Should I speak up, or respect DD's request to stay quiet?

[Lafalum84]

<p>Oh wise CC parents, I come seeking advice.</p>

<p>DD is a hs frosh. She’s had the same BF for 6 months. Lately she’s been really worried about him, she believes he is depressed. I’m not sure if this is teen drama or something more. She seems quite concerned that he may hurt himself. She has tried to get him to talk to his parents, BF told her he talked to his dad but D’s not sure if he just said that to appease her. She seems to be the only friend he really talks to. He has picked a few dumb arguments with her lately, I think he’s either testing her to see if she really cares, or doing the male thing of lashing out in anger (as opposed to women, who tend to get weepy when depressed, men tend to become hostile). </p>

<p>The freshmen discuss depression in health so both DD and BF are aware of the condition and symptoms. Our hs is pretty competitive and per the Principal we have about a half-dozen students on home instruction or hospitalized due to emotional/depression issues. A nearby hs has had 4 suicides in the past few years, and when our health teacher showed parents the results of an anonymous “risk assessment” survey our students took, I was shocked that 10% said they had seriously considered committing suicide.</p>

<p>I have told DD that this is too much for a 15 year old to handle, and she can’t be responsible for BF. I have urged her to speak to his parents but she is concerned about what she would say, and says BF would be VERY angry if she did that. I offered to speak to them but she said no, if anyone it going to talk to them it should be her. I should add that BF’s parents think DD is wonderful. They are very nice people but I’m not sure if they’re really in tune with their son (especially his mom). </p>

<p>My question: do I ignore DD’s request, and speak to BF’s parents myself? I work in the high school (clerical, not a teacher) - should I talk to guidance? If I talk to his parents and BF finds out, he’ll know DD talked to me and he’ll be furious. I’m not concerned that he would be violent, just that DD would think I betrayed her and she might not talk to me about important things again. But if BF does hurt himself, I’ll feel horribly guilty. If he were my child, I’d want to know (I hope I would know anyway because I really try to stay tune with my kids.)</p>

<p>Help!</p>

[bookiemom]

<p>I think you should arrange a confidential meeting with the BF’s high school counselor and the principal. Request confidentiality, share these concerns, and let them contact the parents. They don’t have to say who brought them the concerns. That way you have placed the issue with the appropriate professionals as well as protecting your D’s confidences.</p>

<p>It is hard to know where true problems end and teen drama begins, though.</p>

[A.S.A.P]

<p>This is a tough situation.</p>

<p>You mentioned the guidance office at school. It seems to me that this is a legitimate concern that the school nurse, psychologist, or whoever handles student affairs should know about. I know my kids HS had a procedure in place - a committee that a parent or student could go to for help if there was a concern about another student. I think I would call the school - maybe the VP and ask who the appropriate person to talk with would be. You could ask that they keep the conversation confidential. I would be surprised if there weren’t some avenue set up for this type of thing, especially with what has been happening in your area.</p>

<p>Good luck to you. This is obviously hurting your daughter a great deal, too. Remember that she is also a victim here, and needs a lot of TLC, as she may be having a much harder time with this than she’s letting on. keep your communication open, but don’t mention anything about your contacting the school. </p>

<p>I would not go to the parents yourself about this if I were you, unless you knew that he was in immediate danger. Let the school handle it. Tell them, and then follow up with them and make sure they have talked to the boy and/or his parents.</p>

<p>edit: I see the poster above has a similar thought i did. Good. I’m not alone.</p>

[A.S.A.P]

<p>One more thing. I would be concerned about how much time my daughter was spending with a boyfriend who was having emotional problems, and be especially careful that she is safe. Even though they are close friends, she shouldn’t have to tolerate any verbal anger from him, or anything approaching abuse. Keep your eyes and ears open.</p>

[berurah]

<p>Lafalum84~</p>

<p>First of all, sweetie, {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you and most especially, to your young daughter. A high school freshman? <em>sigh</em> This situation is <em>WAY</em> too much for such a young girl to handle on her own.</p>

