<p>I’m moving forward to another point in my life and I’m trying to tie up some loose ends, so to speak. There is one particular friendship that I have been thinking about, the other party(Call her W) has made an offer of sorts to renew our friendship and I want some advice whether I should renew the friendship.
Why the friendship ended:
I’m not religious, and this is a point I make very clear to anyone who is becoming a close friend of mine. I tell them that I don’t tolerate preaching. I don’t particularly care what religion they follow as their personal faith as long as they don’t try to change my stance. As a policy, it’s worked great–my best friends are Catholic, Christian, Hindu, and Jewish. I ended my friendship with W because she repeatedly tried to convert me because I was apparently a heathen for following no religion–and specifically: I was going to Hell because I did not believe in Jesus Christ. In our last conversation (via phone) I told her to stop with her “you are going to Hell” speech if she wanted us to remain friends. She didn’t stop. I ended the friendship.
Summary of my position:
As of right now, we don’t communicate anymore and haven’t communicated besides the one time she reached out to me to offer to renew our friendship. Personally I no longer want to be her friend but other mutual friends have been telling me that there is too much history between us to just let things end this way. I could care less for the history we had because she crossed a line on something that matters to me a great deal.
My question then is should I renew the friendship out of politeness–or make an effort to make things “end” on a better note?</p>
<p>You said it yourself–you don’t really want to be friends with her. So don’t be. It is really none of your mutual friends’ business. Especially after this person was so disrespectful towards you.</p>
<p>Do you miss her? If you don’t, then don’t renew the friendship. At the end of day, a friend is to add something to your life. If she is nothing but a hassle to you, why would you have her in your life. She is not your family, you do not owe anything to her.</p>
<p>I had a friend in HS who always had a problem (drama) in her life. Our conversation always revolved around her problem(s). She was such a drain to me emotionally that I dreaded to see her. Someone very wise told me that friendship was suppose to make us feel good about ourselves, if I always felt bad whenever I am around someone then it’s a toxic relationship. I did tell my friend to stop dumping her problem(s) on me. After that, I had no problem in telling my friends to turn their “frown upside down.”</p>
<p>What if she said something like this? </p>
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<p>If this type of message would bring you to reconsider, then give her a chance and see if she wants to try to make amends.</p>
<p>If this type of message would not bring you to reconsider, then move on.</p>
<p>I could have wriiten this post as I had an old friend who pulled the same stuff with me ( and a lot of our mutual friends ) I tried a couple of times over the years to reconnect , but the truth is she said some really hurtful things to my best friend when her mother died of cancer when our 20 yr olds were babies .
The bottom line is that she is still heavily involved with the CULT that divided us yrs ago.
I don’t see that we have much in common and am fine with the distance that has been there for so long…
I don’t like to hear that her religeon is superior to anyone elses and that they have a monopoly on heaven
Unless your friend has changed her stance, it isn’t likely that you can re-establish the friendship that was once there</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like you miss her friendship, so move on.</p>
<p>If this were Facebook I’d ask you to be my friend. I’m good at secular humanism and could try to convert W for you… </p>
<p>Forget W- she probably feels she needs to try to convert you before she dies- something nagging her that she failed to do so earlier… You don’t need to tie up HER loose ends.</p>
<p>Some religions do more than encourage their members to evangelize, but require it for good standing. She may not be able to back off without feeling disloyal to her church. Sometimes after many years, those same people realize that they can be friends with someone who doesn’t need to hear “the message” yet again.<br>
Would it satisfy your mutual friends if, instead of writing W off forever, you both agree to a 5 (or 10, or whatever) year sabatical where you don’t have contact but you agree that you still have a friendship?</p>
<p>I agree with the others on this- sounds like you don’t need her and aren’t missing her. On the other hand, you could just see how it goes and take it from there. Having coffee is not a commitment, you needn’t officially become friends nor break off friends. You can play it by ear.</p>
<p>As an aside, where do you live? I ask because I’m not religious too, and I have friends of a huge variety of ethnic and religious backgrounds. But it would never occur to me to tell my friends I don’t like preaching but also, I would never expect they would (nor have ever experienced in my life, which is why it would never occur to me to mention it). It just has never come up. It seems most unusual to my experience, but I wonder if in some neck of the woods this is a normal occurrence so one has to create overt boundaries or something.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a good idea to remain with someone- whether friends or romantic- due to opinion of friends. Similarly, I wouldn’t dump someone because of friends’ opinions either.
