<p>Son is doing a once in a lifetime study away semester now and is almost two weeks in. Just received my phone bill and am very disappointed to see that he is spending a significant amount of time texting back and forth with his summer love interest. It looks like these texting marathons go on for 4-6 hours at a time. And they are generally at night when he should be doing things with the new people he’s met and exploring his new city. The girl he is texting is in a new situation too, in another city. But this isn’t a recent thing; I’d say they’ve been doing this for 6 months.</p>
<p>I’m tempted to say something to him but my instinct is to stay out of it and hope that it runs its course. It may or it may not. I’m just afraid (after huge financial investment to do this) he’s going to shut himself off from all of these new experiences and regret it when he looks back upon it. And all for a girl he doesn’t even consider his girlfriend (although I think he’d like her to be).</p>
<p>I wouldn’t say anything about the romance. What you could say something about is the phone bill. If all of this texting/calling is adding to your bill, then you can refuse to pay it, or pay it this time and tell him you aren’t paying any overages in the future. That way he needs to learn how to stay within his budgeted minutes and that in turn frees up time for other things.</p>
<p>Similar experience. S2 spent a summer term in New Zealand. When it was over, I was hoping he’d spend several weeks traveling through the country and/or the South Pacific. Instead, he hightailed it back to his college town to be with his GF, who dumped him two weeks later. </p>
<p>That said, I have no advice. It’s his life. If he doesn’t want to meet other people, you – from thousands of miles away – can’t force him. You can suggest it, but he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do. Years from now, he’ll regret his choice.</p>
<p>I think there’s a fine line between saying something and intervening/interfering. I would say something to the effect that he’s been given a once in a lifetime chance and that this is a perfect opportunity to immerse himself in a new culture, experience new friends and that when he’s older looking at the chapters of his life he doesn’t regret not taking advantage of these current opportunities as they might not happen again.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t mention the texting but more what you’re afraid will happen. Just saying this once to him might satisfy your need to ‘interfere’ without truly being annoying. This is how I deal with my son and it has been somewhat successful as long as I don’t go out of my way to control his situation and use it to point out things he may not even think about.</p>
<p>Do you know for sure that he isn’t still out with these new people and texting while they are doing stuff? Chances are these other people are doing the same thing while still interacting. I guess I would maybe text him and ask what he has been doing in the evenings in a casual, just wanting to know what you are doing type way “hey, how’s the trip, what fun thing did you do last night” type text :D.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t say anything. I love my dad dearly, but the maddest I ever got at him was when he told me he expected me to not date my BF any more since he was going to school across the country. Of course, my dad was right, but at that age you don’t want to hear it!</p>
<p>I’ve been around teenagers enough to see that they somehow continue a texting conversation even while having a “meaningful” time with present company. I’m ashamed to say that even as an adult, I’ve texted friends while with other people or my family. I think you should ask him separately, how is he connecting with the other people in this program And does he still feel close to his girlfriend. I don’t have sons so maybe the second question should be rephrased.</p>
<p>I completely agree with your concerns. However, I think there is a huge shift in how young people communicate. Many of those texts may just be one word answers and I’ve had several conversations with my 18 yr old about the log of texts look like a constant barrage of interruptions or the late times she is still texting into the night. I think the log of times and frequency always look more alarming. Remember just because they received a text does not mean they looked at it right away. Look to see the time between when they received and then replied. He is probably doing many other things at the same time. Just, my 2 cents!</p>
<p>SteveMA – I think he does go out occassionally. However I suspect, like you said, he’s texting her while he is out. I know I’m showing my age but I just can’t understand how kids can live in the moment all while they are glued to their phones. It doesn’t compute for me.</p>