<p>To be honest with you, I would be very, very concerned about this situation all the way around. I <em>DO</em> understand your dilemma…you want to preserve the trust your daughter has in you while at the same time keeping the best interests of both your D and her BF at the forefront. And it appears that in this situation, you may not be able to do both things to everyone’s satisfaction.</p>

<p>My rule in cases such as this is and has always been to act according to my best judgment…also, the path of fewest regrets. </p>

<p>My first inclination would be to have a long and candid discussion with my daughter. I would explain that I was not happy with the situation as is and would present several options to her. I would most likely explain to her that I could not be supportive of the continuing relationship given the young man’s current emotional condition and that I had serious concerns for both his emotional well-being <em>and</em> hers.</p>

<p>I think that the young man’s situation should be brought to the attention of his parents. I do not think that this should be done by your daughter for several reasons. First of all, she is much too young to be put in this position or to take the responsibility for relaying information about something that may turn out to be a serious thing. Secondly, if this information is brought by an adult, it is more likely to be heeded and not dismissed as h.s. drama. Also, if YOU bring your concerns to the parents, the ball will be out of your court, so to speak, and you will not have to live with regrets should this young man’s emotional condition continue to deteriorate.</p>

<p>I would not, however, go behind your D’s back to do this. I would be up front with her about your concerns and let her know that as an adult (and as a parent), you are not comfortable letting this situation go without your intervention. Your daughter may (and most likely WILL) have objections, but the fact remains that you are the adult and YOU have the maturity and life experience to know how serious a condition depression really is. As long as you don’t lie to your D or go behind her back, IMHO she will eventually get over it. </p>

<p>Please know that you are RIGHT to be concerned about this and that if you have legitimate concerns about this young man, you ARE doing the right thing by approaching his parents with your concern. Better you should intervene and it turns out to be nothing serious than you NOT intervene and something horrible happens down the line.</p>

<p>I personally would not go to Guidance first. IMHO, the parents have the right to be the first ones to whom concerns are brought. Your approaching a counselor at school holds the possibility of setting into motion some social service intervention that can bring a family unnecessary risk, at least if the family is a concerned and responsive one.</p>

<p>I wish you all the best. I know this is not an easy thing to deal with, so once again, I urge you to act according to your best judgment. Intuition can be a powerful tool.</p>

<p>Keep us posted, and my thoughts will be with you and yours. </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

[citygirlsmom]

<p>I would add that I would have D talk to counselor, about her friend and for herself…</p>

<p>It is excellent she is sharing this with you, but maybe a 3rd party can support her and even if no one ever says to the BF who had the concerns, he may guess, and it sounds like there could be some “fallout”- which is normal if he does have issues</p>

<p>My D talked to a GC about a girl who was cutting…she was a friend and she got really mad at the girls around her…but she DID need help and the girls that were concerned felt they had no choice… a friend who creates distance after that is better than a dead friend</p>

<p>Also, if the BF is depressed having a fulltime GF may not be possible </p>

<p>As well, D needs to know she can’t “fix” him, she can be there, but she needs to realize if he is going through stuff he may indeed push her away- out of embarassment, fear, anger…</p>

<p>Mom, you do need to say something as suggested above, but be sure D talks to someone as well, nothing major, but someone that can say she and you are doing the right thing by sharing what you know and so she won’t be mad at mom or the school or whoever if BF reacts…</p>

<p>Sometimes we as parents just have to “go over” our kids heads…we may see the bigger picture</p>

<p>I agree with beh…I wouldn’t go behind Ds back…and I would be concerned about her emotional and physical well being…</p>

[A.S.A.P]

<p>'well, there you go. Another mom, and another viewpoint.</p>

<p>You know your school’s setup, your relationship with the parents, the boy, etc. better than we do. You should listen to your gut here , and do what feels right. </p>

<p>All the best.</p>

[berurah]

<p>

@A.S.A.P.

I would not go to the parents yourself about this if I were you, unless you knew that he was in immediate danger. Let the school handle it.

