<p>I grew up in New Canaan, CT, which I gather is around where you live. I NEVER heard of this idea of matching the value of the gift to the cost of the wedding until I lived and worked in NJ as a young adult. For that matter, the idea of giving money at all was completely out of the question. Wedding gifts were things like candlesticks, china, table linens, or silver. The only person who might give money would be an elderly relative who couldn’t easily go shopping. I remember going to see The Godfather when it came out with a friend–I think we were in HS–and we simply could not figure out what was going on at the wedding with the envelopes. Why were people giving the bride envelopes? Totally puzzling!</p>
<p>I think this “cover the plate” idea, as well as the idea that giving money is acceptable, is something that has spread out of New York in recent decades. :)</p>
<p>PS, ITA with Youdon’tsay above. Time to step out of the triangle. Let your sister do her own dirty work. (I still cannot believe that a sane adult thinks that having a grandmother who may be in a wheelchair or on oxygen at a shower will “ruin” it. A decent person would instead think it wonderful that she was able to be there at all.)</p>
<p>" The shower invitations are supposed to come out next week. I know we’re not going to that because if I go my mom would go and my sister is adamant that her presence would ruin the shower because she might be in a wheelchair or need oxygen. (Some days are better than others) My sister has asked me to come up with reasons for my mother not to come and to sugarcoat the fact that she’s invited but not welcome."</p>
<p>Are you kidding me? What is wrong with these people? Do the words empathy, tolerance, or compassion ring any bells? And the bride and groom and getting married in a church? What’s the name of this church… Our Lady of the Coldhearted and Compassionless? They should be ashamed of themselves. It is clear that this bride has been running the show since she was born and her parents have let her. This girl and her psychological problems should have been dealt with years ago. This is monster her parents own creation and you should have no problem letting your sister deal with her own mess when it comes to “uninviting” your sick mother to the shower. After reading this, I NEED a shower.</p>
<p>My own mother passed away when my oldest daughter, who will also be getting married this fall, was 7 years old. Most of the memories she has of her grandmother are of hospital rooms, wheelchairs and oxygen tanks. My daughter would give her right arm to have her grandmother by her side as she celebrates this joyous occasion. And my 90 year-old father, who needs a wheelchair at times for mobility and who suffers from dementia will be in attendance. Yes, we will have to keep a special eye on him and offer assistance throughout the day, but our family wouldn’t have it any other way. We love him and want him to be with us as we celebrate this family milestone.</p>
<p>I guess I am speechless at how you could be “close” to anyone who feels this way about you. I really have no words…</p>
<p>I don’t have any advice because I think which ever way you go, you are kind of in a lose lose situation. I do wish you would call out the absurdity of the insistence that your mother’s disability would “ruin” a shower or be an embarrassment at the wedding.</p>
<p>I have never met anyone who behaves this horribly, and I cannot imagine standing for it under any circumstances. I do wish you luck and that whatever you decide to do, you feel at peace with it.</p>
Oh zoosermom, please tell her you’re not going to participate in any of this. How awful. Does your mom know all this? Why would any of you want to go anywhere near these people?</p>
<p>I agree with the crowd, don’t do her dirty work. She has plans for the perfect shower, she needs to talk to Mom about them herself. You can tell her it would just be smarter for it to come firsthand so you don’t make any mistakes in representing her views!</p>
I am not going to participate. When my sister asked this of me, I sat my mom down and told her. Believe it or not, she was relieved to not have to go.</p>
<p>
I would like to never see my niece again. My sister, on the other hand, does have some good qualities except when it comes to her daughter. She is so completely bullied, threatened and controlled by my niece that she’s a different person in connection with anything related to my niece.</p>
<p>If you never want to see your niece again – which I totally understand – then I think this is simple: don’t go to the wedding. If you’re worried about hurting your sister’s feelings, just be honest and say it has nothing to do with her, it’s her daughter who is the problem. If your sister is bothered by that, isn’t that her problem?</p>
<p>I don’t really understand the part about your sister having good qualities, though, aside from things having to do with her daughter. What about the thing where your sister would rather have ten dollars and you have zero, as opposed to her having 10 million and you having five million? What does that have to do with her daughter? It sounds to me as if your sister and your niece are both not very nice people, to say the least.</p>
