for you to learn that your SIL is remarrying, but after 3 years it is time for her to move on. Your brother probably would have wanted her to remarry.</p>
<p>My sons have relationships with some of my siblings, independent of me, and I consider these, as well as their relationships with their cousins, to be among the most important for them. There is something special about a relationship with an adult relative who is not your parent.</p>
<p>Look forward to the day when the nephew might reach out and around his mom’s patterns to find, in you and your family, a good connection. Build a foundation now with small gestures and hope for the best. In my own family, I’m seeing a lot of reconnecting by post-college nieces and nephews. </p>
<p>Now, free of interference from their own parents or the need for permission, they are going to visit long-lost divorced parents and make fb contact with aunts/uncles lost for a decade. Sometimes this comes with marrying and having children of their own, so they long for family even more.</p>
<p>Not in all cases, of course. But if you lay the groundwork now with small gestures your nephew will remember, this might happen someday, by his initatiation or yours. If you walk off now, don’t expect anything good to ever happen.</p>
<p>Take the long view; overlook the SIL and realize you have the nephew. In 10 years he won’t be living around her and can make his own choices.</p>
<p>Here is a good gift for a 16 year old:
[Professional</a> Driving Techniques: The Essential Guide to Operating a Motor Vehicle with Confidence and Skill: Anthony J. Scotti: 9780979381317: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Professional-Driving-Techniques-Essential-Confidence/dp/0979381312/]Professional”>http://www.amazon.com/Professional-Driving-Techniques-Essential-Confidence/dp/0979381312/)</p>
<p>OP: We’re interested in your reaction to our posts. Come back.</p>
<p>paying3tuitions,It’s unclear to me whether or not the SIL has hampered a relationship with the OP or if it is the OP that has just really not pursued contact with the nephew after the brother’s death. Whatever the reason though for a lack of contact in the last three years, this may be an opportunity for a new beginning.</p>
<p>this is an easy one, it’s your brother’s son…you go. Think of the stories you can tell about his father, stories maybe no on else could tell. </p>
<p>sevmon has it right…a new beginning</p>
<p>Sorry for your the loss of your brother. There seems to be a back-story here. Agree with others. Go if you can do so with an open mind and compassion for the boy. It seems unlikely that either a new car or an engagement would be his decision. Kids who go along for a rocky ride with one or both parents are often very receptive to caring, stable adults who offer a small bit of refuge. Don’t go though, if it can only be viewed as an opportunity to confirm your disdain for the boy’s mother and her boyfriend. We have never regretted stepping up for our niece and nephew who found themselves isolated from the family because of their parents’ issues. Now in their 30’s, these young adults are very close to us.</p>
<p>I am sorry you lost your brother. When I thought about how difficult it would be for a 13-year-old boy to lose his dad, I imagined my S being without my H, his dad. I cried. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you and your brother’s family. Please go to the party. I know it will mean a lot to your nephew. And it should be nice for you, too, to reconnect with your brother’s son.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your replies. Sorry I’ve been out all day and haven’t been able to reply.</p>
<p>Last night, I went to a school function and ran into two people who we grew up with. I asked them about whether I should go, and one, a female, chided me that I could even think of not going. Our parents were good friends, and she said it’s what our parents would have wanted. She said that it was an olive branch and I should accept it rather than slap it away.</p>
<p>The other was a man the same age as my twin brothers. He was and still is a very good friend of theirs. He said that at 16, my nephew was two years away from adulthood, where he would make the decision who would be in his life in the future. He felt that my not going to the party would indicate to him that I wasn’t interested in being a part of his life.</p>
<p>I have decided to give, as a gift, a small framed picture of my father, who the young man shares a name with. He is the fourth, and my father was junior. My brother was the third. Although he may not appreciate it at his age, since this is a “milestone”, perhaps it is a fitting time to make this gesture. My brother married his mother after my father died, so they never had a relationship. My father may have met the girl once when they had first met, but they were not serious when he passed. In fact, my father’s funeral was the first day any of us siblings met her.</p>