In my post above, I said that I would approach the parents before going to a guidance counselor at the school. This was based on the OP’s description of her D’s relationship as a 6-month one in which the parents think highly of the OP’s daughter (and presumably her parents). If I were the parent, I would want the information brought directly to me instead of sent through an entity that would be less inclined to deal with the specifics of the situation and more likely to respond in a rote (and perhaps overreactive) manner based on statistics. I can, however, envision situations where it would be more appropriate to have an objective third party intervene. I myself have little faith in social services–in fact, most of them scare the tar out of me. As a parent, I’d like a fair chance to respond first, and I’d feel betrayed (and extremely defensive) if I felt that someone I trusted utilized that as a first choice option. In fact, it would make me more prone to denying any serious issues out of fear.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

[citygirlsmom]

<p>Once my other D had a friend with a Bf who was a real difficult person- he had lots of issues, wanted them to run away together, etc…at first it was just a bit of teen drama, but the situation got worse…the girl would talk about how depressed he was, so it was no secret, but she got herself sucked into his “stuff” and he would get angry and fight with her and then she would end up apologizing over and over…it was a get back together, break up and she was losing herself in his issues…one of those “love too much” scenes</p>

<p>I don’t think your D is in that place, but it doesn’t take long for a situation to get “weird” for lack of a better phrase this late…my Ds friend was jerked around by this guy like a yoyo…and it started with those stupid for no reason fights</p>

<p>So just be aware, i know you are clued into what is going on…but you know teens…</p>

[citygirlsmom]

<p>whether its the school or the parents, talk to D and tell you need to say something, what does she think is best…</p>

[A.S.A.P]

<p>

I’d feel betrayed (and extremely defensive) if I felt that someone I trusted utilized that as a first choice option. In fact, it would make me more prone to denying any serious issues out of fear.

</p>

<p>My experience with parents who have troubled kids, but who are apparently pretty clueless, as the poster stated this mom is, is exactly that: defensiveness and denial.
That 's why I would choose to go with the school psychologist/advisor, in complete confidence so that the origin of the concern was not known to the student.
At our HS, the counsellors would first talk to the student’s teachers and find out if anything unusual seemed to be going on. Then they would talk to the student, and say that the teachers, friends, etc. had brought some concerns to them. This would usually result in the student getting the help they needed, and the parents would be brought into it as well.
My concern about handling it directly is that most of what has been going on has been told to her through her daughter - second hand, and in confidence, I imagine. So what she will be telling the parents may not come across well. Also, I have found that parents, in trying to save face, often don’t want to admit anything is wrong to another parent. Coming from the school, it’s a little easier to take.<br>
But we all have different experiences, so I don’t negate what B has to say = it’s just not what I would do unless I had an excellent relationship with the parents, and I knew they would take my concern as it was intended.
On this point, the op can determine what she feels is best under the circumstances.</p>

<p>I have a feeling all of these thoughts - along with their perhaps unintended consequences- have been going through the op’s mind. That’s why it’s so hard.</p>

[citygirlsmom]

<p>I have done both, or rather my D did one approach, I did the other- went to a mom…she was grateful I shared my D’s concerns</p>

<p>Whatever the OP does, if the parents are mad, well so be it…its better to lose a couple of adult friends by doing the right thing and bringing in your concerns than to do nothing</p>

<p>If the school has a strong program in place, i would go there…the school knows how to handle it…</p>

<p>They may already be aware to some degree…</p>

[berurah]

<p>

@A.S.A.P.

But we all have different experiences, so I don’t negate what B has to say = it’s just not what I would do unless I had an excellent relationship with the parents, and I knew they would take my concern as it was intended.

I totally, completely agree with this. I was making some assumptions based on the OP’s post–I was reading into it a decent, if not good, relationship between the OP and the boy’s parents. I based this on the length of the relationship (and given that kids this age don’t drive, I figured that the parents had to be fairly involved in getting the kids together) and the fact that the OP said that the parents thought highly of the OP’s D. That said, I could easily be completely wrong in that interpretation. This highlights why it can be difficult to give informed advice online absent all of the facts. The course of action that you suggest may WELL be the most prudent one in this situation. My concern is that since the boy has shared his feelings with the OP’s D, then if all of a sudden the school comes in asking questions, it would be pretty obvious how this got out.</p>

<p>

My experience with parents who have troubled kids, but who are apparently pretty clueless, as the poster stated this mom is, is exactly that: defensiveness and denial.

