<p>My sister’s daughter is being married in a couple of months. Seems like a no-brainer, right? But this young woman holds my entire family in shame and contempt. She was raised in an affluent area of New Jersey (housewifesville) and we are middle class people from NYC. She had a sweet 16 that was a huge affair in a catering hall, limousines, a court, the whole thing. She invited all of her friends, colleagues, friends of parents, and her father’s entire family. My family didn’t know about it until a year or so later when a photo album was accidentally left out. This young woman caused a falling out between my sister and me four years ago. We were very, very close and I always tried to do right by her daughter, but she just hates her mother’s family. My sister and I didn’t speak for three years until her husband (whom I loved) died unexpectedly. I didn’t go to her son’s wedding because no one in that family would speak to me at that time and I would have been too awkward. So now the daughter is getting married. We haven’t spoken a word in almost 5 years except for the fight and for me to offer my condolences at her father’s funeral. She hasn’t contacted me, my mother or my brothers to let us know that she is engaged. My sister told me that she is marrying a wealthy investment banker and they are having a spectacularly lavish wedding at the cost of $280 per plate. She sent save the date cards recently and invited my husband and me, my sister telling me that she was not inviting “kids.” Which is fine but two of mine are employed adults and I found out by accident that she is inviting the kids from her father’s family. Which I don’t really care because my kids don’t want to come and we can’t cover the plate for that many people. I told my sister that if there isn’t some rapproachment before the wedding then I don’t think my family should attend. My sister swears that her daughter wants her whole family there, bla bla, bla, but I don’t believe it for a second. She is marrying well and absolutely doesn’t want the white trash relatives to attend. Oh, and my mother (the bride’s grandmother) is not doing well. Recently diagnosed with emphysema which creates a dilemma about the ceremony because it’s Catholic and will involve incense. My niece sent the message that she doesn’t want us to come to the shower because my mother needs so much help that it will “ruin the day.” What would you do?</p>
<p>I have never been to a Catholic wedding that involved incense, and I have been to lots of Catholic weddings. So that should not be an issue for your mother. And if she is going, I think you should go to help her, and because your sister clearly wants you there.</p>
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I have never been to a wedding mass that didn’t involve incense. My mother had major trouble at this niece’s confirmation back in the dark ages because that church did use incense and we know that the same holds true for the wedding. Not being Catholic, I always thought it was a universal thing. Live and learn!</p>
<p>I’m not sure my sister does want us there or if she just has to say it. My niece hates, hates, hates us and I’m sure she is giving my sister grief. I really think if she could have done the same thing as the sweet 16, she would have. My ideal scenario would be for my sister to say “I love you but this is my daughter’s day and she doesn’t want you there.” No hard feelings. It’s because I’m not sure of what the truth is that I’m so conflicted.</p>
<p>oh dear. At this point, I think you can only do what YOU want as you can’t reliably tell what the truth is. If you want to salvage a relationship with your sister, and this will do it, then go. If attending is immaterial to that relationship, in your best estimate, and you don’t want to go then don’t go. I think someone else can assist ailing mom if you think it is best for you not to go.
(Truthfully, if I were you and I didn’t know for sure that this would cause further estrangement, then I would not go. I have sisters of the heart that are much more a part of my life than my sister has been/will be.) Good luck with whatever is your choice.</p>
<p>Wow, this is a dilemma. I can see different scenarios playing out in my head. If you had developed some sort of a relationship with your niece after some of the falling outs I would tend to put things aside and go to the wedding. But this didn’t happen and what would likely result if you DID attend the wedding. Would things change for the better? There seems to be stipulations place on you and your family to gain admission. Obviously your children(her first cousins) are not interested because in reality, they are her peers and she has placed no emphasis on that relationship which really is the important thing going forward. I mean really, she didn’t invite you to the shower? That is real hutzpah!
She is either only interested in showcasing her upcoming affluence and what she is marrying into or showing that she has the “better face” on and if you decline the invitation, well then she tried, and you are the one that is the outlier.
I would lean towards a NO, I’m not going. Send a gift with a note wishing her well and leave it at that.