<p>As for the engagement, I worry she will turn his day into her celebration, which would not be surprising, and may be insensitive to him and to us.</p>
<p>As for the car, well, it’s a lifestyle. I know it’s the norm now for kids to have their own car at an early age, but it has never been in our family. It will just solidify how different our family values are from hers. </p>
<p>And for the not being in his life for the last three years, initially, we were invited to parties, and would even visit every day when our brother first passed. But after a couple of years, we weren’t invited, but would see pictures on facebook of large parties that we were not invited to, where other not family members were. It was hardest on my sister, who is the godmother of one of the children, to be excluded, and I always comforted her with the fact that the kids will reach out to us when they’re older if they want us in their life. </p>
<p>It would take volumes to go into the history, but in short, my brother and his wife grew up in different worlds, and his children are now being raised in her world. </p>
<p>Thank you for all your input, and I’ll let you know how the event goes.</p>
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<p>Well, no, not in my experience. Back in the 60s, maybe.</p>
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<p>It may not be accurate, but going by some of the judgmental comments regarding the SIL and her friends you have made on this thread, you might want to consider whether your obvious disapproval when invited to such events played into the lack of invitations going forward.</p>
<p>But I think you should go anyway. If you care about preserving a relationship with the boy.</p>
<p>“And for the not being in his life for the last three years, initially, we were invited to parties, and would even visit every day when our brother first passed. But after a couple of years, we weren’t invited, but would see pictures on facebook of large parties that we were not invited to, where other not family members were”</p>
<p>Did you ever invite your SIL/nephew to events in your home or in your life? </p>
<p>As for the car - maybe it’s what your brother would have wanted. You seem a little stuck on your brother having to raise his child the way he was raised. People change. Your brother wasn’t obligated to stick with your parents’ ways, and your SIL is free to raise her child how she likes.</p>
<p>I think there is a lot more backstory that is at play. I suspect you never really liked your SIL.</p>
<p>“As for the engagement, I worry she will turn his day into her celebration, which would not be surprising, and may be insensitive to him and to us.”</p>
<p>Let’s assume your SIL is getting married again. Leave aside how it’s being announced. Do you see that event in and of itself to be hurtful or disrespectful to your brother’s memory? Is there a point where you think it is appropriate for her to marry again (if you feel 3 years isn’t sufficient)?</p>
<p>*As for the car, well, it’s a lifestyle. I know it’s the norm now for kids to have their own car at an early age, but it has never been in our family. It will just solidify how different our family values are from hers. *</p>
<p>The fact that other people’s values or lifestyles are different isn’t a reason to be miffed or upset by this. Giving a car isn’t immoral or unethical. It’s not like they’re having a stripper show up for the bday boy. I don’t think “giving a car” reflects much/anything about “family values”. </p>
<p>We gave our son a car for his 16th birthday and we don’t have bad “family values”. Our son needed the car to go to school. He went to a private school, so no bus service. It meant that I didn’t have to drive a carpool anymore…lol…which I had done since he was in kindergarten.</p>
<p>Just because another family makes different choices about various things that have nothing to do with ethics/morals is not a reason to be miffed. You’re looking for validation about your own family’s choices, and that’s bound to lead to unnecessary frustration since others will always make different choices. </p>
<p>Many people have been brought up in “different worlds” than the we have…that doesn’t make their choices/ideas “wrong” or make our choices/ideas “right”. </p>
<p>As for the possibility of her remarrying. Yes, it can be difficult to see a brother’s widow remarry, but please put yourself in her shoes. Remarrying after 3 years of widowhood isn’t scandalous. I know that you’re Catholic (as I am), so certainly you know that there isn’t anything “wrong” with her remarrying. My H’s very best friend (like a brother to him) drowned in a flash flood. We WANTED his widow to remarry and find happiness. She did and she’d been remarried for several years now. To expect or want her to remain single would be kind of selfish…expecting her to “live alone” while we aren’t living alone…just to make us feel better. That’s just not healthy. You’re married, you’re not alone…let her have someone, too.</p>