Should I go to THIS wedding?

Parent Cafe
101

<p>My older sister (mother of great niece) tried to blow off the dresses (that’s why I paid) and the whole event. Her other two sons didn’t attend (another blow off). Now, because of the significance of the event to her granddaughter, relationships changed. At the funeral, all family members that didn’t attend/tried to blow off, expressed deep regret. I made multiple photo books for all family members that were hurting.</p>

<p>When I offered to pay for the dresses/tuxes I said “We want to honor your child,” as a way to smooth things over. I was miffed, but now in retrospect, we did honor that child.</p>

<p>Won’t grandma be in some photos? You could always just attend the service, pose, and then bow out…</p>

102

<p>Exactly, NYMom. AhST–that is a beautiful and tragic story, but pictures from zoos’s niece’s wedding, will not, no matter what happens in the future, tell a story of a happy, intact family. It sounds like right now they’d be at most a polite fiction. Which is sad, but it’s probably better to acknowledge what is, rather than trying to wrastle it into what we wish it was. (which is not to denigrate real attempts at healing; I just don’t get the idea that this event will be that.)</p>

103

<p>Joan–my BPD relative knows what she has, and would love to be better. She has not found the therapy/medicine regimen which will bring that about, at least none that is covered by her insurance. She really can drive us nuts, but I know it’s not because she wants to. I’ll acknowledge that she makes a lot of wrong decisions with how to deal with this, but I think part of the problem is that it interferes with her decision making faculties. It’s an ongoing stress for everyone, especially as she is a sngle mom of a young son (whose father has his own big issues) so even when we lose patience with her, we need to keep watching out for him.</p>

104

<p>Zooser–</p>

<p>I am so sorry. You are the last person who deserves this kind of grief. I am in the don’t go and tell them why camp. I think that there should be consequences for horrific behavior and, alas, for horrific parenting. I realize that your sister is recently bereaved, but you are already supporting her. You speak with her daily. Clearly you forgive her for her bad parenting, even insofar as its fruits have had a terrible, adverse affect on you, your daughter, and your mother. </p>

<p>But I think that rather than modeling politeness, etc., it would be better to model that even kind, forgiving people have limits, and perhaps one should modify one’s (horrific) behavior accordingly. If your niece had apologized, changed, shown any insight into her destructive behavior – if your sister had said, you will invite your grandmother to your shower and treat her with kindness and respect; you will do xyz for your Sweet 16 or there will be no Sweet 16 because the fact that it’s your day does not mean it is your day to hurt or exclude our dear relatives; I’m ashamed of what you’re saying about your dear, pregnant sister-in-law to be; you must apologize to your 14 year old cousin and seek treatment, which might have lead to such a change – then perhaps you would have some sort of moral obligation to suck it up and attend what will undoubtedly be a tasteless wedding extravaganza.</p>

<p>But this girl is a menace to society and has hurt you and your family through dramatic acts of commission, and (sorry) your sister has been actively complicit. Your niece is not sorry. For pete’s sake, she is hurting your mother on an ongoing basis and she has no remorse.</p>

<p>The reason for you not to attend her wedding is not that she hates you and doesn’t really want you there, it is because, as a result of her outrageous behavior and in the absence of an apology, YOU choose not to spend a single second in her presence. While you have exerted considerable effort on her behalf in the past, she has shown that she does not deserve the amount of effort involved in zipping up your aunt-of-the-bride dress.</p>

<p>As in, “I’m so sorry, but her behavior toward me and my family, the fact that she has never apologized, and her cruel attitude toward our elderly, handicapped mother have lead me to decide that I don’t care to attend.”</p>

<p>Your niece, and trying to figure out what she really wants, and what might or might not be good for your sister, should not be in the driver’s seat here. You should, and I hope you’ll drive rapidly in the other direction. There are much better ways to spend your day.</p>

105

<p>And AHS, so sorry for your loss, your story made me tear up.</p>

106

<p>Nester, that’s spot on. Excellent.</p>

107

<p>Zoosermom, if you decide not to go to the reception, I think that making a gift to a charity in their names is a great idea. You can even make it a subtle comment: say, a water buffalo or a heifer through the Heifer Project, or a contribution to an organization that serves the mentally ill. :smiley: The niece can’t complain about it without looking like a greedy so-and-so.</p>

<p>It doesn’t sound as if it is at all realistic to expect your mother to make it through the whole thing. That gives you the perfect excuse to just attend the ceremony with her and go home.</p>

<p>Although I fully agree that you would be entirely justified in not going at all, if your mother wants to be at the ceremony I would do that just as a kindness to her.</p>

108

<p>zmom - I’ve just finished the entire thread and I have to say your problem is with your sister. You say you are now close and you speak everyday, so why can’t you believe that you are wanted at the ceremony? Honestly, I think you are making excuses for her behavior like she does for her daughter. And I completely understand and appreciate WHY we do things like this! It certainly happens in my own family.</p>