I find it difficult to not be anything other than who I am. if you can’t not accept me or my family, then I’m not changing my stripes for anyone.</p>
<p>Other than excluding your family from the sweet 16 party and not speaking to you in the aftermath of the fight over that, what mean or disrepectful things has the niece done to you? I figure all this animosity must be over something more substantial than a 16th birthday party.</p>
<p>As for your path forward here, I’d ask what outcome do you want? Do you want to help heal the scars of the rift with your sister and/or help your mother? If so then choose to overlook your niece’s low behavior and go. Do you want make sure your niece understands that you hate her back just as much as she hates you? If so then refuse her invitation.</p>
<p>PS: I’m not Catholic, but I’ve been to a handful of wedding Masses over the years, and I don’t recall ever seeing or smelling any incense.</p>
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That is so astute.<br>
I want to mention that the issue isn’t just with my nuclear family, but with my mother and brothers, as well. And the funny part is that both of my brothers are as wealthy as or wealthier than my sister! I used to think I was close to my niece because my sister is much older than I and I tried to be like a cool, young niece to her kids. I used to take them on trips, have them spend time with me. But when I became a mom, myself, my niece turned against my husband and me, then all sorts of other issues came up.</p>
<p>In regards to your kids attending you said “We can’t cover the plate”. Does that mean guests are charged $280 to attend the reception? I’ve never heard of that.</p>
<p>But to the central question. Go. Be the bigger person. You can visit with other relatives and just extend polite words to the niece you don’t much like. I think your sister would appreciate the gesture.</p>
<p>Oy.</p>
<p>A number of things strike me. Firstly, they may have money, but these people sound very tacky to me. The sweet sixteen extravaganza alone was ostentatious and tasteless, to say the least. And now, after not speaking to you for years, your sister tells you how much the reception is costing per plate? Let me tell you, my sister has married off three daughters, and she has NEVER told me how much anything cost. Not one time.</p>
<p>I strongly doubt that a 16-yr-old is in charge of the family invitations to a Sweet Sixteen party. If you weren’t invited, it was most likely the choice of your sister. Of course, it is possible that your sister allowed a 16-yr-old demon seed to dictate to her and risk destroying her family relationships, but if so that’s on her, not her daughter. She was the grownup. She should have acted like one.</p>
<p>How did your niece send the message about her grandmother? Are you sure it came from her and not from your sister, or at your sister’s prompting? (Presumably your niece isn’t giving the shower for herself, so the invitations should be issued by someone else, who will take guidance from someone like your sister on whom to invite?) And what relationship does she have with her grandmother? Is her grandmother a spectacularly difficult person? (I seem to recall that you’ve had some rocky times with the older generation, but I can’t recall whether it was your mother or your MIL that was the problem.)</p>
<p>Regarding the wedding: I think you should go. Someone in your family needs to model good social behavior, and it looks like it is down to you. Everyone should behave themselves civilly and smile. The idea of disinviting one’s aunt/mother or fomenting intergenerational drama or getting bent out of shape if someone doesn’t “cover the plate”–the mere term makes me shudder–should not cross anyone’s mind. There is a reason for forms, and for the observance of them. If you want to attempt to defuse the drama and normalize your relationship with your sister, go.</p>
<p>Re the incense, I don’t recall any incense at the Catholic weddings I’ve been to, either. If your sister actually cares about her mother, she would let the priest know that it should not be used out of deference to the bride’s grandmother’s health.</p>
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We didn’t have a fight over the party. We were all fine with it, albeit hurt that my sister went to such lengths to lie and sneak. When I was pregnant with my firstborn, my niece picked up a knife at Thanksgiving and threatened to kill the baby and that set the tone ever after. We had the final falling out when she graduated from college and my D1 graduated from high school at the same time. We were gleeful that my D (who has had struggles) was accepted and received a major merit scholarship at her top choice school. It was particularly meaningful for us since I had buried my father the week before the acceptance. What I didn’t know at the time was that my niece, who had always planned to go to law school, had tanked on the LSAT and was graduating without a job. She assumed that I knew (I didn’t) and was rubbing my daughter’s success in her face. I thought my sister and her family wanted to share our joy in her godchild’s success. My niece then said and did some incredibly vicious things that put my then 14-year-old daughter into therapy and broke my mother’s heart. I tried for months to call my sister but they wouldn’t take my calls. My sister was absolutely aware that I didn’t know what my niece was upset about and could have intervened, but her illusions of her daughter’s pre-eminence were shattered and she lashed out and I was the target. My niece has always hated my mother because my mother is closer to my kids – she was their third parent, so it was a lifetime of stuff spilling over.</p>
