<p>I don’t have much to add besides that I agree with the majority–don’t go. Pamper your mom, and help her rise above such foolishness. I must add, though, that I live in New Jersey, and my parents are from NYC, they, and I, would be mortified to ever suggest that cover-the-plate silliness. I have heard it a few times since I moved to North Jersey, but I certainly wouldn’t be bound by it. It is indeed tacky, and you certainly shouldn’t feel like you have to follow this–and if your sister’s side of the family does, it just goes to show they are not the hoity toity high class folk they think they are. As a poster said,</p>
<p>Sorry about your situation - these family dilemmas are not uncommon, so do not let it make you feel bad.</p>
<p>I’d leave your husband at home (why put him through the drama and misery - say he has travel/minor surgery that day), go to the ceremony for your sister and mom, and if they appear to be well-taken care of, sneak out the back. Don’t go to the reception. </p>
<p>This way, no one can say that Aunt Zoosermom didn’t have the common courtesy of attending Niece’s wedding and make you feel bad again.</p>
<p>teriwtt, it might be that the sisters are close, but the mother of the bride seemed to have managed at her son’s wedding without inviting zmom, which seems to have been after the sister’s husband passed away. </p>
<p>The more I think about this situation, the odder it seems. If the spouse and I hosted a big-deal sweet sixteen party, let alone a wedding, for one of our D’s, and the not-so-sweet child said she didn’t want to invite one side of the family, there’s no way that we’d stand for that. zmom says that her BIL helped keep his daughter in line, but the sweet 16 party would have been before his death, which means both parents acquiesced to the daughter’s excluding half of her family. And now it’s zmom who is propping up her sister, who talks to her frequently…and the sister can’t stand up for zmom and her side of the family? I’m a total outsider, I can’t see the actual family dynamics, but this just seems so, so wrong to me. </p>
<p>zoosermom, so sorry that this is happening.</p>
<p>In my heart, I know that teriwtt’s post is really the classy way to handle this. I just don’t think I am capable of that much empathy for a sister who would let her d treat my family that way. The wedding may be hard for the sister, but she has allowed this all to happen, and she has only herself to blame. I know, I know…I’m a cold hearted thing.</p>
<p>ellebud, what happened when your bil asked your kids for jobs?</p>
<p>And here I thought MY family put the “fun” in dysfunctional…</p>
<p>I would not go to this wedding. If your sister can’t be truthful with you, she doesn’t deserve your presence. Let her daughter and son in law and her son support her in the absence of her husband.</p>
<p>Your niece sounds like a sociopath with borderline personality disorder. Anyone who can be so threatened by a BABY that they say they are going to kill them is seriously mentally troubled.</p>
<p>As for the excuses, my sister was a forceps delivery by a doctor who was later found liable for medical malpractice and had the largest jury award (at the time) ever awarded against him. His malpractice consisted of botching a forceps delivery. Before that verdict (when she and I were in our late teens), I used to say that when she was delivered, the doctor squashed the niceness and normalcy out of her. After reading about that case, I started to believe it. My parents, to the end of their days, made excuses about and for her, to the point that I cut my children off from all of them. I found out my mother had died a year after she passed…and I still haven’t shed a tear.</p>
<p>I would NOT attend this wedding and once the niece is married and gone, I would see about having an R with your sister if you want one. I have no desire to ever see or speak to my sister again in my lifetime. Knives, by the way, were involved.</p>
<p>I thought of BPD, too. actually, I have a close relative with it, and though a lot of the manipulation and distortion of reality sounds familiar, my family member is a much nicer person than this one, though she is unhappy and puts everyone around her through the ringer. This sounds, frankly, worse.</p>
<p>And unfixable. Nothing from your side can change how these people are. I think this is a case of saving yourself, and then making sure your mom’s on the raft, too.</p>
<p>My sister is BPD. Even my bi-polar SIL, who used to be close friends with her, won’t have anything to do with her anymore, she’s too scary. You are 100% correct; we can’t fix BPD people- they have to want to do the work and, sadly, most of them don’t see that they have a problem.</p>
<p>I would not go to this wedding if they paid me to come!</p>
<p>Maybe the groom is encouraging the bride to make up with the relatives she’s been feuding with. </p>
