<p>I’d be on the same page as SlitheyTove on this one. I’d go just for the spectacle and schadenfreude (and for what will presumably be a heck of a nice filet, lobster tail, Sylvia Weinstock cake, and champagne). My guess is that the groom has similar values/lack thereof and you’ll get to see a great show. I’d drip honey to everyone who spoke to me and then cackle to my husband behind the program. And I’d buy the couple a nice $50 vase or whatever, as I would for anyone else, and sleep with a clear conscience.</p>
<p>But as for what ZM should do, I think the answer is whatever she feels like. If, as I suspect, she’s a nicer human being than I am and she’d be miserable at the wedding, then don’t go unless you think it will make your sister’s/mother’s life a lot easier.</p>
<p>I have visions of zoosermom going to the wedding dressed in the most trailer-trashy dress you can get your hands on. Get a Dolly Parton wig and put on some really fabulous over-done make up. I’d probably add a fake gold tooth, or maybe a henna sleeve tatoo of the devil or something. Then be all charming to everyone, and cozy up to the bride like you two are bff’s. Bwahahaha…</p>
Ahahaha! I love it. She would just die! The shame of it is that my niece is a summa cum laude grad of a good college, is very attractive, polished, articulate and interesting. There just seems to be something missing. My sister believes that, since my niece was a premie, they didn’t bond properly and she has spent her entire life making it up. Which is ridiculous, but it worked for my niece. And now that her wonderful father has died (he was the one who reined in the niece), my sister feels that there is yet another thing to make up for and the cycle continues.</p>
<p>I’d like to thank you all for the good advice, suggestions and insight. It’s nice to know that this is a situation where I’m not just a total idiot for not having an immediate answer. I like the idea of going to the church best and skipping the reception. She is my niece and I do love her and wish her well. I’d like to see her as a bride, but I’m fairly sure I’m not welcome at the reception. I’m going to sit my sister down just before the invitations go out and tell her what I think and ask her to be completely honest with me, letting me know if my niece would prefer we don’t come I can accept and respect that, and will do what I can to smooth things over with my mother. But that if my niece actually does want her family represented, she needs to make some sort of contact.</p>
<p>Veteran of Family Wars here: It sounds as if your sister wants you there. Go and support your sister if there is hope for the relationship. And, think of it this way…if the bride (brat that she is) is so flustered by your appearance at the wedding that it ruins her day…My hat is off to you…you’ve got POWER!</p>
<p>As for gifts and covering the plate. (OK, now I am being pretentious and truthful). I live in a very wealthy area and “run with a fabulous crowd”. (quoting Jill Zarin). We all buy gifts that we consider appropriate for the couple and our wallet. You must do the same.</p>
<p>And now…on a b**** note: $300, especially in nyc or los angeles, is NOT a fabulous wedding. It is a catering hall…Jersey style…pretentious wedding with aspirations of Park Avenue. PLEASE note: I am not putting down anyone from New Jersey or anywhere else. I believe that a wedding is a celebration of love and family, whether you have bologna rollups or a destination wedding in St. Tropez. If the young lady (using the term loosely) thinks that she is all that…let her. She isn’t…and the truth is…because of her attitude she is very low class. </p>
<p>Adding an additional 2 cents – IMO, this situation is a prime candidate for one-on-one direct communication. In your place, zmom, I would have a long, honest conversation with my sister and spell out everything you’ve written here. It’s unlikely that all the well-meaning folks here on CC can take the place of you talking directly with your sister.</p>
You couldn’t be more right. And my sister doesn’t come from a family like that. I can’t imagine where she got it from. My brother-in-law wasn’t like that either and he was the guy in their household with the bucks. A nicer, more charming man would have been hard to find.</p>
I’m definitely going to. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t missing something so glaringly obvious as to make the decision totally self-evident. Sometimes we can be so close to something that we miss the obvious. This doesn’t seem to be that.</p>
<p>OMG, zmom, were we separated at birth? My mother thinks my sister acts like she does because of a bicycle accident when my sister was 7 (and mom was pg with me). Isn’t it amazing what we tell ourselves because we love our children so?</p>
<p>Certainly, a heart to heart with the sister is in order, but – and I’m speaking from experience here – think about what your sister is getting from being in the middle of this relationship. I couldn’t change my sister, and I couldn’t change my mom (and I love my mom), but I could change how I react to them. Part of that was moving th the city I live in now, three hours away, just to get away from their bizarre dysfunction. My SIL (brother’s wife) told me what I couldn’t see – that my sister was jealous of me growing up and that now she’s jealous of my kids (think they’re treated better than hers even though they live THREE hours away!). Nothing, short of therapy, is going to make my sister change, so I’ve just quit trying and remain cordial and call on her birthday.</p>
It’s so nice that I’m not a member of some freak, mutant family of misery when the rest of the world is blissful.</p>
<p>I think you’re right about the relationships. My sister seems to thrive on being the gatekeeper. Actually, my mom does the same thing. She seems to work at making sure no two of her children are ever really speaking to each other. She wants every interaction to go through her.</p>
