<p>I forgot to add when I posted that I have been to numerous Catholic weddings and not one used incense. I think that is only for Confirmation but I am a bit rusty.</p>
<p>"I have visions of zoosermom going to the wedding dressed in the most trailer-trashy dress you can get your hands on. Get a Dolly Parton wig and put on some really fabulous over-done make up. I’d probably add a fake gold tooth, or maybe a henna sleeve tatoo of the devil or something. Then be all charming to everyone, and cozy up to the bride like you two are bff’s. Bwahahaha… "</p>
<p>If only! That would be a sight to see. Miles of middle-aged cleavage and saggy panty hose with sandals are a critical component of this look.</p>
<p>I’m not troubled by the adult children not being invited, even if the cousins on the other side are invited. My first cousins had smaller weddings and invited my parents, but not us. No big deal. Without more context, it’s not worth getting worked up about. I would only be hurt if we were very close.</p>
<p>Hanna you stole my concept and gender adjusted (painful image) it. Expect an infringement suit.</p>
<p>Just WOW. Never heard of such drama in the Midwest. Never heard of “cover the plate,” either. Yikes.
Don’t go. But do call one of the cable stations to cover the event.
If the groom truly is a “wonderful young man,” I predict he’ll divorce “psycho niece” within a couple years.</p>
<p>Not sure why you would be “close” to this sister and “talk to her every day.”
She doesn’t sound like a very nice sister. If she can’t teach her daughter that grandma needs to be respected she isn’t a very good mother, either.</p>
<p>Go to the ceremony only–if you truly feel obliged to your sister.<br>
I’d skip it.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine putting myself or my mother through the hellish day that will be that wedding. Send a nice frame (complete with photo of you, your nuclear family and your mother) as a gift and spend the money you’d have spent on the wedding doing something that will make you and your family happy. You’ve said you won’t even be sitting with your sister and, let’s be honest, she’ll be busy hobnobbing with all the other guests at the reception, so you really wouldn’t be doing her any favors by going anyway. The niece sounds like a nut job and I would never entertain the thought of attending her wedding, especially since your daughter had to seek therapy because of her.</p>
<p>Maybe give them a cooler of beer (cheap beer) as a wedding present.</p>
<p>I second the suggestion of going to the ceremony only. And love Yodon’tsay’s idea of a charity donation as the wedding present.</p>
<p>
I LOVE this!!!</p>
<p>A $25 fan would be a good gift - in line with the white trash concept.</p>
<p>Stats? I thought you were a proper High WASP? (adjusting mental image here)</p>
<p>As some of you know, my in laws hate everyone who isn’t rich, white and Protestant. My sil told me she hoped my first born would be born dead. She never got to say that to about my other kids because we didn’t speak to them for 28 years. My in laws fully supported the other side.</p>
<p>Life events have happened and we have a tenuous (until my mil dies, at which point we never have to speak to them again) relationship with the dark side. I would offer a different suggestion for dealing with the dreadful people: Look lovely (nothing ****es these people when you do), act like the elegant tasteful people you are…and when someone says to the bride (because you have circulated well…and flash your best jewelry with a subtle grace), “Oh, we met your Aunt and Uncle…what LOVELY people they are!” We did exactly that…ticked them off royally.</p>
<p>Just know that at some point they will need you. Really. Life has a way of evening up the score. My bil went to two of my children (when the oldest was 24) asking for a job. </p>
<p>…and the final chuckle? Their son has had two serious girlfriends. One girl, Asian, who’s parents said that their son wasn’t good enough and he is white. And last weekend he brought home a Catholic girl who is Hispanic. My bil didn’t know she is Hispanic and he was furious. (Did I mention he is the most liberal of the two?) They passed the weekend in a fit. </p>
<p>…only to find out that HER family wasn’t too pleased with the match.</p>
<p>And my mantra about brides? The first time I hear the whine, “It’s MY day!!!” I’m done.</p>
<p>LOL somemom, that was hysterical. I would add that during your meeting with the new in-laws you should suggest they hide the kitchen knives and explain why!</p>
