Should I Give Away the Family Dog?

Parent Cafe
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<p>@austinmshauri brings up an incredible difference between city dogs and country dogs. Growing up on a ranch, it is accurate to say that every animal had a role. Our horses were for showing or racing, the cats for keeping the barns mice-free, and the dogs were all hunting breeds with the exception of Timmy, the Australian Shepherd/Queenland Healer mix, who herded the horses around. NO pet lived in our home or was allowed inside. Ever. The dogs had a gorgeous heated kennel, each with their own beds, toys, blankets, etc. I think at its peak, we had 7 dogs on this working ranch. If we were on the property, the dogs could stay outside of the kennel all day, so they had something like 500 acres to roam around on with us. At night, we would kennel them in the luxury digs; they were not crated, however, and had the run of this huge kennel. </p>

<p>Fast forward to my adult experience of animals. We had, as I have stated earlier, cats (2), mice (12), hamsters (several), fish (principally Siamese fighting fish), and Madagascar hissing cockroaches (2). We adopted Stan, the Welsh Pembroke Corgi, in December 2012. He was very ill, and if you’ve read the tale, you know we spent a small fortune saving his life. He is an amazing dog; we rarely meet a single person who does not love him instantly. As a formerly-abandoned dog, he rarely goes to another room without me and seems most happy when the house is full of people, as when youngest DD graduated last week and all the family were here for a few days. He can then roam at will from person to person, roll on his back, and get his tummy scruffed at will. I think what many of you have helped me to see is that I actually know little about being a Dog Mom for a dog that lives 24/7 indoors. I thought by this point I had done extensive reading, but it seems more is in order to understand how to care for him–particularly during this transition time when it will be just him and me. </p>

<p>BTW, there is no quarantine any longer for UK; the regulations have changed not so long ago. Stan would have to endure an international flight in a crate, however, but I understand that United, which is what I plan to use if London Daughter ends up taking him, does feed him and check on water. The London Solution, also has me concerned, however, and I have voiced the concerns to her. Will he be alone for 12 hours? I presently never leave him alone longer than 4, if that, and RARELY. What about the added cost? I believe that I will forever be guilt-tripped that SHE took the family dog and is now incurring ALL expenses. Some sort of martyr thing, even though she has BEGGED to take him and insists she has the right to take him. (Disregard the reality that she has not lived at home since 2005.) </p>

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<p>On another note, the divided opinions and many emotions people have expressed here are not too different from the drama that has ensued with my children and me over this. I keep trying to have a rational discussion, but two of my daughters are just not capable of getting beyond the feeling part of this. When I brought up, for example, the nice family that cares for him as adopting him, my youngest daughter says she would rather he be “with family” 11 hours away in London than 5 minutes down the street at this other family’s home. How London is more rational than our neighborhood is incomprehensible to me, except that several of you have noted how a dog is not “furry family” but family. If one holds that view, I can see how it appears I am trying to give away their brother. </p>

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<p>I’ve been following this discussion with interest, and have a few thoughts.
First is that your children may have to “put up or shut up”–and yes, I’d phrase it exactly that way. They are adults now, you’re an adult; set up a phone call where you tell them what you told us, and ask them to find a solution that doesn’t leave you holding the bag.
Second, ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. If the problem is simply money for Stan’s care, ask them for money. If it’s money and time, ask for money and time. If there’s no way you want to keep the dog, say so, and ask them to help you find a home.
Third, if you want to keep the dog but are worried about his days, can you share him with another family? Many dogs like being part of multiple families.</p>

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<p>Points well taken, @dmd77. I agree with the “put up or shut up” concept in theory, but as you have likely noted in this thread, the pet issue is a volatile one and it appears that decades and decades later, people harbor anger toward a parent who gives away the family pet. Granted, I have done NOTHING unilaterally (and have done nothing but present the situation to the kids), but one of the by-products of 30 years of child rearing appears to be my diminished capacity to deal with crap from the kids. It’s on some level amusing to me to realize that what I really need is not a dog walker but a human therapist. </p>

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<p>Two of our dogs have been owner give-up rescue dogs. The first was 7 when we got him and he lived another 10 years with us. The second was 3 when DD got him and has lived with her the past 3 years, staying with us in the summer when she cannot have him with her for summer music festivals. We are grateful the owners gave them up. Both were sweet dogs and we liked older dogs over puppies. We don’t know why they gave the dogs up, nor do we care. Maybe helping your children to understand that giving them up is not banishment but perhaps a chance to find a happy place with a new family. </p>

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<p>Starting to think you should give away the dog AND the kids. :(</p>

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<p>Tell me about it. As Tony Soprano infamously said, “Whatcha gonna do?” </p>

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<p>laplatinum, I live in Brookly, NYC and all of the dog owners I know whose apartments are empty during the day hire dog walkers who come over mid-day and take the dogs for a walk. It’s expensive though.</p>