<p>Hey, compared to my in-laws my family is the Cleavers! ;)</p>
<p>That’s great that you have that insight about your sister and your mom. It took me a long time to get how my sister was constantly acting needy in order to get my mom’s attention and how this totally bought into mom’s desire to be needed. The clincher was when my SIL said my sister is jealous of me that I got that getting mom’s attention wasn’t just about her needs but getting attention away from me. And because mom really believed that the head injury when my sister was 7 is what caused this irrational behavior, I’m sure mom felt guilty that she wasn’t there to prevent the accident, blah blah blah. </p>
<p>Your niece sounds so beyond the pale that, truthfully, I wouldn’t reward her behavior by going to the wedding. I do feel sorry for your mom, but that’s your sister’s problem to figure out how to get your mom there. After the way the niece has treated your family I couldn’t go and even make a show of pretending to be the least bit happy. She hasn’t been benignly neglectful in maintaining a relationship; she’s gone out of her way to cause hurt. And, really, she doesn’t want her own grandmother there because she might be an inconvenience and ruin HER special day??? How narcisstic can she be? Hey, she’s not marrying Anthony Weiner, is she? ;)</p>
Ha! No, I’m told he is a wonderful young man, but I’ve never actually met him. We were at my BIL’s funeral, of course, but we weren’t introduced and never spoke. Everything is about the image portrayed. Her sister in law will be in the bridal party and 7 months pregnant. Apparently there was an apopleptic fit over that one.</p>
<p>The niece sounds beyond awful. She threatened to kill your baby, and behaved so horribly toward your younger daughter that she needed therapy? And now she is embarassed by her elderly grandmother and her pregnant SIL? I don’t see any reason to attend the wedding at all. You can just explain to your sister that, given the negative relationship with the niece and the absence of any recent communication with her, you do not believe that you belong at the wedding. I agree with a previous poster that you should take your mother out, with your DH and kids, instead. And I like the idea of making a contribution to charity as a wedding gift. If the groom is a wealthy investment banker, then they hardly need you to buy them china.</p>
<p>“Cover the plate.” I’ve learned what this means since moving to NY. It is an unknown concept in places I’ve lived previously. The height of tackiness, IMO.</p>
<p>I have never heard of guests paying and $280 is very expensive. I think leaving out your adult children is terrible especially if other cousins from fathers side are invited. On the other hand, it is so sad you are estranged from your sister. I have two daughters and it would break me if they stopped being close or became estranged. To be the bigger person would be to suck it up and go. However, if you think they just sent you an invitation out of necessity and with the expectation you wouldn’t come anyway, that is different story. </p>
<p>The safe thing imo, is to write a polite note and send a small gift. Definitely give a donation to a charity. Doesn’t sound like they need anything! I understand your struggle and wish you luck. Honestly, your niece sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do and is a very shallow human being. I truly hope you can reconnect with your sister someday.</p>
<p>Edit: missed where you said you are close to your sister, then go for her. Definitely.</p>
<p>"When I was pregnant with my firstborn, my niece picked up a knife at Thanksgiving and threatened to kill the baby and that set the tone ever after. "</p>
<p>Then:</p>
<p>“Hey, compared to my in-laws my family is the Cleavers!”</p>
<p>Don’t think I don’t see what you did there. Very slick.</p>
<p>/Chagrined, remembers being smartest guy/ass in the room</p>
<p>Agreed. It’s an ugly concept. You entertain your guests how YOU want to, not based on what their anticipated checks look like. </p>
<p>I think the only reason to go is if it is meaningful to your sister, and / or your mother who may need physical support if she has mobility / vision issues. </p>
<p>I, too, am disgusted by the thought that a gmother with mobility issues is “embarrassing.” I was at a wedding where the mentally disabled sister of the groom was in the wedding party, and shouted out a few things at inappropriate times because she just didn’t know any better. No one was embarrassed, least of all the bride and the groom – their graciousness towards letting the sister participate and gain some happiness from being in her brother’s special day, even though she didn’t fully understand, far outweighed the lack-of-picture-perfect-ness about the day.</p>
<p>I recall being incensed at Catholic weddings (mine, what a mistake), but I don’t recall incense. It may be used, however, at certain Italian weddings to signal that someone is going to get whacked after Momma dies.</p>
<p>I would have the long, honest conversation with your sister, and if you still have doubts and concerns, do not attend. It is a disturbing situation and there simply may have been too much bad behavior and hurt to allow you to go with the right frame of mind. I sure don’t blame you for being conflicted. If you do go, I would cap the gift at about $25! :)</p>
<p>By way of guidance, I would go and I would play the white trash card, hard. Some simple rules to adhere to:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I suggest bringing a cooler full of your own beer (church and reception); feel free to choose your favorite brand but if you don’t have a strong preference I would recommend Busch or Natty Light. Cans only.</p></li>
<li><p>I recommend copious tattooing. You may select florid coloring but prison blue is preferred. Misspellings are encouraged but not required.</p>
<ol>
<li>Finally, I recommend having one or more eye-teeth pulled.</li>
</ol></li>
</ol>