<p>I think many young men, when sitting with their bride-to-be working on the wedding guest list, would say, well of course we will invite your mother’s sisters and brothers.</p>
<p>slitheytove - I took it as she wasn’t invited because no one was speaking to her at that point. It wasn’t until the husband died that they began to speak. So I concluded that the husband was alive for the son’s wedding. </p>
<p>Zooser: Your sister permitted this divide to begin and continue. She did not have the guts to make a stand, even to a sixteen year old. If she owns it, not because she needs you on a particular day, but because she loves you and wants a relationship…then go. If you want to go because…you want to torture the bride, have fun watching, be an aide for your mother…despite the fact that you are expendable (but want to make the valid point of what nice/mature/forgiving people you are) go. If your sister can stand up to her daughter…go. If not, I can recommend activities for when the family is invited to a special event and you are not invited. </p>
<p>To answer the question if my son hired his “uncle” I will say this: My kid(s) are professionals. If the uncle had something extraordinary to bring to the table…and there was no one else who could do the job…perhaps. BUT, this was their first meeting in my son’s life (no kidding) and the uncle spent the dinner telling stupid stories about my husband when he was a child. The stories made the uncle the hero and the father…not. (character will show itself). My kids have made it clear: not in this lifetime would they recommend or attach him to a project.</p>
<p>I agree with those who recommended that you send a pre-printed short card & a token inexpensive gift or perhaps donate a heifer or something in their name to a charity or have prayers said in their name or something similar. Go out with your mom & family instead where you can have a nice time & not deal with the drama & stress. You can work out your relationship with your sister some other way but definitely NOT at this wedding that is only causing stress and unhappiness for you & your mom. I also agree that life is WAY too short to agonize about all of this.</p>
<p>Zoos: I had to bring this up from a few pages ago. My mom did the same thing. If I mentioned to her that I had spoken to my sister, she became overly curious – “Oh? What did you talk about? What did she say?” It wasn’t until my mother passed away that my sister and I became close.</p>
<p>Zoosermom - May be I am reading too much into it but I am wondering if your niece is ashamed of all the things she did to you and your family and does nt want to remember it by having you around. When people are behaving badly towards others, they do know they are doing it. If they do it to everyone it is onething but if they did that to only some people, they must feel some level of shame. She did seem to have a very deep love hate relationship with you.</p>
<p>Zmom - I don’t think there is a right or a wrong answer to this dilemma. People have made excellent points and as I read them I changed my mind many times as to what you should do.</p>
<p>Here’s my two cents. For about the last four years, I thought of, and referred to my brother as either that idiot or that a******. One time in particular it took every ounce of strength to treat him as I would in a professional situation. I acknowledged his comments, but did not respond or argue. For the sake of my mom I did nothing that would escalate the situation. </p>
<p>In the last six months, things have improved a lot. Details are unimportant, but some things happened that changed the dynamics. I still think he can be an idiot, but he is my brother the idiot and will be so for the rest of my life.</p>
<p>Things change, situations change, relationships change. I think I would go, be brightly superficially happy and gracious. Pretend these are all people you just met and behave accordingly. Talk only about the day, the flowers, the dresses, etc. Stay in the moment. Years from now, it will be one less point of contention between you and your sister. If
you don’t think you can do that, stay away & do something fun with you family and don’t second guess yourself. We are all just doing the best we can.</p>