Your wording tells us that former friend crossed the line. They didn’t treat you the way you wanted, and the way you feel you deserved. You don’t have to wish ill will upon this person, but it’s ok to move on to someone else that will treat you better.</p>
<p>Consistent, repeating opinions answering your posts here about those who treat us well, and those who don’t.</p>
<p>Here’s my gut response.</p>
<p>I think you don’t want to maintain a friendship with her, but because of your moral fiber you feel guilty turning your back on her since she sought you out to renew the friendship.</p>
<p>You state you have mutual friends. Why not have a girls night out and go as a group with the mutual friends and include her. You can be kind and polite, but that doesn’t mean there is a friendship, it just means you are doing this as a group socially. Who knows, maybe she has changed, maybe she hasn’t, but it is a way to meet everyone’s needs.</p>
<p>IMHO, I think you are questioning this because of the mutual friends more than her, and it is your character to want to be a good friend to them, which means making them not feel uncomfortable. Your good friends will see that you are the best friend they could ever have because you care about them more then yourself. That type of friend is to be held onto.</p>
<p>@starbright: I live in southern California. The policy of not preaching came about amongst my friends, especially with me, mainly because we were such an electic group that we put a hold on discussions about religion so that none of us would be offended unintentionally. One of my personal pet peeves is when people tell me about event XYZ in my life: “maybe it was God’s will” or some variation of that. I think believe that’s an offensive thing to say, especially to someone who is not religious. I’m not just not religious though, I consider my self an atheist. That tends to bug people because for some reason, those who are religious find it a bit easier to accept that someone could believe a different god but to not believe in any higher power at all–blasphemy. That’s been my personal experience.</p>
<p>@bulletandpim: You hit the issue dead on, I don’t want my friends to feel like they have to choose sides on this issue or for this break between us to affect their friendships. Although most them have already chosen a side, the few that haven’t are the ones pestering me to reconsider. That’s why a group outing hasn’t worked because the group is already split. I’ve told all of the mutual friends that I don’t care if they maintain their relationship with W because it’s none of my business. I only care about our friendships. I don’t want to seem obstinate about this but W really crossed the line and I don’t want to be her friend anymore–I just don’t know how to convey this to the few who are hoping things will get better.</p>
<p>I feel I have to point out that this friend cares enough about you to try to rescue you from eternal damnation. Your other “religious” friends, apparently, don’t.</p>
<p>Just as an analogy to think about–what if you had one friend who was always nagging you to lose weight, to exercise more, to go see the doctor, etc., because she was genuinely concerned about your health? At what point would that kind of attention cross the line? If you put yourself in W’s shoes, this is how she is thinking about you.</p>
<p>I agree that it is annoying when friends try to convert you to their religion. Such people are more acquaintances than friends, even if they are friends with others with whom I might spend time. I would prefer not to spend my time with people who are constantly trying to change my mind, whether that be about politics, religion, whatever. That said, I quote:</p>
<p>‘One of my personal pet peeves is when people tell me about event XYZ in my life: “maybe it was God’s will” or some variation of that. I think believe that’s an offensive thing to say’</p>
<p>It seems to me the lady doth protest too much… You offend very easily, is that what you consider to be trying to convert you? Wow… What if they said, “I guess it was meant to be?” </p>
<p>Of course you should not bother to renew the friendship.</p>
<p>@Hunt: Nagging me about changing my health habits is different than believing I will suffer “eternal damnation”. Also the concept of “eternal damnation” doesn’t extend to all religions. With all do respect to your beliefs, I don’t need anyone to save me from “eternal damnation” because I don’t believe in the concept. </p>
<p>@sopranomom92: It offends me but I don’t view that as an attempt to convert me. When I said she tried to convert me, it was more along the lines “It’s wrong and sinful to not believe in Jesus Christ/You should believe in God or you will go to Hell/Thank God for everything that’s good in your life/If anything bad happens to you, it’s because you are a sinner”
Some people may call me proud but I believe that my achievements are mine through my efforts and fortitude and sometime luck–not something “granted by God”</p>
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<p>I get your issue because I get very offended as a Catholic when people will say in public forums anything about JC, our savior. My MIL is jewish, and I always see how that one comment is offensive to her. She doesn’t mind the JC, MY savior, but the OUR bothers her. I get it, because he is not her savior and it feels as if people forget that not everyone holds the same beliefs.</p>
<p>People need to understand there are others out there who do not hold your same religious beliefs. To a jew to say JC, my Lord, my savior is just as offensive as a jew saying to a christian they are still waiting for the messiah. Add in the aetheist, muslim, hindu, etc. and we all now understand why our parents said never discuss religion. </p>
<p>Now on the flip side, if someone says to you God’s will comments, don’t take the leap they are pushing their religion, to them it is the same as saying that’s fate. I say God’s will all the time. but now you have made me realize I should change that to It’s fate.</p>
<p>I am very cognizant of religion, I even make sure that I just say Bless when somebody sneezes. I also never say Merry Christmas first, but I always do say Happy Holidays. It takes 2 to tango, and you may be an aetheist, but please also realize that for religious people we are not trying to force religion down your throat, it is as inherent to our nature believing in a higher power as it is inherent in your nature believing that one does not exist.</p>
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Right. In W’s mind, the latter is much more important.
