Should I break up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years?

College Life
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<p>Hi there.</p>

<p>This will be my first post on this site. My roommate recommended it to me, mainly because he has to sleep, and I don’t think I can close my eyes until I feel like I’ve done something about this question.</p>

<p>I am studying physics at a good state school. My girlfriend is majoring in physical therapy in my home state. It is a long distance relationship, however, we spend a couple hours each night on aim and I come back often on weekends.</p>

<p>I’m not good with introspection; I think it will be difficult to paint a clear picture of our relationship.</p>

<p>My girlfriend and I rarely fight. When we’re together, we spend a lot of time teasing each other. She doesn’t have any personal mannerisms that annoy me. She’s always friendly and kind with others. She’s willing to try things that I recommend, she bikes with me, cooks for me when she visits, and is caring if I come to her with a problem. She’s also very honest and dependable.</p>

<p>As the title says, we’ve been dating for 2.5 years. I am close to her entire family, even to her aunts and uncles. For a while now, this relationship has been very serious. If I continue with this girl, I believe I must do so with the intention to marry her-anything else would be dishonest, and I’ve been aware of that for a while.</p>

<p>The disharmony of our relationship is revealed in our interests in art. We have fairly divided opinions when it comes to film, music, and literature. For movies, she’s focused on the romantic comedy and romance genres. I’m usually interested in different themes. We’ve seen many films together, and some of them have greatly moved me. When we talk about them afterwards, she usually responds with indifference. We do like some of the same music, but again, she is not moved by a lot of songs/pieces that have greatly affected me and I don’t like most of the pop she listens to. This pattern is true, even moreso for books. She does not often read and when she does it’s usually (what i consider) fluff.</p>

<p>These preferences, though they may seem irrelevant for a couple, sometimes seem to me, to be the most important things in a relationship. In my opinion, they reflect one’s passions. Basically, I feel like I’m very interested in the powerful questions that many artists have asked, while my girlfriend is grounded in reality. She is pragmatic.</p>

<p>And yet, though the difference is troubling for me, I know there are many couples who succeed in spite of (or because of??) their lack of common interests/passions. For example: my dad is a lot like me and my mom reminds me of my girlfriend, yet I know my parents are (fairly) happily married. </p>

<p>I’m pretty sure I could have a fairly happy married life with my girlfriend, but I don’t think she ‘completes’ me, in a spiritual sense.</p>

<p>I guess I want to know what you guys think of my situation. My girlfriend is in love with me. She’s always so caring with me. But when she holds out her hand for mine, I often feel pangs of guilt, like I know that I will either break up with her shortly, or live life never truly satisfied.</p>

<p>Is the idea of a soulmate an illusion? Am I placing too much value on passions? I guess you guys don’t have solutions for this very personal and pretty much unanswerable problem, but any thoughts/experiences would be great. I’ve had this thought before, but tonight was the first time it just wouldn’t let me sleep…</p>

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<p>Are you an aspiring writer or is this for real?</p>

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<p>Dude, you’re asking an internet forum if you should break up with your girlfriend?</p>

<p>Anyways, only you know the answer. There is a lot that has happened in that 2.5 years, and we don’t know exactly how you feel. I do, however, think that the thought of breaking up with her has harmed your relationship. I’d suggest not contemplating that and see if you still feel unfulfilled.</p>

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<p>You want to break up with her because she doesn’t like the same art as you?</p>

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<p>Hrm. The fail is strong in this one. May the force be with you.</p>

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<p>It’s up to you. If you want to do it, do it. But, to me, she sounds like a wonderful girl and you are lucky to have each other. Most people don’t even find a relationship that great. But, if this is really an issue for you… or if you want to meet new people, you owe it to her to drag things on if you aren’t feeling it anymore. It all comes down to whether or not you love her anymore… and only you know the answer to that. I can’t help you. Sorry.</p>

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<p>Maybe talk to her about how you feel. Don’t bring up “I’m thinking of breaking up with you… I’m weighing the pros and cons on an internet college blog”. I don’t think that will go over well. But tell her you are concerned. You can’t change her though. She is who she is and sometimes it’s great to have separate passions, as long as you support each other. </p>

