Should I be worried?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My D is a hs sophomore, a good student, and an athlete who is involved in ECs. She’s generally a great kid. She has a local boyfriend her age, they have been together over a year and she is crazy about him. She’s strikingly pretty and looks older than she is. </p>

<p>Last summer we were vacationing with some friends, and she met an 18 year old guy at the pool (lets call him PG, pool guy) who had just graduated from hs. He lives about 400 miles from us. They exchanged cell phone numbers, at the time so they could let each other know when they would be at the pool. There was flirting going on, but I figured it was harmless, because she is so wrapped up in BF.</p>

<p>Well, it’s been 7 months, and D and PG are still texting frequently and having frequent and long IM conversations. She has him listed in her “top friends” on Facebook (yes, I peeked). BF tends to get jealous, I suspect she told him PG is a distant cousin or something like that.</p>

<p>The thing is, PG told D that he made bad decisions in the past, and he is trying to change his life. He can’t hang around with his old friends anymore, which is why he is online so much. He lives home and attends a college he doesn’t particularly like. When I asked, D admitted that substance issues played a part in PG’s past decisions. </p>

<p>Unbeknownst to D, I Googled PG. He was arrested and charged with committing a large burglary that happened about a month after D met him at the pool. Apparently he was released on bail or something, because he is home and attending school (and AA, I think).</p>

<p>D insists the relationship is just friends and we have nothing to be concerned about. But from a few glimpses I have caught of IM conversations, I have reason to believe otherwise. There were references to each other as “beautiful,” “handsome,” and “sexy” and I have seen comments about the future when she is older and they can “be together.”</p>

<p>My strategy for the past few months has been to assume this would eventually die out on its own, but there is NO sign of that. If I try to intervene (block him on IM, etc) I’m afraid I’ll just create Romeo and Juliet. In the past D accused H and me of not liking BF, but now I find myself going out of my way to enable her to spend time with BF hoping it will hasten the end of PG. But so far that’s not happening (if she can have her cake and eat it too, why would she give up cake?).</p>

<p>I know the allure of the “bad boy” can be strong for “good girls” who think they can save or change him. (D likes the movie “A Walk to Remember.”)</p>

<p>Any advice? Be patient? Cut it off? (BTW, H thinks the whole thing is creepy but he is the type to bury his head in the sand - or work- and ignore problems).</p>

2

<p>Your daughter is 15. She is texting/IMing an 18 year old with substance and criminal issues. I’m surprised that you even have to ask about this.</p>

3

<p>Relationships at that age are so irrelevant (it always amuses me when teens think their bf/gf “is for forever”) What you mentioned was quite disturbing. She probably is trying to save him. Time for you to step in. She’ll hate you for it, but you know you’re doing the right thing.</p>

4

<p>I would definitely monitor and keep communication about PG open. I would definitely be alert to him wanting to get together. I would imagine if he is somewhat confined he has numerous “cyber” relationships. </p>

<p>As an educational adminstrator I always advice parents to keep all Computer activity in a common room. Kids who IM privately behind closed doors are more likely to get inappropriate. Casually inquire who she is chatting with and note the IM “handle”. </p>

<p>As a parent I understand your concern. Girls her age are quite taken by “attention”. I would find a relaxed time to share some of your concerns without projecting judgement. Give her an opportunity to share exactly what this relationship involves.</p>

<p>Ultimately you are the parent, follow your gut!</p>

<p>Good luck and guide with love, but keep close watch.</p>

5

<p>Have you tried to talk to your daughter about your concerns? Do that first: age difference, his past, what she’s getting out of their friendship/relationship, what he may be getting from it, what the boyfriend thinks and feels, importance of treating her boyfriend well and with respect, her safety, what she imagines their future together could be, the hurt that comes with trying to “save people,” the false intimacy that can be created online, what do her real life friends think? (if she hasn’t told them, why? --means she knows it’s a bad situation), etc. </p>

<p>This does not sound like a very good or healthy situation, but thankfully it doesn’t sound very dangerous, either. See if you can get your daughter to see reason and cut it off herself. You may want to say that you don’t want to treat her like a child, so you want her to make the correct, adult decision herself–or you may have to interfere. I wouldn’t advise you to just let it go, but before trying to cut it off try talking it out with your daughter in an open, honest way. Do not accuse her of anything, baby her, or patronize to her; just try to listen, ask open ended questions, give some meaningful advice (stories from your own experience or other’s may be helpful), and stress that you just don’t want her to get hurt.</p>