Who said anything about my beliefs? I’m just trying to get you to see this from W’s point of view. If you don’t want to do that, then certainly you shouldn’t continue the friendship.</p>
<p>It sounds like you and your no-longer-friend have different values and different beliefs. If you can be friends without highlighting those things, fine. I have a friend who is very religious, and we have pretty much agreed to stay away from that subject. She once pointed out to me that you can’t get any more “old friends” than you already have, and since she and I have known each other since 7th grade, I continue to stay in touch with her (sporadically) but choose to overlook our differences.</p>
<p>On the other hand, for some people who are extremely religious, they feel it is their moral obligation to bring you 'round to their point of view. If she overdoes it, and if this makes you uncomfortable, you have no obligation to her.</p>
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<p>That would be annoying to me too! Unfortunately, it hasn’t happened to me. And I say unfortunate because I think I would get a genuine kick of having a debate about this one (as well as similar trite phrases said without thought). With this one I’d way to reach over, tug on their hair and then say “oop, sorry, must have been god’s will” 
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<p>But is it preaching or trying to convert you? Maybe this isn’t a good example of what you mean. This one seems more like a mere expression or reflection of the faith, or particular belief system, not an attempt to convert you over. As someone’s perspective on the world, I’d see it as an opportunity to say something like, “what on earth do you mean by that?” and use it as the basis for learning something (how a particular religion views the world) and having the chance to educate someone else (about how I see things differently). Agree to disagree but learn in the process. </p>
<p>I honestly think it would be difficult to have real relationships with people of different faiths or cultures if you really don’t want to hear or see those differences. </p>
<p>I’m surrounded by a diverse group of faiths and nationalities, as are my kids. I’d say I’m agnostic, my kids claim to be atheists. Our friends are muslim, hindu, sikh, jewish, b’hai, christian. They have great debates at lunch hour! More often between the kids going to a more conservative Christian church, and the atheists. Nevertheless I think it’s very healthy, educational and intellectual (and no one is getting converted). But they, and we adults, enjoy the differences and it enriches our lives. </p>
<p>But it is not for everyone. And not everyone has the wherewithall to be respectful in such discussions (maybe easiest for agnostics who don’t have a lot of commitment to any one belief system, so they don’t have the same defensiveness…now politics is another matter!). I think though, if the differences became a source of conflict or discomfort, you just have to gravitate to more similar others.</p>
<p>@starbright: I clarified in a later post that the phrases were merely a pet peeve, not purposeful attempts to convert me. The truth is most of my friends are religious, a few are very devout as is their family. I don’t have a problem with them at all–actually I’ve done Bible/Koran/Torah study sessions with them for the sake of knowledge. We even had an epic lunch discussion over the concept of “original sin” with respect to different religions and historical periods. The line not to cross for me is to tell me/force upon me the idea that I will suffer because I simply refuse to worship a god. What really gets to me is when people tell me that I should thank God/gods for everything I have or I achieve. I don’t appreciate having my hard work or the hard work of my parents attributed to some deity that we do not believe in. Neither do I believe that I have complete control over everything in my life–I recognize that events around the world could affect me–but that’s not a “work of God/God’s will”. I admit I’m more sensitive to those remarks because having seen how hard my parents worked to make a life for themselves and a future for me after moving to America, and even before then–I hate people not getting credit for their efforts. Similarly, I equally dislike those who use God as an excuse to explain away/justify failures.</p>