<p>But, if the passion thing is a deal breaker for you, then maybe that’s that. I know this sounds weird, but I suggest you talk to your parents about this, especially since you noticed they have a similar relationship. Plus, they know you better than you might think.</p>

<p>Good luck! I hope everything works out for the best–whether you end up with her or without her. </p>

<p>Before you break up with her though, be sure you think about what your life will be like without. I would assume it would be VERY different. Do you want that life? It’s up to you.</p>

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<p>well, i guess that sums it up.</p>

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<p>oh, i thought you could reply to individual posts. well, the above was for plattsburgh… i know it’s pretty hopeless , i was just looking for someone with a similar experience. thanks anonymous, i was thinking of asking my dad about it.</p>

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<p>Soreloser, I do think you should break it off with your girlfriend. Whatever the reason, if you have a gnawing feeling that she’s not “the one”, she’s probably not. You say you’re not good at introspection, so I’m not sure your issues are of differing artistic tastes as much as they are of differing value systems. Going to college and meeting new and diverse people is bound to make you wonder about other possibilities, and it should; it’s kinda what you’re there for.</p>

<p>When I first met my husband, I had been seeing someone else for three years ( I remember continuing to act is if you love someone in a way you’re not sure you do) and my now-husband was a smoker–both big issues for me (I had run a campaign against smoking in public buildings as a high school kid, even). Despite the three year relationship that was very important to me (also long distance) and the ashtray mouth (:eek:), I broke off the established relationship because there were overwhelming feelings that the new guy was right for me that and that mitigated the smoking issue (he knew how I felt and quit also). It doesn’t sound like you have feelings for your girlfriend that are strong enough to overwhelm your doubts anymore. Differing tastes in movies or books, as you seem to recognize, are not that uncommon. Those differences may just be the most obvious manifestations of deeper reservations.</p>

<p>Tumultuous feelings…sorry for you.</p>

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<p>I think this would be better in the Parents Forum…they’re wise people.</p>

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<p>Words from a “wise” parent: If you have to ask Internet strangers whether to break up with your girlfriend, she’s not the right person for you. She may be a very nice person and good to you, but if she was “the one”, you wouldn’t need to ask others whether to break up with her. It’s normal for relationships of people your age not to last. You’re changing a lot and learning a lot about yourself and the world, including what makes you happy in relationships.</p>

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<p>I second what Northstar said (also another parent here). It sounds like you are drifting toward marriage as an inevitability. That’s a mistake. You both have to enter a marriage knowing that it is right decision.</p>

<p>Is there any reason why you can’t take a break from the committed relationship you are in and see others while remaining (even distant) friends? Are both of you mature enough for an amicable breaking up, which preserves the option for you to rebuild and perhaps rekindle your relationship in the future? If you are already physically apart, it seems like that is a possible change. </p>

<p>If you do get back together, your relationship will be stronger and more mature than it is now. You have a lot of life ahead of you both to live, so whatever you do, be compassionate and gentle with each other’s hearts and souls.</p>

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<p>i guess college life was probably not the best place for this thread. thanks for responses, married people. i guess i’m curious how much you guys value shared interests in the arts. do you find it important in married life, or is your day-to-day relationship what keeps you together? i feel like i’m in a seinfeld episode: we’re at the art gallery and i ask my date what she thinks of a painting. she says she doesn’t really like it and i respond “yeah, this just isn’t working out.”</p>

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<p>You can love someone for the person that she is without being in love with her. It seems like your mind is telling you that because she is such a wonderful person, that you should be as in love with her as she is with you. It could just be that you’re using this difference in artistic tastes as a justification because it is the only conceivable reason you can think of why you shouldn’t love her. Of course, there is also a possibility that it really tells of a completely incompatible difference in the way you think. </p>

<p>If you don’t think that you are in love with her, then you probably aren’t meant to stay in this relationship, because you will always wonder “what if.” However, if you think about it and you really are in love with her, then you need to chill about the minute differences. If you are always thinking about the next best thing, you will never have a stable, happy relationship.</p>