Again, I agree 100% with this statement. In fact, I lost my local best friend of TEN years to a situation comparable to the one the OP described, and as close as I was with that friend, my concern about her D (who had posted numerous suicidal writings–and who had been unstable for as long as I knew her) was met with so much defensiveness and denial (and sheer anger) that I lost the friendship completely. This situation had been brought to the attention of a school official by someone other than me, and let’s just say that the mom reacted SO negatively that NO help was sought for her very troubled daughter.</p>

<p>IMHO, the bottom line in the case of this particular OP is the protection of her D by making sure that she doesn’t emotionally drown in this potentially volatile situation.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

[nikrud]

<p>Dear Lafalums84-
I am going thru a very similar situation w/my DD and her BF. D is a senior this year and had been dating a boy for about 1 1/2 yrs. We made it quite clear from the begining that we were NOT in favor of serious r/ships in HS, especially when distant colleges are looming. They did apply to the same ‘reach school’, she was denied, he was defered…we were relieved. Anyway, first let me say we loved this boy, comes from a great family, great student, young man, athlete, you name it, as is D. D was feeling really smothered a few months ago and broke it off. This poor kid refuses to give up -he waits for her after every class, etc. Mind you, he is a star student and athlete (and drop dead gorgeous) handsome and polite, everything the parent of a daughter could ask for in a HS dating situation. But upon breaking up, we are seeing a TOTALLY different kid - totally obsessed, pretty much has become a stalker. He called her 11 times thursday night. They are 18 yrs old. His newly obvious obsessiveness has become quite clear in our mind -took D in to her MD this week for stomache aches -she has G.E.R.D (Acid reflux) since she was 2. Doc ordered all of the nec. tests, but called me the next day and said - Look -this kid is showing classic signs of stress - worring about 4/1 acceptances tes, but there’s more to itMom, is basically what she said(She has known D simce she was 7.) I knew it was about the bf and the break up…This boy is stalking her and is now making noises that he doesn’t know if he can go on w/o her, etc, you get the pic, and she is worried sick about him. H wanted to talk to his parents, but they are very rigid snd not really in touch with this wonderful boy’s emotional life. I am fairly certain that they think the relationship is still ongoing to some extent. When DD stayed home from school this week one day bc she had been on the phone w/him half the night (which I did not know - damn cell phones!) I called her counselor bc she knows both kids really well and asked for her help. She told me NOT to go to his parents right away. She suggested my H or I met him for coffee or something neuteral and tell him that he was scaring her and stressing her to the point of illness. If that didn’t work, the GC herself would talk to him and insist he give her SOMEONE he felt he could talk to. I got the feeling from her and DD that this would all be better that going to the parents directly. We are not angry w.this young man, we love him dearly, but if the odd behavior continues and escalates you better believe I will get the parents involved, bc DD and DH and I would never forgive ourselves if he hurt himself. I don’t think our society gives enough credence to how hard a LOT of boys take breakups in such a difficult way. But I am in guard - one risky situation night or phone call, and D knows and agrees we need to talk to his parents. If it come to that , I hope they are equipped to help him (they were HS sweethearts that went to college together, blah, blah blah, you all know of these scenerios 0 sometimes they do work out - but come on,not so much today… D is supposed to let us know when she feels she can no longer keep his head above water…but won’t let us stand by and watch… but when boy’s are depressed, I’m learning their parents are the last to lnow, and they need to be not pushed but carried to the adult that wil help them get over it = coach, teacher, prof - there are a lot of people out there boys can reach out to…we jut need to take the stigma out of these guys doing it! I worry about this ex BF more than I have about my own. Know the warning signs, discuss them w/your D and do what you can to make the boy understand -then lean on counselors and lastly the parents…if the right adults are clued in they’ll either help ar leave you no other choice than to go to the parents. Goodluck to you -your DD is so very young and hearts are so fragile. be carefful of ot only D, but that the BF has someone 2 talk to -outside of his parents, at least has a first adult to turn to. Hang in there, I really, really feel your pain, and I knpw it’s hard to know when to intervene - I beleve your d’smoods and actions will lead you, but make sure she knows she can talk to you, especially that you wont intervene unless all parties (you and D) agree. She MUST keep yoou in the loop - this is notime for holding back details. Good luck! Nikki</p>