<p>I think if your sister didn’t want you there you would not have received an invitation. I don’t know what is going on with the bride - probably some perceived slight from you or her cousins eons ago. It doesn’t seem like there is anything you can do about that now.</p>
<p>That being said, I think you should attend the wedding. You never know what the future holds and I think you will have less regrets if you do attend. And, if you really do want to avoid seeing the bride I think it would be fairly easy. She will want to spend more time socializing with her contemporaries rather than older relatives. </p>
<p>Accept the invitation. Show your sister that you love her and enjoy a good meal.</p>
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See, you’re not getting it. It’s entirely within the realm of possibility that my niece is so opposed to our presence that she will do something ugly. She already sent a message that her grandmother is not welcome at her bridal shower because the grandmother needs so much assistance. The question is, if I come to really believe that my niece doesn’t want us there, should we go anyway? I have a gut feeling that my sister is lying to me. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for some sort of contact from my niece. I asked my sister to have her call me – we work in the same general area, but she refused.</p>
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That’s exactly it. They had a candle lighting ceremony for the grandparents at the sweet 16, and my niece refused to allow my mother to be invited.</p>
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My sister called and told me. It’s totally in character for my niece because I was present before the falling out when she told my sister to tell my mother that she wasn’t invited to the college graduation even though her paternal grandmother was.</p>
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No. She is also very generous. She does use a cane and has vision problems so she needs help to find the bathroom and to arrange her plate.</p>
<p>I think my criteria would be whether there are other people you would like to see and talk to at the wedding. The bride will be so busy that you will barely have to interact with her, and likely the same for her mom. We went to a super fancy wedding for a relative a few years ago, and barely saw the groom (my nephew) and his parents. But we had a great time with all the other relatives and friends there that we rarely see. And had a great dinner (and very good cake :D).</p>
<p>“Cover the Plate” In the New York area, it is common for people to give a gift (Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Wedding, Sweet Sixteen) of about the same amount as the event costs. I never heard of this before I lived in the NY metro area. How do you know how much the event costs? Someone tells you, you’ve been to or hosted similar events etc. </p>
<p>So…if you have two family members going to an event that you think costs $250 per person, you will give a gift of at least $500.</p>
<p>In spite of that norm…we have always given a gift based on our relationship with the honoree(s) , the lifestyle stage of the honoree(s), and what we can afford.</p>
<p>Well, I think you should go if you can. This child is moving out, and perhaps you and your sister can be friends again once that happens–and going to the wedding might make that more likely.</p>
<p>Of course, I’m a hopeless optimist.</p>
<p>If you want to contact your niece, do it directly. Don’t put your sister in between. Especially when your sister has repeatedly shown that she will not be honest or forthright in such matters.</p>
<p>BTW, your niece does sound like a nutcase. Her tendency to indulge in drama should have been nipped in the bud long ago, but apparently your sister enables her instead. I suspect that sis is playing out sibling rivalry using the D as a surrogate.</p>
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<p>All I can say is, not in CT. :)</p>
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Nope. My brother and his adult children aren’t going (niece treats them worse than she treats us!) and my kids aren’t going. We have no extended family and I don’t know my niece’s friends or future in-laws.</p>
<p>Unless this bride is really mentally unstable, I doubt that she would start a family shouting match at her own wedding. It could be that you are invited because she wants to boast about her good fortune in ‘marrying money’, as a one-upsmanship move over your daughter and they want to rub your nose in it.</p>
<p>Still, I’d go, hoping that the motives for the invitation were to end the family feud. Good luck.</p>
<p>okay- after getting further clarification of ugliness, just let it go. Not in a mean way, just “things are better this way”. Contact from niece or any other requests for reassurance are not being met, so send them warm wishes for a long and lovely life together (maybe via your sister so she knows you sent them) and move on. Sometimes you can’t win with people, no matter what you do.</p>