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<p>So just to understand, your daughter hasn’t lived at home since 2005 and you got Stan in 2012. I don’t quite understand how close she could be to Stan to be this upset. Is this someone who likes to get upset over a principle? Or did she really bond with Stan when she came home on vacation. I ask because my parents got a dog after I graduated from college and although she was a wonderful dog, I never felt like she was really mine in the same way.</p>

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<p>I think your D in London is jerking your chain. Is she taking it out on you because her father left her to deal with her other dog?</p>

<p>If Stan is only alone for 4 hours, you don’t need a dog walker, and there is no way he would be better off stuck in a flat in London all day. Sounds like you basically need help paying for his boarding when you are travelling for work. I’d just go ahead and ask for that.</p>

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<p>I think it’s not really fair to accuse D of wanting to be the ‘martyr’ or want to take the dog for some anterior motive of guilt-tripping later. She is begging for the dog. She is willing to pay the cost. If she is a lawyer, she can more than afford a dog walker and cover the costs. Maybe she just genuinely wants the dog. I think there is no reason not to give her the dog. A (potentially) cash-strapped family with small children who have not expressed any interest in the dog don’t look at all like a better alternative than someone who is ready to move mountains and is begging for the dog. </p>

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<p>By the way, I have a college friend whose brother gave away the family dog. The situation was much worse, as he gave the dog to a pound, and the dog got euthanized. That’s not the point of the story though. My friend was ready to fly out to another state (with very limited funds - just starting out after college) to get the dog. She was single on a tight budget, but she was in no way trying to be a ‘martyr’. She really and genuinely wanted the dog, even though she hasn’t seen the dog in years. She still had an attachment to the dog.</p>

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<p>@consolation, I think the OP is saying that when fall comes and youngest is at college, Stan will be alone a lot longer than 4 hours. My dog does okay with me gone all day (although can’t remember the last time I went out for a drink after work, it does require me to come right home at the end of the day for her). And I do spend time with her every night, and extra on weekends. But that may not work for the OP and Stan.</p>

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<p>Just to tie a couple of the comments together, if you do end up agreeing to send the dog to London, be sure your daughter agrees up front to have a dog walker come by a couple times a day (if she routinely works 12 hour days). Maybe then the issue of the dog being even more alone is at least partially solved. Not perfect, but it beats the alternative.</p>

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<p>Okay… I would not have a dog walker come twice a day if I were gone for 12 hours. Once, yes. But unless the dog is a puppy, or older and incontinent, it should be fine with one time out.</p>

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<p>^^^This. </p>

<p>And most people I know, and I work in a field with a lot of Biglaw lawyer, do NOT work 12 hours a day every day, and even if they do, oftentimes late at night they are working from home. And as many previous posters pointed out many people work and have a dog, without requiring a dog walker, as long as they come straight home. </p>

<p>I almost feel that for whatever reason some people on this thread are ‘against’ the D. I don’t know if it’s because she has been passionate about the dog or because she is young and single and living in a city, and maybe there is a bias she won’t make a good owner. But if people are scrutinizing potential dog adopters, I think there are a lot of issues with the family. I would argue that a stay at home mom with young kids is going to have less time for a dog than a single 30-something. I would also argue the mom may prioritize the dog less. Money is also huge. Vet costs for pets are high. Cancer or any chronic condition or serious accident will easily cost over 10K - a young attorney is much more in a position to cover that than a family supplementing their income with dog sitting. Not to mention the daughter actually wants and loves the dog, whereas the family never even expressed an interest in adopting. </p>

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<p>I don’t think people are “against the D”, but the OP has indicated that the D has run hot and cold on taking the dog. Said she would take the dog, but then backed off, has not followed through on it as she originally said she would.</p>

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<p>Are there really that many people able/willing to pay $10,000 or more for medical treatment for a pet? For a family member I’d find the money. For a pet…no.</p>

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<p>The bottom line is that OP has neither the money nor the time to continue caring for the dog properly. That is just the reality of the situation. Further, OP has gotten herself into a situation where she is still paying off a $6000 vet bill which she funded with a credit card. So looks like OP has woken up to the fact that she unfortunately took on a responsibility and commitment that perhaps should have been given more thought. So rather than continue down this path she is wisely looking for a workable solution.</p>

<p>Placing the dog with London D is one option but it is my opinion that Stan’s journey to London will never materialize. I have stated in 2 separate posts that I am somewhat skeptical of the attachment there as D was in London since 2005 and Stan joined the family 18 months ago. I think this is some sort of power play or guilt trip for mom. I very much like the idea of the family down the street. OP already knows Stan is happy there and he could visit anytime. If the family is not interested then I suppose the next alternative is either adoption or requesting the kids finance Stan’s care. I see involving the kids as a last resort as it puts OP in the position of collecting funds and justifying expenses. Too messy and bound to end up in conflict. </p>

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<p>OP - I feel for you in this situation. You are trying to be realistic and it sounds like your kids are NOT helping you. That is unfortunate. IMO, your 30 yr old D has no say in this situation at all. We have always had pets that have been treated exceptionally well. But they are pets. Your health and peace of mind are more important. Do not feel like you need to sacrifice it. I hope you can work with your younger kids and find a solution. This IS an emotional time. </p>