[A.S.A.P]

<p>

IMHO, the bottom line in the case of this particular OP is the protection of her D by making sure that she doesn’t emotionally drown in this potentially volatile situation.

</p>

<p>I couldn’t agree more. The “confidant” in these situations is often in a great deal of anguish, and their pain is often underplayed.</p>

[citygirlsmom]

<p>That last point is so true. However the OP handles it and she needs to…her D needs to trust the adults…and that is why she came to her mom…she knew deep down she needs to pass this on to someone, an adult…and she may be saying outloud to not do anything, but maybe inside she is hoping mom does…</p>

<p>When I was 21, I read a boook, Women Who Love Too Much…and I think each and every female should read it…it was a life saver…and while a girl may be strong herself or may not have guys in her life with “stuff” you can bet she will have friends who do</p>

<p>The book talks about the way to help someone without losing yourself, when to see when it more than you can handle, when you need to get out of a relationship that isn’t good for anyone, etc…</p>

<p>And the anger thing, that would be enough of a flag to me…a one time spew is one thing, but it being repeated is another…</p>

<p>He may be a nice kid going through stuff, but a 15 year old doesn’t need to deal with it, nor should she…</p>

<p>ps- that school… wow…I would hope they are really proactive, and not just dealig with students as stuff comes up </p>

<p>And be wary…suicides can come in waves…and not sure how big school is so don’t know if 6 is a big # of not, but to have 6 pulled from school seems high to me…I would wonder about the effectiveness of the program being good on the front end of problems, and not after the fact</p>

[nikrud]

<p>Dear Lafalums84-
I am going thru a very similar situation w/my DD and her BF. D is a senior this year and had been dating a boy for about 1 1/2 yrs. We made it quite clear from the begining that we were NOT in favor of serious r/ships in HS, especially when distant colleges are looming. They did apply to the same ‘reach school’, she was denied, he was defered…we were relieved. Anyway, first let me say we loved this boy, comes from a great family, great student, young man, athlete, you name it, as is D. D was feeling really smothered a few months ago and broke it off. This poor kid refuses to give up -he waits for her after every class, etc. Mind you, he is a star student and athlete (and drop dead gorgeous) handsome and polite, everything the parent of a daughter could ask for in a HS dating situation. But upon breaking up, we are seeing a TOTALLY different kid - totally obsessed, pretty much has become a stalker. He called her 11 times thursday night. They are 18 yrs old. His newly obvious obsessiveness has become quite clear in our mind -took D in to her MD this week for stomache aches -she has G.E.R.D (Acid reflux) since she was 2. Doc ordered all of the nec. tests, but called me the next day and said - Look -this kid is showing classic signs of stress - worring about 4/1 acceptances tes, but there’s more to itMom, is basically what she said(She has known D simce she was 7.) I knew it was about the bf and the break up…This boy is stalking her and is now making noises that he doesn’t know if he can go on w/o her, etc, you get the pic, and she is worried sick about him. H wanted to talk to his parents, but they are very rigid snd not really in touch with this wonderful boy’s emotional life. I am fairly certain that they think the relationship is still ongoing to some extent. When DD stayed home from school this week one day bc she had been on the phone w/him half the night (which I did not know - damn cell phones!) I called her counselor bc she knows both kids really well and asked for her help. She told me NOT to go to his parents right away. She suggested my H or I met him for coffee or something neuteral and tell him that he was scaring her and stressing her to the point of illness. If that didn’t work, the GC herself would talk to him and insist he give her SOMEONE he felt he could talk to. I got the feeling from her and DD that this would all be better that going to the parents directly. We are not angry w.this young man, we love him dearly, but if the odd behavior continues and escalates you better believe I will get the parents involved, bc DD and DH and I would never forgive ourselves if he hurt himself. I don’t think our society gives enough credence to how hard a LOT of boys take breakups in such a difficult way. But I am kn guard - one risky situation night or phone call, and D knows and agrees we need to talk to his parents. If it come to that , I hope they are equipped to help him (they were HS sweethearts that went to college together, blah, blah blah, you all know of these scenerios 0 sometimes they do work out - but come on,not so much today… D is supposed to let us know when she feels she can no longer keep his head above water…but won’t let us stand by and watch… but when boy’s are depressed, I’m learning their parents are the last to know, and they need to be not pushed but carried to the adult that will help them get over it = coach, teacher, prof - there are a lot of people out there boys can reach out to…we just need to take the stigma out of these guys doing it! I worry about this ex BF more than I have about my own. Know the warning signs, discuss them w/your D and do what you can to make the boy understand -then lean on counselors and lastly the parents…if the right adults are clued in they’ll either help ar leave you no other choice than to go to the parents. Goodluck to you -your DD is so very young and hearts are so fragile. be careful of not only D, but that the BF has someone 2 talk to -outside of his parents, at least has a first adult to turn to. Hang in there, I really, really feel your pain, and I knpw it’s hard to know when to intervene - I beleve your d’s moods and actions will lead you, but make sure she knows she can talk to you, especially that you wont intervene unless all parties (you and D) agree. She MUST keep you in the loop, tho - this is no time for holding back details. Good luck! Nikki</p>