<p>I am a real estate attorney. Lots of people enter into long term ground leases of their property rather that selling it outright. As you can imagine, if Mom and Dad or Mom and Dad and Aunt and Uncle owned the land in 1961, 4-8-16 siblings and cousins own it now. At times I need to get the sets of siblings and cousins to sign documents. That is when I encounter the dysfunction that is most families. True cases:</p>
<p>Exhibit A: One time there were seven adult siblings who needed to sign something. No one sibling was talking to all of the others. I’d get the contact info for two of them from one, then one of those would know how to reach a couple of others etc. When all was said and done, I felt like sending the address list to all of them, in case they ever wanted to reach all of their siblings.</p>
<p>Exhibit B: My client was sued by a ground lessor made up of three brothers and an aunt. They all arrived at our offices for a settlement conference. But Brother “M” refused to be in the same room as his brothes and aunt. Separate teams negotiated the same deal with both factions and both agreed. But when Brother M found out, he withdrew his approval, because he just *had *to get a better deal than his brothers. </p>
<p>Exhibit C: We had a client who, during the middle of the deal, disappeared for 30 days to go to rehab. I asked how we got the client. The answer was that one of our senior partners had represented his father in seven different lawsuits against his own brother. (The parents left the family business to the brother and the other brother sued him constantly until they were both very old.)</p>
<p>Another vote for attending the ceremony only, in honor of your sister. I have never been to a Catholic wedding with incense - but it is part of every Catholic funeral I have been to.</p>
<p>The one I’m worried about is the groom!
Don’t go unless your mom really wants to attend and she needs help. I don’t see an upside of going except to please your mom and act as her aide. Your niece won’t care either way and your sister won’t have time for you. It won’t be hard to gracefully bow out.</p>
<p>Actually, I think you already have the answer to this:</p>
<p>
Exactly. If the bride calls and says, “Oh, it’s been far too long, we really do want you to come to the wedding,” then go. Otherwise - NO.</p>
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<p>zmom keeps bringing up (and other poster have not really acknowledged) that she and her sister are not only close, but her sister is facing this day without her husband. zmom has been a huge support for her sister, and even though it has been a while since he died, zmom is probably aware of how the sister will likely be caught off-guard when she sees her daughter walking down the aisle without her father. So it could be more of a harsh reality moment for the sister when she realizes this is perhaps one of many milestone moments at which her husband will not be there at her side. Even is zmom will not be sitting with her sister, my bet is that there will be an unspoken sharing of this difficult time, and the sister will be very grateful knowing zmom is there.</p>
<p>I really, really like the idea of zmom attending, and wowing everyone off their feet with her class, causing people to really wonder what all the fuss is that the niece makes about her family. She needn’t even acknowledge the niece (find ways that zmom’s mom ‘needs’ her to avoid personal contact), and the sister won’t even likely notice, but she will know that she is there to support her emotionally.</p>
<p>Oh, and I wouldn’t spend very much on a wedding gift, either!</p>
<p>Just a note: Last year we attended a Jewish/Catholic wedding with incense. The marriage was presided over by a rabbi and the archbishop…so you know it was kosher. (to use incense)</p>
<p>My gut reaction was, “Don’t go.” But teriwtt makes an excellent case for being there for your sister (and also about the gift!). If you can make it be about your relationship with your sister, not her horrible daughter, then you will be more likely to survive the event. Tell your sister she’s the reason you’re coming.</p>
<p>Three months ago I almost let the prospect of my crazy, mean brother’s presence at my mother’s memorial service intrude on the experience. When I convinced myself that he would only ruin it if I let him, because he does it for attention, then things were much better. I mostly just shut him out mentally. If you can do that with the bride (a weird thing to do at a wedding, I know), then maybe you can at least send your sister vibes of support.</p>
<p>Don’t stay long at at the reception!</p>