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<p>Well, for me, my spouse and I were worlds apart in the areas of music, literature, movies and even politics. But over time we have come to appreciate each other’s interests and our interests are more shared than when we started our relationship. When we differ, sometimes we do things he likes and sometimes we do things I like. Or if he’s watching or reading something I’m not interested in, I can still be with him but doing something else (like reading while he watches a movie…but we are in the same room.)</p>

<p>I think the important thing in any relationship is that each person has to have a strong sense of self, of who they are as a person. You can’t define yourself by the other person and your relationship with them. Once you have that sense of self, you can be in a relationship as two whole people who complement each other. One person can’t subjugate themselves to the other because after a while that person will feel like their wants and needs are secondary. So be who you are as individuals and treasure your differences and learn to be a couple without having to be the same person or see things in the same way all the time.</p>

<p>Relationships take work, all through your life. There is always stress in a relationship, especially when you are looking for work or having to move or change jobs and/or take care of a house and children and family, ad infinitem. I’m not trying to change you or anything but I remember my dad telling me to do all your fun adventurous stuff when you’re young and get out and enjoy life, don’t settle down to early. I found it was good advice for me, I didn’t settle down and have children until I was in my 30s. Perhaps what you are feeling is a sense that you will miss out on something if you settle down now. It sounds like you want to stretch your wings and learn who you are so you can be a whole person in a mature relationship. You’ll be surprised how much you have to grow and change in the years between 18 and 25. So will she, I’m sure.</p>

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<p>My husband and I are very different. We don’t like same kind of music, art, movies or TV shows. He loves going to museums, and I get bored. I am very intense and he is mellow. But we complement each other. We are ying and yang. We have common goals, family value, integrity/principle. We love to travel and shop, quiet evenings at home. </p>

<p>Both of us broke off our long term relationships with other people after we met, because it felt right. If you are wondering about your relationship with your girlfriend over art, then there is something missing in your relationship - passion and intensity - if you don’t feel it now, you never will.</p>

<p>My H and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs. It’s our very good time in the beginning of our relationship that’s helped us through. The analogy I like to use is relationship is like a bank acct. When things are good, you are making a deposit in the acct, when it’s bad you need draw on it. The difficulty is to make sure the acct is big enough for you to draw on.</p>

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<p>You mentioned she doesn’t often read, and what she does read you consider “fluff”. I think this observation shows that you two might not be an intellectual match, despite your years together, and the fact that she is a lovely, kind person.</p>

<p>You may be growing into a person who likes the deeper messages of books, music, and art, while her interests are more tangible, material concerns. This difference could easily grow into a wide rift with you considering her simple or boring-- not a healthy basis for a marriage or long term commitment.</p>

<p>Although it would be painful for awhile, splitting up would give you the time to met other people in college who might share your passions for the arts. You owe it to yourself to try to find a ‘soulmate’, and owe your GF the honesty to not ‘settle’ for her out of duty or social expectation. </p>

<p>However, remember that you will never find every good quality in one person. The soulmate you find might have shortcomings in other areas. In any case, a separation will help you discover which qualities you most value in a partner.</p>

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<p>Well, here’s what I usually do when I am puzzled about breaking up w/ a gf or not…</p>

<p>GO ON A FEW DATES WITH ANOTHER GIRL(S)! No kissing or anything more serious though.</p>

<p>If I miss my g/f then that means it’s not a good idea to break up w/ her. But if I am enjoying being with that other girl more then it means I am over my g/f and it’s time to move on.</p>

<p>Anyway, if you are a good guy and think that’s wrong then just ignore my advice and NEVER try that method. It will just ruin your relationship when she finds out. You’d probably confess to her out of guild.</p>

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<p>In my opinion soreloser you are sad. I don’t have anything posiitive to say to you beside the question:</p>

<p>do you know how ridiculous you sound? Do you know what you have? That girl must really love you because if I was her I would be the one breaking up with you! </p>

<p>you aren’t a sore loser, your blind and ungrateful!</p>