<p>“As for the engagement, I worry she will turn his day into her celebration, which would not be surprising, and may be insensitive to him and to us.”</p>
<p>I don’t think that when you are out of someone’s life for 3 years, they are obligated to tiptoe around your feelings. And I don’t buy that you’re worried about her engagement being “insensitive” to the son, when you were considering skipping the son’s special day. </p>
<p>I think the gift of your father’s picture is lovely, but I would think carefully about the message you’re sending when you haven’t been part of the son’s life and come bearing a picture of his grandfather he’s never met. It feels to me like you want to remind him “who he is” even though that side has been largely absent for 3 years – “reclaim” him in a sense. I might urge giving a gift that is less emotionally charged. I feel you’re trying to make a statement with the gift. Again, sweet idea, but maybe another time.</p>
<p>Just my opinion here…it is the kiddo’s 16th birthday. I think that a gift appropriate to that event is what should be given. The picture of the grandfather is a nice sentiment, but NOT an appropriate gift for this birthday. Simply put…would you give the same gift to any other family member for their 16th birthday? Would you give it to your own son? I think this makes your appearance at the birthday party look like its all about you. That should not be the case. It’s all about the birthday boy.</p>
<p>After my young husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I asked him if he expected me never to be involved with anyone else. He said, drily, “I think that would be a fitting memorial to my life.” Of course, he knew I’d have to move on. How would it have been better for anyone if I didn’t? And who is to say when the time is right? I rather thought I was in the best position to make that call.</p>
<p>I assumed it would be difficult for my late husband’s family to hear about boyfriends so I never brought them up. Since his family lives in another country it was easy enough to ignore the issue. When my mother-in-law came to visit, it would have been somewhat difficult to stash my current, longtime boyfriend in a closet, so she met him. He is a good man. I wish he could have met my late husband (too bad I don’t live in a Star Trek episode and therefore can’t arrange that meeting). </p>
<p>Losing a husband, losing a son, losing a brother, losing a father: All of these things are wrenching, and everyone who is involved hurts deeply in his or her own way. I think widowed parents have a particularly difficult time, though, because they need to manage their own grief while tending to the grief of vulnerable children who have so little experience mourning.</p>
<p>I don’t think the gift you are thinking of giving is appropriate for the boy’s 16th birthday. The picture would be best given at a time like Christmas or even Thanksgiving where family is a central theme. </p>
<p>For the gift I think you should stick with something your nephew has a current interest in. Does he play sports, videogames? You could also call his mother and ask what they are getting him that way you will know if its a car ahead of time.</p>
<p>I agree with all the other posters, go and be gracious and non judgemental. You say you are worried about the family values your SIL is imparting but you have to remember this is the woman your brother loved, married and had children with. I would think you owe it to his memory to be the uncle/aunt you would be if he were still alive. While the picture of your father is a nice thought, I wouldn’t make it a “gift” for your nephews 16th birthday. Why not give him an age appropriate gift, whatever that is for a 16 year old boy and if you have a picture of his dad when he was about that age, frame it and enclose it as well. I would save the picture of the grandfather who he never knew for another time.</p>
<p>This thread makes me sad. In my world family is so important and your brothers widow and his children are your family, even if you wouldn’t have picked them.
Actually, learning from and caring about those we wouldn’t normally is a bonus part of family relationships. It’s when we are challenged that we grow.</p>
<p>One thing you might think of giving is a letter of your memories of your brother at 16. Try to make it lighthearted and having known a few 16 yr old boys in my day, I don’t think it will be hard to find a good story!
