<p>zoosermom, yummm! The Method sounds awesome and should not be shared with evil people. ;)</p>
<p>When I make mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving, I use Yukon Golds and mash them with half an half instead of milk and butter. I put the mass into a serving dish, smooth the top with a spatula, then make “waves” on the top with a spoon, sprinkle with butter shavings and put in the oven until all butter melts. 
Not recommended for the Diet Thread.</p>
<p>Oooh butter shavings! Never thought of that, but I’m going to steal it.</p>
<p>Consolation, I’m so sorry. That would be a horror for me.</p>
<p>Just checking in after a couple of days. The mashed potato gift story does it for me. Do not grace this event with your presence! What your sister did was just plain nasty. But thanks for the great Method!</p>
<p>^^^ You don’t necessarily know that it was intentionally nasty. Maybe the sister wasn’t paying close attention and didn’t think zmom’s suggestion was a definite plan. Maybe she realized that zmom offered, but that she had no clue as to the price, and was trying to point her in another direction. Or, yes, the motive could have been that she was selfishly precluding the possibility of receiving a “lesser” mixer! </p>
<p>Zmom, I am coming in late to the thread, I know, but I seem to recall you talking about your mother in a thread not long ago and in exceptionally critical terms. Is it possible that some of this dynamic is due to your sister’s unwillingness to tolerate her vs. your sense of loyalty and responsibility, regardless? It would explain a lot, even some of the seemingly outrageous comments and choices made by your sister and niece ( the Sweet 16, the shower etc). Without knowing more about the major incident that happened with your niece it’s hard to say more, although the Thanksgiving remark, little as she was, sounded beyond chilling, and the kicking over of the drinks story a real red flag, too IMO. Do you know if your niece was ever diagnosed or treated for any mental issues? Anyway, if your sister and niece had legitimate grievances against your mother, you very well could have been caught in the middle.</p>
<p>Bottom line - it’s been many years and you and your sister seem to have mended your rift. My concern is that if you require a phone call as a condition for your attendance your niece will fear you are looking to rehash the past or worse, see it as demanding and controlling on your part, when an invitation is a gesture she may feel can speak for itself. There is clearly a lot of baggage and history going into this wedding, but I am really not sure it works to play things according to any immediate timetable or deadline. I think you need to ask yourself what you want out of this. If it’s the possibility now or in the future for a better relationship with your sister or even your niece ( whom you say you still love and care for, despite everything) then maybe the softer and better approach would be to take baby steps - go with no strings attached and play it by ear afterwards, when emotions and stress are not as high. If you don’t go there is also the real possibility your sister will be hurt by your choice later and resent it, regardless of what she says now. </p>
<p>Most of all, I wanted to say that you are the only one who knows the whole story and all the people involved and can judge what is right - none of us here on this thread are in the position to do that.</p>
<p>Re: mashed potato method… up to the butter and milk, mine is the same. At the point, instead of butter and milk, I add warm whipping cream. (I pull it out of the fridge and put it in the microwave for a minute or so, just enough to warm it.) Since whipping cream basically is butter and milk, emulsified (you can make butter from it), you get the same result and a lot more fluffiness.</p>
<p>Has the wedding shower happened yet? I am suspecting something new will happen between now and the wedding that will solidify your decision one way or another about attending, zoos. You can always change an RSVP</p>
<p>ZM: I don’t often visit the Cafe, so I’m sorry I’m coming late to the party but I wanted to say that I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. I don’t think you should go. You want to support your sister, but she finagled things and LIED for over a year when she held your niece’s Sweet 16. It wasn’t a “oh we had a cake and just had a few people over” type of thing; it was an expensive planned event. And your mom, brothers, DH & kids don’t want to be at the wedding either. At some point, even if the niece is a flaming tool who manipulates your sister, your sister has to be responsible for how she has allowed your mom, you and your immediate family to be treated over the years. Why should you support her when the feelings of her family haven’t mattered up till now?</p>