<p>It sounds like the sister/niece want to send shower (and wedding) invitations to you and your mother, zm, but with the assurance that your mother, at least, will not show up! I suspect that they do not want to reveal to someone - maybe the groom or his family? - that your mother and your family are not wanted. I would not make it easy for them. Let them send the invitations and worry about whether they will be accepted or not, or not sent them and look bad in front of someone. Don’t make it easy for them. (But don’t go.)</p>
You’re absolutely right and very astute. My husand agrees with you completely. He doesn’t think my sister has any redeeming qualities. As for me, it’s hard to cut ties. She really is the person who was my day-to-day caregiver as a child and we have almost no extended family. I have a brother who lives about 12 hours away, but he is much older, too, and wasn’t involved in my childhood. I barely know him. No aunts, uncles, cousins with whom I am personally acquainted.</p>
<p>ZM, if you want to keep a relationship with your sister, then by all means do so. However, uncouple it from this wedding. Don’t go. And if, by not going, you “ruin” your relationship with your sister - well, it wasn’t much of one anyway, now, was it?</p>
<p>(((hugs))) to zmom. I’ve been trying to be gentle (yes, those earlier posts are my version of gentle, lol). I can see that you want to be close to your sister. With your mom ill, I’m sure the thought of losing this whole part of your life feels very real. But you already have a great family, the one you’re making with your dh and the kids.</p>
<p>I love my kids so dearly, that I feel compelled to protect them from my sister, but I don’t make excuses. When we’re all together for the holiday, and she doesn’t give gifts to my kids, I don’t come up with reasons. In fact, I warn them ahead of time that I have no idea whether she’ll give them any so just be prepared and don’t worry about it. I don’t give them any of the history of why she thinks withholding presents from a 13yo will somehow make up for years of her perceived slights, but I don’t make up excuses either. It is what it is. I can’t change it. I’ve certainly, at dh’s urging, remained civil. In fact, three years ago, the four of us went to my goddaugther’s new school (sister’s dd) to paint and get it ready for the opening. My sister showed up for some of the time, her dh didn’t (thankfully, as I really can’t stand him) and her ds didn’t, a boy with whom I have almost no relationhip. But here we were, drove three hours to get there and help HER in an attempt to salvage a relationship apart from my sister. I feel good about that, that my niece knows that we support her, regardless of what her mom might say. Now, after we left, no telling what stories my sister spun. But no one can say I didn’t try. I am sad in a way thinking of how when my parents die I’ll have almost no contact with my sister, but I barely have any now. And yet, I have a great relationship with my brother and parents and my own family here.</p>
<p>Just like in an airplane, take care of yourself first.</p>
<p>Like zm, I believe that it is best to keep up family relationships, even if the relative in question is far from perfect. But it’s important not to stand for any mistreatment.</p>
<p>Yea, I’ve heard of folks who are invited to “showers” but not the main event–perhaps a gift card for a McDonald’s soda with a polite decline? Bride/niecezilla sounds pretty amazing!</p>
<p>OK, I’ve changed my mind. All along I’ve thought zm should go to the ceremony so she could share in her sister’s joy and maintain the relationship. But, not anymore. Way too much dysfunction and manipulation going on.</p>
<p>Don’t go. Decline the invitation to the shower and the wedding. The shower is easy, just say you’re busy. </p>
<p>For the wedding, reply “I am touched to receive your invitation. Thank you for including us. However, after weeks of reflection, it occurred to me that my absence may be the best way I could increase your wedding day joy. Therefore, H and I are declining your kind gesture. We send you our sincerest best wishes for a lifetime of love and happiness together.” </p>
<p>Let your sister know ahead of time that you’re declining, and why. And keep a photocopy your completed rsvp card. With this bridezilla, I wouldn’t be surprised if a reply of “thanks and best wishes” is recreated as a plain, heartless “no.”</p>
<p>ZM, I wish I had time to read all the posts —!!! but graduation is tomorrow and I don’t. So… </p>
<p>I have never been to a Cath wedding that had incense (and I am Cath) but you never know. Some priests are hams & the more they can fool around with glittery stuff, they happier they are.</p>
<p>If incense at anything would pose a problem for anyone, call the church in advance and ask if they use it in that parish! It is sometimes used at funerals, too. My sister has terrible asthma and we are not shy about asking in advance about these things. </p>
<p>As to the rest, when the invitation comes, you have another commitment. Period.</p>