[A.S.A.P]

<p>cgm-6 is insanely high. I don’t think that this is the op’s school, though, but another local one.</p>

<p>That sounds like an excellent book, cgm.</p>

<p>Nikki = what a situation for your daughter! I like your suggestion of the coach or other male adult confidant for this boy. I’m sure the op will find some strength and wisdom in your story. Good luck to you and your family!</p>

[berurah]

<p>Lafalum and Nikki~</p>

<p>Whichever way you choose to approach this, just make sure this <em>is</em> addressed. Here is a good reason why this should NOT be ignored: A couple of days ago, a 17-year-old boy shot his ex-gf and then himself in the parking lot of a school—the same school, in fact, that my dh graduated from many years ago. There are serious red flags in both of your stories. Do everything within your power to protect your daughters!
<a href=“http://www.ourmidland.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=18049999&BRD=2289&PAG=461&dept_id=472542&rfi=6[/url]”>http://www.ourmidland.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=18049999&BRD=2289&PAG=461&dept_id=472542&rfi=6&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>~berurah</p>

[citygirlsmom]

<p>Nikki: wow…okay, RUN and get the book I mentioned…it is for women in your Ds situation, dealing with manipulative men</p>

<p>Second, she needs to sever ALL contact with this man, he is a man, because to HIM they are still in a relationship, to spend hours on the phone, what signals does that send him</p>

<p>Third, once a student threatens in any way to hurt themselves, the GC should have gotten involved, postponing doing anything is, in my opinion irresponsible</p>

<p>Fourth, are you SURe about the parents…do you know them or is their “style” coming from Ex and DD</p>

<p>FIfth, what did you mean by
"DD keeping HIS head above water
…she is not equipped emotionally or physically to deal with a stalker or a depressed man </p>

<p>Sixth- the MORE she talks to him, the more he will stalk</p>

<p>I would be very concerned…and I would not let it sit, especially considering Ds health…if she is needing to be medicated, this is a very bad situation no matter how nice this boy WAS…he is hurting and scaring your D right now and you may not see that as much as you should…your D is your priority</p>

<p>If she is missing school because of him, if her health is at risk because of him, if she is getting medicated because of him…</p>

<p>What more do you need to see before you get his parents involved</p>

<p>I don’t mean to sound harsh, but from my side, I wouldn’t wait any longer…</p>

<p>I don’t know, I understand the sympathy, but are you protecting him at your daughters expense</p>