6

<p>good post corranged.</p>

7

<p>Looking at the bigger picture, you’ve mentioned:</p>

<p>two romantic relationships going on simultaneously, one with someone significantly older
BF “tends to get jealous”
PG is in and has been in serious trouble
there is active intervention to encourage the relationship with BF</p>

<p>Perhaps some form(s) of counseling would be in order–personal for her; family; and/or personal for you.</p>

8

<p>Imo this situation must be taken seriously and handled with great delicacy. There is the extremely dangerous possibility, however remote it may seem to be, of DD deciding to run away in order to be with PG. This is one of the reasons that I suggested that some form of counseling may be in order.</p>

9

<p>Not to be an alarmist but I’m going to disagree about the fact that this isn’t dangerous. I have friends whose daughter was in a similar situation. The rest of the story is long and painful and not mine to share.<br>
I absolutely believe some form of counseling is in order. There is a dymanic in the daughter that makes her reach out to this type of guy when she has a “good” guy right near by. This dynamic will follow her the rest of her adult life if she doesn’t examine it.<br>
Please go to counseling.</p>

10

<p>I don’t think this is a situation in which you should be appeasing your daughter. She’s only a sophomore in high school. She’ll be living at home for 2 1/2 more years. In my opinion she’s still a kid, regardless of her appearance, boyfriend, and adult friendships. You have every right to cut off the relationship if you think it’s harmful to your daughter. For what it’s worth, I think it’s harmful, because it detracts from her current relationship and seems like a big distraction from school and ECs (long IM conversations and texting). You should really intervene instead of letting your daughter carry on in the hopes that she will reform on her own. Of course she will protest, but you shouldn’t back down. You’re the parent. She’s not 18. You still have time to change the dynamic of your relationship. I’m surprised you let a high school freshman control your opinions in the past (you said you had conflicted on the topic of her boyfriend of one year). That to me sounds like your daughter has way too much influence and way too little parental involvement.</p>

11

<p>I think you know that you (and her dad) should be very clear to her that he is dangerous. You are the parents, she is 15.</p>

<p>My 15 year old met some guy who lives in another state. I was very weirded out by the phone and internet communication and googled him, reverse traced his cell phone, found out where he went to school. It turned out my coworker’s sister taught there and her review of him was that he was the nicest boy in the world and we have nothing to worry about (they stopped contact as soon as I had this info). If I had found out otherwise I would have been very aggressive about forbidding all contact.</p>

12

<p>Wow, thanks for the input. I thought maybe I was a worriwort since this guy is 400 miles away… guess I’m not crazy.</p>

<p>JC, the computer is in the living room for the exact reasons you mentioned.</p>

<p>Corranged and ADad, you’re thinking along the same track I am. “Great delicacy” is my issue, because D already knows we disapprove of this and I’m afraid if “forbid” the relationship it just makes it that much more romantic (and I’m not sure what PG would do). At the moment PG has no job and no money, I think because he’s awaiting a court date, so he’s not able to come up here and visit D.</p>

<p>I have talked to D about this several times. About 2 weeks ago I told her there were a ton of texts listed on the cellphone bill (but they’re included in our plan, so I couldn’t complain about the cost) and that it was creepy that an 18 year old was still talking to a 15 year old. H and DS (a college frosh himself) chimed in that it WAS creepy. She got really defensive and said it was innocent. A week later she and I were alone and had a calmer discussion. She told me that PG was trying to make better decisions and admitted he has/had a substance problem. When I asked if she could understand why this would concern us, she said yes. Also I told her that if she was saying things to PG that she wouldn’t want BF to say to another girl, then she was cheating. She insisted it was innocent (a lie, but I let it go). She said PG is aware of BF (true). I told her that if PG is spending time online with her, it’s preventing him from meeting people his own age who live near him who could be better for him than his previous friends, and that at age 15 she is in no position to be his counselor. I also said if I suspected anything fishy I would start reading her texts. Since that convo, the number of texts has decreased, and she hasn’t logged onto the computer in 2 days (thank heavens school and sports started back up). I hope she is “weaning” herself off this relationship but it’s too soon to tell. And she’s started deleting her texts so I’ll have to wait for the next cellphone bill to see what’s up.</p>