<p>I feel like I need to weigh in about “covering the plate.” I lived in NJ all my life so I understand the concept. The bridal party doesn’t say tell guests how much the dinner is costing, but as a guest I would check with the facility to get an idea of what the cost was so I could write out an appropriate check. Wrapped type presents were limited to showers; I don’t know anyone who received presents at their weddings, everyone gave checks. Obviously if you were broke (aka when we all were getting married right after college and going to each other’s weddings) and didn’t “cover the plate,” it wasn’t an issue. And if it was a close relative and you were doing well, you more than “covered the plate.” I fully expect to be writing checks for at least $1000 when my niece and nephew get married and I will be happy to do so.</p>
<p>RobD, the cafe is where people like me go to keep our post counts “down.” lol</p>
<p>Another regional thing: I would be appalled if people called a venue to see how much money I was spending on my reception. I can’t decide if that’s worse than what I originally thought, which is that someone leaks an inflated number so that people think 1) I spent more than I did, and 2) I’d come out ahead on this deal!</p>
<p>And, wow, I couldn’t even cover the shrimp fork at some of these receptions, much less a whole plate. ;)</p>
<p>YDS: it’s not as calculating as it sounds (calling the venue.) Most of the time people in your circle are having weddings at the same type of place so you have an idea of how much “the plate” should be. But if it seems different (like the time one of my fancier friends had her wedding at a hotel) then I/my friends would call and get a ballpark figure. We all had a standard gift amount (back in the late 80’s/early 90’s of about $100/couple or $50/single) but you wouldn’t get thrown out, not invited to future events, etc. if you didn’t cover. </p>
<p>Honestly, it was much easier for me as a guest and as a bride to deal with checks than gifts. Especially at the wedding. But it’s a regional norm. I also had no idea people had receptions at their homes or at church halls (unless it was a facility with a huge kitchen) before I moved. Or didn’t have a full meal with open bar.</p>
<p>“it was much easier for me as a guest and as a bride to deal with checks than gifts.”</p>
<p>This makes perfect sense to me, and is a common concept in many cultures. But I don’t see why the cost of the reception ought to have anything to do with it. If you want to support the new couple, you ought to do that whether they feed you baked chicken and Diet Coke or a lobster tail and champagne.</p>
<p>Where I live (always the NE, not that far from ZMom), one doesn’t literally pay the cost of the plate; one considers that cost as an approximation of what a generous close friend might give, either as cash or as a gift. It’s a rule of thumb, and no one will shun you if you don’t give something worth that much.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I have mixed emotions about you going to the wedding. I probably wouldn’t go. That being said, I am dying for you to go so we can all hear about what happened and how you were treated. I do think that you would not be treated kindly. I would love to know if the groom-to-be has any idea as to what the family dynamics are. One has to wonder what the bride has told him about her mother’s family.</p>
<p>I would definitely give bridezilla soda, a bag of potatoes and a card, then go & have a wonderful evening with mom & your wonderful family. Life is waaayyyyy too short to be involved in such historonics & it sounds like your mom would be relieved as well.</p>
<p>Went to a wedding yesterday. The bride had all her sibblings in the wedding party, including one who has an obvious metabolic disorder. There were MANY in wheelchairs and other assistive devices among the guests. Everyone had a marvelous time; as is common in HI, many gifts were envelopes with $$$. My sisters talk about “covering the plate,” but H & I base our gifts on how close we feel to the folks getting married & their families, our circumstances and the neediness of the honorees.</p>
<p>Zoosermom-- I didn’t read all of the responses and so I am not sure if someone else has suggested this in a prior post. Would it be possible for you to only go to the ceremony. This would allow you to be a part of the event for your sister, but you could avoid all of your discomfort around your niece by not attending the party.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, be aware that when you are dealing with mean spirited people, and your niece seems to fit into that category, you aren’t going to “win” regardless of what you do. Your gift is going be tacky, not enough or too much. Your attire and remarks will get sneers. If you just show up for the ceremony, that will be an insult. If you show up for the whole thing it was a charity invite and the family must invites showed up for the chow and show. You just can’t win in these situations. So you do what YOU want to do, and give what you want to give.</p>