<p>Take your mother, go to the ceremony and then for the “sake of your mother” do not attend the reception. It would be hard for me to eat a meal with a niece like that!</p>

<p>Peace to you.</p>

109

<p>So I read this thread, then I go look at another website, and hear the saga of a fellow who found out 3 weeks before his wedding that the venue rental (a private mansion) fell through. With a bunch of on-line help, he and his intended came up with a new venue (a relative’s farm!) and entertainment (bouncey houses at a wedding, how fun is that?)</p>

<p>[Update:</a> I’m the guy whose wedding venue cancelled on him three weeks before the big day. Here’s how it went. : reddit.com](<a href=“http://www.reddit.com/r/reddit.com/comments/i0kg0/update_im_the_guy_whose_wedding_venue_cancelled/]Update:”>Reddit - Dive into anything)</p>

<p>I think I’d rather go to the wedding with the s’mores. :)</p>

110

<p>Thank you all for the great advice and insight. You’ve all given me a lot to think about.</p>

111

<p>Be sure to let us know what you decide and how everything went. No matter what we all support you!</p>

112

<p>I like the charity donation idea, but I would not try to make a point with this. I would choose a bland, plain-vanilla charity - United Way, Red Cross. The bride will already be talking about you for making the donation rather than buying her a gift, and I would not give her any ammunition.</p>

113

<p>While I agree with everyone who said this niece does not deserve your presence, I can’t help projecting ahead to the likely future discussion among relatives about why Aunt Zoosermom was not at the wedding. No matter how you phrase it (unless you say you were ill or something), you will look like the bad guy who took the low road when the olive branch (i.e., the invitation) was extended to you. I know it would feel like compromising your principles and caving to the enemy, but the real reason you would be going (and leaving early) would be to protect yourself in the long run.</p>

114

<p>I dunno. You’d have to be blind to think you’ve extended the olive branch , but the Z kids (adult cousins) still aren’t invited, and grandma’s being regularly dissed. If people lay all that on Aunt Z, and don’t see their continued jerkiness, then they have issues that no amounts of being the better guy will change.</p>

115

<p>

I’m the only one who is agonizing about this. My brothers are not going. My oldest brother has scheduled the vacation of a lifetime (for him) that very week, and my youngest brother won’t even entertain the idea. My mother really doesn’t want to go and is (I think) looking for an excuse not to go because she is terrified that she will do something untoward. So there won’t be anyone there to miss me except my sister and she might be relieved. I don’t know the bride’s friends and I’ve never met the groom or his family.</p>

116

<p>If everyone else on your side who was invited isn’t going, then I wouldn’t worry at all about your decision not to. Unless, you think you might want to “fix” your relationship with your sister and not going will make it worse.</p>

117

<p>If I were Z sister and I was trying to mend the fence between my daughter and her aunt, I would have asked my daughter to call her aunt to personally invite Z to the wedding. Frankly, if my kids were so disrespectful to my side of family, I would be quite upset - you honor me, you honor my family - I would not have allowed my kids to mistreat my parents or siblings. In some ways, I feel more sorry for Z’s sister that she has allowed her kids to treat her so poorly.</p>

<p>Z - did something happened between your side of the family and your sister’s kids? Most kids do not care enough about their aunt/uncle to have such a strong feeling. Did your sister talk badly about her side of the family?</p>

118

<p>Hell will freeze over before I go to the wedding of anyone who I know despises me.</p>

119

<p>

Yes. In a nutshell. You know how on some threads we sometimes talk about grandparents favoring one set of grandkids? This is the outcome of that, sort of. My sister is much older than I and her kids are much older than mine. They were the shining stars of the family (including to me), even though they lived about an hour away. When my kids were born they lived right near my parents and my mother babysat a couple of times a week (which would have driven my sister crazy because my mother became a third parent) and my father became too ill to grandparent anyone, so my sister felt that her kids lost the attention. Which was probably true, but only because (a) they were too old to want to be bothered, (b) my father was no longer able, and (c) my mother babysat. My sister cranked up an imaginary rivalry because she is the kind of person who not only wants to have more than you, she wants to be sure you have nothing. We say in our family that if she was given a choice between having 10 million dollars and you having five million dollars or having ten dollars and you having zero, she’d choose the latter option. So, yes, ultimately it is her fault. I can say with a clear conscience that we have always been good to my sister’s kids and accepted a lifetime of disrespect and hurt because we thought they’d one day grow up and see what was true. That didn’t happen. I struggle with that, my brothers couldn’t care less, and my mother wants to be left in peace.</p>

120

<p>Based on your response, do you really feel you and your sister are close? My sister and I have a similar relationship. We talk frequently, but there is always that underlying undertow beneath it all. She acts as though everything is fine, but in reality I know deep in my heart that my sister does not like me and Im not particularly fond of her.</p>