<p>I don’t think D sees this as a “real” relationship. I think she’s flattered by compliments from an older guy, and she feels sorry for him and thinks she’s helping him. I hope its significant that in all this time she and PG only talked on the phone once - all the rest is texts and IM, which to me seem like a less intimate form of conversation. I also hope JC is right and PG has several “cyber-friends,” but I don’t know.</p>

<p>ADad , I did take her to counseling last winter after she became depressed due to a major fall-out with her girlfriends and I became concerned about the intensity of her relationship with BF. The therapist told H and I that D is a good kid, that she wants to “please” people and that she will hide her sadness if that’s what she thinks will make her parents happy. Therapist said I needed to give D some breathing room and be sure not to compare her to her older brother, who is an academic star. At first D didn’t object to therapy, but after 2 months she said she felt better and the only time she felt bad was when she had to go to the therapist, so I let her stop.</p>

<p>I’m inclined to VERY watchful waiting at this point… does that seem reasonable? I have no doubt that I am justified in “spying” on her IMs and texts at this point. And I will try to bring up Corranged’s points about false intimacy online and ask D what her friends think. I’m sure only one or 2 of them know about it, because she doesn’t want BF to know. I also intend to tell D that if BF ever asks about PG, I will not lie for her.</p>

13

<p>If she is a normal teen, you know forbidding will be met with resistance.</p>

<p>The age difference, ways of communication and his past are all bad signs. Try to stop it now amicably and if you must escalate to “I Forbid”, taking items away, and other means of punishment, go for it. I would not rule out talking with the police if he is a problem.</p>

<p>If I were you I would be very concerned. I have a couple friends whose daughters were headed towards trouble in similar situations. One was severely injured and there was an attempted murder charge involved.</p>

<p>I see we have a mix of advice here, so please let us know how things work out.</p>

14

<p>I’m a big fan of parents (OK, anyone, for that matter) following their gut feelings. If something feels dangerous or “off” to you, it probably is. You know your D; we don’t.</p>

<p>That being said, is it possible that some of these IM conversations are “safe role-playing” for your D? Could she be “trying on” a sexy, adult persona that she can’t use in person or at school? Could this be the teenage fantasy playing out as a fantasy, while your D really knows there’s nothing of reality in it? It’s much more fun to pretend you’re older with a guy who answers back than with the “imaginary older boyfriend” I had when I was 15.</p>

<p>This guy is also only 18 and lives at home. (When I say “only”, it’s not in relation to your D’s age, but I mean that he’s barely a legal adult and certainly not an emotional one.) Could you try to talk to his mother, mom to mom? Find out what she thinks about this? She could take some action on her end, particularly if she knows about other real-life or virtual girlfriends.</p>

<p>Good luck to you!</p>

15

<p>ConcernedMom,</p>

<p>I agree with Chedva on this. Can you talk to his mother? That may paint a better picture of PG for you? Better to be safe than sorry.</p>

16

<p>My gut feeling parallels Chedva–that with a 400 mile distance this is very likely ‘safe flirting’ for your D. The situation, an 18 y/o ‘friend’, may give her some ‘bragging rights’ with her peers.
I do not feel alarmed since there has been no attempt to meet in person.
I agree you should be diligently watchful, but I would not be inclined to be forbidding of texts and IMs at this point.</p>

17

<p>I disagree on that one. Talk to his mother…he is in trouble with the law and living at home with no job and no money. Believe me, his mother already knows what kind of kid she has.</p>

18

<p>I think talking to an 18-year-old’s mother is way out of line, and weird. We are talking about two people essentially writing each other letters. I do think you need to talk to your daughter about how difficult it is for people to change, and that she must not feel that she has a responsibility (or the ability) to save or change pool guy. Sometimes kids get themselves in over their heads with relationships.</p>

19

<p>ebeeeee,
What would you say to his mother? What would you expect her to do?
If the troubled kid is attending school and waiting for a court date, I can see why he has no job/money at this time. I see the lack of money as a positive from the OPs perspective–he will be less likely to try to visit.</p>

20

<p>Be careful if she suddenly wants to attend a World Peace rally or a Young Scientists convention in another city…that could be a cover for meeting up with PG…</p>