<p>Call me the bad, intrusive mom, but if I had paid big bucks for my student to participate in a study abroad program and they were spending 4-6 hours a day involved in something that caused them to miss out on the experience I’d be ticked. I’d have no problem telling him if the excessive texting (or whatever distraction) didn’t stop that he would be responsible for 25% of the cost of the program (6/24). These programs are expensive and we want our kids to have the opportunity to experience all they have to offer. No, we can’t force them to take part in everything, however when they are willfully ‘checking out’ for a good portion of it a parent can feel taken advantage of. I disagree that someone can be fully engaged with the people they are with while carrying on a text conversation. If the student can dial it back to an hour a day, I’d be less likely to feel so much time is wasted. Again, it’s just my perspective and probably due to the fact that any study abroad would come at a great sacrifice for the whole family. </p>
<p>Good luck. I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to navigate this that works for your family.</p>
<p>If it is costing you money, then cut it off. If he pays all his own bills, then I would let it go. Maybe mention you are concerned. But, if you are footing the bill, then I would say no more. It is dumb to pay a lot of money for a person to go on a program like this, only to have them have their mind stuck back with the person they are texting with, and not focusing on the program. If he does not like your rules, then he should pay for it himself.</p>
<p>As others have said, the younger generation is very comfortable carrying on a text conversaton while being out with others. Unless your S has told you that he’s doing nothing but sitting in his room night after night texting, I wouldn’t assume that. </p>
<p>I would stay out of it. What would you say to him? Stop texting with her? What are the chances that he’d alter his behavior accordingly? My guess is slim to none.</p>
<p>Ask him if he’s making friends and getting out but otherwise stay out of it. Feeling that his mother is constantly looking over his shoulder from thousands of miles away certainly does not contribute to cultural immersion, either.</p>
<p>I think it should be an issue of cost rather than anything else. Otherwise MYOB. S2 was in Europe this summer for 10 days. His GF was also in Europe in another country during that time, and we were there for part of the time. We pay for the phone service. We turned on our international roaming/data/texting service, but it’s still more expensive. We told him to confine himself to texting GF. Phone calls were for emergencies with us or when he could skype with wifi. I also told him to make sure each text counted (no “k” responses). This was not like unlimited texting they had at home.</p>
<p>Of course, this was on a much smaller scale that OPs situation, but I think the principle is the same.</p>
<p>I think I will say something very short and sweet. But I won’t “lay down the law” or cut anything off. I’ve seen too many times when parents try and force their will upon their kids and it drives the kids in the opposite direction. Then the kids end up with life long resentment toward the parent.</p>
<p>Here’s what I’m thinking I’m going to say:</p>
<p>“After receiving the last phone bill, it looks like you and XXXX are texting each other quite a bit. I’m glad that you two are staying in touch. But I just want to remind you that this is a once in lifetime chance to get to know some very interesting people and one of the world’s most incredible cities. I would hate for you to look back on this later and, after spending all of this money, regret you did not fully immerse yourself.” </p>
<p>Then I won’t say anything more but he’ll still know that I’ll see the phone bills.</p>
<p>Add me to the " not say anything" camp.
He hasnt been in this new country for even two weeks, he has unlimited texts so he doesn’t have to worry about cost, and the communication seems to be helping him transition.</p>
<p>Kids don’t always make the same choices their parents would given their years of experience, but making their own choices earns them more experience than if their parents were making the decisions for them.</p>
<p>I would just ask open ended questions about his trip, it might make you feel better.</p>
<p>Agree with emeraldkity on this. Keep communication open by asking about his experiences and if he’s met people and done stuff with them, etc. I would not even touch on the texting thing—I have never, ever known this sort of, (even mild and “short and sweet” as you plan ) suggestion to be well-received or productive. </p>
<p>Yikes! I’m feeling so wishy washy about this. Maybe I won’t say anything after all. The worst thing would be for him to feel like I’m spying on him. And that I’ll see every text he sends. He’ll just resent me for that. Maybe zipping my lip is best.</p>
<p>cbug, I think the words you practiced in Post #16 are fine. Non-intrusive, nonjudgmental, very pleasant, focused on what you think he should do, not what you don’t want him to do.</p>