;)</p>
<p>Didnt realize your brothers were twins. Your remaining brother is the one that is so diifficult to deal with wrt caring for your mom, selling the house, etc, yes? Has he remained connected with this nephew and their family? Based on what you’ve shared about him (the remaining brother), you definitely dont want his awful behavior to be the only connection the nephew has to your side of the family. </p>
<p>As one who also has a PITA brother, I think its a very good idea to remain connected to your late brother’s family. So I would definitly accept the invitation and go. And while it is really painful to see her move on and possibly get engaged, try to be happy for them, and for your nephew, who will have a father figure again. </p>
<p>As for the photo, its a touching idea, but I’d also include something else with it.</p>
<p>The impression I get is that the OP seems to be placing some blame on the KID for the estrangement, and implying that he doesn’t really need much of a gift since he hasn’t been in touch. If the widow has avoided her husband’s family at arms length, what KID is going to go against her wishes and reach out to them?? That’s a lot to ask of a teenager, already dealing with a heavy loss in life. Why anger the remaining parent? Youth in this situation would probably be inclined to do ANYTHING not to rock the boat.</p>
<p>Even if the OP doesn’t like the widow, it seems to me that he (?) is taking offense to the entire family. That just isn’t right. Going to the party with a token gift meant to hammer the teen on the head with “THIS is your family!” is almost as bad as skipping altogether.</p>
<p>I have two siblings who don’t speak, at all. I don’t think even they know why anymore. But it took until adulthood for the cousins to reach out to each other, and they’re all the better for it. At 16, kids aren’t usually strong or mature enough to do that.</p>
<p>Go, give the photo, but also give something that’s meaningful to the KID, not you. There’s nothing carved in stone that you can’t reach out NOW-pick up the phone, call the mother and ASK what he’d like! It will show a bit of maturity and kindness on your part, and be a part of the reconciliation that appears to be a goal on the nephew’s family’s part.</p>
<p>Not clear on your last sentence. Are you are saying that other family members were invited to these parties and you weren’t or that there have been parties where people who are <em>not</em> family members were invited and family was not? Was there a major event such as a wedding or sweet sixteen, or were these large parties more of an opportunity to invite friends who all knew one another? </p>
<p>Nothing wrong with giving the photo, but IMO everyone else is right - I think it makes a less than stellar choice for a 16 yo bday gift. I would give it to him when I knew there would be some private time to talk about it, which may or may not be the day of the party. Would just tell him there is something I want him to have - would not wrap it. </p>
<p>I think saying that saying the OP blames the kid isn’t accurate - it’s more that she thinks of the mother as having control and that he is being influenced to have little in common with their side of the family. Neither is a very good reason to cut off the relationship, though.</p>
<p>Giving that photo as your gift is nothing more than another shot in whatever ongoing war you have with the kid’s mother, and it will be taken as such. You could have given the boy a photo of his grandfather at any time over the past three years if you thought it was so darn important. And frankly, the boy will think you’re rather nuts to give such a weird present and will think he understands why you haven’t been included in family events. It certainly won’t help re-establish a relationship with the boy, if that’s your goal. If your attitude toward this family is as bitter and judgmental as it seems from your words here, better not to attend at all. You’ll be adding nothing to the celebration but your personal animus, and no one needs that at a birthday party.</p>
<p>Please don’t ambush the boy at his 16th birthday party with a gift that carries emotional content. Opening a package and finding a photo of his deceased father or his deceased grandfather or a letter about his father, with no preparation, would be very painful for him. I think it’s a lovely idea to give these things, but only in a more private setting and with preparation.</p>
<p>Give a nice, meaningful gift like an engraved Dalvey compass or compass keyring.</p>
<p>the picture as a gift can end up pretty badly if there are more backstories etc. what was your sil’s relationship the rest of the family while your brother was alive? I have many relatives my parents dont like, I would never reach out to any of them as that would potentially cause drama with my parents and i dont see the value in it. Your nephew may be the same way. And as another poster said going in and reclaiming him , his birthright etc , will just alienate everyone more. People have a right to different lifestyles and values. Did your brother agree with those or not? if not, Are you taking up his battles with them? also , unless your nephew dislikes his mom’s bf , i wouldnt assume an engagement announcement is hugely insensitive. maybe he would be happy about it.</p>
<p>Since the picture is of my father in his army uniform, and it is Veterans Day, do you think with that kind of note, Here’s your grandfather in his army uniform, would be okay? I have the gift all wrapped up, but if you feel it would be in poor taste, I will save it for another time. Leaving in an hour, so please reply!</p>
<p>Honestly, I think that’s sweet. If it’s not a hardship, I would bring another something that is geared to his 16-year-old tastes. But I think it is a lovely gesture. It is making me cry a little, actually. I hope you have a good time and that any awkwardness quickly dissolves.</p>
<p>I don’t think it would be in poor taste at all, but I agree with absweetmarie that, if possible, a small additional gift (maybe a check or gift card you can slip into the greeting card, if nothing else materializes in the next 52 minutes :)) would be nice. I hope it’s a happy event for all of you.</p>
<p>I too think it’s quite lovely but an inappropriate time to give it. I think that’s something that should be done in private and on a less hectic day. I think it will bring a lot of emotions from both of you and that’s something you should share on another day.</p>
<p>It’s his grandfather. If you think he should have the photo, just give it to him, but not as a gift. Play it by ear. If the opportunity presents itself you can take the young man aside for a moment and say you have something you’ve been meaning to give him. But the birthday present should be something different, IMO.</p>
<p>Montegut, is the picture your birthday gift for this 16 year old, or do you have a gift in addition to the picture? </p>
<p>I still say, this picture should be given at a private time, when you can explain the significance of it. The birthday party, in my opinion, is neither the time nor place for this.</p>
<p>^^^ That depends on the circumstances. There might be a perfectly appropriate time to give her nephew the photo after everyone else leaves , or there might not. I’d see how things go.</p>