<p>I’ve never heard about this “covering the plate” thing and it is very tacky in my opinion. That means all who attend the wedding whether financially able or not should give gifts in the amount of what the “plate” cost? That’s outrageous. You give according to what you can reasonably afford. The nicer gifts are those that fit the needs of the couple most closely. If you don’t know the couple’s specifics well, you pick something from the registry. I tend to do that and then add something personal if I can, that is not a cost thing but something little and personal. </p>
<p>Who is bringing your mother to the wedding? Is it expected to be you? If so, the invite might be so that there is a caretaker for her at the wedding. </p>
<p>Personally, I would sit out this one and just send a very nice card and a small gift from the registry.</p>
<p>I’m weighing in late but spent last night reading the thread. First, my heart breaks for you. It’s clear that this whole thing hurts you very badly.</p>
<p>I go back and forth on whether I would go or not. I’m a bit of a trouble maker so I would probably go just for the show. I’m not sure. One thing that I see in all of this is your sister’s complicity in the situation. I know you say that you are close and yet, much of her behavior is very hurtful. Buying the mixer was the last clue i needed to see. I don’t think there is any way to explain that except as a slight to you. Even if she was trying to urge you in another direction because the mixer selected is so expensive, wouldn’t someone who cares about you talk to you about it first?</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. Sometimes family s**ks. I think of m friends as the family I CHOSE to have.</p>
<p>I agree with cpt above^^. Since they won’t be happy no matter what, just do what you want.</p>
<p>Re: covering the plate. I am originally from the midwest and have never heard of this. At my own wedding there were guests who had very limited incomes who gave us small amounts of money or very modest gifts and that was fine by us. We were simply happy that they were there to share our day. Oh and some of the small gifts were things that I ended up using every day for years.</p>
<p>I do feel bad that you have been put in this situation by these people.</p>
<p>This talk of wedding gifts reminds me of something that happened when I was 7 or 8. One of my aunts was getting married, and I walked up to the local Woolworth’s with my allowance and chose a gift. I bought plastic salt-and-pepper shakers that probably cost a quarter and, I’m sure, were ugly as sin. At the wedding, my new uncle went down on one knee, in his tux, so that he was at my level, looked in my eyes, and told me how much they loved my gift.</p>
<p>
My mother can be incredibly difficult, more to me than anyone else because I’m close and my sister is not. When my niece was growing up, my mom was much younger and in fine health, so niece got the energetic, fun grandparent. My mother and sister have their conflicts, as we all do, but I can say with completely clear conscience that my mother has always been great with my niece. My sister let her run wild from the time she came home from the hospital because my sister really thought there was a bonding deficit. My mother provided more stability and rules. Unfortunately, there came a time when my niece wasn’t interested in being held to any standards or being told no by anyone. My mother also reached a point at which she wasn’t interested in having a granddaughter pull a knife on her daughter. I’m not kidding when I say that there has always been something missing with my niece. That’s the best way I can articulate it. She just doesn’t love, appreciate, enjoy, value anything and she has always been that way.</p>
<p>Jym, the shower is in August and the wedding in October. The shower invitations are supposed to come out next week. I know we’re not going to that because if I go my mom would go and my sister is adamant that her presence would ruin the shower because she might be in a wheelchair or need oxygen. (Some days are better than others) My sister has asked me to come up with reasons for my mother not to come and to sugarcoat the fact that she’s invited but not welcome.</p>
<p>If my mother does want to go the younger brother and I will take her and, hopefully, we’ll only go to the ceremony. I’m not sure my sister would tell anyone else how much the wedding is costing because they don’t need the money, I think it’s a way of controlling the family, if that makes any sense. To tell us exactly what the gift should be.</p>
<p>“My sister has asked me to come up with reasons for my mother not to come and to sugarcoat the fact that she’s invited but not welcome.”</p>
<p>ABSOLUTELY NOT.</p>
<p>OK, to be nicer … I hope that you won’t do this. Again, your sister is triangulating and is trying to get you to do her dirty work. Your sister’s relationship with her mother is HER problem and doesn’t involve you at all. I’m sure it seems that way, because you’ll always being pulled into it, but it’s time to just stop that whole dynamic. Your sister won’t change until she has to, and she won’t have to until you change the way you interact with her.</p>