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I’m actually very close to my sister. We speak almost every day. When her husband died, we hadn’t spoken in years but I was the first person she called and I have spent the last year and a half propping her up. She is also very close to my kids. It’s just the daughter.</p>
<p>Go for your sister, you won’t regret that.
If niece acts up, go to the rest room.</p>
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<p>In that case I’d say your niece has had serious psycholgical problems from an early age.</p>
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I can’t. I don’t have her address, telephone number, email address or the name of her employer. She doesn’t live with my sister and I only know vaguely what type of work she does and that she works in the midtown Manhattan area. My sister won’t give me or my mother her contact information.</p>
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What I wonder and am agonizing over is whether my sister is pushing my niece to invite us and will make her life a living hell as a result. I would like to know if it would be preferable for my sister if she leaves us out. We won’t be sitting with my sister at the wedding and would barely see her, so is it worth it if my niece makes her nuts.</p>
<p>I think I waould explain to your sister that it’s the brides’s day, and since the bride has such negative feelings toward you and your family, that you don’t feel you should attend, and that you hope that they understand. Does your mother really want to go or would she be just as miserable?</p>
<p>I just see going to this event as enabling the niece’s behavior, since she is being spiteful about the bridal shower, she is truely not trying to make things better.</p>
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My mother cries about it all the time. She struggles with her mobility and with her vision deficit, which she knows will embarrass the heck out of my niece. She doesn’t want to go and have to worry about someone escorting her to the bathroom and my niece having a fit. My sister said she would sit us by the door so my mother could sneak out, but it would still look weird as she is the grandmother. My niece also hasn’t officially told my mother that she’s engaged and they have seen each other once in five years.</p>
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<p>In that case, ask your sister precisely that. IMHO, the only other reason to go to the wedding would be to help your mother–IF she wants to go.</p>
<p>What kind of nutjob is embarrassed by an elderly and/or disabled person being assisted?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t go and wouldn’t give it a second thought. The niece is nuts, perhaps literally, and your sister is enabling this behavior by not allowing her dd (she’s got to be what, 26 or so?) to establish her own relationships with relatives. There’s no need for the triangulation.</p>
<p>I’m figuring that you were invited because the niece wants to put on a good front for the future in-laws and not tip them off that she’s an unpleasant person who can’t even maintain normal relationships with her family. I have a feeling they’ll figure it our soon enough.</p>
<p>My sister also doesn’t like our side of the family. I’ve tried to normalize things but have quit trying. I’m not going out of my way to make her miserable, but I’m also not going out of my way to try to bring her back into the fold. She’s 55 and can make her own decisions, and they don’t have to have anything to do with me.</p>
<p>I agree it sounds like your sister pushed for this invite, and the bride doesn’t want you there. I would stay home with your mom, make excuses for her that she isn’t up to attending. Life is too short to torture yourself by trying to do the right thing for people who won’t appreciate it.</p>
<p>I know you want to make your sister happy, but she’s enabled and continues to enable your niece’s execrable behavior.</p>
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If this is true, then ask your sister very honestly and directly what’s going on. Call her on it if her answers sound phony. Be as upfront with her as you are with us:</p>
<p>“What’s brought on this sudden change of heart in Niece? Niece has always treated us badly. I don’t even know how to contact her. If she really wants us there, please have her contact us directly.”</p>
<p>I would attend the ceremony only. This will allow you to participate and witness the most important part of “the bride’s big day,” then hug and congratulate your sister. It will also let everyone avoid the fakiness of socializing at the reception. The hosts might like it because they won’t have to cough up $560 for someone the bride hates. Lastly, weddings are public events and your “kids” could attend the ceremony if they wanted to obseve a bridezilla in her habitat. </p>
<p>FWIW, I apply the following rules to “should I go” dilemmas:
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<li><p>Will someone I love ever need a life-saving donation (organ, marrow, etc) from this blood relative? Would I be willing to donate to him/her? If yes, I attend.</p></li>
<li><p>Do I want to give the villian ammo for labeling me as the aunt/cousin/in-law who “refused to attend”? If no, I attend.</p></li>
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<p>I wouldn’t go, and I wouldn’t feel guilty about it. Life is very short and I no longer waste my precious life minutes on people who abuse them. Your sister knows what’s what. I’m sure she can explain your absence to whoever cares, which is, apparently, no one but her.</p>
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<p>This person was in her early twenties when she did this to your child? I would not even acknowledge her existence, much less her wedding.</p>
<p>I really like DougBetsy’s idea. I would talk to your sister and tell her that you plan to come to the ceremony to be there for her, but will bow out of attending the reception because of the difficult relationship with her daughter. Take the high road and, as someone said upthread, model what good behavior looks like. </p>
<p>I’m still shaking my head over the idea that this girl is embarrassed by her disabled grandmother. Sheesh. And hugs to you for what must be a very difficult situation.</p>
<p>A wedding is a day of celebration for the bride and groom. As you haven’t been part of their life, and your presence will probably cause more stress for everyone (yourself included), my advice is not to go. I would tell your sister that you wish the bride well, hope it will be a happy marriage, but it is probably best if you don’t go. The niece doesn’t really want you there, you don’t want to be there, so why go. Send her a gift if you like, but there will be so many people (who really want to be there), she’ll be happier if you were there, and it is her day.</p>
<p>I was thinking I feel sorry for the groom and would send him a sympathy card instead of one saying congratulations. This niece obviously has no social morals. To be “embarrassed” by an older adult who has mobility issues how horrible. Does this girl also make fun of developmentally disabled people too? What sort of person does this? I have a niece that has taken a similar stand with us and we were not invited to the wedding. My Dad refused to attend because we were not invited among other reasons. I do still regret not being there, we were quite close growing up, I was only 11 years older and spent a lot of time with her. It is something I look back on and wonder about. It is a sad commentary that your niece feels she is so much better than others. She is the one that truly needs therapy.</p>
<p>I’m with blankmind & oldfort. Don’t give it another thought. Take you mom out for a special dinner with the money you would have spent on the wedding gift.</p>
<p>And the “cover the plate” thing…that may be the tackiest thing I have ever heard. If people are charging for attendance they should just sell tickets.</p>
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<p>Me, I’d gleefully go ruin her day. :mad: If you attend and are punctiliously polite and well-mannered and the bride lets fly with any nastiness, it just reflects right back on her in front of the very people she wants to impress. </p>
<p>Agree with DougBetsy’s suggestion to just attend the ceremony. Send a note of congratulations, but not a present. Or, make a charitable donation in honor of the couple.</p>
<p>ZM, life is very short, why agonize over this? (your niece probably wants you to agonize over this & try to make you miserable, is my bet) </p>
<p>1.) Go to the ceremony only, then leave. </p>
<p>2.) Go to ceremony & reception, bride & groom are too busy to have extended long conversations with everyone! Highly unlikey bride would make a scene on her big day! </p>
<p>3.) Don’t go at all. Send a gift if you like. </p>
<p>Sounds like this marriage will not last anyway!</p>