That would be the case if I were sure that she really wanted us to come (and by “us” I mean my mom, too, because my niece hates my mother 10,000 times more than she hates me – and my mom has always been generous with her financially and in terms of attention, but my mom was the one who would never tolerate her behavior and it drove my niece nuts) I’m just afraid that my coming will make the day worse for my sister because my niece might punish her for it. I just wish my sister would be honest. If she said “Daughter will make my life a living hell if you come,” I would totally understand and be supportive. It’s the not knowing that is making me nuts. It’s also possible that my mother may not go, independent of me. She is devastated about the shower and about the fact that my niece hasn’t called to tell her about the engagement. Also, my mother is slipping badly from week to week and it might not be possible to drive in to the wedding, spend a couple of hours on a sightseeing trolley between the ceremony and reception, attend a reception and then get home. Any one of those things could conceivably become too much for her. She has also made herself so anxious about getting sick or falling at the wedding and making a spectacle that I’m afraid it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.</p>
<p>We have always said that there is something missing in my niece and my sister knows it better than anyone because she is the absolute worst victim of my niece. I could tell you stories! But it’s her kid, so she excuses things that most people would not tolerate. You’re all right about the Sweet 16. There were 200 people there and my mother and I generally spoke to my sister every day and the whole year-long planning process was kept a total secret from us. We didn’t even know that the party had taken place until close to a year later when an elaborate photo album was left laying out. They and my BIL’s family were actively engaged in making sure that no one in my sister’s extended family found about it. I wasn’t upset not to be invited but the sneaking and lying really bothered me. I truly believe that celebrants should be surrounded by people they love and who bring them joy. We are not in that group for my niece and I wouldn’t have hurt feelings to be excluded, and I would be totally fine with continuing my relationship as normal with my sister and leaving my niece out of it.</p>
<p>Reading a couple of the kind posts here make me feel a little guilty for taking such a hard-line stance, but every time I read what she, with your complicit sister, have done it makes me angry. I wouldn’t go. And I’d pretend it didn’t bother me at all, because, really, it wouldn’t. By continuing to discuss it, the niece gets what she wants – attention.</p>
<p>Families are so funny. I remember how my mom let my sister invite people to my wedding so she’d have her friends there to entertain her. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Go to the wedding! When my oldest daughter married, we had every child in the family under the age of 7 in the wedding. (4 girls & 2 boys) We felt compelled that no child was left out. We were able to purchase matching dresses for $50 online & tuxes for the same amount. Yes, we paid for it all! Only 2 bridesmaids who were her sisters. We saved money in other ways. One way we saved money was to have a horse drawn carriage ($250) instead of a limo ($700). The kids all got a ride. We all had a great day.</p>
<p>Two months later, our five year old great niece was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and died in December of 2010. Those wedding photos and photos of her “Cinderella” carriage ride became a precious commodity. From this life experience, our family learned that defining moments are important. Weddings and funerals are examples.</p>
<p>Our relationships with our family became closer because we went beyond ourselves to serve my sister’s and nephew’s children.</p>
What a beautiful story! I’m sorry for your terrible loss, but I’m glad things worked out for your family relationships. Those photographs must be incredibly precious.</p>
<p>The question for us, though, is whether my sister actually wants us to come to the wedding or if it is just too hard to say that she doesn’t. There is no question. My niece absolutely doesn’t want her grandmother, aunts, uncles or cousins to attend her wedding. It’s just not clear to me how big of a deal it is to her.</p>
<p>That is a beautiful story, AHSTeacher. When DH and I married, we invited all children of our friends and relatives - an unusual thing to do at the time. Our wedding was suitable for kids, because it was at a country house with grounds and it was relatively casual - no church or hotel. We did have a couple of babysitters there to ride herd on them. I remember someone commenting that it was great to see kids at a wedding because, after all, that’s what marriage is all about. </p>
<p>Zm’s situation is different. She is not arranging the wedding, but is considering being an unwelcome (at least, to the bride) guest. Her mother is also unwelcome and it has been made clear that her physical condition makes her an embarrassment. Her children, including adult daughters, have been excluded. Her family has been excluded from other big family events. She has not been in communication with the bride in years and the bride keeps her contact information from zm. The bride’s previous behavior toward her family has been bizarre. There is no big happy family here, and no hope of building one.</p>