Yes. She pretty much raised me because we had a terminally ill third sister. She is wonderful to my kids and they adore her. The only fly in the ointment is her daughter. She knows exactly how awful my niece is because she is the biggest target, but I would never ask her to choose, and I would be fine to continue our relationship exclusive of my niece. The young lady lives on her own, is employed and celebrates holidays with the fiance’s family. Except for the wedding, it’s possible that she would never cross my path again.</p>
Now for me, this is the last reason on earth that I would go. Besides, if Aunt Zoosermom doesn’t go, that means no one from Zm’s side will be there. I think people will not wonder about Zm specifically, but will wonder why the niece has no relationship with anyone from her mothers side.</p>
Would you believe I hadn’t thought of that? My brother-in-law’s family knows that my mother is living and that my sister has siblings, nieces and nephews. In fact, several members of that family have always treated my kids like their own relatives. The friends and the groom’s family probably don’t know we exist, but for the relatives and parental friends, it will be glaring. I’m not sure what to make of that, though!</p>
<p>Is this the same sister who raised you and your kids adore? If this is indeed how she operates, it’s not hard to imagine why her daughter was/is so angry and self-centered. The apple never falls too far from the tree.</p>
<p>IMO it sounds as though you desire a more ideal relationship with your sister than actually exists, possibly because you love her for being there for you when your parents couldn’t be. You are a big and loving person to forgive all the hurt she and her children have brought over the years. But you have clearly chosen to accept “a lifetime of disrespect and hurt”…‘hoping’ that things will change and everyone will see the light. Even if your niece lives far away and your paths never cross again, the family dynamic is so ingrained it will likely cause you more hurt down the road unless you choose not to allow it.</p>
<p>As far as the wedding, I agree with your brothers and those who say skip the whole thing (gift, ceremony and reception), keep it cordial with your sister (ie bow out gracefully…no detailed explanation needed), and then, keep a healthy distance. Family drama can suck the life out of you for sure! {{hugs}}</p>
<p>Zoos–it’s hard to get a handle on this because in post 121, you say that the only fly in the ointment is your niece, but previously you have just described your sister’s chronic resentment towards your family since your kids were born. I am guessing that you yourself are torn on how much to acknowledge the amount of negative treatment coming from your sister (not just your niece) that you seem to allude to but then back away from.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if this is why you are so torn over the wedding–it’s tough to reconcile two opposing views of your sister’s treatment and attitude to you, so it’s hard to know how to act. </p>
That’s exactly it. I understand why my sister has so much anger toward my mother, although I think that when you are in your 60s it’s time to let it go, but my sister was always good to me and my kids. There has certainly been conflict as there is in every relationship, but it is still valuable and important to me. My ideal resolution would be for my niece to contact either me or my mother and tell us what she really thinks. My sister presents this sometimes as “she wants her whole family there” and maybe that is true. I haven’t seen her since her father died and it’s possible that my niece (who worshipped her father) would want other people with whom she shares a history to be at the wedding. But it’s more likely that she doesn’t. I can see it both ways and since I haven’t spoken to her in so long, I don’t know if she has grown up in the intervening years (not likely) or if she’s still the same monster she always was. Then there’s the delicate possibility that my sister is keeping us apart because some of the stuff attributed to my niece is coming from her. Or a combination of both. I still think that if there is no contact, we shouldn’t go. It seems to me that on getting engaged, my niece could and should have called. It would have been a perfect excuse to break the ice and we would all have been happy for her. I mean, it’s an exciting thing. But she didn’t.</p>
Wow. Look at all the mixed messages and inconsistencies you’ve gotten/felt from the get go. This is unfortunately a no-win situation. While you want your sister to be honest with you, its hard to trust what she says, and add to that she has put herself in the middle between the extended family (your side of the family) and bridezilla. So, even if she (sister) says she really wants you there, do you believe it? She hasn’t stood up to her dau yet, so that won’t change, but that isn’t your problem. If you insist that you will only go if bridezilla contacts you directly, that is your out as there is zero chance bridezilla will contact you, based on everything you’ve said. For that matter who knows if your sister will even tell her you want a personal verbal invitation. Can you really trust that she will? I would not count on that, which just adds more drama.</p>
<p>Make a choice based on what you want and you can live with, not what the other family members will be living with. If you want to go, even briefly, or to enjoy the yummy food, then go. Your niece will have her issues no matter what you do. Do you want to hear reports from your sister all the events of the wedding after all is said and done? Will that stick in your craw or will you enjoy it. Does your mother really want to go (after being told she will ruin the shower? Ouch). If your mother really wants to go, then go and be her assistance. That is the right thing to do for her. Never mind about whats right for the bride. She is wrapped up enough in her own selfishness, probably doesnt give a rat’s a$$ what is best for you or your mom, or her mom (your sis) for that matter. Make the choice that will let you sleep at night. The have enough drama for 100 families. Actually, it might be fun to watch at the wedding/reception.</p>
<p>I have been to 2 out of town weddings two weekends in a row. The drama was between the parents of the brides and grooms at both weddings, and to be honest, it did add some entertainment value. But it didnt affect me personally one way or the other, and I dont have to live with any long term consequences. </p>
<p>In your case, you will be the “bad aunt” no matter what you do. If you accept that, then do what you want. As for a gift, maybe you can regift something your sister gave to you :)</p>
You’ve hit the nail right on the head. That’s the dilemma in a nutshell.</p>
<p>
Funny you should mention a gift. I told my sister as soon as niece got engaged that I was going to get her the electric table mixer and everything necessary to make my famous mashed potatoes (I don’t think I’m anything much, but I do make the best mashed potatoes), including a written copy of The Method. My kids don’t even have the method! So my niece puts a table mixer on her registry that costs $600. I don’t really have that, but I could save up for it, which I was planning to do but my sister called me the other day to tell me that she had purchased that. I can’t help but see that as a message.</p>
<p>The very fact that they kept the sweet 16 party a secret for eons speaks volumes to the inability to trust any of their communication, or lack thereof. Sadly, your sister isn’t going to do anything that will put salt in any wound she has with her dau, so I don’t think she would tell bridezilla that you want a personal invitation. Why would she?</p>
<p>So if you want a personal call, from someone who has been unwilling to share any of her contact information (and which is supported by mom/sister) and who hasn’t spoken to you in eons, it ain’t gonna happen. And sadly, sister isn’t going to grow a spine ansd stand up to her dau anytime soon either. If she ever wants to see her future grandchildren, she has to “behave”. This is commonly what these kids do-- threaten (down the road when it becomes an issue) to keep the parents from seeing their grandkids. Ugly, ugly manipulative behavior.</p>
<p>Of course it breaks your heart. That is terribly painful, both with respect to your relationship (or lack thereof) with the niece, but more importantly with your sister. She has to live with the consequences and her relationship with the daughter from hell. You have been more tolerant and forgiving. So she can count on you to get over it, whereas she can’t count on that with her daughter.</p>
<p>I view invitational snubs as a blessing. For the record, I don’t want to go to your kids 8th grade grduation, Sweet 16, bar(t) mitzvah, confirmation, Eagle Scout ceremony, talent show, or swim meet. </p>
<p>And while I have forgotten those who left me off invitation lists 10 years ago, I remain grateful (you know who you are, I don’t, but you do).</p>
<p>The more I think about this, and the more you tell us about your relationship with your sister, the more I think you should not go. (Counter to my original stance.)</p>
<p>It doesn’t seem as if going will achieve anything positive, other than to partially conceal the fact that Bridezilla has no relationship with her mother’s family. I see no reason to be a party to that deception. You already have a close relationship with your sister. Bridezilla is probably hopeless. Your poor mother has been humiliated and disrespected to a degree that is simply astonishing. The pettiness of the stand mixer thing is yet another astonishing chapter in a long list. </p>
<p>Unless Bridezilla surprises us all and actually calls or writes you, don’t go. I would <em>definitely</em> not send a gift, except one to a charity in her name.</p>
<p>jym, nice summary of issues. Nice noticing of details. That’s why you’ve got the advanced degree in clin psych and the rest of us work from arm chairs!! (You know – “arm chair psychologists.”)</p>
<p>After reading all the posts, I too am changing my mind.
Don’t go, have a special outing with your mother on that day.
Send a donation in the couple’s names to the charity that best supports your mother’s chronic illness.</p>
<p>You know, maybe the invitation is coming from the sis, not the bride. This could be one of those weddings where the guest list is 25% bride’s, 25% grooms, 25% groom’s parents, and 25% bride’s parents. </p>
<p>Maybe sis really wants zooser there. Maybe the bride has been told that her mom gets to invite some people and she chooses zooser. Perhaps the bride has no say in her mother’s guest list. Perhaps there’s a financial string attached. </p>
<p>It’s a foregone conclusion that the bride doesn’t want Aunt Zooser there. So, who does? The sister does. That’s probably how Grandma ends up on the list, too. </p>
<p>So, if you consider that the invitation came from sis, not the bride, is it worth going? I think so. Because skipping it would make the bride happy and hurt the sister. </p>
<p>(And I mean attend ceremony only. There are too many risks at the reception.)</p>